Transcript
Kristen (0:01)
What is Dax, Are you tracking all.
Dax (0:03)
Our cars on Carvana Value Tracker on all our devices? Yes, Kristen, yes, I am.
Kristen (0:08)
Well, I've been looking for my phone for.
Dax (0:10)
In Dax's domain we see all. So we always know what our cars are worth.
RZA (0:14)
All of them?
Dax (0:15)
All of them. Value surge trucks up 3.9%.
Kristen (0:19)
That's a great offer.
Dax (0:21)
I know. Sell.
Stephen Colbert (0:23)
Sell.
Dax (0:24)
Track your car's value with Carvana Value Tracker today.
Kristen (0:30)
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Stephen Colbert (1:04)
Welcome everybody to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. Ladies and gentlemen. You know me. You know me. I'm a simple man. I wear my heart on my sleeve partly because my chest cavity is already filled with bacon. So it's no secret how I feel about this Trump reboot. I was not looking forward to it. I knew that he would take the opportunity of a second presidency to do every terrible thing I could imagine. I just never imagined he'd do all of them at once because the last five weeks have been shock and awful. And even now, the MAGA faithful are starting to notice because according to a Republican pollster, Trump voters are getting buyer's remorse. Kind of hard to sympathy for them. They ordered the turd soup and then said, waiter, there's turds in my soup. Then they came back four years later and asked, y'all still have that turd soup? So why are his supporters starting to get a little bit upset? Well, one reason that they give is that they voted for Trump cuz they said he would bring prices down on day one. That was his claim. He said it over and over again. And now on day 38, they still think things are too expensive. Somewhere in Delaware, Joe Biden is shaking his head, chuckling to himself and thinking, why did I come into this room? Now, some MAGA voters also don't like how Trump is letting Elon slice through the federal government like a drunk raccoon with a samurai sword with one of them telling the pollsters, there's a lot of babies being tossed out with A bathwater. Well, that's not surprising. That's how Trump raised Eric. Uh oh, uh oh, I forgot. Look, I forgot to lock the door and he keeps crawling back in. That same Trump voter went on to explain, if we had a drinking game where everyone took a drink when we heard the words reverse course or walking back, we'd be drunk in 20 minutes. Why wait 20 minutes? I'm playing a different drinking game called I will drink whenever I want. And I'm winning. And also losing one again. Thanks to rising inflation and Trump's unpopular tariffs, consumer confidence is down. And businesses are also worried. Independent businesses reported their third highest reading ever on the uncertainty index. Now that sounds really bad. Then again, can you ever really know where you are on the uncertainty index? One thing, one thing that continues to make consumers anxious is the high price of breakfast. And with bird flu, there's no end in sight. According to experts, egg prices could jump 41%. Meaning this year's Easter egg hunt is going to be the purge. It's getting so expensive. This is true that here in New York, some bodegas are selling individual eggs, known as Lucy eggs, to customers who can't afford full cartons. Yum. Loose eggs. And if you can't afford those, there's a guy in the alley in the back. I got jumbo whites, I got cage free organic brown, I got a couple double yolks and crack. Okay, it's, I mean, it's just, it's just a cracked egg, but you can smoke it. People have gotten so desperate that since January, customs agents have stopped at least 90 people from smuggling eggs into the country. The head of the smuggling operation, Pablo Eggscobar. Thanks, Cluckey. That's our newest staff member, Clucky the Joke judging chicken. Thank you for your service, Clucky. It's not just bird flu causing the price hike. Some experts say consumers are contributing to the egg shortage by panic buying. See, that's smart. Buy em now, they last forever. I store my stockpile of eggs in the shed out back, right next to my briefcase of retirement lettuce. But the USDA is trying to help. If an egg farm gets hit by the virus, the government will offer money for biosecurity improvements, which I think is a fancy way of saying putting each chicken in a condom. Either way, our chickens are now in the hands of Secretary of Agriculture Brooke Rollins, seen here looking really, you know, enough about the Secretary of Agriculture to boo her. Wow. No, let's keep going, Jim. Let's move on. Mickey Rollins went on TV Yesterday to show Americans that we can have confidence in our leadership during this crisis. Let me show you my handy dandy chart here. So this. Oh, let me turn it the right side up. Go first. Oh, never mind upside down. The point is, we have isolated the virulent bird flu pathogen here in this vial. The joke is that this is supposed to come. Oh, there you go. That got a better laugh than the joke would have. And it's not only eggs. Coffee prices are also soaring and poised to get more expensive. The rising prices are thanks to bad coffee growing seasons and the world's two biggest coffee producers, Brazil and Vietnam. Oh, thank God. I don't get my beans from Brazil or Vietnam. I get them from Costco. They come from the exotic island of Kirkland. Trump is going to make this way worse because his proposed tariffs on Mexico, which exports a lot of our coffee, are likely to drive prices even higher. Which means Americans who want their caffeine fix may have to turn to gas station energy pills. Gas station energy pills. Oh, God, my eyeballs are trying to escape. So, no. So eggs and coffee are drifting rapidly out of our price range. But Steve, you say, surely I can still find solace in the reliable old potato chip. Oh, you sweet, salty little fool. I'll have you know potato chip prices are soaring, so these things are now precious. Okay, keep in mind, we need to ration them. One chip a day, moderation, self control. The chips are good down there. They can soak up the virus. It's been a rough winter right now in the U.S. flu COVID 19 RSV and norovirus are surging, especially the people with norovirus. They are surging in every direction. But things might be worse next year because the FDA just did a bad thing under the direction of vaccine denying Secretary of Health and Human Services RFK junior Seen here suddenly remembering the last place that finger was. Here's the deal. Move on. Here's the deal. Every year, every year, the government gathers a group of scientific experts and these guys pick the strains of flu on which to model next year's flu vaccine. It's always this time of year to get ready for next year. Well, we just found out the FDA cancelled this year's meeting. Great. Great. So if no one's picking what's in the vaccine next year, I say you administer it to your own self with a Coca Cola freestyle machine. Okay, I'm going to do a little strain A, a little strain D and ooh, a touch of root beer. FDA is already trying to backpedal on this this morning, they put out a statement saying the meeting may be canceled, but the agency will still make recommendations to manufacturers in time for the updated vaccines to be available for the upcoming influenza season. Okay, but if the recommendations are not coming from the experts, then who's going to pick the next flu vaccine? These are my two ravens. Okay, that's bird flu. At. But it's not all bad news in the health world because an anti aging pill for dogs has cleared a key FDA hurdle. That's amazing. And I'm being told we actually have footage of the pill clearing that hurdle. This is fabulous. But just to make sure I have this perfectly clear. There is a pill that makes you live longer, but instead of giving it to humans, they're giving it to dogs. That is the correct decision because. Because a dog is man's best friend. And no one has ever said that about man. The pill works by improving the animal's metabolic fitness and can extend a dog's lifespan by by years. In fact, they've already updated the end of Marley and Me.