Scarlett Johansson (2:00)

Well, when you put it like that,

Stephen Colbert (2:04)

sure.

Scarlett Johansson (2:04)

Why not?

Stephen Colbert (2:10)

Scarlett Johansson, what is the best sandwich?

Scarlett Johansson (2:16)

That's tough. Yeah, well, the best sandwich, the blimpy best.

Stephen Colbert (2:21)

Tell me, talk to me.

Scarlett Johansson (2:23)

The blimpy best is sort of like, first of all, it's a perfect, delicious, fluffy bun that has a particular blimpy sandwich taste.

Stephen Colbert (2:36)

Are you a spokesmodel for blimpy? No. You will be after this.

Scarlett Johansson (2:41)

Well, I haven't seen a lot of them around, so clearly not. But I could be. I'd happily be sure I could buy into the franchise.

Stephen Colbert (2:48)

What's on there? Is this meats veggies. What are we talking about?

Scarlett Johansson (2:50)

It's sort of like an Italian sandwich. Like, it's got all the, you know, the mortadel salami. I mean, you know, oil and vinegar.

Stephen Colbert (2:56)

What do we call it?

Scarlett Johansson (2:56)

Oil and vinegar, like onion. It's a very stinky sandwich. I mean, I wouldn't eat it, like, if you were gonna have a, you know, romantic lunch with somebody.

Stephen Colbert (3:05)

You know those romantic lunches. A candle lit lunch with a hero. A lot of candles. All right. With a hero. Okay. What is your first concert you went to?

Scarlett Johansson (3:18)

Oh, my first concert was Cypress Hill. Yeah.

Stephen Colbert (3:23)

Have you come down yet?

Scarlett Johansson (3:25)

I'm still buzzing from it, man. I am.

DSW Advertiser (3:28)

Yeah.

Stephen Colbert (3:28)

Wow.

Scarlett Johansson (3:28)

I remember they. I think.

Stephen Colbert (3:30)

Did you go alone?

Scarlett Johansson (3:32)

No, I went. I must have gone with a friend. I don't remember because I was so high. No. But I remember they. It was at, like, I think it was at Roseland. And they. I remember they rolled this huge, huge blunt that was like this big. It was like the size of a wimpy vest. And. And they threw it in, they smoked it on stage. All the. All the. The members of the band, and then they passed it around the whole Roseland. Those were the days, man.

Stephen Colbert (4:03)

Wow. It wasn't even legal at the time. Wow. Used to be right. Used to be right around the corner.

Scarlett Johansson (4:11)

Used to be right around the corner.

Stephen Colbert (4:12)

Yeah.

Scarlett Johansson (4:12)

Yeah.

Stephen Colbert (4:14)

What is the scariest animal?

Scarlett Johansson (4:17)

The scariest animal is. Oh, God. The scariest animal. Like there's an. There's like. I don't. I hate cockroaches. Like, I really, really, really, really hate them.

Stephen Colbert (4:27)

Wow.

Scarlett Johansson (4:28)

A lot.

Stephen Colbert (4:29)

It could be cockroach.

Scarlett Johansson (4:30)

It can.

Stephen Colbert (4:30)

It is like you open up a cabinet. You know what I'm talking about? Right. Like New York cockroaches. Like German cockroaches. Or like the palmetto bugs. Like the big water bugs.

Scarlett Johansson (4:40)

Oh, that's awful.

Stephen Colbert (4:41)

I grew up in South Carolina.

Scarlett Johansson (4:42)

Those are nightmare animals.

Stephen Colbert (4:43)

And as kids, we would and power our bikes with them, though. They would drive our bikes around the neighborhood.

Scarlett Johansson (4:49)

So disgusting. Not only do you have a disgusting, like, water cockroach looking thing, but it flies.

Stephen Colbert (4:55)

Oh, yeah.

Scarlett Johansson (4:55)

And it's aggressive. It goes for you.

Stephen Colbert (4:57)

As a kid. We open the cabinets before we would open a cabinet in case there was a cockroach in there so they would go away and not go straight for your face.

Scarlett Johansson (5:05)

That is an insect from hell.

Stephen Colbert (5:07)

Yeah. Crawl into your ears and lay eggs.

Scarlett Johansson (5:10)

No, they don't.

Stephen Colbert (5:12)

No, no, no, no. At least once in your life that happens.

Scarlett Johansson (5:14)

No, it doesn't.

Stephen Colbert (5:15)

Oh, no. Scientists say that. That's true.

