John Oliver | Troops, He Did It Again

Summary

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The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert

Episode: John Oliver | Troops, He Did It Again

Date: September 3, 2025
Guest: John Oliver

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Episode Overview

Stephen Colbert returns from a summer break to kick off Season 11 of The Late Show, welcoming Emmy-winning “Last Week Tonight” host John Oliver as his first guest of the season. In trademark fashion, the episode blends rapid-fire news satire (focusing on recent Donald Trump rumors and White House antics) with a playful, insightful conversation covering minor league baseball, reality TV obsessions, British vs. American childhoods, and the joys (and anxieties) of unplugging from the news cycle.

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Monologue and Opening News (01:19–12:17)

Main Themes:

• Return from vacation and start of Season 11
• Recent wild rumors regarding Donald Trump’s health and whereabouts
• Trump’s deployment of the National Guard to Washington, D.C., under the guise of fighting crime
• Humorous takes on viral protest, sandwich violence, and White House “mystery bags”
• Trump’s obsession with White House landscaping mishaps

Key Discussion Points:

• Colbert mocks recent speculation about Trump’s possible death after several days out of public view, joking about “proofs of life” like the president’s iPhone playing music (“Papa Loves Mambo”) and blurry White House footage.
• J.D. Vance’s comically evasive statements about presidential health fuel Colbert’s bits.
• Trump’s actual attempts at law and order—deploying troops performing sanitation in D.C.—are lampooned (“soldier, you’ve been put on leave… sorry, leaves”).
• A DC resident’s sandwich protest against the Guard is recounted with a slew of sandwich puns (“I will not stand by and watch harm come to an innocent sandwich… this P.O. boy has a legitimate roast beef…”).
• Trump’s odd post-Labor Day rants about cracks in the White House marble offer Colbert a rich vein of jokes around the president’s fixation with “surfaces.”

Notable Quotes:

• “Donald Trump is very much alive. Okay? And no, we like our presidents alive.” — Stephen Colbert (02:05)
• “The internet went crazy. ‘Is Trump dead?’ And ‘Trump dead’ were among the top searches on Google, while the top search on Bing was, as always, ‘where find Google.’” — Stephen Colbert (03:09)
• “Trump did have a little fun in the sun this time by sicing the military on American citizens.” — Stephen Colbert (06:20)
• “I cannot endorse sandwich-based violence of any kind. However you feel about Trump’s autocratic takeover, I will not stand by and watch harm come to an innocent sandwich.” — Stephen Colbert (09:18)

Memorable Segment:

• Sandwich Protest & Jokes (08:25–09:50): A D.C. resident throws a sandwich at the National Guard, prompting an avalanche of puns and a call for “peaceful resistance” invoking faux figures like “Mahatma Blimpy.”

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John Oliver Joins the Show (15:52–34:27)

Celebrating Late Night and A Decade of Colbert (15:52–17:37)

• Colbert celebrates the show’s 10th anniversary with a commemorative Funko Pop figure.
• John Oliver notes he’s the most frequent guest (“This is 21. Tonight is 21… We can drink.” — Oliver, 17:11).

Notable Quotes:

• “America loves you. The world loves John Marvel.” — Stephen Colbert (16:37)
• “To Funko Pops, while supplies last!” — John Oliver (17:20)

Reality TV Obsession: Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (17:39–21:31)

Main Topics:

• Colbert prompts Oliver to explain his fascination with “Real Housewives of Salt Lake City,” which Oliver describes as “the most magnificent monsters on television.”
• Anecdotes about felonies committed onscreen (specifically Jen Shah’s fraud conviction).
• Oliver recommends starting from season one, since “you will see people committing crimes on camera” (18:28).

Notable Quotes:

• “These women are the most magnificent monsters on television. They are human hand grenades who willfully pull their own and each other's pins out for your entertainment.” — John Oliver (18:23)
• “If Jen Shah does not get to go back on the show when she comes out [of prison], Andy Cohen is not the super producer that I think he is.” — John Oliver (19:49)

Memorable Moment:

• Explanation of Bravo’s “grifting” ecosystem:
  “Everyone’s got a solid grift, from makeup products that are gonna give you a rash to alcohol products that you could remove nail paint [with].” — John Oliver (20:24)

Royal Weddings vs. American Celebrity Weddings (24:26–25:39)

• Colbert brings up coverage of Taylor Swift’s engagement, dubbed “America’s royal wedding” by media.
• Oliver expresses his distaste for the British royals and notes that “Americans love royal weddings. You could have had those royal weddings if you didn’t throw your little tantrum a few hundred years ago.” (25:26)

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Personal Stories & Childhood Antics (26:13–30:41)

Acting in “Bulbo and the Strange Villain” (26:13–26:33)

• Colbert and Oliver reminisce about acting in a kids’ superhero movie trailer.

