Kendra Adachi (13:01)
The second scenario that might have us feeling annoyed is volume and or mess. Y'all kids are just loud and Messy, like not all the time and not every kid. And honestly there's nothing wrong with that. Even if they are. It's just like a neutral fact that most of us can agree upon. Most kids at some point are loud and or messy and as their parents we get hit with the brunt of it. How can you kindly parent in that situation when you're annoyed by the volume or the mass? One of the best ways I think to shape your response is remembering that you are the one annoyed by a kid's volume, not that the kid is loud and therefore wrong. If kids are in your house and being super loud and you're overstimulated, your understandable response is to get them to be quiet. I totally get that and have done it. It's like bring it down. Stop yelling that mellophone is so loud. Can it be quieter? You know, but it's not always that. The volume itself needs to change. Your proximity to the volume needs to change. This is why we send loud kids outside or we go outside ourselves or to a different room or something. The volume isn't necessarily the problem, our proximity to it is. That is also a compassionate way of looking at noise. You are annoyed by the noise, so you need some space from it. You can get it in a handful of ways, but yelling at the kids to be quiet is probably the least effective for everyone. They're like why? And then you're stuck managing their noise. Now I realize that there are some situations that do not make this easy. Maybe you have a smaller home with less space to escape, or like you live in an apartment building without a yard. You know, you can't just send kids out to the street. Maybe you're simply home all the time with tiny kids and volume and mess are just part of the deal and so separation from it feels futile in those cases. I wonder if a house rule might work. Create some type of boundary for the volume and the mess in seasons where you feel like it's always there. So if kids are always home because they're like not in school yet because they're little, or it's the summer, they're not in school cuz they are school aged. But it's summertime. Create quiet hours like every day. Have a stretch of time where quiet is the rule. So between this time and this time, we're not gonna yell or shout or be above like library volume. That's to help us all reset and enjoy a little quiet. Even if not everybody wants the quiet the same amount. It doesn't even have to Be alone time. Although it can be. It's just like, I don't know, whisper time or reading time or room time or whatever. Whatever works for your family. Having something regular to give you a break from the noise, not necessarily the noise makers, is like a speed bump for your annoyance. It slows it down. Mess, I think, is similar. If volume is the auditory detritus from kids being kids, mess is the actual physical detritus. Kids just leave stuff everywhere rather than constantly be annoyed by it, which I am. You can create a house rule to have distance from it or rhythms to help abate it. So having distance might look like keeping one room designated as, like, a main playroom where mess is expected. And did you catch that? There is an expectation that a certain room stays relatively messy from play, and that changes everything, right? Or it could be the opposite. Like, no big toy things in this room. You know, like, this room is more off limits for toys or whatever, whatever you want. Or you can create distance from that mess on a regular basis by having rhythms that keep the mess at bay. We love an afternoon tidy. Oh, my goodness. It's my favorite. Since my kids were super young, we tidy the L. The L is our open living room kitchen space that's shaped like an L. That's where we tidy. Because that's primarily where I live. When that space is tidy, I feel less annoyed. The rest of my family does not get annoyed by mess the way I do or even see mess the way that I see it. So having a rhythm of tidying the L before we start anything fun or we transition to something else or, you know, whatever, at the end of the day, it is hugely helpful for me. So hopefully something in that. In that perspective keeps you from being overwhelmed by volume and mess and constantly annoyed by it. Okay, so that's volume and mess. The third place that we might get annoyed with our kids is when they whine or complain. Um, this is where I break the fastest. I have little to no tolerance for whiny kids. Um, whereas, like, a friend of mine barely flinches. Barely flinches. She doesn't condone complaining and whining. I mean, she's not like, sure, whatever, whine and complain. But, like, it doesn't emotionally bother her the way it does me. Like, even the way I'm speaking about right now. Annoy. Oh, my gosh, it drives me nuts. Complaining kids drive me nuts. Again, annoyance is in the eye of the beholder. We're all annoyed by different things. And since I'm very annoyed by complaining, I am like, I'm not brimming with advice on this one, but I do think the most powerful tool that I have in my own personal complaining kid toolbox is is validation. I understand not wanting to do something. I understand being annoyed by responsibility. I get takes a lot of effort for me to do things I don't want to do with a joyful attitude. Which is what I seem to expect from my children. Why would I expect that from my kids? That they would have an easy time with that when it's really hard for me. So when it's time to tidy the L or to do something that a kid doesn't want to do and one of the kids complains and like collapses and it's just so put upon, I say, I know. I don't like this either. I don't like doing chores either. I don't like fill in the blank either. There are plenty of other things that we both would rather be doing. I get it. But sometimes we got to be a team and we got to take care of stuff or we got to just like be responsible and do the hard thing real quick, get out of the way. And we're going to do it no matter how much you complain. So you can decide how much you want to enjoy this or hate it. And then I take deep breaths and I hope that they don't choose the hating it and that they spend the next however long whining. But it helps to remember that we're all kind of in the same boat on motivation. You know, procrastination can only work for so long. And as adults we mostly know that kids don't know that yet. So extending patience in their direction while also explaining that this will happen their whole lives. This kind