Stephen Presents: The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Stephen Presents: The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line

The Late Show Pod Show with Stephen Colbert
Date: November 29, 2025

---

Main Theme & Purpose

In this special Thanksgiving-themed episode, Stephen Colbert and producer Becca revisit and celebrate the iconic Late Show bit: Stephen’s adventures at the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. Combining improvisational comedy, genuine cooking advice (or misadvice), and playful interactions with real callers, Colbert delivers both holiday spirit and laughs. The episode is a mix of affectionate reflection, classic audio segments (including outtakes), and new banter, all centered on the shared chaos and joy of Thanksgiving turkey preparation.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Celebrating the Butterball Bit (01:05 – 04:04)

• Becca and Stephen reminisce about producing the original Butterball Talk-Line sketches, marking the second anniversary of the podcast.
  • Notable Quote (01:47) – Stephen Colbert:
    “I think I may have peaked as an improviser with the Butterball Turkey Hotline. …I was actively hindering their ability to have a happy Thanksgiving. And I have no regrets.”
• The segment is dedicated to Liz Levin, the producer whose infectious laughter helped shape the original bit.
  • Notable Moment (03:42) – Stephen Colbert:
    “Love you, Liz Lev.”

The Art of Thanksgiving Prep & Traditions (04:52 – 05:35)

• Stephen offers his turkey-cooking tips:
  • He prefers dry brining over wet brining (“Don’t do that wet brining. It’s not necessary. Just dry brine that bad boy.” – 04:58).
  • He’s adamant about stuffing the bird (“Grow up. Stuff your turkey…” – 05:12).
  • A debate about cranberry sauce: both admit affection for the canned variety.
    • Notable Quote (05:58) – Stephen Colbert:
      “You know, get off your high horse, real cranberry people.”

Introduction to the Butterball Call Center (06:04 – 09:24)

• Stephen travels (fictionally) to the Butterball call center in Naperville, Illinois to help answer turkey day questions.
• Meet Carol Miller: A Butterball veteran who explains the blend of food knowledge and detective skills needed (“You have to be a good detective sometimes.” – 07:56).
  • Stephen, in true style, takes this literally for comedic effect.
• The importance of phone demeanor:
  • Keep it “happy all the way through” and “informative.” (09:03)

---

Memorable Moments & Quotes from the Call Line (09:31 – 28:22)

Chaos at the Turkey Hotline

• Caller Questions:
  • How to cook “well done” turkey, missing thighs, and stuffing debates.
• Improvisational Mayhem:
  • Stephen repeatedly derails the conversations with playful confusion, mock apologies, and absurd side commentary.
    • Quote: “Birds usually come with thighs. I apologize. Can we get a number, and we’re going to send you out a fresh turkey with thighs.” (10:17)
    • At one point, he pretends to be Chicago O'Hare air traffic control, confusing a caller about being a Delta pilot (11:41–13:03).
    • He responds to a stuffing question with, “Okay, wrong answer. Bye. Bye.” (11:27)

The Famous Wooden Spoon Test (13:29 – 14:54)

• Caller is unsure if their turkey is thawed:
  • Stephen instructs, “Do you have a wooden spoon?...Can you hit it? Does it sound hard?...or does it sound like you’re spanking a lover?”
  • Caller obliges on air.
    • Notable Moment (14:47): Caller spanks the turkey into the phone, leading Stephen to declare, “Yeah, that’s thawed. It will last in the refrigerator the entire time. You’re fine. It’ll be fine.”

Questioning Turkey Prep Anxiety (13:59–15:05)

• Stephen reassures nervous callers, sometimes with nonsense or reversal of advice, as with storage and freshness questions.

Absurdist Solutions & Advice (16:14–21:27)

• Prison Call Center:
  • Pretends to be a death row inmate answering calls (“Right now I’m in a federal max prison…they’re using death row inmates to answer the phone calls right now.” – 16:39)
• Biggest Turkey Breast Adventure:
  • Jokes about secret turkey “breast blackouts” due to family strife and suggests going to CVS or Pizza Hut for turkey.
  • Quote (19:20): “The owner of Juul broke up with the daughter of Butterball, and there’s a family fight going on…It is, I’m with the Juul guy.”

Stuffing, Cooking, & Friend Drama (20:43 – 21:06)

• Jokingly tells a caller to “get some new friends” if they don't appreciate dark meat.

The Millionth Caller Gag (21:54–25:15)

• Stephen falsely congratulates a caller for being the “millionth caller” whose prize is simply to get their question answered.
• In typical Colbert fashion, reveals his true identity midway (“My name is Alan. It’s Stephen.” – 25:08), surprising the caller and prompting her to call her husband to the phone.

