Advertiser 2 (6:24)

Crazy.

Kendra Adachi (6:25)

And I observe that in her all the time. She is just unmoved when anyone around her is in a bad mood. She's upright and totally herself. And she moves toward those people, especially if she knows and loves them. But she's not, like, put out by it, at least not visibly. She chooses to be steady and calm and kind no matter what. That's the kind of person I want to be when I am confronted with someone else's bad mood. So that is, number one, it starts with you and me. All right? Number two, stress needs a way out. Stress needs a way out. One of the only ways I think that we can stay calm when confronted with someone else's bad mood, especially at kids, is to recognize that this mess is stressful. Like, all day long, we are racking up stress. We are holding it in our bodies, even if we don't know what's happening and it builds up. Suddenly we have, like, a stress clog and things start exploding. It's mildly gross, but like a necessary part of this metaphor, y' all, stress needs a way out. You will not be equipped to handle bad moods if you are holding unreleased stress. You will not be equipped to calmly help your two precious children who are arguing about which Rocket League car is the best one, which is low key, absurd. You're not going to be able to help them stop yelling at each other if you are holding unreleased stress, because it will release right there in their faces. Now, can we avoid those explosions every single time? No, I don't think that's a fair goal to set. People are people we're gonna mess up, we're gonna hurt each other, and we're gonna yell when we don't want to or mean to. And while that's not an excuse, I think we have to focus on the repair rather than on the resistance that it will never happen at all. You know, we all know it's going to. It's absolutely going to happen. We're going to lose our temper sometimes, but it will likely happen far less when we are consistently releasing stress. Now, how does one do this? I've talked about this book before, but the book Burnout by the Nagoski sisters is excellent. If stress management is a new concept for you, their list of things to do to release stress is number one. To move your body. That's like the top one. You sweat, you breathe hard, you just move. I've said this before too. It's kind of a bummer. It's kind of a bummer. That movement is so tied to diet culture for a lot of you listening. But man, oh man, we are not going to let diet culture steal our best source of stress management. So lift some weights, dance around your living room, go for a run, jump on the trampoline with your kids. If you are brave enough or young enough to not pee your pants when you do it, just move. Other ways to release stress that definitely needs a way out are to breathe, to laugh, to be hugged by someone tightly, to play, and to be creative. Whatever you choose, that stress needs a way out every single day, if not multiple times. Please do this. It will feel possibly like a series of unnecessary drops in the bucket that we are lazy geniuses and lazy geniuses start small. Not only do we start small, we value small, right? Small daily acts of stress release every single day will help us lower the chances of our own bad moods and will help us handle the bad moods of other people.

Advertiser 2 (10:02)

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Advertiser 1 (11:43)

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Advertiser 3 (12:18)

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Kendra Adachi (13:22)

