Stephen Colbert (2:51)

I'm so thrilled to have you back. You know you're my Favorite comedian. Oh, come on. You haven't been on the show since 2023, so it's possible I'm lying now. A lot is going on in the world.

Maria Bamford (3:02)

Yes. Yes.

Stephen Colbert (3:03)

What have you been up to?

Maria Bamford (3:05)

Well, I hope, like everybody here, I've been protesting against the state of.

Commercial Narrator (3:11)

And.

Maria Bamford (3:12)

Yeah. And I was trying to think of what the sisypuede of white woman would be. And I think it would be. You know what? For me,

Stephen Colbert (3:28)

You're now the subject of a documentary.

Maria Bamford (3:29)

Yes.

Tommy John Advertiser (3:30)

Which is.

Stephen Colbert (3:30)

I want to get into what that feels like in just a moment.

Maria Bamford (3:33)

A lot.

Stephen Colbert (3:33)

It's called Paralyzed by the Maria Bamford Story. It's directed by Judd Apatow and Neil Berkley. I have the honor of being briefly featured saying how much I enjoy Maria Bamford and how much I love everything that you do. How did they convince you to allow them to do this? Because it's one thing, like, when you're dead and gone, but if you're alive and they're doing a documentary about you, like, this is your life, is your material. Why would you let them do a documentary? How did they get you?

Maria Bamford (4:03)

What are we doing? Follow me around. No, they gave me 500 bucks.

Stephen Colbert (4:09)

They, like, gave you 500 bucks?

Maria Bamford (4:11)

Well, and I had to ask for it. I had to say, hey, I'm going to need 5. 500 bones if you're gonna come and shoot this. Because there are so many times in show business where they say, oh, my

Commercial Narrator (4:22)

God, we love you.

Maria Bamford (4:23)

You're a genius. Fantastic. And then nothing. Like, nothing happens. You're left alone with a howling wind. So, Yeah, I got 500 bucks.

Stephen Colbert (4:35)

Was Apatow good for it?

Maria Bamford (4:37)

Yeah, I mean, he paid it out in cash. That's the other thing.

Maria Bamford's Father (4:39)

Cash.

Maria Bamford (4:40)

No, I'm not gonna accept a check from that man. Yeah. No.

Stephen Colbert (4:43)

I would never let anybody make a document or the show for any reason whatsoever.

Maria Bamford (4:49)

Now, why is that?

Stephen Colbert (4:50)

No one's off. No one's offered, though, is the thing. I mean, no one's ever offered me money. Sure, a Bud Light and a basket of curly fries. But not cash.

Maria Bamford (5:00)

But not cash. Seriously, you wouldn't do a doctor? Never. Cause Judd Aptel said the same thing. He said he wouldn't want to have one done of him.

Stephen Colbert (5:06)

I was like, no, it's easy.

Maria Bamford (5:07)

What are you hiding?

Stephen Colbert (5:08)

Yes. What was it like seeing the documentary, like, in its complete thing for you, if you're the subject? Did you find yourself fascinating?

Maria Bamford (5:17)

Well, yeah, I was there for most of it, and so my. But it was really love to see my Parents wearing new horse since past and also just yet to see some of the other comics. And that was really. Yeah, very heartwarming that my peers were

Stephen Colbert (5:35)

there people who enjoy your work that you did not know enjoyed your work?

Maria Bamford (5:38)

Yes. Yeah, I didn't. I didn't totally.

Stephen Colbert (5:39)

Who was a surprise? Do you mind if I ask?

Maria Bamford (5:41)

Let me see. Well, I've worked with Brian Fossane before, but I was thinking, I was like, he wouldn't take the time to talk about me.

Stephen Colbert (5:49)

And you guys were the comedians of comedy.

Maria Bamford (5:51)

Yes, yes, we were in a documentary which is. Documentaries are. Sometimes they ask you to do another take which isn't a documentary anymore when they ask you. So that's also why I wanted to get paid because I was like, hey man, if this is going to go on for a while, I want to get cash on the barrel head.

Stephen Colbert (6:15)

Was there any more? Was it 500? It.

Maria Bamford (6:16)

Oh, no, there is more. I kept invoicing. I mean, never stop invoicing.

Stephen Colbert (6:24)

Words to live by. Okay. In the documentary you talk about almost losing your home in the Altadena fire.

Maria Bamford (6:31)

Yes.

Stephen Colbert (6:31)

Okay, that must have been harrowing.

Maria Bamford (6:33)

Yes.

Stephen Colbert (6:34)

How did that experience affect you?

Maria Bamford (6:35)

Well, we almost lost our house, but it was saved by our Trump supporting neighbors. Very confusing ethically.

Stephen Colbert (6:42)

And learn something new every day.