Faux Shared Wait-Line Therapy Session (26:04–28:22)

• In an absurd, heartfelt improv, Stephen and a caller, both pretending to be on hold, commiserate over life and Thanksgiving plans.
  • Discussion evolves into comedic heartbreak, landscaping as therapy, and the accidental involvement of a wife’s sisters.
    • Quote (27:54): “It was her fault. She dared me. She used to say, no other woman would have you. And I said, but I could have four women at once. And then I did it. And then she got mad...now it’s in court.”

---

Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• On Thanksgiving stress:
  “I so enjoyed being a chaos agent on our national holiday.” – Stephen Colbert (04:46)
• On holiday advice:
  “The thing to keep in mind is that however you cook the bird and however you thaw the bird, remember, this is your journey and no one can judge you.” – Stephen Colbert (18:03)
• On turkey thawing:
  “Can you just…hit it? Does it sound hard…or does it sound like you’re spanking a lover?” – Stephen Colbert (14:29)
• On Butterball-Juul family drama:
  “I’m with the Juul guy. I don’t understand why we’re not sending them breasts that are bigger than six pounds.” – Stephen Colbert (19:20)
• On identity reveals:
  “My name is Alan. It’s Stephen…It’s the handsome and sarcastic Stephen Colbert as described by Pam.” – Stephen Colbert (25:08)

---

Important Timestamps for Segments

• [01:05–04:04]: Reminiscing the Butterball bit and dedication to Liz Levin
• [04:52–05:46]: Thanksgiving cooking tips and cranberry sauce debate
• [06:04–09:24]: Butterball call center interview; improvisational setup
• [09:31–21:27]: The Butterball call line hijinks (turkey, stuffing, air-traffic control, breast size, etc.)
• [21:54–25:15]: The “millionth caller” and Colbert’s identity reveal
• [26:04–28:22]: “On-hold” life therapy and marriage improv bit

---

Tone & Style

The episode blends heartfelt gratitude, meta show-banter, and signature Colbert irony. Stephen treats cooking advice and customer service as fodder for absurd improvisation, leading with playfulness and affectionate irreverence. The atmosphere is familial, warm, and raucously silly, making both the Thanksgiving blues and culinary anxieties easier to laugh at.

---

For New Listeners

This episode is both a behind-the-scenes look at a legendary Late Show comedy bit and a fresh, laugh-out-loud audio play. Even if you haven’t heard the original, Colbert’s blend of sincerity, affection for his team, and anarchic, in-character chaos on the turkey hotline will leave you grinning through your own Thanksgiving prep.

---

[End of Summary]

Transcript

[DSW Announcer]

Holiday PSA from dsw. This is a reminder that shoes are a gift. Literally. So unwrap something good like boots that inspire your next big adventure. Or cozy slippers that give you an excuse to stay in. Or sneakers that feel like pure joy. Because shoes aren't just shoes, they're exactly what you wanted. Let us surprise you so you can surprise them. Find shoes that get you and everyone on your list at prices that get your budget at dsw stores or dsw.com.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, Ryan Reynolds here wishing you a very happy half off holiday because right now Mint Mobile is offering you the gift of 50% off unlimited. To be clear, that's half price, not half the service. Mint is still premium unlimited wireless for a great price. So that means a half day. Yeah. Give it a try. @mintmobile.com Upfront payment of $45 for three.

[Caller]

Month plan equivalent to $15 per month required new customer offer for first three months only.

[Stephen Colbert]

Speed Slow Hacker 35 gigabytes of networks busy taxes and fees extra cmnb.com.

Hey everybody, it's Stephen Colbert with my podcast producer Becca. She does more things than that here, but right now that's the hat she's wearing.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

That's the hat I'm wearing. I'm here with Stephen. Thanks so much for being here, Steven. You know I love to do these intros.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's my pleasure for me too.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

I have a fun little last thing on our rock and roll Thanksgiving week that I want to do and it's something we've never done before, but I'd like to record a quick intro to an old intro that we've already done. This is this two year anniversary of us doing Late show pod show intros. Is it really? We've been doing this for two years.

[Stephen Colbert]

Wow.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Thank you for listening. If you've been listening the whole time. We have a fun time here.

[Stephen Colbert]

We really do.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

But one of the first ones we ever did was for the best Thanksgiving bit of all time, the Butterball Turkey Hotline.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, I think I may have peaked as an improviser with the Butterball Turkey Hotline.

Really?

Honest, Scott. I think it's the last thing that Liz Levin ever did on the show. Last thing. She was one of our producers and just a dear heart. And I think it's the last thing we did together. And we laughed all day long at the expense of these poor people who just wanted to find out how to like not die of salmonella or how long could they refrigerate it? How do they thaw a turkey? Or why Won't the little thing pop out when it's done? And I was of no help whatso I was actively hindering their ability to have a happy Thanksgiving. And I have no regrets.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

It's a family favorite. It's so fun. It's so lovely. There's two different editions that you. You know, it's two different acts, so please stick around and enjoy it all.

