S3 EP1 | The Truth No One Told You about Adult Friendship | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast

Episode: S3 EP1 | The Truth No One Told You about Adult Friendship
Release Date: January 23, 2025
Host/Authors: Emily & Sarah, The Messy Podcast

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Introduction

In the premiere episode of Season 3, The Messy Podcast delves into the intricacies of adult friendships through the lens of Mel Robbins' insightful book, The Let Them Theory. Hosts Emily and Sarah explore the challenges of forming and maintaining friendships in adulthood, offering listeners profound insights and practical advice to navigate the often tumultuous terrain of grown-up relationships.

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The Challenges of Adult Friendships

Emily opens the discussion by acknowledging a common struggle many face: transitioning from the naturally structured friendships of school years to the more individualistic friendships of adulthood. As Sarah aptly puts it, "trying to make and keep friends as a grown-up can feel like you're walking through a minefield" (00:42).

The hosts introduce the concept of "The Great Scattering", a term from the source material that describes the sudden dispersion of friends as everyone moves in different life directions—be it careers, families, or personal interests (01:36). This scattering disrupts the once-supportive group dynamic, replacing it with the daunting task of "friendship entrepreneur overnight" (02:09).

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The Three Pillars of Friendship

To understand and strengthen adult friendships, Emily and Sarah outline three foundational pillars highlighted in The Let Them Theory: Proximity, Timing, and Energy.

1. Proximity

   • Definition: Physical closeness and frequent interactions.
   • Discussion: Sarah notes that "you're more likely to connect with someone you see often" (03:32). Emily adds that quality interactions enhance familiarity and trust, referencing a University of Kansas study indicating it takes about 74 hours to become casual friends and over 200 hours to form close friendships (04:08). This highlights how naturally past environments like schools facilitated these interactions, a luxury often missing in adult life.

2. Timing

   • Definition: Being in similar life stages and sharing comparable experiences.
   • Discussion: Without shared life stages, forming deep connections becomes challenging. Emily illustrates this with the scenario of being the only single person among friends who are parents, leading to a disconnect in conversations and shared experiences (05:25). Sarah emphasizes that friendships require more conscious effort when life stages differ (05:49).

3. Energy

   • Definition: The intangible "click" or connection between individuals.
   • Discussion: Energy determines whether relationships flourish or fizzle, and it can shift over time as people evolve. Emily metaphorically describes it as an "invisible force field" that draws people together or pushes them apart (07:34). Sarah explains that maintaining friendships requires recognizing when energy has changed, allowing for natural drifting without personal blame (08:05).

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The Let Them Theory Applied to Friendships

Emily and Sarah explore how The Let Them Theory advocates for a more accepting and detached approach to friendships. Instead of clinging to relationships out of fear of loss or loneliness, the theory encourages:

• Acceptance: Embracing that friendships evolve or end naturally (08:48).
• Mindfulness: Being intentional about nurturing connections that genuinely serve and enrich our lives (10:34).
• Self-Awareness: Understanding our own needs and desires from friendships, leading to more authentic and fulfilling relationships (10:45).

Sarah emphasizes, "We are worthy of love and connection, regardless of our relationship status" (13:06), underscoring the importance of self-worth independent of external validation.

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Insights and Reflections

A pivotal insight from the episode is the notion that letting go can sometimes strengthen friendships. By releasing the pressure to maintain control over relationships, individuals can foster more genuine and lasting connections. Emily compares this to tending a plant—step back to allow natural growth rather than forcing its direction (11:18).

The hosts also address the emotional challenges of this process. They acknowledge that letting go of friendships can be painful, and it's essential to permit oneself to grieve and heal without judgment (13:13). This emotional clearance creates space for new, more compatible relationships to flourish.

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Notable Quotes

• Emily: "Trying to make and keep friends as a grown-up can feel like you're walking through a minefield." (00:54)
• Sarah: "It's like trying to have a conversation in two different languages." (05:49)
• Emily: "You're expected to become this friendship entrepreneur overnight." (02:09)
• Sarah: "You don't have to have it all figured out." (13:53)
• Emily: "Sometimes the most beautiful friendships are the ones that burn bright, but briefly." (09:48)

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Conclusion

As the episode concludes, Emily and Sarah reinforce the central message of The Let Them Theory: embrace the natural ebb and flow of friendships with acceptance and intentionality. They encourage listeners to trust their instincts, prioritize authentic connections, and recognize their inherent worth beyond the number of friendships they hold. The hosts leave their audience with a powerful reminder: "Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves and for our friendships is to just let them be." (14:22)

For those navigating the complexities of adult friendships, this episode offers a compassionate and insightful roadmap to building meaningful, resilient relationships. Tune in to The Messy Podcast for more transformative conversations and wisdom to help unravel the chaos of life’s messy moments.

