S2 EP7 | Yes, Life Isn’t Fair | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast

Summary

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast

Episode: S2 EP7 | Yes, Life Isn’t Fair
Release Date: January 21, 2025

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Introduction

In Season 2, Episode 7 of The Messy Podcast, titled Yes, Life Isn’t Fair, the hosts delve into Mel Robbins' transformative concept, The Let Them Theory. This episode explores the profound insights from Robbins' work, focusing on the inherent unfairness of life, the detrimental effects of chronic comparison, and strategies to harness the positive aspects of comparison for personal growth.

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Acknowledging Life's Unfairness

The conversation begins with an unflinching acknowledgment of life's inherent unfairness.
Host 1 states, “Yes, life isn't fair” (01:03), setting the tone for a candid discussion.
Host 2 elaborates, “Imagine trying to build a house on, like, shaky ground. It’s not going to be stable” (01:38), emphasizing the necessity of accepting life's unfairness as a foundation for personal development.

Key Points:

• Life presents numerous unfair situations, such as crippling student debt, health disparities, and global conflicts.
• Acceptance of this unfairness is crucial for growth, preventing perpetual disappointment and stagnation.

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The Dual Nature of Comparison

The hosts explore how comparison can be both harmful and beneficial, categorizing it into two distinct types.

Toxic Comparison

Host 1 discusses the paralyzing effect of focusing on others' successes:
“Focusing on other people's successes can actually paralyze us” (01:59).
Host 2 adds, “We end up like sabotaging our own progress” (02:16), highlighting how envy can undermine self-esteem and personal achievements.

Illustrative Story: The narrative of Sawyer and Kendall exemplifies toxic comparison.
Host 2 explains, “Sawyer gets fixated on all of Kendall's advantages. It just leads to self-doubt and frustration” (03:12), showcasing the emotional toll of upward comparison.

Beneficial Comparison

Conversely, the hosts introduce the concept of downward comparison, which fosters gratitude and perspective:
Host 2 mentions, “This type of comparison can be a good way to practice gratitude” (03:42).
Host 1 reinforces, “It’s about shifting our focus from what we're missing to what we already have” (06:37).

Key Points:

• Upward Comparison: Leads to feelings of inadequacy by comparing oneself to those perceived as better off.
• Downward Comparison: Encourages appreciation by recognizing one’s own privileges and strengths.

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The Let Them Philosophy

Central to the episode is The Let Them Theory, which advocates transforming envy into inspiration.

Host 2 describes it as, “letting other people's successes motivate us instead of making us feel bad” (05:32).
Host 1 summarizes, “It's like turning that feeling of envy into inspiration” (05:46).

Key Insights:

• Viewing others' achievements as learning opportunities rather than threats.
• Embracing a collaborative mindset, akin to playing cards with others rather than against them (06:20).

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Practical Strategies to Overcome Chronic Comparison

The hosts outline actionable steps to minimize the negative impact of comparison and leverage its positive potential.

1. Recognizing and Accepting Differences

Host 2 emphasizes, “let them” involves accepting what we cannot change about ourselves or others (07:50).
Host 1 adds, “It’s like saying, okay, that's their life. Good for them” (08:05).

Techniques:

• Acknowledge feelings of jealousy without judgment.
• Separate others' successes from personal worth.

2. Shifting Focus to Personal Strengths

Host 1 suggests, “making a list of your strengths, skills, and accomplishments” (10:56).
Host 2 concurs, “create our own definition of success” (11:27).

Techniques:

• Identify and document personal talents and achievements.
• Set meaningful, value-driven goals independent of others' benchmarks.

3. Mindfulness and Self-Compassion

Host 2 states, “we can try to just observe [negative feelings] without judging ourselves” (12:15).
Host 1 encourages, “quieting that inner critic and replacing it with a voice of encouragement” (12:42).

Techniques:

• Practice mindfulness to become aware of and manage negative thoughts.
• Cultivate self-kindness, treating oneself with the same compassion offered to friends.

4. Setting Healthy Social Media Boundaries

Host 2 advises, “limit your screen time or be pickier about who you follow” (14:28).
Host 1 refers to this as, “a mental detox” (14:42).