[Stephen Colbert]

And there's outtakes, too.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Oh, cool.

[Stephen Colbert]

There's outta.

There's.

There's. There's extras. There's a third one that's extras.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Okay, we're popping that on here.

[Stephen Colbert]

Pop that on there, too.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

I don't know if it's as good as the other two, but it's a lot of fun.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

You know, people just need guidance. They need support. They need to feel that's what this.

[Stephen Colbert]

Time of year's about.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Yeah, totally.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're all in this together.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Exactly. And I couldn't let Thanksgiving roll by without spreading the joy of the turkey talk line this. This year. So please enjoy. And I apologize in advance for how nervous I sound in this first intro we ever did.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, were you?

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

I was very nervous. And I just want to say, on behalf of the whole staff, you make everyone feel so comfortable and confident, and I am going to wax poetic at you for a second. You're the best boss, and you really are a boss. You know, you. You work and live the show, and you make it so fun for everyone, and we're all really, really grateful for you, Stephen, so.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, that is. Becca.

That's the loveliest thing you could give me for Thanksgiving. Thanks so much. And I love doing these with you, too. It's so relaxing. It's such a great change of pace. And you're just the best.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

You're the best, Stephen. Thank you so much. All right, and now some silliness and some gratitude. This is the Butterball turkey talk line.

[Stephen Colbert]

Love you, Liz.

Lev. Hey, Becca.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Hey, Stephen.

[Stephen Colbert]

And hey, everybody. Who's listening?

Happy Thanksgiving.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Happy Thanksgiving from the Late Show. Pod Show.

[Stephen Colbert]

What do we have cooking up for Thanksgiving? Potting.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

So this is my favorite field piece, and we can, you know, it's specific.

[Stephen Colbert]

To this time of year, is this turkey talk line.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

This is the Butterball turkey talk line.

[Stephen Colbert]

I love the turkey talk line. It is some of the stupidest jokes I've ever done. I think my favorite thing in the turkey talk line is the woman who calls in and doesn't know whether her turkey is fully thawed out. And I tell her to take a wooden spoon and to spank her turkey as you would a lover. You know, just firm enough to make a point, but not so hard as it leaves a mark. And to hold her phone up to the turkey while she spanks it. And she did. And God. God bless her. And I hope the turkey turned out really well. And I want to apologize to everybody who called in that day. It's a very tense day. It's very stressful. I'm sure I didn't help, but I so enjoyed being a chaos agent on our national holiday. Thank you.

Thank you. Butterball.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Are you cooking a turkey this year?

[Stephen Colbert]

Always. Yeah.

Yeah. I dry brine. I dry brine for 24 hours.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

And then just rinse it out. And then so, so moist. Don't do that wet brining. It's not necessary. Just dry brine that bad boy. And then here's the thing. Stuff it. Don't do dressing on the side.

You stuff it.

Oh, but salmonella.

Grow up.

Stuff your turkey with the. Just go get the Pepperidge Farm, whatever. They're not a sponsor. Get the Pepperidge Farm, whatever. And some chicken stock in there. And cut up some celery and a little onion. You know, hey, you know, get some good juices going. And you get that in that bird. And then you get all the drippings from the bird into the stuffing, and it's like, you know, savory pudding. It's amazing.

Is that it?

That's all we need to tell the people.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

I think that's it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

Let's get into the controversy before we go any further. Are you canned cranberry or the loose, like, real cranberry?

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

My mom always puts out the canned.

[Stephen Colbert]

Sure.

Of course.

Of course. Yeah, yeah.

It slithers out of the can. It's got the little rimples where the can was there. And you slice it and you put it on your meat. How hard is that?

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Beautiful.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know, get off your high horse. Real cranberry people.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Live from the Butterball call center in Naperville, Illinois.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hey, did you hear what the Butterball.

Is partnering with, like, Bumblebee.

No.

Yeah. Bumble and Butterball are getting together, and they're, like, pairing you with someone else to have Thanksgiving dinner with if you're alone.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Oh, that's so nice.

[Stephen Colbert]

Isn't that nice?

Yeah.

I think we want to launch something on the show called a gobbler, where it pairs you with the turkey.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Great.

[Stephen Colbert]

Pairs you with the turkey.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

It's beautiful.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Well, happy Thanksgiving. Here's Stephen taking calls from the Butterball turkey talk line.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now, folks, it is Just two days before Thanksgiving. And I know a lot of are stressed about making the meal for the family. And that's why it's so important to get accurate information on turkey preparation. You could try YouTube, lots of how to videos there about how to give your turkey a smoky eye. But of course, the gold standard everybody knows is the Butterball turkey talk line. It is a toll free number. A lot of fans here tonight. A toll free number you can call to speak to an expert who really knows what they're talking about. Or this year you could talk to me because last weekend I flew to the heartland of America to help Butterball.