Childhood Shoplifting Confession (26:47–28:14)

Story:

• John Oliver recounts his one failed attempt to steal a Curly Wurly chocolate bar as a child:
  “I picked up this Curly Wurly and I walked towards the exit of the shop. And I remember thinking, I don't think I can do this. Turned around, put it back, walked out to my friends and went ‘No, a criminal life is not for me.’” — John Oliver (28:00)

Raising American-British Kids (28:57–31:17)

• Oliver discusses raising his two children in America and their “innate self-confidence” compared to British children.
• His son occasionally parodies his British accent, which Oliver says is “more than a whiff of the Mary Poppins about it.” (30:01)
• Kids love The Great British Baking Show; Oliver jokes some contestants are “going through hell” and have internalized impending failure (30:41).

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Minor League Baseball, Civic Eccentricity, and America’s “Confident Eccentricity” (31:17–34:27)

Key Points:

• Oliver describes his involvement in rebranding the Erie Seawolves to the “Erie Moon Mammoths.”
• Both hosts share a love for minor league baseball’s “confident eccentricity”: “To love minor league baseball is to love something that people aren’t really watching.” — John Oliver (32:25)
• Colbert recalls a Daily Show report about the Savannah Sand Nats’ mascot: a man in a toilet costume racing children to promote water conservation.
• Both agree that staged weirdness and innate confidence are quintessentially American. (“British children he could beat. Because they’d look at that toilet and say, ‘I’ve already lost.’” — Oliver, 34:18)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Segment Description | Timestamp | |---------------------------------------------------------------|------------| | Colbert’s Monologue/Trump Rumors & News Satire | 01:19–12:17| | John Oliver Joins/10th Anniversary Chat | 15:52–17:37| | Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Segment | 17:39–21:31| | Royal Weddings vs. Celebrity Weddings | 24:26–25:39| | Shoplifting Confession & Curly Wurly | 26:47–28:14| | Raising American-British Children | 28:57–31:17| | Minor League Baseball & Civic Eccentricity | 31:17–34:27|

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Notable Quotes Summary

• “These women are human hand grenades who willfully pull their own and each other's pins out for your entertainment.”—John Oliver on RHOSLC (18:23)
• “To love minor league baseball is to love something that people aren’t really watching. And is it right. That’s a real joy.”—John Oliver (32:25)
• “British children he could beat, because they’d look at that toilet and say, ‘I’ve already lost.’”—John Oliver (34:18)

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Episode Tone & Takeaways

• Lightning-fast satire and improvisation around absurd news headlines and American life
• Collegial, irreverent back-and-forth between Oliver and Colbert, including playful self-roasting and celebrity self-awareness
• Cultural comparison between American and British upbringings
• Celebration of eccentricity, pop culture, and the weirdness that makes both late night TV and minor league baseball uniquely fun

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If you missed the episode, this summary captures all the sharp wit, surprising stories, and the enduring appeal of John Oliver and Stephen Colbert’s comedic partnership.

Transcript

[Stephen Colbert]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Welcome one and all. Welcome to season 11 of the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen. 1111. 1111. There you go. It's great to be back with all of you. We were on vacation for three weeks.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