Techniques:

• Restrict the time spent on social media platforms.
• Curate social media feeds to include uplifting and supportive content.

5. Practicing Gratitude and Positive Perspective

Host 2 recommends, “practice gratitude” when caught in comparison spirals (15:07).
Host 1 agrees, “focus on the abundance we already have” (16:00).

Techniques:

• Regularly list things you are grateful for.
• Reframe comparisons by focusing on personal blessings and achievements.

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Conclusion

The episode culminates in a powerful affirmation that comparison is a conscious choice.
Host 1 concludes, “comparison is a choice. We could let it torture us, or we can let it teach us” (17:00).
Host 2 reinforces, “you're the one writing your story, and you have the power to create a life that is both meaningful and fulfilling” (17:43).

Final Takeaways:

• Embrace The Let Them Theory by transforming envy into motivation.
• Implement practical strategies to reduce harmful comparisons and enhance personal growth.
• Focus on self-acceptance, gratitude, and mindful living to foster a fulfilling and authentic life.

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This episode of The Messy Podcast offers a comprehensive exploration of how to navigate life's inherent unfairness and the pervasive habit of comparison. By embracing Mel Robbins' Let Them Theory, listeners are equipped with strategies to turn potential sources of negativity into catalysts for personal empowerment and growth.

Transcript

[Host 1]

Welcome to the Messy Podcast, where we dig into life's messy problems. Don't forget to check out themessepodcast.com you can become a member there and helps keep the show going. And you can also explore tons of deep dives that we've done, covering popular books, Netflix series, even really cool biographies. And for those of you who've been with us before, get ready because we're jumping into season two, you and the Let Them theory with episode seven, Overcoming Chronic Comparison. Here's a quick word from our sponsor. Stay with us.

[Host 2]

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[Host 1]

And we're back.

[Host 2]

Thanks for sticking around.

[Host 1]

Yes, life isn't fair.

[Host 2]

Yeah. And today we're going to be tackling that feeling we all have of, you know, not feeling good enough when we see what other people are doing. We're using the book. Yes, Life Isn't Fair to kind of help us understand how comparing ourselves can be, like, a torture and also be a really good teacher.

[Host 1]

Yeah. This book, it doesn't mess around, just comes right out and says life is unfair. It doesn't just. It, like, throws all these examples, you know, crippling student debt, that friend who eats whatever they want and never gains a pound. War is going on around the world. It's a serious reality check. Kind of unsettling, isn't it?

[Host 2]

It is. And that's exactly why accepting this unfairness is so important. It's not about, you know, being negative, but it's acknowledging this as a starting point for growth. Imagine trying to build a house on, like, shaky ground. It's not going to be stable. And it's the same with trying to grow as a person. If we're always fighting this basic truth, we're just setting ourselves up to be disappointed.

[Host 1]

And this is where it gets really interesting. The book says that, like, focusing on other people's successes can actually paralyze us. Have you ever felt stuck, hopeless? Like you're always behind? Like, we're trapped in this loop of comparing ourselves and it just makes us feel worse and stops us from moving forward? I know. I've been there for sure.

[Host 2]

What's really crazy is that this focus on Things not being fair can actually become like a self fulfilling prophecy. We get so caught up in what we don't have compared to others that we end up like sabotaging our own progress. It's like we're giving away our power to these comparisons.

[Host 1]

Then the book throws in another twist saying there are two kinds of comparison. The one that tortures us and the one that can actually teach us something. How can we even tell the difference?

[Host 2]

The book talks about fixed attributes. These are the things we can't change about ourselves or our situations. For example, someone else's natural beauty, their family background, how tall they are, stuff like that. Focusing on these things can make you feel hopeless and just bummed out.

[Host 1]

Yeah, it's like comparing yourself to someone who won the genetic lottery. You might envy their effortless grace or how athletic they are, but it just leads to self doubt and frustration. And the book even has this story about two friends, Sawyer and Kendall, who get caught in this comparison trap.

[Host 2]

Exactly. The story of Sawyer and Kendall really shows us the dangers of what we call a upward comparison. Sawyer gets fixated on all of Kendall's advantages. Her body type, her metabolism, her natural talents. And you can really feel how much it hurts her emotionally. It's a perfect example of how upward comparison can just destroy your self esteem.