Out.

[Caller]

The Late show presents Stephen Colbert's Thanksgiving turkey tips.

[Stephen Colbert]

I headed to the Butterball call center in Naperville, Illinois, where I met Carol Miller, a 33 year Butterball veteran.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Welcome.

[Stephen Colbert]

Happy Thanksgiving.

You too.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

You too.

[Stephen Colbert]

So, Carol.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

That's correct.

[Stephen Colbert]

What makes a good Butterball hotliner? Like what are you looking for someone.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

That has some food background.

[Stephen Colbert]

I've eaten a lot. Eaten a lot of food. Yeah.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

You have to be a good listener because they're telling you a story. They're telling you what's happening in their house and then you have to.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that. What was the last one?

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

They're telling you what's happening in their house. You have to be a good detective. Detective sometimes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Because they might have murdered someone.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

No, no, no. But you have to ask about, get.

[Stephen Colbert]

More clues to find out if they murdered someone.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

No, no.

[Stephen Colbert]

What a detective.

I don't understand the detective part.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

You need more clues to be able to answer their question.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's the craziest question you've ever got?

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Sometimes they call and want to know where they can rent a turkey suit.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why do they need a turkey suit?

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Don't ask. I don't ask.

[Stephen Colbert]

You don't ask.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Don't ask.

[Stephen Colbert]

Role playing maybe?

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

No, no.

[Stephen Colbert]

You be the pilgrim, I'll be the turkey.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

No, not you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Go get the baster. You know, the tricky handshake.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

I don't. I should.

[Stephen Colbert]

Like this, like this. You come at me like this and then our thumb's hooked from behind.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

All right.

[Stephen Colbert]

And you go.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Got it?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. What kind of voice should I be using? What's the phone manner like? Is it like. Hi, this is Steve. Yes. Can I take a yes? Really?

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

How about like, welcome to the Butterball hotline.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

No, no, no, the first one. Okay, thank you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

When you're done talking and you've made them happy and you say goodbye, you might want to say Happy Thanksgiving.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is it more important to have, like a happy beginning of the phone call, or should I give them a happy ending?

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

All the way.

[Stephen Colbert]

All the way through.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Keep it. Keep it happy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Happy all the way through.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Informative.

[Stephen Colbert]

All the way through.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Okay, when you're done, see the black button here? You're going to. That's going to get release and then you will get another.

[Stephen Colbert]

The release is right there.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

So after the. After the happy ending, I hit the black button for the full release.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

That's right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you. Great. Thank you, Carol.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

All right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Thank you. Thank you very much.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Good luck.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right. Butterball hotline. Let's butter your balls.

[Caller]

I like it well done. How would you suggest I cook it?

[Stephen Colbert]

A long time? Cook it a long time. Hi, this is Carol. Welcome to the turkey talk line.

[Caller]

Hi, Carol.

I'm cooking my butter bowl turkey breast with wings. And I put it in at 325, but after two hours, I put aluminum foil on it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Over all of it or just the thighs?

[Caller]

There were no thighs.

[Stephen Colbert]

There were no thighs. What happened to the bird? Why are there no thighs?

[Caller]

The way it was sold was the breast and the wings.

[Stephen Colbert]

You got ripped off.

[Caller]

The way they sold it, you got ripped off.

[Stephen Colbert]

Birds usually come with thighs. I apologize. Can we get a number? And we're going to send you out a fresh turkey with thighs. That's not right.

[Caller]

Oh, what do you mean? How do you do that?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, just give me an address and we'll send you another turkey because that should have come with thighs. Most of them are grown with them.

[Caller]

Oh, really?

It's in the oven and it's an hour less than the required cook time.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, that happens a lot.

[Caller]

And the meat thermometer is saying it's at 188.

[Stephen Colbert]

188?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Get out of there. It's going to blow. 188. There's no way you want a turkey that hot.

[Caller]

That's what I'm saying because I followed the time on the instructions.

[Stephen Colbert]

What's your name?

[Caller]

So why are you asking me my name?

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm trying to calm you down. You seem like you're in a panic.

[Caller]

Said you were a turkey expert when.

They answered the phone.

You're described as a turkey expert.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, that's mostly marketing. Okay, I apologize again. I apologize for the entire company. Butterball, Turkey Tocline. This is Steve. How can I help you?

[Caller]

Oh, I hope you can. This is really a question about stuffing. If I.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Do you call it stuffing or dressing?

[Caller]

I call it stuffing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, wrong answer. Bye. Bye.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Hello?

[Stephen Colbert]

Hello.

