In this episode of The Learning and Performance Podcast, I speak with the late Cathan Kabrelian, a leading expert in compassionate communication. Cathan was a trainer, speaker, retreat leader, and mentor, known for integrating compassionate communication into a wide range of fields, from education to corporate environments. Through her work as a trauma-informed Needs-Awareness Trainer, Certified Mindfulness Instructor, and Breath Coach, Cathan brought a unique depth to understanding and teaching not only effective communication skills but the self-awareness skills to transform conversations and relationships at work, at home, and in all those third spaces. Together, Cathan and I discussed why compassionate communication matters and how you can use it to live a more self-aware, wonderful, and connected life.

Key Topics

In the conversation, we hit on a number of interesting topics relevant to learning and performance, including:

What is compassionate or non-violent communication, and why is it important
The importance of feelings and needs awareness to life and relationships
The OFNR framework of observation, feelings, needs, requests
How to translate thoughts and judgments into needs
Feelings as a “radar” for detecting what we need
Shifting from blaming others to identifying our own values and needs
Why self-connection is necessary to connect with others
Three ways to navigate challenging feelings
Two ways to practice compassionate communication - formal and real-life
Using compassionate communication at work
And much more...

Learn More About Cathan and NVC

Cathan's website
In Loving Memory
NVC by Marshall Rosenberg
New York Center for NVC
The Compassion Course by Thom Bond and team

Notes,Mentions, and Resources

Identity - not just WHO we are or WHAT we do or believe but HOW we are
Performance - achieving tasks towards a goal with creativity, skill, and compassionate consideration of needs
Learning - understanding something better than we did before
Learning-Performance "Loops" - Learn, Practice, Perform.
Compassionate/Non-Violent Communication (NVC)
Needs awareness
Non-Violent Communication (NVC) by Marshall Rosenberg
OFNR Framework - Observations, Feelings, Needs, Requests
Observations - what we notice about ourselves, others, and the world
Feelings - sensations stimulated by met or unmet needs
Needs - universal life impulses; drivers of actions
Requests/Strategies - ways to meet our needs
Compassion Course Online
The Compassion Book by Thom Bond
NY Center for NVC (NYCNVC)
Effective practice is intentional, focused, aware
Translating Judgments Practice - translating judgments into feelings and needs/values
Shifting from judgment and blaming to connection, curiosity, and compassion
Principle - everything we do we do to meet a need or value
Feelings as "radar" for needs, not something to fear or push away
Applying NVC at work - values and what matters>needs; focusing on individual self-connection leads to more curiosity, compassion, and connection with co-workers
It doesn't take two to change a conversation, only one
Dealing with difficult feelings by connecting to met/unmet needs - (1) notice judgments/resistance/thinking, (2) tune into body sensations, (3) identify what you want/need and embody it, (4) think of a strategy to meet the needs
Feelings and Needs list
Study by Brene Brown on average number of feelings of Americans
Self-connect first to connect with others second
Two types of practice for showing up better - formal and integrative/IRL
Cathan's website - Compassionate Thriving
Types of Judgments - Value judgments, preferences, assessments vs. moralistic judgments
High performance in life = showing up authentically and connecting with others
Mindfulness
Somatic experiencing and breathwork
Compassion vs. empathy

#18 - Cathan Kabrelian on Compassionate Communication with Ourselves and Others