[Host 1]

It's so easy to get sucked into comparing ourselves to those who seem to have it all figured out. But the book reminds us that there's another side to this downward comparison. Though it's not as common, this is an interesting idea.

[Host 2]

Downward comparison is all about perspective. The book uses a powerful example. This statistic that one in four people don't have access to clean drinking water to kind of shock us into realizing how much we actually have. This type of comparison, even though we don't always think about it, can be a good way to practice gratitude and appreciate what we do have.

[Host 1]

Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.

[Host 2]

See you in a sec.

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[Host 1]

Details thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off. So we've talked about the comparisons that bring us down, but what about the kind that can actually lift us up? How can comparing ourselves to others be a positive thing?

[Host 2]

This is where things get exciting. The book argues that watching other people can actually teach us valuable lessons and inspire us. It's all about what the author calls the let them philosophy.

[Host 1]

Let them tell me more about that.

[Host 2]

It's about letting other people's successes motivate us instead of making us feel bad. Imagine you see someone achieve something you admire. Instead of feeling jealous, you think, wow, that's amazing. What can I learn from them? It's a whole new way of thinking that can be super powerful.

[Host 1]

So it's like turning that feeling of envy into inspiration. Almost like finding a mentor in someone you might have seen as competition before. I can see how that would be life changing.

[Host 2]

Absolutely. And the book gives some great examples of how seeing what others have accomplished can give us new ideas and strategies for our own lives. It's about realizing we're all playing this game of life and there's always something to learn from the people around us.

[Host 1]

Speaking of games, the book uses a card game analogy to make this point. Right? It's saying that we're not playing against each other, but more like with each other.

[Host 2]

Yeah, it's a great analogy because it shows that we all have our own unique hand to play. The book encourages us to stop being jealous of other people's cards and start focusing on how to use the ones we have. Our strengths, our skills, our opportunities. Those are the keys to winning in life, according to the book.

[Host 1]

So it's about shifting our focus from what we're missing to what we already have. Instead of dwelling on what we don't have, we start playing the hands we've been dealt with purpose and confidence. That's a really strong image.

[Host 2]

That's where the real change happens. The book emphasizes that you can't be Happy and love yourself if you're always criticizing yourself. It's a call to embrace our unique potential and allow ourselves to truly thrive.

[Host 1]

I'm ready to dig deeper into how to actually use these insights in our own lives. We've uncovered these two sides of comparison, the bad and the good. And now I want to explore how to harness the positive power of comparison while minimizing the negative.

[Host 2]

Let's do it. In the next part of our Deep Dive, we'll explore some practical strategies for overcoming chronic comparison and using the power of the let them philosophy to unlock your full potential. Coerce. Stay tuned. Welcome back to the Deep Dive. Before we before the break, we were talking about how comparison can be both a pain and a helpful tool for growth. Now let's explore how to actually use this knowledge in our lives.

[Host 1]

That's what I'm really curious about. You know, it's easy to understand these ideas, but using them in real life when you're actually struggling is way harder. Right?

[Host 2]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

So how do we actually fight that sneaky comparison that pops into our heads all the time?

[Host 2]

One of the most powerful things the book talks about is this idea of let them. It's like consciously recognizing and accepting the things we can't change about ourselves or other people. Instead of getting stuck in that cycle of envy and self doubt, we just let those differences be.

[Host 1]

It's almost like saying, okay, that's their life. Good for them. It doesn't make me any less worthy or capable. But how do we actually do that? It sounds a lot easier said than done.

[Host 2]

It definitely takes practice. The goal isn't to stop caring about other people's successes, but to change how we see them. Instead of feeling threatened, we can choose to see them as inspiration or even a chance to learn.

[Host 1]

So let's say you're scrolling through social media and you see something that makes you feel that familiar twinge of comparison. Maybe it's a friend showing off their vacation or a coworker celebrating a promotion. How do you actually use this let them idea?

[Host 2]

Right, then first just notice the feeling. Don't try to ignore it or pretend it's not there. Just say to yourself, okay, I'm feeling jealous right now, and that's fine. Then remind yourself that this person's achievements don't take away from your own. They have their journey, you have yours.

