Lauren LaRosa (12:23)
I don't even think it's confidence. I have said and I might get eaten alive. I don't think most women do better than the father of their children. I really don't think that it's real. That's the barometer. So here's my thing with this conversation. Women and their value and the decreasing of it because of kids. It's like, yes, let's just talk about the hard truths first. As a woman, it is a hard truth. Knowing that when you have kids with someone and then you decide to no longer be with that person, your experience in the world, your experience dating, your experience moving forward in your career and just in your day to day life is very different than a man with kids. And even that man that had the kids with you, it is very different. Number one being. Because normally what happens and this isn't all the time shout out to the, you know, single full time dads out there. But normally what happens is, you know, even if the man that you had kids with is super hands on and is a great dad, as the mom, the babies came out of your body, like as a mom, you know, the load is just heavier on your side and it's not that the man that you had kids with is not helping. Let me be very clear when I say that it's just, it's just different. And I Don't have kids. So, you know, y' all like, who she talking, she ain't got no kids. Yeah, I don't have kids, but I, I have friends with kids who, you know, are working through situations where it didn't work out with the, with the father of their children. I have family members, you know, that I'm very close to who, you know, I have, that have gone through these things and being there and seeing what they're going through and seeing how they like rebuild their lives after, it is very different. Now, I do know men who have been in the same position where not that they're single full time dads, but these are men who have decided that, you know, they're no longer going to be in a situation where they're in a family unit, right? And then they go out and they want to date and they want to rebuild their lives. And it's difficult on both sides. But if we're being honest, y', all, y' all look at single women with kids way differently than y' all look at a single man with kids. As long as he got that baby mama under control and he can afford you and whatever he got to do over there on the other side, for most women, it's not an issue at all. However, I wish I had one of my homegirls here right now, however, and maybe we'll have this conversation when we get on the cruise as well too. I think this might be a great conversation to bring amongst the group of women I'll be amongst. I just gotta figure out how I'm gonna do it, sound wise and all that. So stay tuned for that. Because one of my friends that's with me right now, she was actually, we were at dinner last night and she was having a conversation and, and her child is older and she has a great co parent, like an amazing co parent. But she was saying how because the families were still so intertwined because of her son, it made things very difficult for her in trying to move forward because men were not comfortable with the fact that families were still intertwined. But I mean, y' all have kids together and their son is to an age where they have no choice but to be very intertwined because he's older. So he wants to be with his cousins on both sides, he wants to be with grandmas on both sides, he wants mom and dad at certain things. And she said, you know, that was an issue for her and still can be an issue for her today sometimes, just because not even the relationship that her and her child's father have and they have a good one. But there's boundaries there. But just because of the family aspect. And I was thinking about my own self, like, you know, in dating men with kids, one of the things that you have to just suck up and get used to, and it's like you want it, right? Like, you want a man that has a good relationship with his mother, with the mother of his kids, and with the family of his kids on the mother's side, because you want the best for the child. Once you love the man, you love the child. But also too, you want peace for that man. If you really with him and you love him and you want to be with him, you want peace for him. And that's normally what brings peace. However, it can be uncomfortable. It can be very uncomfortable because you have to trust blindly. Like, you already trust him blindly being vulnerable because your heart isn't it. And y' all know how that go. But when there's another woman who emotionally this man is tied to, even if they're not together because they share children, it's just different. Especially because those emotions are things. If you guys don't have kids, those emotions are things that you really like. That's something that they have together and that causes fear for a lot of people. I've been there shooting. I've been there. But I think as women, we're like, he'll handle it and it's okay, and we'll figure it out. I've never thought about any men that I've met with kids. My natural conversation has never went to the value of that man ever. But with women, it does. And it's because, number one, the relationships that men are just not okay with, the relationships that you have to upkeep because you have children with someone the same way that women are. Number two, if we being honest, men just don't wanna take care of nobody kids. And I think people left that part out of what Cam Newton was saying because the way he got into this, he was actually talking about a conversation he was having with one of the mothers of his children. So. And all these audios are on the it's Giving podcast with Sarah Fentonote. I probably am saying her last name wrong. I apologize, Sarah, but her podcast is really good. I feel like her conversations, really, they get the people going. But listen, I don't. I told you in the opening of this. This Kim and some of his statements are not my favorite. But if we're being honest, I understand where he's coming from. Because men don't be wanting to take care of them babies if them babies not theirs at all. And also too, I don't know, there's just this like double standard sexually about a man being able to go out and conquer the world and