But I want you to know, okay. Take this job seriously. And while we were gone, I still closely followed all the news that was on any cocktail napkin. This just in. My drinking club has a book problem. When I came back. When I came back in the office, I was shocked to learn that this weekend the biggest story was frenzied social media rumors speculating whether Donald Trump had died. For the record, Donald Trump is very much alive. Okay. And no, we like our presidents alive. Donald Trump is very much alive. And this whole crazy rumor started simply because Trump had zero events on his schedule Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. And one of the only signs that he might still be around was music in the Rose Garden, which the White House confirmed was the president's music, which I gotta say, is not the strongest proof of life. Yes, nurse, I do see that flat line. But the patient is clearly alive because his iPhone is playing Papa Loves Mambo. Papa loves Mambo anyway. But because he was out of public view and because when he is in Public view. Ew. The Internet went crazy. Is Trump dead? And Trump dead were among the top searches on Google, while the top search on Bing was, as always, where Find Google. Adding. Adding to all this terrible morbid speculation, on Thursday, Vice President J.D. vance spoke to the USA Today and here's how he answered the question. Are you ready to assume the role of Commander in Chief if needed? The President is in incredibly good health. He's got incredible energy. And while most of the people who work around the President of the United States are younger than he is, I think that we find that he actually is the last person who goes to sleep. He's the last person making phone calls at night. Okay. The President doesn't sleep and is on the phone all night. Proof that he is completely healthy. Or runs a phone sex line. Hello? Hello? Yes, hello. What am I wearing? I'm wearing my baseball hat with my name on it and compression socks for my bloated cankles. Oh. Oh, they're so plump with fluid right now. You want to tell you what? I could. Oh, no, I could shake him up. You want to hear him gurgle like that? You like that, baby? On Saturday. On Saturday, the rumors, the rumors took another hit when this footage was released at the White House entrance. Yes, that blurry, faraway shot of a lumbering hominid is definitely Donald Trump. For more proof, the White House also released a photo of Trump swimming in a Scottish loch on Sunday. Picked him up on sonar. On Sunday, Trump finally buried all speculation by posting simply, good night. Just a totally normal 79 year old man saying good night to the Internet. It's like that famous children's book. Good night. Good night, Reddit. Good night, X. Good night to the website where I watch the sex. It's a short book. It's kind of a short book. So. So let's be clear. Let us be clear, my friends. Gotta be clear. Let's be clear. There's nothing mysterious going on at the White House, including this completely normal video from the weekend where someone drops multiple heavy black mystery bags out an upper story window. A little weird, but today the administration cleared up exactly what was going on there. The White House official told reporters it was a contractor doing regular maintenance while the President was gone. Yes, exactly. Perfectly normal in every administration. When the President's not there, randos are let in to throw trash bags out the windows. It's called democracy, but I guess it's plausible. Maybe they're doing renovations or something like that. Is what I thought until Trump was asked about it at a press conference today. Here's what he said about the video of garbage bags clearly being dropped out of a window. No, that's probably AI generator. It's the kind of thing to do. One of the problems we have with AI, it's both good and bad. If something happens really bad, just blame AI. You just blamed AI. You just blamed AI, which means something really bad happened. Are you dead? Were you in those bags? Are you AI? Please tell me you're AI. Am I AI? Am I in those bags? No. While we were away in August, Trump did have a little fun in the sun this time by sicing the military on American citizens. Now, under the pretense of rising crime, Trump deployed the national guard to Washington D.C. even though violent crime in D.C. is now at a 30 year low, it has not been this low since 1995. And remember, back then, as we learned from Coolio, we spent most of our lives living in a gangsta's paradise. The National Guard doesn't seem to be doing much law enforcement. Instead, they've been performing sanitation, landscaping duties. All right, soldier, you've been put on leave. I'm sorry, leaves. This move wasn't particularly popular in D.C. as you can see from this moment, when J.D. vance went to visit the troops at Union Station. Oh, look, it's couch.

[John Oliver]

Buddy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Go. That makes me happy. That makes me happy. Come on, guys. There's absolutely no truth to the rumor that our vice president has sex with couches. Okay? J.D. vance is not going to a couch. He's in a train station. He's gonna bang a bench. That gust. That guy wasn't the only D.C. resident protesting Trump's authoritarian takeover. One citizen showed his displeasure with Trump's shock troops by nailing one of them in the chest with a big old sandwich. Now, now, I cannot endorse sandwich based violence of any kind. However you feel about Trump's autocratic takeover, I will not stand by and watch harm come to an innocent sandwich. Some may say this man's a hero or a grinder, depending on your region. But this whole thing has gone toon afar. I mean, sure, this P.O. boy has a legitimate roast beef with this administration, but he's not Provolone. But despite the President's open faced fascism, we cannot resort to hoagie sale violence. Instead, look to the peaceful resistance of leaders like Nelson Mandeli and Mahatma. And Mahatma Blimpy. Because it's time for Americans to pick a side. Coleslaw or your choice of chips. Of course, sending troops to punish liberal cities isn't Trump's only hobby. His true passion is yelling at landscapers. If you'll recall, last month he transformed the Rose Garden into the Freedom Slab, and unfortunately, the project has not gone exactly as the president planned. This weekend, Trump ranted about his hardscaping job. I used at the White House the most beautiful marble and stone available anywhere. Surfaces are very important to me as a builder. Oh, I'm a huge fan of surfaces. Also partial to shapes and lines, he went on. While admiring the stonework, I happened to notice a huge gash in the limestone that extended more than 25 yards. It was deep and nasty. This deep, nasty gash completely ruined my hideous eyesore. What if, what if a rose grew up through that crack? Trump continued. I started yelling who did this? And I want to find out now. And I didn't say this in a nice manner. I gotta say, it would kind of be scarier if you did say it in a nice manner.