Scarlett Johansson (5:17)

No, it's not.

Stephen Colbert (5:18)

It is.

Scarlett Johansson (5:18)

No, it's not.

Stephen Colbert (5:19)

How old are you?

Scarlett Johansson (5:21)

40.

Stephen Colbert (5:21)

That's too young, probably.

Scarlett Johansson (5:22)

It's gonna happen when I'm older.

Stephen Colbert (5:24)

Much. When you're older.

Scarlett Johansson (5:24)

Oh, God. Then I won't notice.

Stephen Colbert (5:26)

Right? Cause you're deaf in your ears. That's how they notice. That's how most old people go deaf. It's from.

Scarlett Johansson (5:31)

It's from copper larvae.

Stephen Colbert (5:34)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sad. It's true. Yeah. That's science.

Scarlett Johansson (5:37)

Something's gotta be deaf.

Stephen Colbert (5:38)

Saw that on planet Earth. Apples or oranges.

Scarlett Johansson (5:42)

Like to eat.

Stephen Colbert (5:49)

Oh, my God. It's Joaquin Phoenix all over again.

Scarlett Johansson (5:52)

Oh, no. What does that mean?

Stephen Colbert (5:54)

He was absolutely dumbfounded by the question. Apples or oranges? He was like, what? What? What?

Scarlett Johansson (6:00)

Oh, he loves fruit.

Stephen Colbert (6:02)

This is known to me now. And he refuses to choose between fruits. He asked me what time of day it was. Right. Didn't he say, what time of day are we talking here?

Scarlett Johansson (6:12)

That makes perfect sense to me.

Stephen Colbert (6:14)

Okay. Apple, orange.

Scarlett Johansson (6:15)

Does that not make sense to you?

Stephen Colbert (6:16)

Just answer the question, Senator. I'm sorry. If you'd like legal counsel before answering this, it will be provided. Apples or oranges? Gotta pick one.

Scarlett Johansson (6:26)

Oh, man, that's tough.

Stephen Colbert (6:27)

Well, it's the Colbert questionnaire. That's how we learn to know people.

Scarlett Johansson (6:30)

What kind of orange is it?

Stephen Colbert (6:31)

Navel. I'll accept Valencia as well, but no tangerines.

Scarlett Johansson (6:37)

That's not an orange. That's a tangerine.

Stephen Colbert (6:38)

Well, you'd be surprised. The people try to get away with. With a Colbert questionnaire.

Scarlett Johansson (6:44)

What kind of apple is it?

Stephen Colbert (6:46)

What kind of apple? Let's say. Let's say it's not like a tart baking apple. Let's say it's a.

Scarlett Johansson (6:52)

What psychotic person would pick a tart baking apple?

Stephen Colbert (6:56)

Weird people. A Fuji.

Scarlett Johansson (6:58)

I like a Fuji.

Stephen Colbert (6:59)

Okay,

Scarlett Johansson (7:02)

I think I'll choose an apple.

Stephen Colbert (7:03)

Great.

Scarlett Johansson (7:05)

Great. Am I being timed?

Stephen Colbert (7:12)

Well, you are being timed, yeah. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?

Scarlett Johansson (7:18)

Yes, I did.

Stephen Colbert (7:19)

Do you remember who it was?

Scarlett Johansson (7:20)

Patrick Stewart. I asked Patrick.

Stephen Colbert (7:22)

Oh, that's a good one. When

Scarlett Johansson (7:27)

I was on my first flight, I was actually publicizing the Horse Whisperer. And I was on my first flight. Flight to London, and I was on British Airways First Class. And I was like, oh my God. It was amazing. I was a kid, man. Yeah, it was a big deal. I felt like the Queen of England and Patrick Stewart was on in the cabin and I was just.

Stephen Colbert (7:50)

Of course you were.

Scarlett Johansson (7:51)

Yeah, of course I was there. And of course I was.

Stephen Colbert (7:53)

I would be now.

Scarlett Johansson (7:54)

Yeah. I had to ask him and I remember he wrote Sweet Dreams, Patrick Stewart, because we were all going to sleep. Because it was a transatlantic. Yeah. So that was.

Stephen Colbert (8:04)

Do you still have it?

Scarlett Johansson (8:06)

I guess it must be somewhere.

Stephen Colbert (8:09)

Wow. How do you think Patrick feels about that? He watches. I happen to know he watches most nights, so. Wow. Okay. No, on behalf of him.

Scarlett Johansson (8:22)

I know I've got it somewhere.