Speaking of other people, another part of this stress needing a way out is that stress needs a way out for your people too. This is why so many of our kids come home from school stressed out. They haven't moved, especially if they're older, because, like, there's no recess. They probably haven't been hugged or looked in the eye and told kind things. They probably haven't laughed a ton or have had great opportunities for creativity. They've been listening to a teacher. They've been looking at a laptop and trying to get through the stress that is going to school with grades and assignments and not understanding things and being emotionally or physically overstimulated. Or maybe they saw a fight happen at school, or they had a friend give them the silent treatment at lunch, or they got a D on a test that they thought they were ready for. The whole day is full of stressful things, even when it's ordinary, with very little opportunity to release that stress. They need to run and scream and laugh loud and dance around and get a bear hug and none of that is going to happen at school. So they come home and they're human shells, sometimes mean ones. It's because their stress needs a way out too. So no matter what season you're in, remember that everyone needs outlets for their stress. It builds up every single day and it needs a way out. And even if you don't have something regular or your kids don't have something regular, you can start small by taking a deep breath. When you're going into a bad mood situation, just take a deep breath or two before saying anything. Encourage everyone to do that. Maybe if other people are involved and calm some nervous systems before working it out. All right, number three. Number three is kindness is hard. Kindness is hard. Handling bad moods is most effective when the people involved are kind to each other. And I'm just here to remind us all that kindness is hard. How many times have I yelled at one of my kids. Be kinder to your brother. But I'm not saying that in a kind way at all. You know why? Because kindness is hard when we're not paying attention to it, when we're trying to manufacture it from within ourselves, which I don't even think is fully possible. And when we forget that bad moods start with us, we will forget that the kindness we are expecting and even requiring from others is something that we are struggling with just as much. Kindness is hard. It's valuable and beautiful and worth it. But we need to remember that it is difficult. It's not always the natural response. In fact, I don't know that it ever is for me. I've shared this perspective on my Christian faith before. But in my experience, there is a reason that one of the results, one of the fruits of having the Holy Spirit living in me is kindness, supernatural kindness. It is not mine. On my own, I am so mean. I am so mean. My default is definitely not kind. I am judgmental. I'm quick to be angry, and I require way more of other people than I am willing to give. That is why I am glad I can go somewhere bigger than me for the kindness. Now, you don't have to do that or believe that. That no matter who you are or what you believe. I think there's a general agreement that kindness as a baseline 100% of the time, especially when other people's bad moods are involved, is downright impossible. It takes a lot of effort or praying or breathing or whatever you pull from to be a deep well of kindness, to have a deep well that you can rely on. So if you are holding your kids or your partner or a stranger at the library to a higher standard of kindness than you're extending to them in that moment, Take that as a reminder that kindness is hard for everyone involved. Weirdly enough, just that reminder can make us kinder. It makes us softer towards other people, which rarely goes to waste. Kindness and softness towards others, I would say, never goes to waste. They might not notice it, but it's changing you, and that matters. So number three, kindness is hard. Number four, the basics help. I think a lot of bad moods come down to unmet basic needs. Somebody's hungry, thirsty, uncomfortable, or disconnected. I mean, yeah, sometimes we're just selfish and we're taking it out on other people. But it's astonishing how many bad moods lose their edge when everyone's basic needs are met. Recognizing this one also helps us experience more patience with kids who are ornery or melting down. Oh, wait, they Skipped their afternoon snack and they're having a come apart. Oh, wait, this kid hasn't had a hug all day. Oh, wait, this friend has been working hard all day long in an uncomfortable pair of shoes. And. And Super Dupe needs permission to take them off. Oh, wait, I haven't had any water today. Even when it's time to handle the clashing of bad moods, do you know how often I will start the conversation with someone like, hey, I'm going to make a smoothie while we talk about this? Anybody else want a smoothie? They always say, yes. And we've already changed the calculus of the moods. Basics help. Give a grumpy kid a squeeze, an apple, an icy cup of lemonade, or a clean shirt. It is wild how those things will help a bad mood. Number five, Change the scenery. Sometimes our bad moods are because we've been in the same spot for a while. Sometimes we struggle to handle clashing bad moods because we're talking about arguing about something in the same room where the bad mood explosion happened. So changing the scenery is really helpful, especially when working with someone else or even yourself. When you're trying to move from a bad mood to a more neutral or even good mood. Sometimes you need to change the scenery to help change the mood. Sometimes you might even have to force it. Force that change of scenery. Like, you know, hey, let's, let's go talk about this outside. We'll throw the football while we talk about it. You know, like, we have to do that. My boys will sometimes whine about this if I force a change of