[John Oliver]

Right, right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Who did this? I want to find out. Trump ended. Trump ended. Trump ended Labor Day weekend posting by blaming one of the workers. Now I'll replace the stone, charge the contractor and never let that contractor work at the White House again. Is this true? I'm told we have footage of Trump firing that contractor. There he goes. And there's the rest of them. Took two bags, two chunks. Yeah. We got a great show for you tonight.

[Commercial Announcer]

Coming up.

[Stephen Colbert]

John Oliver.

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[Stephen Colbert]

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[Commercial Announcer]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Shot from thousand thousands of great car options all within my budget.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Stephen Colbert]

And I get to pick up my car from their Carvana vending machine tomorrow. Financed, right? That's what they said. You can spend time trying to pronounce financing, or you can actually finance and buy your car. Today on Carvana financing, subject to credit approval.

[John Oliver]

Additional terms and conditions may apply.

[Stephen Colbert]

Welcome back, everybody. Give it up for Louis Cato and the late show, man. Yeah. Who shot Louis Cato? Justin, good to see you all again. Good to see you, man. Welcome back. Happy season 11. Happy season 11. Yeah, man. Here we go. Mel Lewis. Yes.

[John Oliver]

Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

My friends. Please, my friends. Have a seat. You know, you know those season 11 of our 10th anniversary is a week from today, right?

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

No, a week from yesterday.

[John Oliver]

Week from yesterday.

[Stephen Colbert]

Next Monday, September 8, is 10 years we haven't done this show. It has flown. And here's one thing that we're doing to celebrate this. I always thought, you know what a funko pop doll is? Funko pop is. I always thought I had a funko pop. I thought they had given me a funko pop when I was doing the Colbert pour. They didn't, but I got one now for the 10th anniversary, they made a funko pop right there. Let's get that out of here. Let's. Come on, let's lower that resale value right now. They got the whole thing. There it is. There's the funko pop. They got the mug, they got the glasses. The only thing that doesn't work is that the ears are symmetrical. And as we know, I'm a freak. There you go. Anyway, so you can go to. Do they go someplace to buy this? Do they? What does it say? You can pre order now. They're available next Monday, our anniversary. It says here while supplies last. And I don't. Maybe they made 10. I don't know. So I would jump on that. I would jump on that. There you. There you go. There you go. Gotta do the show, folks. My guest tonight is the emmy award winning host of last week tonight. Please welcome back to the late show, sir John Oliver.

[John Oliver]

Thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Nice to see you.

[John Oliver]

Nice to see you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you for being my first guest of season 11.

[John Oliver]

Oh, absolutely. It's a pleasure. Let's start this off good.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, please, please.

[John Oliver]

Let's do it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Quality.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, that's right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Quality. By the way, have you ever had a funko pop? You got a funko pop?

[John Oliver]

Yes, I have.

[Stephen Colbert]

But you do you already have one of these.

[John Oliver]

Yes, but. But no, no, no, because they've put a lot More effort into yours than they put into. I think they've designed yours. I think they took the surplus Harry Potters for me, changed the box and said, this is basically him, isn't it?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Yeah. Mine has no distinguishing characteristics. Like your quaff. That's extra plastic. They're not around there.

[Stephen Colbert]

I hate to tell you this. You have no distinguishing characteristics. It's extremely accurate.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

But we love you here. Everybody. America loves you. The world loves John Marvel.