[Host 1]

That makes sense. It's like remembering we're all running our own races. Someone else might be ahead, but that doesn't mean you're not making progress on your own track. But isn't there a risk of becoming complacent if we just let them be?

[Host 2]

That's a really good point. This is where the teacher part of comparison comes in. Instead of letting that envy eat away at us, we can shift our focus to what we can learn from this person. What did they do to get where they are? Are there any strategies or ways of thinking we can use to improve our own journey?

[Host 1]

It's like turning that little bit of envy into. Into motivation. Like finding a mentor in someone you might have seen as competition before. I really like that.

[Host 2]

Exactly. And it's important to remember that what we see on social media is usually just the good stuff. We're not seeing the struggles, the setbacks, the doubts that everyone has, no matter how successful they seem.

[Host 1]

That's so true. Let's take a quick breather for a message from our sponsor.

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[Host 1]

That was quick. Now back to the conversation. It's easy to compare our everyday lives to someone's perfect online Persona. We forget that everyone has their own challenges and that comparing ourselves to others is rarely fair or accurate.

[Host 2]

Absolutely. And that's where the book's idea of playing our own hand comes in. Instead of wasting energy comparing ourselves to others, we can redirect that energy toward our own strengths, pursuing our own passions, and building a life that truly reflects our values.

[Host 1]

Okay, I'm with you on that. Yeah, but how do we actually do that? Are there any specific exercises or techniques the book suggests for focusing on our own cards?

[Host 2]

The book has some great practices. One is to make a list of your strengths, skills, and accomplishments. Doesn't have to be anything huge or amazing. It could be things like being a good listener, being organized, or being good at cooking.

[Host 1]

It's about taking the time to recognize and appreciate the things that make us unique.

[Host 2]

Exactly. Another helpful practice is to set goals that are meaningful to you, regardless of what other people are doing or achieving. These goals should come from your own values and what you want to achieve in life, not from a desire to keep up with or be better than someone else.

[Host 1]

It's about creating our own definition of success instead of letting it be Defined by comparing ourselves to others.

[Host 2]

Exactly. And remember, personal growth isn't about reaching some perfect state. It's about enjoying the process, learning from our mistakes, and constantly trying to become the best versions of ourselves.

[Host 1]

But let's be real. It's hard to stay focused on our own reality when we're always seeing images and stories of other people's seemingly perfect lives. How do we avoid getting caught up in that comparison game, Especially with all the technology around us?

[Host 2]

Being mindful is key. The book really emphasizes the importance of becoming more aware of our thoughts and feelings. When those feelings of envy or inadequacy come up, we can try to just observe them without judging ourselves. We can ask ourselves, why am I feeling this way? Is this comparison actually helping me, or is it just making me feel bad?

[Host 1]

It's about creating space between the thought and our immediate reaction to it. Instead of letting those negative comparisons control how we feel, we can choose to react in a more positive and constructive way.

[Host 2]

Exactly. And remember, comparison often comes from a place of insecurity. So another great way to combat it is to be kind to ourselves. Treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would give a close friend who's struggling can make a big difference.

[Host 1]

It's like quieting that inner critic and replacing it with a voice of encouragement and support.

[Host 2]

Exactly. And overcoming chronic comparison is a journey. There will be days when you feel more vulnerable to those negative thought patterns. The important thing is to keep practicing these strategies, keep reminding yourself of your worth, and stay focused on your own unique path.

[Host 1]

So we've explored these two sides of comparison, the dark side and the brighter side. We've talked about the power of letting go and the importance of playing our own hand in life. But how do we make these ideas really stick? How do we make them part of our everyday lives so that we can finally escape the comparison trap and live a more authentic and fulfilling life?

[Host 2]

That's the big question, isn't it? And it's what we'll be talking about in the final part of our Deep Dive. Stick with us as we explore practical tips for developing self compassion, setting healthy boundaries with social media, and creating a more supportive inner voice.

[Host 1]

Welcome back to the Deep Dive. We've been talking about this whole comparison thing, how it can both hold us back and push us forward. We talked about embracing the let them philosophy and focusing on our strengths. But how do we actually use these ideas in our lives?