of thing of not wanting to do something. So it's good to practice, like, having a decent attitude. Now that is my. That is my current chosen approach. Okay, Scenario four is kids fighting with their siblings. That can annoy a parent all day long. You feel like a referee all the time and it's exhausting. If that's your scenario, I'm going to actually point you to another episode. It's episode two, six, 16. It's like four years old. Navigating siblings who fight. It is a whole episode on this and it still, still tracks. Still works. So I'm not going to try and poorly condense an entire episode right here. But if you struggle with finding siblings, that episode is there for you. Need it if you need it. 216 navigating siblings who fight. Okay, scenario number five. It can feel desperately annoying to have to repeat yourself over and over again to a kid. Now, there are many reasons why you might have to. So let's think about what our expectations can be here. Because again, annoyance is often in our own eyes and it's based on expectations. So I talk about this some in the plan, in my book, the plan. But every brain, it does not process information the same way. Right now we all like mostly know this, but I know that I forget it in the moment. I often expect that one of my kids will assimilate information the same way that I do. Now I have three kids and one of them actually does. One of my kids does not need to be reminded of anything. They love being responsible. They do not have to be told twice, like pretty much always. That kid is currently in the house doing their laundry. True story. Now that doesn't mean they're a better kid. And what does better mean anyway? It's just that that one kid's brain is wired really efficiently for executive functions. It's as simple as that. So as we learn more about neurodivergence, we need to recognize that just because a kid hears you but doesn't internalize what you're saying the first or second or even the third time, it doesn't necessarily mean that that kid is a bad listener or that they don't care. It just might mean that their brain has them hyper focused on something else. That multitasking is not a thing. Multiprocessing is not a thing. That lens helps us have compassion for our kids and for ourselves. What I have started doing, even though it sometimes is annoying to my kids, but like, that's on them, right? We, we've already established that if they're annoyed by me and we can have patience for each other. If I say something to a kid and I'm not sure they heard me or it's just like the quickest immediate, like mumbled, okay, I'll wait a beat and then I'll be like, hey, just making sure you heard me. Can you say what I just said back to me? And sometimes they do and I'm like, great, thanks. And I leave. Sometimes their response is actually, I don't know what you said. So I will ask for their eyes and like, look at me. And then I'll repeat the thing and then I'll say, okay, what did I just say? Some kids and their brains, they need to be pulled from where they are in order to process what you say. The important thing that I have to remember in this practice too is that if a kid didn't catch what I said the first time, and they're like, I don't even know. I don't know what she said. I'm not gonna get angry or more annoyed at them for that. In fact, I expected that they didn't process whatever I said the first time. That's why I followed up in the first place. So that slight adjustment in expectations, it. It really does make a big difference. And let's be real. Sometimes kids don't listen or you have to repeat something because they're, like, tiny, and they're just in their own world. They don't know why you're saying something. They don't see the reason or the purpose behind it. They're not reasonable. And occasionally that can lead to potential annoyance. I definitely get annoyed that I have to tell my kids the same things every day. Things like put away your lunchbox or your backpack or put your dirty clothes in the hamper or take your dishes to the kitchen or take a shower or turn off the light. Like, it is comical how often I have to tell my children to do the same things over and over again. The fact that these kids are still surprised that they have to brush their teeth. The nerve of us to require it of them twice a day, you know? So that can definitely be annoying. But even in the repeating, some kids are wired toward habits and others are not. Some kids prefer comfort over discipline. That could be true of a lot of us listening, and that tracks too. I just think all this is more normal than we realize. So maybe expecting repetition as part of parenting, it doesn't take away the annoyance, but it might ease it just a little bit. Okay, two more. It's easy to get annoyed when kids don't follow directions or they do things the way we expect them to. They. They're just, like. Not. Like, if you ask a kid to clean their room and they say they're done, and then you walk in and the room, like, weirdly looks the same as when you left it. Like, that's a whole thing. Or, for example, today I asked one of my kids to load the dishwasher, since there were, like, a lot of dishes in the dirty dishes zone, and that kid only loaded their dishes like nobody else's dishes. That is not what I expected. I did not expect that to be how the task was handled. And it was legit annoying, because then it led to repeating the request and then to the kid complaining that they had to come back and do it. It was like a triple whammy of Annoyance. But again, I can choose to stay calm and, like, breathe through that interaction. You know, I can be firm and kind and say, like, I did, and be like, hey, thank you for putting your dishes away. I did ask, I did mean for you to do all of them. So if you could come back and do that and finish up. Thank you. Like, done deal. Now, if a kid refuses to do something or claims constitutional violations, which tends to happen when your opinionated child starts taking civics, uh, this is your warning, everybody. Sometimes I do have to be firm and kind and lay down the law and have to be like, I know you don't want to do this. I know you don't. But in this situation, I am your mom, and I am in charge. You will do this thing eventually. So it's just a matter of how you're going to do it or how long it's going to take. If there's something that you need to get it done that I'm missing, then you let me know. And real talk, even when I respond like this to my kids, like, all, I'm kind and I'm firm and I'm in charge as