Transcript
Jill (0:00)
If you've been struggling with your weight, Mochi Health is here to help. Mochi Health is a long term weight loss solution personalized to fit your unique needs and goals. Meet one on one with board certified obesity doctors and registered dietitians who are on a mission to listen. Eligible patients can Access custom formulated GLP1 medications at an affordable set price and get them delivered to their home each month. Take our free quiz@joinmochi.com and use code AUDIO40 at checkout for $40 off your first month of membership. I'm Jill, a registered dietitian. When I meet with patients, they usually think I'm going to tell them to throw out their favorite snacks. But don't worry, your Cheetos are safe. That's not how this works. I help my patients build healthier habits based on their lifestyle and goals without guilt or restriction. Nourish connects dietitians like me with people like you who are ready to take control of their health. Your appointments could be fully covered through your insurance since 94% of nourish patients pay $0 out of pocket. Find your dietitian@usenourish.com that's usenourish.com.
Stephen Colbert (1:04)
Welcome down here, up there, out there, all around the world. Welcome to the Late Show. I'm your host, Stephen Colbert. And welcome. I want to welcome you all to Donald Trump's golden age. Turns out by golden he meant golden shower because really feels like he's peeing on a leg and telling us it's liberated. Be a little lonely. It's a bit of a lonely time for those Americans who saw all this malicious, incompetent, corrupt chaos coming and voted. Not that again, please. Which is why this weekend it was inspiring to see hundreds of thousands of Americans turning out. Look at that. Hands off. Protests in more than 1200 locations in all 50 states. In Sweet Home Chicago. In Washington, D.C. in New York City, in Los Angeles, California. In Austin, Texas. And in the birthplace of democracy, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Although a lot of those people might be Eagles fans still drunk from the super bowl parade, we don't know yet. The polls were greased. They did grease the polls. Spirits were high and the signs were great. Let them eat Teslas. Detroit hates Kid Rock. And my personal favorite, I bite Nazis. Good boy. Bite those Nazis right in their testicles. Right there. One thing folks are mad about is Trump's tariffs, which today continued to shove your 401k down a flight of stairs. It turns out in Trump's economy, the only safe job is guy who takes photos of panicked stockbrokers. And in the last few days, we got some classics. We got Johnny Heddenhands, an Old fashioned God has forsaken us, and this guy who will be the new face of the $100 bill today. Ah, they're going to be fine. Today the Dow stumbled another 350 points down on top of losing nearly 4,000 points in the last two days of last week when the S and P also fell over 10%, closing out the market's worst week since March of 2020, when the pandemic ripped through the global economy. Now, there is one silver lining this time, since there's no pandemic, we can safely scream straight into each other's faces. For one. Was it 10am Something like that. For one brief shining moment this morning, things looked up around 10am right? The market shot back into positive territory thanks to a tweet reporting that the White House economic adviser Kevin Hassett said Trump was considering a 90 day pause in tariffs. But the tweet was not true. And an hour later the White House issued a statement denying it. And the markets lost their gains and return to their continued drop. The up and down continued all day long. Trump won't be happy until the Dow Jones looks like his signature. All of this, all this turmoil has really upset the Wall street bros. Even the ones that back Trump. They're describing his tariffs as worse than expected. And reportedly for many CEOs, this came as a surprise. A surprise? He's only been talking about tariffs since the 1980s. In the campaign, he said tariff is the most beautiful word in the English language. This is like electing Snoop Dogg and then saying, I didn't know he was gonna smoke weed every day. And what's this? Wait a second. And he's I don't. Hold on. And sipping on gin and juice. In this economy, the big Banky boys are freaking out. JP Morgan sent a memo to investors last week titled There Will Be Blood. I forget, was that movie a rom com? I can't remember. Do not worry, JP Morgan always talks in 2007 film references the memo. When it comes to retirement savings, this is no country for old men. All our money is gone, baby, gone. And to be blunt, this is Superbad. In conclusion, Shrek 3. Somebody, somebody. Wall street clearly wants the President to change his mind, but he doesn't have one. On Friday, Trump retweeted a post. He retweeted a post with the caption, Trump is playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers. And that post linked to a Video that claimed Trump is crashing the stock market, but he's doing it on purpose. That's a weird thing to brag about. Everyone's making fun of me for pooping my pants, but joke's on them. I pooped my pants on purpose. While everyone else. No, folks, listen up. No, listen, it's very important. While everyone else is playing checkers, I'm pooping my pants. That's how you win by default. They get up when they leave. J.D. bring me a wet wipe on Air Force One. On Air Force One, Trump said, the market crashing is just what America needs. I don't want anything to go down, but sometimes you have to take medicine to fix something, because that's how medicine works. You take it and everyone dies. All dead. Far from pausing the tariffs, this morning, Trump tripled down, threatening an extra 50% tariff on China, which will raise the price of everything we get from China, which I believe is everything. Trump did that because on Friday, China retaliated against Trump's Liberation Day tariffs by slapping a 34% tariff on U.S. goods. China, if you want a trade war, a trade war is what you'll get. The gloves are off because you make the gloves and we can't afford them anymore. Trump responded, okay, how about you? That's how you box, right? Trump responded to China by posting, if China does not withdraw its 34% increase above their already long term trading abuses by tomorrow, April 8, 2025, United States will impose additional tariffs on China of 50%, effective April 9. Then he ended, thank you for your attention to this matter. That's. That's an odd way to end a threat. It's like getting a letter from kidnappers. Give us $50,000 in unmarked bills or you'll never see your husband again. Have a great weekend. Stay sweet.
