Transcript
A (0:05)
Welcome, friends, to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. You know what, I hope you guys got out today. It was a fantastic day in New York. It was 70s sunny. It would be a great day to hold a parade. And I guess we should, because according to the president, the war in Iran is over. Yesterday he told a CBS reporter, I think the war is very complete, pretty much. Oh, so it's not totally over. Oh, now it seems weird that I ran out of time square and French kissed an Elmo. Yeah. Coughing up red fur all day. After he declared victory, Trump tried to reassure a nervous GOP that despite the recent spike in the price of oil, his war is no biggie. We took a little excursion because we felt we had to do that to get rid of some evil. And I think you'll see it's going to be a short term excursion. Yes, just a little excursion. Little short term excursion. Just like Royal Caribbean cruises where you can choose excursions between snorkeling, rum tasting and regime change. Yeah, that's an upcharge. That's an upcharge. Regime change. Great though. Midnight regime change. Trump doubled down on his peace message yesterday at a press conference at his Doral Golf Club. A reporter asked him about the apparent inconsistency in his administration's messages.
B (1:48)
You've said the war is, quote, very complete, but your defense secretary says this is just the beginning. So which is it and how long should Americans be putting it in the States?
A (1:55)
Well, I think you could say it both. So it's over, but somehow still going. It's the military strategy known as Grey's Anatomy. It's a quality show. I'm a huge Ellen Pompeo fan. Trump kept trying to have it both ways. We could call it a tremendous success right now as we leave here, I could call it. Or we could go further. And we're going to go further. Oh, okay. So we've achieved success, but we're not going to stop. It's like that Kenny Rogers song. You gotta know when to hold up. Know when to hold up. Know when to hold up. Know when to hold. Hours. Hours. We love Kenny. We miss you, Kenny. We miss you, Kenny. Hours after declaring the war over, Trump took to social media to threaten Iran over the Strait of Hormuz. Which brings me to Hormuz news. You can use part twos. Let's get straight to it. 20 to 30% of the world's oil passes through the Strait of Hormuz, making it a major player in the world of straits. That's why it was disturbing when earlier today CBS News reported that U.S. intelligence assets have begun to see indications Iran is taking steps to deploy mines in the Strait of Hormuz shipping lane. Oh, yeah, that's not good. Which means it's time to update the graphic. It's now Hormuz News. You can use part two's Ker Blues. Trump was not happy with the report posting. If Iran has put out any mines in the Hormuz Strait and we have no reports of them doing so, we want them removed immediately. If for any reason mines were placed and they are not removed forthwith, the military consequences in Tehran will be at a level never seen before. Oh, the gloves are off. Iran. If those mines aren't removed tonight, he's going to put a giant screen on your southern border and show you all the Melania movie. Okay, sorry. Geneva Conventions be damned. So far, this war has cost over $6 billion. But burning through cash is nothing new for Secretary of War Pete Hegseth because a government watchdog discovered that he blew billions on things like $5.3 million for new iPads, $60,000 for Herman Miller recliners, and $12,000 for fruit basket stands. Wait, you're ordering what? That's what I think. What? Is that you. Did you say that out loud? Thank you for paying attention to the words I say, madam. Either that or you just woke up in this theater. What? Not again. So anyway, $12,000 for fruit. Okay, Wait, you're ordering fruit? This is my emotional state. Right. Okay. You're ordering fruit baskets so fancy they come with a stand. Come on, Pete. If you need fruit at work, do the normal thing. Put a clementine in your tote and find it three weeks later when it's a furry gray golf ball. Hegseth also. I'm with her. Hegseth also all out on the buffet. Reportedly, The Pentagon spent $2 million on crab legs, $6.9 million on lobster tail, and over $15 million on ribeye steaks. No, no, no, no, no. Boo. They're just harkening back to our founders. As Paul Revere declared on his famous ride. One if by surf, two if by turf. Wasn. It wasn't all high class food. They also spent $140,000 on donuts, $124,000 on ice cream machines, and $3,160 on stickers with characters from Dora the Explorer, Frozen, and Paw Patrol. And despite all that, nobody came to Pete Hegseth's birthday party. This was an historic splurge. In 2025 alone, the Pentagon spent $225 million on new furniture, which is more in one year than it had in over a decade. And I'm being told we have a photo of the government employee ordering all that furniture. You have a good shot. You have a good shot if you know what. Now, most of these purchases have no military purpose. For instance, hegseth spent over $98,000 for a Steinway grand piano for the Air Force chief of staff's home. What kind of Air Force chief of staff. I agree. What kind of Air Force chief of staff needs a grand piano? Okay, that makes sense. Trump also has big plans for America's feet. I'll tell you all about it in tonight's shoes news. Shoes. We got to get those shoes. News to the Strait of Hormuz. Reportedly, the President has started doling out dress shoes to friends and advisors, guessing people's shoe size in front of them, and a week later sending them a pair of Florsheim wingtips. You know, there's a word for a leader selecting clothing for his disciples. It's cultural. Put on the floor, shines as father instructs, then slip on the purple poncho and prepare to board the comet for our journey to Skylago. And it's not just a couple. I put even less effort into that impression than usual just then. It's not just a couple of pairs of shoes, folks. White House officials are saying all the boys have them, and it's hysterical because everybody's afraid to not wear them. Hysterical. Just like that classic joke. Knock, knock. Who's there? It's the man who checks the shoes. I see you're not wearing them. Get in the van. So far, the folks seen wearing Trump's mandatory man shoe include J.D. vance, Marco Rubio, Transportation Secretary Sean Duffy, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth, Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick, Sean Hannity, and Senator Lindsey Graham. Or as they're collectively known, Trump's wet little shoe cucks. Now check out. That's not nice. That's not a nice thing to say. Let's take that out. Check him out. Sp Sporting their matching brogues and Davos. But remember, Trump is just guessing at their shoe sizes. He's not measuring them. He's guessing, then ordering. And sometimes he actually overshoots. Take a look at JD Vance and Marco Rubio's itty bitty ankles drowning in their giant clown shoes. What is crazier than that? Here's another recent shot of Marcus, who tried on his dad's. Tried on his dad's shoes to pretend to be secretary of big boys. One more person confused by the shoes is the owner of the shoe company who said he was unaware of the president's orders and declined to comment further. Not great when your shoes become associated with a widely reviled madman. It's why Nike stopped making the air. Jared from Subways. We got a great show for you tonight.