[Caller]

I speak English.

[Stephen Colbert]

Delta three five nine er, this is Chicago O' Hare Tower. I need you to go to 2700ft and level off on approach. Please stay in the holding pattern. We will advise. Hello? Hello, Is this Delta 359er?

[Caller]

No, I'm calling the Butterball Turkey Hotline.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, you've reached o' Hare Tower. We've got. Can you please put the pilot on?

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

What?

[Stephen Colbert]

Can you please put the pilot of the plane on? And he took to the pilot of the plane. You're on approach. You are on final approach to Runway Delta 5. No, you have reached the point, ma'. Am. It is a federal offense to interrupt with avionics or aviation. Please put the pilot on right now. You are Delta 359er on approach to O'. Hare. I got planes stacked up over O' Hare like cordwood right now. All right?

[Caller]

I don't know what they're talking about.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm gonna lay.

[Caller]

I'm calling the Turkey Hotline, the Butterball Turkey Hotline.

[Stephen Colbert]

Can I have your name, please?

[Caller]

No, I'm kidding you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Now, I can't have your name, okay? I'm gonna have to hand this over to Homeland Security if you don't give me your name. Well, you can take Delta three five nine er. Delta 359er, you are cleared to land.

[Caller]

I'm gonna call the police.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right, well, I'm gonna call the Army. I mean, if you want to get.

[Caller]

Into it, I'm gonna call the police.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right, you're the police, right now you're the one who's calling o' Hare Tower to ask about cooking a turkey, and you're calling the police? Butterball Turkey. Top line. Gobble, gobble.

[Caller]

Hi.

I had a question. I bought a turkey yesterday at a Target superstore. It was in, like, the refrigerator, kind of open. Cooler in the produce department.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, like those things that look like coffins?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, but they're closed.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

But they're.

[Caller]

I mean, they're open.

[Stephen Colbert]

They're open. Exactly. Exactly. Open. An open casket.

[Caller]

Yeah. Okay. So anyway, so it wasn't frozen. So my question is. And it says, sell up to, like, 11, November 28th. Now, is it okay to just keep. I brought it home and just put it in my refrigerator. Can I keep it in the refrigerator for a week or do I have to freeze it first? Or was it frozen first?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, so it might still be frozen and you don't know it because the inside can be frozen and you don't know it.

[Caller]

Oh, okay.

Well, maybe it could I mean, it's.

Heavy, but it's £20, so.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, well, when it thaws, it'll be just as heavy. Yeah. It doesn't get lighter. Don't put it outside. That's the one thing I'll tell you. A lot of people put their turkeys outside to thaw.

[Caller]

No, no. I want to ask you about this. I'm nervous about this turkey.

[Stephen Colbert]

Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous. It's all going to be fine. You're talking to a turkey expert now.

[Caller]

Okay, well, it's all. It's squishy if I squeeze it, but it does feel like it's pretty heavy, probably on the inside. It's not like I can move the leg. I don't think you can't.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, it's still in the packaging. Right. Do you have a wooden spoon?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

Can you just. Can you just. Can you hit. Can you hit it? Does it sound hard? Does it sound like a rock when you hit it with a spoon? Or does it sound like you're spanking a lover?

[Caller]

It's like you're spanking. You want to hear it?

[Stephen Colbert]

I do. Yeah. Put the phone up, too. Okay.

[Caller]

I'm just hitting it with my hand.

[Stephen Colbert]

One more time.

I didn't hear that. Yeah, that's thawed. That's thawed. Oh, that's thawed. It will last in the refrigerator the entire time. You're fine. It'll be fine.

[Caller]

It'll be fine. And it even says on there to sell by 1128, which is after Thanksgiving.

[Stephen Colbert]

So it's after Thanksgiving. Sell by 1128. Does it say what year?

[Caller]

2016.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just making sure. Just making sure. So, yeah, you can definitely sell it.

[Caller]

Sell it.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, you can definitely sell it. If it says you can sell by 1128, you can legally sell that again.

[Caller]

No, I mean if it was in the refrigerator, part of the produce department, and they're sitting out there, so obviously they're just sitting out there as well as me just sitting in my refrigerator. Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

It's exactly the same thing, which is why they sold it. And you can sell it now, too.

[Caller]

Okay, you're confusing me now.

[Stephen Colbert]

You'll be fine as long as you don't take any of my advice and have a fantastic time.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Okay.

[Caller]

You have a good Thanksgiving.

[Stephen Colbert]

You, too. Bye. Bye.

Stick around, pilgrims, because I'll be taking more calls at the Butterball turkey Talk line after this.

Hello, Butterball turkey talk line. This is Alan. Can I help you?

[Caller]

I have a question about stuffing.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, okay.

Is that. What's your Question about stuffing.