Maria Bamford (6:47)

And I was up there with the ashes and all that stuff. And it's kind of a police state in certain areas of la. And a giant SUV pulled up, two cops get out, guns fully drawn, say, excuse me, ma', am, what are you doing on that property? And you know, I wasn't looking my best. I was a light stained sweatshirt and. And I said, oh, I'm just looking for my succulents. Some of my succulents made it because there's an elephant here that's quite hardy. Sorry, ma', am, didn't mean to frighten you. Just had to make sure that you weren't one of the bad guys. I'm wearing 17 friendship bracelets. How do you. How do you think I got them?

Stephen Colbert (7:43)

The documentary explores your upbringing and your family. And we have a clip here with you and your father. What are we about to see?

Maria Bamford (7:50)

Oh, it's lovely. My dad would make inventions. This is one of his inventions that he came up with. It's for night terrors, which is a seat belt for your bed.

Stephen Colbert (8:00)

And necessary in his case.

Maria Bamford (8:01)

Necessary.

Stephen Colbert (8:02)

All right, Yvonne.

Maria Bamford's Father (8:05)

It turns out that 1% of people have night terrors. I don't think I had it as a child, but for 15 or so years I've had it so that. What it means is in the middle of the night, without any particular warning, I bolt up and scream. Somebody said it was just like being in World War II. It was like a horrible attack going on. And then I jump up and I would ran into the wall. I've got a little scar here on my nose. So I just said, well, you know, wouldn't it be better to be strapped down? So I put a seatbelt into the bed.

Maria Bamford (8:40)

But a few times. You socked your bed partner, Marilyn.

Maria Bamford's Father (8:45)

Yes. At one time had a black eye and which was tough because she is very busy with the women's shelter. And so, you know, it was a little hard for her to explain. And of course nobody believed her anyway,

Maria Bamford (8:56)

you know, so believe women.

Progressive Insurance Advertiser (8:59)

Yeah.

Maria Bamford's Father (9:00)

Gotta believe.

Stephen Colbert (9:03)

Complicated message. It's a complicated message. Do sometimes when you're on tour.

Maria Bamford (9:13)

Yes.

Stephen Colbert (9:14)

You do something surprising which I don't understand is that you sometimes. And you don't have to explain yourself to me. I just am curious. Why do you sometimes do a standup show at 9am?

Maria Bamford (9:25)

Oh, because that means person has chosen to be there.

Stephen Colbert (9:31)

People don't choose to be at an event.

Maria Bamford (9:33)

Sometimes people are talked into things or yeah, they've had a beer or they're at the mall with a Cheesecake Factory bag and they go, what if we chat some comedy? And so 9am I know these people have, you know, they've made a decision and then it's not my fault, it's not my problem. How's it my fault

Progressive Insurance Advertiser (9:59)

also.

Stephen Colbert (10:00)

Oh, did you. I heard you say something the other day. Is that it's your sister is giving you this affirmation and tell me I'm saying this right. Go ahead.

Commercial Narrator (10:09)

Yeah.

Maria Bamford (10:09)

How is it my fault they hired me? That's for every job.

Stephen Colbert (10:14)

I love that so much.

Progressive Insurance Advertiser (10:16)

Really?

Stephen Colbert (10:16)

Because honestly, I just showed up. They should have vetted me on some level.

Maria Bamford (10:20)

Yeah. Well, the Internet, there's just thousands of videos. If you're going to see something, research it. There's no need to suffer in a show business. Yeah. Environment.

Stephen Colbert (10:33)

Well, those. I'm gonna keep that in mind as I go off into the brave new world after the show. Is that it's not. How is it my fault that they hired me?

Maria Bamford (10:40)

Yeah.

Tommy John Advertiser (10:41)

No cash.

Stephen Colbert (10:42)

Get that cash is what I said.

Maria Bamford (10:43)

Get that cash and get the shows out of the way. Stephen, if you start a show at 8am, which I have, that means 8am,

Stephen Colbert (10:50)

not 8am 8am, if you get it

Maria Bamford (10:52)

a little earlier, you get babies and then also you get it out of the way. So you don't have to think about it the whole day, you know, like, oh God, I got a show tonight. Now it's like, oh, I already did my show.

Stephen Colbert (11:07)

Such wisdom. Thank you, Maria. You can see Paralyzed by Hope at south by Southwest and the Martha's Vineyard Film Festival later this month. Maria Bamford, everybody. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

Progressive Insurance Advertiser (11:35)

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Whether you love true crime or comedy, celebrity interviews or news, you call the shots on what's in your podcast queue. And guess what? Now you can call them on your auto insurance too. With the name your price tool from Progressive. It works just the way it sounds. You tell Progressive how much you want to pay for car insurance and they'll show you coverage options that fit your budget. Get your quote today@progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state

Tommy John Advertiser (12:08)

law Guys, it's no use putting it off. The best time for an underwear refresh is now. Tommy John Underwear is designed for a perfect fit that stays put all day. There's zero chafe, thanks to four times more stretch than competing brands and their innovative horizontal Quick Draw Fly is a game changer. With over 30 million pairs sold, there are thousands of men out there more comfortable than you. Don't settle for less. Go to TommyJohn.com today for 25% off your first order with code comfort. That's TommyJohn. Com code comfort Tommy John Comfort Perfected.