Dr. Dr. Becky tells me to be. They're like, why are you being so nice? What's your deal? Like, I have had one of my children say that to me before. Like, why are you being angrily at me? Why are you being so nice? What's the problem? So sometimes you're going to be the annoying one no matter what. No matter what you do. Okay, that's just a good reminder for all of us, I think. And then the final scenario I want to touch on is when a kid is annoying you on purpose. Sometimes it's playful, and other times it's got an undertone. You know, Dr. Becky might say that a kid with an undertone who's trying to push your buttons is actually trying to find their boundaries or find your limits as a parent or is asking for something else that they don't know how to ask for, which is like, breaking code sometimes. Like, parenting is being a very tired code breaker. This is a place where you might have an expectation that you are not going to lower so much. Right. Certain homes have certain standards or expectations of behavior, and I think that's good. I'm not actually going to speak to any of that because that feels deeply personal. Okay. How. Whatever your standards of behavior are, how you handle that, that's. That's up to you. But my two thoughts with this. This scenario are, first, we can have behavioral expectations for our kids. Without shaming them when they don't meet those expectations. We don't meet expectations all the time either. And shame is not a fun tactic to experience. So no matter what your standards are or how you deal with the annoyance of a kid who is willfully trying to get under your skin, I believe it's possible to parent that without shaming the kid, without making them feel small, and without making them out as the the person who is the problem. Right. The second thought here is that dealing with a willfully annoying kid, it takes a lot of energy. And I find it really comforting that the other six scenarios that we just went through are like, reasonably manageable, leaving more margin to deal with. Scenario number seven. If you are constantly managing noise and mess and repetition and high expectations around your kids all the time, and you're like hyper aware of that, you will absolutely have a come apart when a kid does something to bug you or goad you on purpose because you've got nothing left. Your reserves were wiped out with being annoyed that they were loud. Now, I understand that we all have different tolerance levels for sound and stimulation, even on certain days. There's a lot of factors here, right, that's very, very important to name. But I think instead of trying to like white knuckle your way through it and then like breaking apart, add a kid later. Instead of doing that, actively find ways or simply a way, one way to create some distance from or regulation around the stimulation. Adjust your expectations, create margin where you can in the places that you can. And then when the really hard stuff shows up, you have a bit more bandwidth. It might feel like an uphill climb. And in certain seasons of parenting it most certainly is. But hopefully remembering that parents are also annoying, that we're the ones who are annoyed by our kids and it's not, it's not really their fault. And that annoyance is all about our expectations. It can soften the edges. And then maybe, I think, I think certainly over time we all have clearer eyes to see those specific scenarios we just went through where we can adjust and we just don't feel as annoyed by as many things as we used to. And that's how to parent when your kid is annoying. Okay, a quick reminder. The lazy latest lazy letter, which is a fun tongue twister. It goes out on the first Wednesday of the month and it is where I am. I am the most personal, some say the most funny and the most obsessed with books, certainly, because that's where I share all my book reviews. But if you're a listener who's never signed up for the newsletter or you're a new listener. Maybe this is like one of the first episodes you've ever heard and you're like, I would like more of this more even personal stuff than this, please. You will likely very much enjoy the latest Lazy Letter. It goes out once a month. It is a monthly long form newsletter. It is not a parenting newsletter by any means. It's really more about like how I'm processing my own life and that sometimes does involve my family. But people without kids read it and love it, so have no fear about that. But this is just a quick reminder to sign up, give it a try, and if you're not into it, just unsubscribe. Like no biggie. So you can join@the lazygeniuscollective.com join all right, before we go, let's celebrate the Lazy Genius of the Week. This week it's Holly Burnside. Holly writes, my son has ADHD and easily forgets vital information, even though he tries really hard. Same Holly. I was concerned with him remembering which days he would be a car rider and which days he would be a bus rider. So I put a luggage tag on his book bag with slips of paper that say car rider and bus. Every day before he leaves for school. I make sure it's on the correct mode of transportation for that day. I'm so proud and quite relieved that that my son has done an awesome job checking his tag as he packs up to leave school and he has gone to the correct place every single day. It has removed all the stress out of the situation for me and has helped my son feel confident where he shows up each afternoon. This is honestly so sweet. So many of us have kids with ADHD and the compassion that we can extend to them by understanding their limitations and giving them tools to help them and encouraging them in those efforts. This is seriously what parenting is about. We're coming alongside our kids to help them be more of who they truly are without shaming them for it. And this is a beautiful example of that. Not to mention, like super practical. So thank you for sharing, Holly, and congratulations on being the Lazy Genius of the Week. This podcast is part of the Odyssey Family and the Office Ladies Network. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, an executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fisher, and Angela Kinsey. Special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production. Thanks y'all for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra and I'LL see you next week. I'm Joyn Robinson, host of the new podcast the Women's Hoop Show. Each episode, I'll be joined by a rotating group of women's basketball experts to talk wnba, college hoops, the new unrivaled.