[Caller]

Can I make it Wednesday morning and then take it to my daughters? And on Wednesday night in the refrigerated.

[Stephen Colbert]

How far away does she live?

[Caller]

Between Niles and Park Ridge. So where are you located?

[Stephen Colbert]

Where am I located? Right now I'm in a federal max prison right now. They're using death row inmates to answer the phone calls right now.

[Caller]

Surely. Did you do something awful?

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I mean, you don't get on death row for parking tickets.

[Caller]

Oh, my goodness.

Yeah, but you know, I have another call coming in. But you say I have a lot.

[Stephen Colbert]

Of calls coming in. I'm also very busy.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right. Bye.

[Caller]

Bye.

[Stephen Colbert]

You'll know that it's done when the fire alarm goes off. Oh, okay. Thank you. Thank you. Welcome to the turkey talk line. Only the plumpest, fattest thighs. Whether you like it white or whether you like it dark, it's time to go down. Hi, this is Phil. Can I help you?

[Caller]

Yes, I have a question, please. Each year I follow the turkey starting on Sunday, and by Wednesday I take it out and we get the giblets out to cook. Now you put it back in the refrigerator until Thursday morning. I have a problem with, like, a freezer burn, slight freezer burn because of slog, you know?

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. Do you have a garage?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Put it in the garage. Where are you? Where are you right now? I'm checking on my weather map. Where are you calling me from?

[Caller]

Florida.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, that's not a good idea. You don't want to put it in the garage in Florida.

[Caller]

Are you understanding my question? Sir, I'm not quite sure if we're on our same page here.

[Stephen Colbert]

The thing to keep in mind is that however you cook the bird and however you thaw the bird, remember, this is your journey and no one can judge you.

[Caller]

All right?

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. You know how they say dance like nobody's watching?

[Caller]

There you go.

[Stephen Colbert]

I want you to cook like nobody's gonna eat. Turkey talk line. This is Bobby G. How can I help you? Gobble, gobble. All right, let's talk T day.

[Caller]

I have a couple questions.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay. I only have one answer is the problem so you can ask questions.

[Caller]

I have always made a Butterball whole turkey, but since this year, a lot of people just like the white meat. So I'm going to be making the Butterball turkey breast.

[Stephen Colbert]

So a lot of people just like the white meat. People aren't responding to the dark meat this year.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

Right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why this year is different than all other years?

[Caller]

Because it's different people.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, different people are coming to dinner.

[Caller]

Right so the question I have is two questions. Yes, I noticed that when I go to the store, the maximum I can find is six pounds. Is there bigger turkey breast than six pounds?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, absolutely. What's the store you go to?

[Caller]

I usually go to Jewel. I have a lot.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh yeah. We got a blackout on Juul and anything above £6, there's a contract dispute. It's not your problem and you don't want to know what it's about. It's a family thing. But the owner of Juul broke up with the daughter of Butterball and there's a family fight going on and it's. It's. I personally, I think it's ridiculous. It is. I'm with the Juul guy. I don't understand why we're not sending them breasts that are bigger than six pounds. How big of how much meat do you need?

[Caller]

Well, it's going to be four people, but I like to give them leftovers to take home.

[Stephen Colbert]

Leftovers. So we can get you like a 22 pound breast.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Really?

[Stephen Colbert]

That's it? Yeah.

[Caller]

Wow.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're selling them at cvs. Did you have a CVS in the house?

[Caller]

No, but I could probably find one.

[Stephen Colbert]

So they keep the meat back there behind the pharmaceutical counter and just sit there and just say I want an injection of hot white meat and they'll go get you the turkey breast.

[Caller]

Is there any other place besides this one, sir?

[Stephen Colbert]

Let me see. Do you have a problem with cvs? Is there not.

[Caller]

I don't know if I have one in the area. I'm just thinking as we talk, do.

[Stephen Colbert]

You have a Food lion or a Piggly Wiggly or a Harris Teeter or a Fairway or Whole Foods?

[Caller]

We might have a Whole Foods.

[Stephen Colbert]

Might have a Whole Foods.

Yeah.

They don't have it. I just want. Do you have a Pizza Hut?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

I think Pizza Hut is also going to be selling some of our Butterball turkeys this year.

[Caller]

Is there any other place besides I can get.

[Stephen Colbert]

So Pizza Hut also doesn't work for you?

[Caller]

Well, I don't.

[Stephen Colbert]

What do you have? And I'll tell you. Tell me what you have.

[Caller]

I have a Walmart super center.

[Stephen Colbert]

Walmart? Yeah, they have that. Oh, they have a Walmart. Yeah. I'm sorry, you should have said that. They have a Walmart.

[Caller]

But I don't know if they have the breast, okay?

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, of course not. No, we don't sell them the breast. They do have the thighs. They have dark meat. They have a lot of dark meat.

