Stephen Colbert (7:10)
There's more proof out there that the earth is mad at us. Because just Yesterday a massive 8.8 magnitude earthquake struck off of Russia's far eastern Kamchatka peninsula. Thankfully, this only resulted in a few injuries, despite the fact that it occurred along Russia's so called megathrust fault. It's the megathrust fault, which is right next to Humpmaster Canyon and the Cape of. I had a big dinner. Can we just watch gilded aids? The footage. The footage is pretty intense. Check out this video of the earthquake hitting right in the middle of someone's surgery. And if you look closely, you'll see there's. It just jumps right there. There's a. It skips that missing footage. That missing footage in that. That's when the government sent the earthquake to kill Jeffrey Epstein. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. We have no idea if Trump is back from Scotland. But while he was. What? But while he was over there, he unveiled a new impression. You see, his new Aberdeen golf course over there had some zoning issues back in the past. And he claims he got help from a certain Scottish celebrity. Sean Connery got me the zoning. He let out a howl once. He said, let the bloody bloke build his damn golf courses. You Do a very good Scottish accent. Yeah, well, but he did say that. He said, let the bloody bloke build his bloody golf course. That is uncanny. I do other accents, too. Here's Italian. Let the bloody bloke build his bloody spaghetti. How about French? Let the bloody bloke have his bloody three way. Now, Scottish officials say that Mr. Connery was not involved in the due process that led to the granting of planning permission for Trump's golf resort, but he did, in fact, lend his support to the project. And, you know, it must be a really nice golf course, because Sean Connery is never going to be associated with a low quality product. I mean, this is the man most famous for playing the iconic action hero Zardoz. Wow. Yes, wow. It's a diaper with bandoliers. There you go. The Epstein story isn't going away, no matter how much Trump talks about it. And the latest analysis turns this entire story on its head. Because remember, remember how there was that video from outside Epstein's cell with the missing minutes in it? Well, forget that, cuz. Let's take a look at a still from the tape. Which do you think is Epstein's cell? Is it 1, 2, or 3? Have you locked in your answer? Great. You're wrong, because Epstein's cell isn't even visible in the frame. It's up a staircase behind that wall. So we've all been focusing on the missing minutes, when in fact, there's a missing all of it. CBS News. Our friends over at CBS News put up this helpful graphic. Epstein's cell is the red one in the lower right there. The only camera we have is footage covering a common area and just a tiny sliver of the staircase that led to the area outside of Epstein's cell upstairs. So it wasn't even the whole staircase. Anyone really skinny could have slipped past that camera. Okay? He just has to be a skinny person. So that narrows the lead suspect in Epstein's death to anyone on Ozempic, or as the scientists call it, the fat chut. That's not all. Is he on it? Is he on it? That's not all, because the main entrance to this prison area is also not on camera. So an outsider could easily have entered Epstein's cell and then erased the evidence as they. But enough. Enough about Trump's scandals. Let's talk about his policies, which are scandalous. We just found out that due in part to his tariffs, the maker of Charmin has said it will raise its prices. No. Oh, no. Charman is a sponsor of this show and A quality product that I use myself. There is no other way to say it. Trump's tariffs really chat my ass. And I don't care. I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't care how high the prices get. I am not using seventh generation. You know their slogan, Seventh generation. Made from only the angriest, sharpest trees. Hey, any, let me ask you this, a personal question, if you don't mind. Are there any parents in the audience? All right, great. Anybody who didn't clap, get to work. You know how babies are made. It's quite pleasant and it's quite important because the CDC just dropped a new report saying that fertility rates in the US have reached an all time low in 2024. Now, I can't believe I have to say this, but Americans need to have more sex. Okay, I'm already doing my part to start the spark. I just showed you Zarda's. Show them again, Jim. There. Are you. Are you. Are you pregnant yet? Now, in case you did not know, the fertility rate is the average number of children that women are expected to have. While the birth rate is how many kids overall were born. The CDC released this helpful explainer.