Stephen Colbert (8:24)

What do you think happens when we die? The hallmark of the Colbert questionnaire is rapid tonal shifts. What do you think happens when we die?

Scarlett Johansson (8:35)

What do I think happens when we die? I don't know. I guess we just like rejoin the Matrix, I think.

Stephen Colbert (8:43)

Okay. I dig it. Yeah, I dig it. Taddeo.

Scarlett Johansson (8:49)

So I'll see you there.

Stephen Colbert (8:50)

I'll see you there. Exactly. I'll see you in the mainframe, baby. Favorite action movie.

Scarlett Johansson (8:56)

Ugh. Terminator 2.

Stephen Colbert (8:58)

Oh, quality. Quality.

Scarlett Johansson (9:00)

Yes, yes.

Stephen Colbert (9:02)

Window or aisle?

Scarlett Johansson (9:04)

Window.

Stephen Colbert (9:05)

Just ask me. Some people like the aisle because they don't like to go past.

Scarlett Johansson (9:10)

Who likes the aisle?

Stephen Colbert (9:10)

I like the aisle.

Scarlett Johansson (9:11)

Why?

Stephen Colbert (9:12)

Because I have to go to the bathroom. I don't want to say. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Scarlett Johansson (9:15)

Yeah, but then the cart is like right by your head all the time.

Stephen Colbert (9:18)

Right. So you can. Excuse me. Cocktails. Excuse me. Yeah, all right. Very important.

Scarlett Johansson (9:24)

Yeah. Okay.

Stephen Colbert (9:25)

You sit in the aisle, I'll get the drinks.

Scarlett Johansson (9:28)

I'm going to take the aisle seat next time. Ok. You take the window.

Stephen Colbert (9:34)

Claustrophobic. Where are we going on this trip, by the way? I like this. I'm free in June. Favorite smell?

Scarlett Johansson (9:49)

Favorite smell.

Stephen Colbert (9:51)

That's a perfectly lovely question.

Scarlett Johansson (9:54)

Oh, you know what my favorite smell is? I have a 4 year old son and the top of his head. Oh, it's still my favorite.

Stephen Colbert (10:00)

Is that your youngest?

Scarlett Johansson (10:01)

Yes.

Stephen Colbert (10:01)

Yeah, that's smell wonderful.

Scarlett Johansson (10:04)

Like a little warm roll, but a little salty.

Stephen Colbert (10:08)

A little salty, exactly. Especially. Right. I like it actually before the fontanelle closes, you know. Really? Because it's really. When you can just smell brain. It's great.

Scarlett Johansson (10:19)

Is that what that salty smell is?

Stephen Colbert (10:20)

I think it is. I think it's great. It's baby brain. Least favorite smell.

Scarlett Johansson (10:26)

Hot garbage.

Stephen Colbert (10:28)

Yeah. Yeah. You grew up in New York, right? You know hot garbage.

Scarlett Johansson (10:33)

I do. I know it well.

Stephen Colbert (10:34)

What is your earliest memory?

Scarlett Johansson (10:37)

Oh, my earliest memory. I think I remember I have a twin brother and my earliest memory is of my twin brother. I remember being with my twin brother like in a playpen and I just remember him there. Yeah, that's my earliest memory.

Stephen Colbert (10:52)

Do you think he knows that's your earliest memory?

Scarlett Johansson (10:54)

We've talked about this before.

Stephen Colbert (10:55)

And was that his earliest memory too?

Scarlett Johansson (10:58)

He thinks it is his earliest memory too, but we're not sure if we've just given each other the memory.

Stephen Colbert (11:04)

But you guilted him into having that as the earliest memory.

Scarlett Johansson (11:07)

Yeah. Cause I was first born, so.

Stephen Colbert (11:09)

Oh, really? Are you right ahead? Right.

Scarlett Johansson (11:11)

The three most important minutes of my life.

Stephen Colbert (11:13)

Girls are very advanced at that age. Cats or dogs?

Scarlett Johansson (11:18)

Well, that's a tough question. Do people answer that?

Stephen Colbert (11:22)

They do people answer that question.

Scarlett Johansson (11:25)

What did Joaquin Phoenix say?

Stephen Colbert (11:27)

Oh, that was impossible. I think he wanted to know where we were for that one. I think I said we were on like Big Sur or something like that. Northern California.

Scarlett Johansson (11:38)

He said a dog. Did he say a dog then?