[Host 2]

That's the real challenge, right? It's one thing to have those aha moments, but turning them into actual Change? Well, that's a whole other story. The key is to build habits and practices that support a more self compassionate and empowered mindset. You know, it's not a quick fix, it's more like rewiring our brains.

[Host 1]

Where do we even start? It feels like we're always surrounded by messages that make us compare ourselves. Especially with all the social media out there. It's honestly kind of overwhelming.

[Host 2]

You're so right. Social media can be a breeding ground for comparison, especially if we don't pay attention to how we're using it.

[Host 1]

We'll be back in just a moment with more. Stay tuned. Alright, let's get back to it.

[Host 2]

One of the best things we can do is set boundaries with these platforms. Like maybe limit your screen time or be pickier about who you follow. Or even take breaks from social media entirely. It's about regaining control of what we're taking in online.

[Host 1]

It's like giving our minds a break from that constant stream of perfect images that can make us feel inadequate. I like that. A mental detox.

[Host 2]

Exactly. And speaking of detoxing, we need to look at our self talk too. You know that voice in our heads that's always criticizing us? The book talks about the power of being kind to ourselves. Instead of beating ourselves up for our flaws, we can choose to talk to ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we'd give a good friend.

[Host 1]

So like, instead of being our own worst enemy, we become our own biggest supporter. That change in perspective seems really important.

[Host 2]

Absolutely. And this shift in how we talk to ourselves can really affect how we feel. Instead of focusing on what we're missing, we start appreciating our strengths and celebrating our progress. Even the small wins. It's about accepting that we're all constantly growing and changing.

[Host 1]

But what about those times when comparison sneaks in even when we try our best to avoid it? Are there any tricks we can use to deal with those feelings of not being good enough right when they happen?

[Host 2]

The book suggests a few really useful things. One is to practice gratitude. When you find yourself going down that comparison rabbit hole, stop for a minute and think about all the good things in your life. It could be simple things like having a home, a loving family, a good meal. It's about grounding ourselves in the present and appreciating what we already have.

[Host 1]

So instead of focusing on what we lack, we focus on the abundance we already have. That makes a lot of sense.

[Host 2]

Exactly. Being thankful can really change how we feel. It helps us see all the good things we have and reframe those comparisons in a more positive way.

[Host 1]

Another thing the book mentions is changing our perspective. Instead of seeing someone else's success as a threat, we can choose to see it as inspiration. We can ask ourselves, what can I learn from their story? What qualities or skills help them succeed? Are there any strategies I can use in my own life?

[Host 2]

It's about turning envy into curiosity and a desire to learn. Instead of seeing this person as a rival, we start seeing them as a potential mentor.

[Host 1]

It's like realizing that we're all on this journey together and that we can always learn from each other. We're all connected in some way.

[Host 2]

You got it. And at the end of the day, overcoming this constant comparing is about embracing our own unique path. It's about understanding that our worth doesn't come from what other people think or how we measure up against them. It's about truly accepting ourselves and celebrating what makes us special.

[Host 1]

So if there's one big takeaway from this deep dive, it's that comparison is a choice. We could let it torture us, or we can let it teach us. We can get caught up in trying to keep up with everyone else, or we can focus on playing our own hand with confidence and purpose. It's a choice we make every single day.

[Host 2]

And don't forget, life isn't about winning or losing. It's about embracing the journey, learning from our experiences, and becoming the best versions of ourselves one step at a time.

[Host 1]

So as you go through your week, I encourage you to pay attention to those times when you start comparing yourself to others. Notice how it makes you feel, and then consciously choose to see things differently. Remind yourself that you are worthy, you are capable, and you are right where you're supposed to be, on your own unique path.

[Host 2]

And remember that phrase. Let them. Let their success inspire you. Let their experiences teach you, but don't let it define who you are. You're the one writing your story, and you have the power to create a life that is both meaningful and fulfilling, no matter what anyone else is doing.

[Host 1]

And that wraps up this episode of the Deep dive. Yeah, we hope you found this exploration of comparison helpful and empowering. Until next time, keep learning, keep growing, and keep embracing the messy beauty of being human.