[John Oliver]

I don't like that that sample size means nothing.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's random. A random collection of Americans.

[John Oliver]

Oh, yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's just a core sample of Lady Liberty right there. Yes.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, exactly.

[Stephen Colbert]

One of the reasons why I know that we love you is this. You are our most booked guest, Right?

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Not by far or by a little by far. I think it's you, Dickerson, and Neil Degrasse Tyson.

[John Oliver]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right, okay. And I will. This is 21. Tonight is 21.

[John Oliver]

21.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[John Oliver]

Yes. Wow. We can drink.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, well, yes, we can.

[John Oliver]

Oh. Oh. Salut.

[Stephen Colbert]

I was just celebrating myself. Salut.

[John Oliver]

Thank you. Thank you. To. To Funko Pops while supplies last.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly. Here. To late night shows while supplies last.

[John Oliver]

Gentlemen, it was an honor playing with you.

[Stephen Colbert]

It certainly was okay. In February when you were here, you said that you enjoy, you know, you relax.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You blow off the steam by watching Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Right. Okay. Salt Lake City.

[John Oliver]

Salt Lake City in particular. It is a masterpiece. It is prestige. Think of a show that you like in your head right now. It's better than that show.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay? And I did. I said at the time, I do not have time to get into this with you because I felt I saw the reservoir of enthusiasm and I wasn't sure when to ask you, like this question on this list because I'm afraid I might not get to a next question if I bring it up. But, John Oliver, these women. Tell me about the ladies in this photo.

[John Oliver]

These women are the most magnificent monsters on television. They are human hand grenades who willfully pull their own and each other's pins out for your entertainment. These. I mean, there's so much going on here. This woman here, Mary Cosby, married her step grandfather.

[Stephen Colbert]

Which one? Point again. Point.

[John Oliver]

I need entertained. What more do I need? She married her step grandfather. Do you not want to know more about that? Go back to the start. Go back to season one. There's been five seasons. Don't jump in at the start of season six. Now, you wouldn't tell someone. You know, if you want to read Lord of the Rings. It's fine to jump in at page 604. No, go back to the start. You will see people committing crimes on camera. Jen Shah, crime still in prison right now. Literal crime. Literal crimes she committed on camera. I believe it was wire fraud and what else it was. She pled guilty, so you don't have a legal problem here. She was sentenced to six years. I think she might be getting up very soon. She's in the same prison right now as Ghislaine Maxwell and Elizabeth Holmes. You don't think she's coming out with stories about Theranos and Epstein? It is incredible telling. It's a rich text.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you know whether. Do you know whether she gets to go back on the show when she comes out?

[John Oliver]

If she does not get to go back on the show when she comes out, Andy Cohen is not the super producer that I think he is. I think she walks straight back onto that show saying, I've had a more interesting life than you. Sit down, ladies. Your tequila sales can come later. Jen's got some stories. Wow. It's an amazing show.

[Stephen Colbert]

Have you talked to Andy about this at all? Have you waxed at him?

[John Oliver]

I've said to him that I think this show is amazing because it is. They're both intentionally funny and unintentionally funny. They think they're self aware. They're not. They're hawking products that are various degrees of a disaster.

[Stephen Colbert]

Everybody's got a grift they're in.

[John Oliver]

Everyone's got a solid grift, from makeup products that are gonna give you a rash to alcohol products that you could remove. Nail paint. That's what it's called, right? Nail paint.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes, exactly.

[John Oliver]

Nail paint.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly.

[John Oliver]

Paint on nails.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right, exactly. Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Yeah. They're absolutely. They're in marriages that. That kind of go from the inexplicable to the catastrophic. It's true. They've pulled FEC filings on each other. It's better television than both of our Federal Election Commission. Yes. No SEC filings.

[Stephen Colbert]

You said fec.

[John Oliver]

Fec. I would not be surprised if they pulled FEC filings because they go deep. I think it's their attention to research in destroying each other's lives that I really respond to.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[John Oliver]

It's absolutely amazing. And I will say it's.

[Stephen Colbert]

But this is Salt Lake City. So these are like stayed like Mormons are.

[John Oliver]

There's some of them. Lisa Barlow, I think was born in New York. She's moved there. She was converted to Mormonism. There's some ex Mormons. They've all got us. Go back to season one.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's on me. I apologize. I shouldn't.