[Caller]

No, sir, I'm just looking for A frozen turkey breast.

[Stephen Colbert]

I know, but why not some dark meat? Why not some dark meat?

[Caller]

They don't want it. I'm asking.

[Stephen Colbert]

Get some new friends.

[Caller]

To somebody else. You're giving me a hard time. Sir, please.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, look, please accept my apology. Don't tell them it was me. Don't say my name. Do you know my name? Did I tell you my name?

[Caller]

No, you didn't.

[Stephen Colbert]

My name is Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon. F, a A.

[Caller]

Give me your manager. Give me your manager. I want to talk to another representative.

[Stephen Colbert]

Absolutely. Sorry. Merry Christmas. Thank you. Thank you to everybody at Butterball. You're the best. More Late Show Poncho after. Hey, you're our one millionth caller. Congratulations.

[Caller]

Thank you. I'm your what caller?

[Stephen Colbert]

You're the one millionth caller. Congratulations.

[Caller]

Really?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. You are.

[Caller]

Do I get a prize?

[Stephen Colbert]

You do. You get your question answered.

[Caller]

All right.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is it okay if we broadcast this phone call right now?

[Caller]

Sure.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right.

We're gonna broadcast this on cbs.

[Caller]

Oh, my goodness.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Anything you want to say to. Do you watch cbs?

[Caller]

We do watch cbs.

[Stephen Colbert]

What shows do you watch on cbs?

[Caller]

Well, I used to watch the Good Wife.

[Stephen Colbert]

I used to watch it too, but they. But they cancel it. Madame Secretary is fantastic. Yeah.

[Caller]

The Big Bang. My guy.

[Stephen Colbert]

The Big Bang Theory. Yeah, those are great. Those are your guys?

[Caller]

Those are my guys.

[Stephen Colbert]

Bazinga.

[Caller]

Yeah, bazinga.

[Stephen Colbert]

Right.

[Caller]

T shirt that says that.

[Stephen Colbert]

You have a T shirt that says Bazinga. You were meant to be. You were meant to be the millionth caller.

[Caller]

I was meant to be Watch.

[Stephen Colbert]

You ever watched the Late Show?

[Caller]

Yes. Yeah, we do.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. What do you think of that show?

[Caller]

Oh, it's good. We like Stephen Colbert.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, he's a good guy. He's a good guy.

[Caller]

Funny. He's sarcastic. He is. And you know what? I think I gotta.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, is he. Is he good looking?

[Caller]

Of course.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I mean, of course. Not everybody on TV is good looking. Not everybody on TV is good looking.

[Caller]

Well, and they shouldn't need to be.

[Stephen Colbert]

That's exactly right.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

We have too much lookism in America. Okay, what's your question?

[Caller]

How do I cook my 7 pound turkey breast? Well, I'm cooking it for tonight.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, you're cooking it tonight. This isn't even for Thanksgiving. Do you have an oven?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Okay, they're off to a good start then.

[Caller]

All right.

[Stephen Colbert]

All right.

And put it in the oven.

All right.

So how high does your oven go?

[Caller]

500. Put it at 500, then 500.

[Stephen Colbert]

Just for a little while.

We're not.

We're not going to keep it at 500.

[Caller]

Okay, that scares me. Can I do it at 450? 500.

[Stephen Colbert]

You know what? I like your voice. We'll do it at 450. Okay. Have you rubbed the turkey breast down with anything?

[Caller]

No, but I can.

[Stephen Colbert]

What sort of industrial lubricants do you have?

[Caller]

What, like olive oil or canola oil?

[Stephen Colbert]

Olive oil would be great. Okay, so any more questions?

[Caller]

So what do I cook it at? You were looking up your 500.

[Stephen Colbert]

Still 500 degrees. All right, 500 degrees. Just for the first five minutes. Oh, yeah, because we go there and what it does, it sears the skin.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

It sears the skin and then you want to turn it down to about 165 and leave it in there for about two days.

[Caller]

Two days?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Are you. Oh, you're eating this tonight, right?

[Caller]

Oh, two days.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, this is one way to do it. This is one way to do it. There are other ways to do it. There's no right answer.

[Caller]

Well, I know. That's why I'm calling you, because I'm looking and there's all kinds of different things.

[Stephen Colbert]

Isn't it crazy? There's so many different ways to, you know, cook a turkey where somebody would just come up with some sort of line. You could call this.

[Caller]

This One here says 325, two and a quarter to three and a quarter hours.

[Stephen Colbert]

I would go with that then. That's what it says on the label. I would go with that.

[Caller]

Well, no, the label. Yeah, that's what the label says.

[Stephen Colbert]

I go with what's on the label.

[Caller]

Okay, thank you. What was your name?

