Transcript
Stephen Colbert (0:00)
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Stephen Colbert (1:19)
Welcome one and all. Welcome to season 11 of the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert, ladies and gentlemen. 1111. 1111. There you go. It's great to be back with all of you. We were on vacation for three weeks.
John Oliver (1:40)
Yeah.
Stephen Colbert (1:40)
But I want you to know, okay. Take this job seriously. And while we were gone, I still closely followed all the news that was on any cocktail napkin. This just in. My drinking club has a book problem. When I came back. When I came back in the office, I was shocked to learn that this weekend the biggest story was frenzied social media rumors speculating whether Donald Trump had died. For the record, Donald Trump is very much alive. Okay. And no, we like our presidents alive. Donald Trump is very much alive. And this whole crazy rumor started simply because Trump had zero events on his schedule Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. And one of the only signs that he might still be around was music in the Rose Garden, which the White House confirmed was the president's music, which I gotta say, is not the strongest proof of life. Yes, nurse, I do see that flat line. But the patient is clearly alive because his iPhone is playing Papa Loves Mambo. Papa loves Mambo anyway. But because he was out of public view and because when he is in Public view. Ew. The Internet went crazy. Is Trump dead? And Trump dead were among the top searches on Google, while the top search on Bing was, as always, where Find Google. Adding. Adding to all this terrible morbid speculation, on Thursday, Vice President J.D. vance spoke to the USA Today and here's how he answered the question. Are you ready to assume the role of Commander in Chief if needed? The President is in incredibly good health. He's got incredible energy. And while most of the people who work around the President of the United States are younger than he is, I think that we find that he actually is the last person who goes to sleep. He's the last person making phone calls at night. Okay. The President doesn't sleep and is on the phone all night. Proof that he is completely healthy. Or runs a phone sex line. Hello? Hello? Yes, hello. What am I wearing? I'm wearing my baseball hat with my name on it and compression socks for my bloated cankles. Oh. Oh, they're so plump with fluid right now. You want to tell you what? I could. Oh, no, I could shake him up. You want to hear him gurgle like that? You like that, baby? On Saturday. On Saturday, the rumors, the rumors took another hit when this footage was released at the White House entrance. Yes, that blurry, faraway shot of a lumbering hominid is definitely Donald Trump. For more proof, the White House also released a photo of Trump swimming in a Scottish loch on Sunday. Picked him up on sonar. On Sunday, Trump finally buried all speculation by posting simply, good night. Just a totally normal 79 year old man saying good night to the Internet. It's like that famous children's book. Good night. Good night, Reddit. Good night, X. Good night to the website where I watch the sex. It's a short book. It's kind of a short book. So. So let's be clear. Let us be clear, my friends. Gotta be clear. Let's be clear. There's nothing mysterious going on at the White House, including this completely normal video from the weekend where someone drops multiple heavy black mystery bags out an upper story window. A little weird, but today the administration cleared up exactly what was going on there. The White House official told reporters it was a contractor doing regular maintenance while the President was gone. Yes, exactly. Perfectly normal in every administration. When the President's not there, randos are let in to throw trash bags out the windows. It's called democracy, but I guess it's plausible. Maybe they're doing renovations or something like that. Is what I thought until Trump was asked about it at a press conference today. Here's what he said about the video of garbage bags clearly being dropped out of a window. No, that's probably AI generator. It's the kind of thing to do. One of the problems we have with AI, it's both good and bad. If something happens really bad, just blame AI. You just blamed AI. You just blamed AI, which means something really bad happened. Are you dead? Were you in those bags? Are you AI? Please tell me you're AI. Am I AI? Am I in those bags? No. While we were away in August, Trump did have a little fun in the sun this time by sicing the military on American citizens. Now, under the pretense of rising crime, Trump deployed the national guard to Washington D.C. even though violent crime in D.C. is now at a 30 year low, it has not been this low since 1995. And remember, back then, as we learned from Coolio, we spent most of our lives living in a gangsta's paradise. The National Guard doesn't seem to be doing much law enforcement. Instead, they've been performing sanitation, landscaping duties. All right, soldier, you've been put on leave. I'm sorry, leaves. This move wasn't particularly popular in D.C. as you can see from this moment, when J.D. vance went to visit the troops at Union Station. Oh, look, it's couch.