scenery, but I'll force it anyway. And I'm like, no, let's go outside. It'll be good to get out of this room for a minute, you know? Or maybe bad moods are coming because you have all just been in the same place for a long time and you legit need a change of scenery. You know, cabin fever. Get everybody out of the house for a minute. Sit on your stoop, walk to a park, drive to a Sonic on the other side of town so it takes longer and get happy hour slushies. Just change the scenery. Other ways this might work. You can play music. You can try Breezy Instrumental, which is a playlist I made on Spotify that works wonders for moods for everyone, from, like, grumpy preschoolers to classrooms of college students. I. I get messages all the time about how and where people are using this playlist to make everybody suddenly feel better. Breezy instrumental, everyone. So you can change the music, or maybe you can notice if There has been music and noise all day, and maybe the change in scenery needs to come in the form of quiet. You know, if you have people around you who are easily overstimulated, change the scenery and limit some of that stimulation. Just notice where you are and what could use a change in this moment to help bring a mood down. One final version of this is distraction or redirection. You can change the scenery of the argument or of the expanding bad mood by quickly going up to a kid who's, like, stewing in his room. And you can say something like, hey, I'm gonna place a grocery order in a minute. Will you go out to the garage and see if we need to restock any milk or yogurt? And since that kid is the one who loves milk and yogurt, he always goes, I don't know how many times I've used this trick. Just get him out of his stewing. Change his scenery, even for a minute. Trick the person into doing something helpful. And that little shift, it takes the edge off the bad mood. Change the scenery. Okay, number six, Be nostalgic. If you're in a bad mood, especially as it relates to another person, be nostalgic about that relationship. If your kid is getting on your nerves, open your photo app and look at old photos that make you smile of that kid. If your partner is getting on your nerves and you're still speaking to each other, say something like, hey, you remember that time we played mini golf in the rain? Remembering good times with our people, it can take the edge off. I also think that looking at old photos of our kids with them, with the kids, it takes away their bad moods in, like, a weirdly fast way. This is why we keep one of those digital frames that changes photos. We keep that thing going all the time. It's in the living room. It's always within eyesight of anybody in the main part of the house. And it's like a magic pill of happiness. If somebody's cranky, I can literally point to the frame and go like, oh, my gosh, look at Ben's tiny face. And everyone will look. And then they'll all keep looking at the photos for a few minutes, get kind of fuzzy again, and all is well. So watch old videos, look through old photos, talk about old memories. Nostalgia is a sneaky little secret to helping us all handle bad moods. And finally, number seven, we're all practicing. Please remember that we are all practicing. We are all learning how to be a person in this world, how to be in relationship with other people and not fall apart. We're practicing patience and kindness and forgiveness. I said this in episode 409, how to parent when your kid is annoying that so often we're annoyed at our kids or at our partners for just enjoying themselves. They're doing something that makes them happy, that maybe it's louder or messier or just not what we expected to happen that day. And so we have to practice letting them. I have to practice letting the men in my family play their instruments very loudly. That is both my boys and my husband. I have to practice letting things go and breathing before I walk into a room where kids are arguing and not letting someone else's bad mood impact My pretty good one. We are all practicing and when you remember that, I think it just brings out compassion. It makes us behave in the way that we really want to. We want more compassion in our lives and our homes and our relationships. So we're all practicing. To recap, here are the seven things to remember when handling bad moods. It starts with you. Stress needs a way out for you and your people. Kindness is hard. The basics help change the scenery. Be nostalgic, and remember that we're all practicing and that's how to handle bad moods. All right, before we go, let's celebrate the Lazy Genius of the Week. This week it is Diana Shock. Diana writes one decide once that I started long ago is the oldest gets to always sit in the front. Let me tell you, that is written in all caps. Let me tell you, this is a lifesaver. It stopped the fights. They just know that's the expectation. I have four kids and they each over the years have had their time in the front seat. I kind of love this because like not all four kids are always gonna ride in the car at the same time either. So it's just whoever is the oldest around gets the front seat. I can see how in a family that drives a lot and has this argument a lot, this single choice and really a single choice of any kind, whether it's like the oldest rides in the front or something else, those kinds of things are wildly, wildly helpful. Anytime we can make fewer decisions, the better. So thank you for sharing, Diane, and congratulations on being the Lazy Genius of the Week. This podcast is part of the Odyssey Family and the Office Ladies Network. This episode is hosted by me, Kendra Adachi, an executive produced by Kendra Adachi, Jenna Fisher and Angela Kinsey. Special thanks to Leah Jarvis for weekly production. Thanks y' all for listening. And until next time, be a genius about the things that matter and lazy about the things that don't. I'm Kendra, and I'll see you next week, Sam.