[Stephen Colbert]

My name? I didn't actually say my name.

[Caller]

No.

[Stephen Colbert]

Would you like to know my name?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Guess.

Guess what?

My name is Alan. It's Stephen.

[Caller]

Stephen. Oh, as in Colbert?

[Stephen Colbert]

Exactly.

[Caller]

This isn't Stephen Colbert, is it?

[Stephen Colbert]

It is Stephen Colbert. No, it's the. It's the handsome and sarcastic Stephen Colbert as described by Pam.

[Caller]

Oh, my God, Are you kidding me?

[Stephen Colbert]

I. Well, I kid for a living, but I'm not kidding you right now.

[Caller]

Dan, I have Stephen Colbert on the line.

[Stephen Colbert]

Let me talk to Dan.

[Caller]

Here's Dan. Oh, he doesn't want to talk with you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, does Dan not like me?

[Caller]

No, Dan likes you.

[Stephen Colbert]

Why? It doesn't sound like Dan likes me.

[Caller]

Oh, he's poopy sometimes.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, poopy. Dan. Hey, listen, you have a great Thanksgiving.

[Caller]

You too.

[Stephen Colbert]

Hello? Yes, hi. I have a question about how to tuck cook my turkey?

[Caller]

No, this. I'm waiting to call, talk to someone myself.

[Stephen Colbert]

Is this not the butterball hotline.

[Caller]

It is, but I'm waiting to talk too. Just like you. I imagine somehow we got okay.

[Stephen Colbert]

I guess we just wait together then.

[Caller]

I guess so. So are you having a big crowd at your home?

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, I'm having 24 people.

[Caller]

Oh, neat. That's good.

[Stephen Colbert]

How about you? Having a big crowd?

[Caller]

No, just two people. My husband and I. Oh, that's nice.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, that's nice. How long you guys been married?

[Caller]

This year was our anniversary.

[Stephen Colbert]

50 years.

[Caller]

50 years.

[Stephen Colbert]

Holy cows. Cheryl and I couldn't make a go of it. We didn't work out. 18 good years. And then.

[Caller]

Well, that's how it goes.

[Stephen Colbert]

And then, you know, then fleet week.

[Caller]

And I imagine that it. The first Thanksgiving, it was kind of a. Maybe sad for you or indifferent or.

[Stephen Colbert]

This is the first Thanksgiving.

[Caller]

Oh, this is a good thing. You have all the people then coming.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, I was. I didn't, didn't. I didn't know. I thought I'd be married when we invited him. It only happened about three days ago.

[Caller]

Oh, gee, I'm sorry to hear that.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah, yeah.

[Caller]

Just keep active. Just keep yourself going.

[Stephen Colbert]

Oh, I do. Yeah. I do. Yeah. I'm a landscaper. I do a lot of topiary work, and I keep carving her face into the bushes, and it upsets the customers.

[Caller]

Did you initiate this or did.

[Stephen Colbert]

Well, look, I'm not gonna say I didn't have a part in it. I had part of it. She caught me with.

[Caller]

Another woman.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. Yeah, about four of them.

[Caller]

O was in.

[Stephen Colbert]

Yeah. So, I mean, there's. Let's just say there's more than egg on my face.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was her fault, though.

[Caller]

It was her fault.

[Stephen Colbert]

It was her fault. She dared me. She used to say. She'd say, no other woman would have you. And I said, but I could have four women at once. And then I did it. And then she got mad, and I said, but you dared me. And now it's, you know, now it's in court. Now it's in court.

[Caller]

I was thinking maybe, though, there's still, you know, a chance. Maybe there could.

[Stephen Colbert]

There. There could be a chance. But two of them are her sisters.

[Caller]

Oh, geez.

[Stephen Colbert]

I'm gonna hand you over to somebody who works here. Thank you for listening to the Late Show POD show with Stephen Colbert. Just one more thing. If you want to see more of me, come to The Late Show YouTube channel for more clips and exclusives. This weekend on Pluto tv. There's a war coming. Experience Yellowstone from the beginning.

[Carol Miller (Butterball Veteran)]

There is Keep the kingdom or there.

[Becca (Podcast Producer)]

Is lose the kingdom.

[Stephen Colbert]

Watch the Yellowstone marathon this weekend only on Pluto tv.

Stream now pay never.

Now streaming on Paramount plus Brandon was the full package.

[Caller]

I felt like I met my guy.

[Stephen Colbert]

Stop, stop. Stop talking. God. But he's not even close to the person that I thought he was. When you do break up with Brandon, that is when the stalking begins. I just knew something horrific was about to happen.

[DSW Announcer]

I saw the devil in his eyes.

[Stephen Colbert]

We're gonna tell everyone what he did. Don't date Brandon. Now streaming on Paramount plus.