[John Oliver]

It starts in two weeks.

[Stephen Colbert]

Starts in two weeks.

[John Oliver]

Season six starts in two weeks on Bravo. Okay, September 16th.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you get a cut? Do you get a cut of.

[John Oliver]

I will say we've spent a long time talking about a Bravo show, which is technically NBCUniversal. So CBS are not gonna be happy. But.

[Stephen Colbert]

Because we have to take.

[John Oliver]

Wait, we're out a little bit.

[Stephen Colbert]

We have to take a quick break. Right back with more John Oliver, everybody. What does possibility mean to you? Um, that's a hard question. Something that you can strive for.

[John Oliver]

I'm able to do anything I set my mind to. You're confident in yourself and you believe in yourself.

[Stephen Colbert]

Stuff that you could achieve. I feel it's Sarah. Anything is possible when you're more confident. Shoes are a huge part of that. They are the most important part of my style.

[Commercial Announcer]

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[Stephen Colbert]

Anything is possible. Dsw countless shoes at bragworthy prices. Imagine the possibilities.

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[Stephen Colbert]

Yep. Yes, sir. When you're on hiatus. I just came off of three weeks off, which was lovely.

[John Oliver]

Which is lovely.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was down in South Carolina. It mostly rained, but who cares? You're fine with it doesn't matter. Yeah, I got puzzles and when you but totally unplugged. I like to fail. Like the New York Times weekly news quiz.

[John Oliver]

I think that's good.

[Stephen Colbert]

When I'm on vacation.

[John Oliver]

Do you unplug exactly the same? Yes. Yeah. I do not want to do well on that quiz or I've not been. So. Yes. I know nothing about what's happened in the world over the last two weeks. I'm sure it's gone great. It's good, right?

[Stephen Colbert]

Everything's fine. Everything's good.

[John Oliver]

That's great.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, Everything's good.

[John Oliver]

So we are winning. Okay. That's good.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes. But did you check this news? Because this news. Yeah, the prince and princess.

[John Oliver]

Sure.

[Stephen Colbert]

This is this. We found out Taylor Swift got engaged. People magazine called this America's royal wedding. How much? I will say you don't like the royals.

[John Oliver]

No, I don't like the royal family at all.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Compare and contrast.

[John Oliver]

Well, this is better than the royal family, but your bar for comparison is simply too low. Anything is better than a royal wedding. Also, America's royal weddings are royal weddings. Americans are really the only ones who care about those. Deep, deep down. When they interview people, like on the mall in London, whenever there's a royal wedding, it's just Americans saying, oh, we love it here. Oh, we love the pomp and the circumstance.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's so good.

[John Oliver]

That is so good. That is so good.

[Stephen Colbert]

I thought that was so good.

[John Oliver]

I heard it coming out and thought, oh, I'm glad. That sounded so good.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hell, yeah. Perfect, perfect, perfect. Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Yeah. So, yeah, Americans love royal weddings. You could have had those royal weddings if you didn't throw your little tantrum a few hundred years ago. But, no, but, you know, you can't. But it can't be one foot out, one foot in.

[Stephen Colbert]

Pick a side.

[John Oliver]

Pick a side.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now, before we went on break, we aired. We do this thing called kids Pitch on the show where we go to children, we say, hey, how would you design? Because it seems like mostly Hollywood is just for children now. Yeah. What would you do? A lot of it.

[John Oliver]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know, the superhero movie, Certainly. We said, what kind of superhero movie would you kids want? And they designed a superhero movie for us. And you agreed for, like, the fifth time to be in the trailer for the movie that we made. I acted in it once more, and you acted in it. And here you were in this. Here you are in Bulbo and the strange villain. That's you.

[John Oliver]

Look at that. Look at that acting. You're a criminal. Look at that acting right there. You're a criminal. That is.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. I don't know if you're an American or British.

[John Oliver]

It could be either. I'm startled by something, and my charisma is so much that your eye is naturally drawn to Amanda Seyfried out of focus in the background. That's how you know. That's how you know I'm putting on a show there.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yes.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

You steal something, you're a thief in this. I was just curious. This was for kids. You know, you're a bad guy. Cause you're stealing things. As a child, did you steal anything? Cause children often don't know and they'll, like, just grab it and go out of the store.