Stephen Colbert (11:40)

I think he said dog. Yeah, because it was like midday or something like that. Just rained. The sun was about to go down or something like that. Yeah.

Scarlett Johansson (11:45)

Oh, that's tough. Cats are dogs.

Stephen Colbert (11:47)

Cats or dogs? Do you have both?

Scarlett Johansson (11:49)

I have had them in the past.

Stephen Colbert (11:50)

And you have no pets right now because you have a child?

Scarlett Johansson (11:53)

I have goldfish.

Stephen Colbert (11:53)

Oh, goldfish.

Scarlett Johansson (11:54)

Yeah, goldfish. I love them a lot.

Stephen Colbert (11:56)

Sure. What are their names?

Scarlett Johansson (11:58)

Jingles and Bubbles.

Stephen Colbert (12:00)

Okay. That was a test, by the way. Okay.

Scarlett Johansson (12:04)

I would say. Oh, that's tough. I don't know. I mean, I do. I love them both, I guess. Oh, I don't know.

Stephen Colbert (12:18)

I'll accept goldfish.

Scarlett Johansson (12:19)

Will you?

Stephen Colbert (12:20)

Yeah.

Scarlett Johansson (12:21)

Ok. I love my goldfish.

Stephen Colbert (12:23)

I've never accepted a fish before.

Scarlett Johansson (12:24)

Well, you. Tonight you will.

Stephen Colbert (12:25)

I will for you.

Scarlett Johansson (12:26)

Oh, thank you. The pressure is off.

Stephen Colbert (12:32)

Now everyone's going to want goldfish. Now everyone's. I don't know. You have to tell me.

Scarlett Johansson (12:36)

You can't let them have it. You said it was special for just now.

Stephen Colbert (12:39)

Okay. It was only for Scarlett Johansson. Okay. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. And you don't have to listen to it continually, but when you go to listen to music. This is the song. What is it?

Scarlett Johansson (12:50)

What a nightmare. Only one song?

Stephen Colbert (12:54)

Yes.

Scarlett Johansson (12:55)

Oh, no. It's gotta be like an easy listening song.

Stephen Colbert (12:59)

Really. Like elevator music.

Scarlett Johansson (13:03)

The entire band is like judging me silently right now. Maybe. Could it be Harvest moon maybe? I don't know. I'm trying.

Stephen Colbert (13:18)

Neil Young.

Scarlett Johansson (13:19)

Maybe it would be. I think I could listen to that for a while.

Stephen Colbert (13:23)

Yeah. When you wanted to go to harvest moon.

Scarlett Johansson (13:25)

Yeah. On this harbors harvest. That seems pleasant.

Stephen Colbert (13:29)

What number am I thinking of?

Scarlett Johansson (13:38)

12.

Stephen Colbert (13:40)

No. Scarlett Johansson. Describe the rest of your life in five words.

Scarlett Johansson (13:50)

Oh my. Wait.

Stephen Colbert (13:52)

Oh my. You can start over. You can start over.

Scarlett Johansson (13:55)

The rest of my life in five words.

Stephen Colbert (13:57)

Describe the rest of your life in five words.

Scarlett Johansson (13:58)

Like a sentence?

Stephen Colbert (13:59)

Just five words. Doesn't have to be a sentence. It can be five random words. Or unassociated.

Scarlett Johansson (14:07)

Oh God. She lived for more years.

Stephen Colbert (14:14)

Congratulations, Scarlett. You are known. Thank you for listening to the Late Show Pod show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives.

Podcast Narrator (14:33)

I'm back.

Scarlett Johansson (14:33)

I'm really back.

School Spirits Narrator (14:35)

School spirits returns.

Stephen Colbert (14:36)

Why am I here?

Scarlett Johansson (14:37)

Not dead. Right.

Stephen Colbert (14:39)

This place is an absolute death trap.

School Spirits Narrator (14:41)

We need to get out of here now. School Spirits new season, now streaming only on Paramount plus.

Scarlett Johansson (14:48)

I'm back. I'm really back.

School Spirits Narrator (14:49)

School spirits returns.

Podcast Narrator (14:51)

Why am I here?

Scarlett Johansson (14:53)

Not dead. Right.

Stephen Colbert (14:54)

Disruption on this campus will not be tolerated.

Scarlett Johansson (15:00)

I look crazy. It's because that's how I feel. I don't know how to live in two worlds.

School Spirits Narrator (15:05)

Secrets lurk. There are others beneath the surface. They're not like us. We need to get out of here now. School Spirit's new season, now streaming only on Paramount plus.