create children and create all these homes, even if he doesn't stay in them. And that's a man. That's what men do versus a woman. Like, men look at you. If you're a woman with like, you know, children and your relationship didn't work, even if it's just one, you share children with one man. Not even multiple men. Because that's a whole nother conversation too. They love to, you know, that's a whole thing. It's always like, well, what happened? What didn't work? Cam is not saying nothing that people haven't said before. It just is annoying to hear it. But the reason why I was saying that it's unfair in the beginning of this podcast is because I think men never take into account all the things that women have to do for us to even be valued in the first place, especially black women. And I know Cam talks in this same podcast episode about men and, you know, men not being loved unconditionally, black men and only being looked at as providers. We'll get to that. But I think for a lot of men, it's like women have to do. So it's like, okay, if I am working a career and I'm good at what I do and I'm making good money and I'm providing for myself and I am self sufficient and I have standards and I want you to come to the table with something. I might be, you know, those girls are outed or outlisted, right? Like most of the time those women are looked at as like, difficult or we understand why you're single or too much attitude or your standards are too high, right? So you have that pocket and then you have the pocket of, okay, I'm a woman who decided that I wanted to be a career wife and mother. And I've dedicated my life to this man and I built this family with this man. And then one day it just doesn't work and he decides to leave or I decide to leave. And now I'm starting from scratch. So I'm, you know, starting from scratch of like figuring out career and who I am and what I have going on. And then those women are put in a box of okay, because you aren't sometimes financially stable. The way that a man that you may meet is because those women, you know, may look For a man to take care of them, which I'm not knocking, you know, but I'm just making a difference in lifestyle. So those women might be like, okay, look, I'm gonna get myself together. I want to be self sufficient, but I'm used to being a wife and a mother to a man that takes care of everything and brings everything home. It is very hard nowadays to find a man that will do all of that and will still treat you as if you are as equal of a human being as he is. Very, very hard to find that those type of men. Child, that is. I was gonna say that's so old school. But even old school, I feel like, you know, the, the whole, like gender equality, like that whole thing was always a thing. But I think nowadays, man, it's so scary the way that men try to control you with money. So it's like, it's hard. Like, you can't be this, like you can't be too much of the. I got it all figured out. I need you, but I gotta learn how to need you. And you can't be too much of the. I need you. Because now you gotta be scared of like, how much will you be controlled because of that. And, and then you got kids too as well. So you're making decisions based off of your children and trying to make sure they're good, not even about yourself. And in all these situations, I've never once talked about value because I've only talked about things that devalue us. Like, I can only speak from my experience in saying that. Like, I feel like it's always a fight for us to have valued conversation. Then there's like the whole like fertility conversation and the time clock and your time clock and your age devalues you as a woman. The older men get, it's like, oh my God, he got himself together. He's seasoned, he's ready to. We just heard, he's ready to settle down. We just heard Clifton Powell say he just learned how to love somebody at 70 years old. Somebody, you know, younger than him, who was looking just for stability. Not even just financially and like physically, but like looking for stability and love and being able to be vulnerable. Clifton Powell, hey, I mean, he's providing well for himself. You know, he's not a bad looking older man, but he's telling you I'm finally at the age where I want to be fully about somebody and about a family and about all the things that's what a woman wants. But he's 70, a woman at 6550 years old that is single and still trying to figure it out. It's like, what was wrong with her that she ain't never got herself together? We always hear from men and women. I've always been told, because you don't want to end up 65, 70 and alone. No one tells men that. Nobody's like, nobody. I've never heard my brother or any of my male friends be like, you don't want to end up 70 and alone. I think we just assume that men will always conquer and will always figure it out. And even when we do speak to men about getting it together and not wanting to be alone, it's never from a devalued place for women. It's like, once you get, you know, your age clock gonna run out. No more babies. Menopause is always these, like, detractor things. So I, for me, I've had to change the conversation. And that's what I mean by fairness. Like, I think when people have these conversations, you can be honest, but, like, let's have a full conversation about, like, how we even ended up to the point where, like, devaluing women because of babies, that they have a gift to the world. Like, literally, women are birthing human beings. You know how many women don't make. Black women don't make it through childbirth. And we tell, we out here, we out here at the top of our lungs saying, because you made it through childbirth and you brought this, this beautiful baby into the world, your value has now decreased. That is insane to me. When a man welcomes his child into the world, especially if it's a boy and a junior, oh, my God. The kingdom continues. It's like Lion King when they hold up, you know what's Lion King, son? Simba. When they hit, look, y', all, it's been a minute, okay? I'm 34. When they hold up Simba over, you know, the whole, like the rock, it's like, yes, the kingdom continues. The last name continues. We don't even get talked about like that. We get devalued because we had a baby.