[John Oliver]

And sometimes they know and don't care. And. Yeah, so I did try once, I remember, to shoplift. Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

How old are we talking here?

[John Oliver]

I think I was like 8 or 9 years old.

[Stephen Colbert]

Pretty old.

[John Oliver]

And there were kids doing pretty old. Well, you really are. You like to go with a really tough justice system. Pretty old. I mean, lock him up. Throw it.

[Stephen Colbert]

I mean, eight or nine, you know right from wrong.

[John Oliver]

That's the thing. So there were kids doing it and they were getting a thrill out of it. And I remember picking up a curly whirly from.

[Stephen Colbert]

Stop. Have we. Have we just gone again into Harry Potter at this point? Because they're right next to Bertie Bott's every flavored beans, aren't they? The curly whirlies. The is a curly whirly.

[John Oliver]

I mean, I want to defend it, but hearing it out loud, I realize that's almost like an offensive stereotype of.

[Stephen Colbert]

What a British child would eat.

[John Oliver]

A child would be have curly whirl. Do ya?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

Little chocolate curly whirlies surrounding the toffee with a pattern. You just chunk off with your little mouth. Do you?

[Stephen Colbert]

What is a curly whirly? Real quick, that's a curly whirly.

[John Oliver]

It is swirly chocolate surrounding toffee. Toffee. Toffee. It makes a pattern and it's like in a bar and then you take it off and then you bite into the chocolate colour.

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly. And that's how you beat the Nazis. Exactly. So go ahead.

[John Oliver]

So I picked up this curly whirly and I walked towards the exit of the shop. And I remember thinking, I don't think I can do this. Turned around, put it back, walked out to my friends and went, no, A criminal life is not for me.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow. Did you think the guy was on to you?

[John Oliver]

No, no, it wasn't that I didn't think anyone was on. I just thought, I don't think I can handle the guilt that I'm gonna put myself through with this unpaid for curly whirly. And who knows, who knows if I'd taken it that day. I could have been a criminal mastermind.

[Stephen Colbert]

If it's all right with you, we're gonna take another break right now. Okay? We'll be right back with more John Oliver every. Hey, everybody. The one, the only, maestro, John Oliver is with us tonight. Now you have, you have, you have two children. Yeah, they're. They're American children.

[John Oliver]

They're American children.

[Stephen Colbert]

They're American children.

[John Oliver]

They too have never known the wonders of the curly whirly.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right? Do they? Do they. So they never had a curly whirly.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

But do they enjoy because dad's British. They must know that, right?

[John Oliver]

Yes, they do.

[Stephen Colbert]

You haven't hidden that from them, right? You've told them?

[John Oliver]

No, I do my perfect American accent at home to them. Hey, kids, it's morning. Let's get some quaffee on the go. Let's get a coffee in the Danish. I'm your dad.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, I'm daddy here. So do they like. Are there any.

[John Oliver]

Your father's waking up here, what are.

[Stephen Colbert]

You going to do? Have they taken to any British isms? Have they taken anything British?

[John Oliver]

Honestly, they started doing kind of offensive British accents right this morning. My son, my son kind of went. He was walking, I could hear him. It wasn't even. That was what annoyed me the most. It wasn't even to annoy me or for my enjoyment. He was just walking around saying, oh, what a lovely little morning we got going on. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. It's okay when I do that. It's not okay when you do that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, Dick Van Dyke.

[John Oliver]

Yeah. It was more than a whiff of the Mary Poppins about it. He was going to step in time.

[Stephen Colbert]

But do you take them over there?

[John Oliver]

Found a leader.

[Stephen Colbert]

Do you take them over there like they go, well, we love K and everything.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, I've taken them over there and they've seen the sites, they've asked, they've lined up for the future royal wedding. That will happen as every American must. Yeah. No, they love it over there. But they're Americans, so they are fundamentally different.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's fundamental different?

[John Oliver]

There's an innate self confidence that they have as Americans. A kind of a nice self confidence, a self assuredness, like a self safety.

[Stephen Colbert]

That a British child would.

[John Oliver]

Not that I don't have, let alone a British child, but definitely not a British child. They love the British. The Great British Bakery show the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's great. But I can't watch that show. Cause those kids are going through hell. They don't know how to deal with disappointment, which they surely know is coming. There's one kid, I think she was, like, trying to make a Pavlova, and they were interviewing her and she said. They said, how you feeling? She went, this pavlova's gonna be a disaster. She hadn't started yet. I've never related to anything more like, you know, that Pavlova is gonna be a disaster. Mainly, yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now, one thing. One thing I. One thing that I share with you is the joy of engaging with the real world with your show.

[John Oliver]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Something we did much more on the Colbert Report than here. But one of the things you've done and I just love. Cause I love Savannah and I love minor league baseball. You are now. You are sponsors.

[John Oliver]

No, no, no. Not sponsors.

[Stephen Colbert]

What are you.

[John Oliver]

We rebranded you. Rebranded Eerie Pencil, Penylvania's team.

[Stephen Colbert]

Erie, Pennsylvania team.

[John Oliver]

Yeah. They're Eerie Seawolves. And we rebranded them into the Eerie Moon Mammoths.

[Stephen Colbert]

The Moon Mammoths.

[John Oliver]

Yes, that's right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[John Oliver]

Yeah. The backstory is there was a guy with the name of Moon who found mammoth bones in a nearby lake, and they were seen for one day. They've not been able to be seen again since. They were too precious. And so we decided to rebrand their entire baseball team around that because we knew at the end of that road was a big, big, old purple mammoth.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, what do you. I love minor league teams.

[John Oliver]

It's great. It's great. I go to watch the cyclones in Brooklyn all the time.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. They're like all the young players.

[John Oliver]

Yeah, it's great.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sometimes they're like 17, 18 years old. They're very cultish. You know, they got a lot of energy, but just not a lot of the mechanics yet.

[John Oliver]

Yeah. And it's just fun. It's a fun atmosphere because to love minor league baseball is to love something that people aren't really watching. And is it right. That's a real joy. And a kid.

[Stephen Colbert]

The stakes are all for the players, not for the corporations.

[John Oliver]

The stakes are incredible. We have to kind of remember that during that process, because I remember the team called us up, said, we're actually going to call up one of our top prospects who's probably on his way to the Detroit Tigers. Are you going to name us something stupid? To which we said, no, you'll be fine. Define stupid. Define stupid. Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

But stupid is one of the powers of minor league baseball. I love it. I did a report on the. When I was at the Daily show back in the day. I think it might have been late Craig or early John, like late 90s because it was Clinton era. I remember that I went down to Savannah to cover the Savannah Sand Nats.

[John Oliver]

I think I remember that.

[Stephen Colbert]

And the reason I was covering it, and this was the level of thought at the early Daily show pieces is that they had a mascot who was a man in a toilet costume who ran around the bases trying to beat children to home plates as a toilet. And it was to increase awareness of water conservation.

[John Oliver]

Yep.

[Stephen Colbert]

And the town had paid for it. To make sure your toilet wasn't running.

[John Oliver]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[John Oliver]

And there's, there's, there's, there's. Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's America's pastime.

[John Oliver]

It really is America's pastime and it kind of brings out the best in America. So I would argue the best in America is its confident eccentricity. Right. Which is to put a guy in a toilet costume, have him race against children. Not race to be beaten by children.

[Stephen Colbert]

Attempt to beat the children.

[John Oliver]

Attempt to beat those children with the one handicap being gigantic toilet that he is donning for some kind of message about something. Anyway.

[Stephen Colbert]

But you know what those children have?

[John Oliver]

What?

[Stephen Colbert]

An innate confidence themselves.

[John Oliver]

Yes, exactly.

[Stephen Colbert]

British children he could beat.

[John Oliver]

He could. Because they'd look at that toilet and say, I've already lost.

[Stephen Colbert]

Last Week Tonight is available on HBO. Max. Mr. John Oliver, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. September 4th on Paramount Plus. Someone is trying to frame us until our names are cleared. We're fugitives from interval Like Bonnie and Clyde with better snacks. NCIS Tony and Ziva streaming September 4th on Paramount Plus. September 4th on Paramount plus someone is trying to frame us until our names are cleared. More fugitives from interval Like Bonnie and Clyde with better snacks. Espionage. You still as good a shot as you used to be?

[John Oliver]

Better.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is there love language? We like to walk that fine line between techno, thriller, romantic comedy. We make up our own rules. NCIS Tony and Ziva streaming September 4th on Paramount Plus.