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Resources

• Visit theMessyPodcast.com for more insights and resources on relationships, books, Netflix series, and biographies.
• Explore The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins for a deeper understanding of the principles discussed.

Transcript

[Emily]

Welcome back to the Messy podcast, everyone. I am so excited to be kicking off season three with you all. And we're diving into something I know a lot of us kind of wrestle with.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Adult friendships.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Emily]

Before we get started, just a quick reminder to Visit [e-mail] you can become a member there to support the show. And you can also explore all sorts of other content we have there, from our takes on the best books and Netflix series to deep dives on thrill fascinating biographies. But today we are getting real personal. Even it's a topic we don't really discuss openly. Even though at some point I think it affects most of us.

[Sarah]

Exactly. Season three is all about your relationships and the let them theory.

[Emily]

Yes.

[Sarah]

So for our first episode back, we are tackling Mastering adult Friendship, the truth no one told you. Because, let's be honest, trying to make and keep friends as a grown up can feel like you're walking through a minefield.

[Emily]

It can. And the source material really dives into why that is. Most of us head into adulthood thinking friendships will just happen like they did back in school.

[Sarah]

But that expectation is where we often go wrong. It's like trying to use a childhood playbook in a whole new game.

[Emily]

I love that analogy. Yeah, it's so true. Think about it. You spend years surrounded by people your own age going through the same stuff.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Emily]

You're practically forced to bond.

[Sarah]

Right.

[Emily]

Shared homework assignments, awkward school dances, whatever drama is unfolding in the cafeteria. It's a total group sport. Then suddenly, bam.

[Sarah]

Yes.

[Emily]

Everyone's launched in different directions.

[Sarah]

It's like someone flipped a switch and friendships become this individual pursuit.

[Emily]

Totally.

[Sarah]

The source material calls this the great scattering, which I think is such a perfect way to capture that sudden change. Your college buddies move to new cities, people start families at different times, careers take off at different paces, that shared structure vanishes and it' replaced by unstructured freedom, which honestly can be both exhilarating and scary.

[Emily]

No kidding. It's like you're expected to become this friendship entrepreneur overnight. Instead of a built in support system, you're suddenly scrambling to build and maintain connections while juggling everyone's crazy schedules.

[Sarah]

Yes.

[Emily]

I mean, have you ever felt this way listener? That fading group chat? The feeling of being left behind?

[Sarah]

Oh, yeah, it's rough. And this feeling is where a lot of the struggle comes from. Because the shift is normal. It's not a personal failing.

[Emily]

Right.

[Sarah]

It's just how friendships naturally change as we move through life.

[Emily]

Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's Pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.

[Sarah]

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[Emily]

Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it.

[Sarah]

But we're never really taught that, are we?

[Emily]

Right. And that's what I find so fascinating in this research, because it doesn't just point out the problem. It highlights these three underlying pillars that determine how strong and lasting any friendship will be.

[Sarah]

Yes.

[Emily]

And understanding these pillars, what gives you a much more realistic and empowering view of adult friendships as a whole.

[Sarah]

It helps us recognize that we have more control than we realize and that some of those struggles might come from trying to force connections that aren't meant to be.

[Emily]

Okay, so let's get into these pillars. What are we working with here?

[Sarah]

So the first pillar is proximity, or how physically close you are to someone. It's intuitive, right? You're more likely to connect with someone you see often.

[Emily]

Sure.

[Sarah]

Whether that's a neighbor you always bump into at the coffee shop or a colleague you grab lunch with. Those repeated interactions build familiarity and trust.

[Emily]

Makes total sense. It's like those frequent flyer miles. The more you interact, the more opportunities you have to find common ground, share experiences, and ultimately build that friendship. But thinking about the source material here, is it just quantity, or is there something about the quality of those interactions, too?

[Sarah]

You're spot on. The source actually cites a study from the University of Kansas. Researchers found that it takes roughly 74 hours to become casual friends with someone.

[Emily]

Wow.

[Sarah]

And over 200 to become close. Now, imagine your high school or college days. You were racking up those hours effortlessly.

[Emily]

Totally between classes, extracurriculars, just hanging out. We practically lived in each other's pockets.

[Sarah]

Exactly.

[Emily]

No wonder those friendships felt so intense, so formative. But then you enter the workforce, and sudden you're spending most of your waking hours with colleagues. The source material claims we actually spend more time with our coworkers than family and friends combined between ages 21 and 60.

[Sarah]

It's a startling fact, isn't it?

[Emily]

It is.

[Sarah]

And those colleagues are often at completely different life stages.

[Emily]

Right.

[Sarah]

You might get along great with your co workers, but how often did those relationships actually extend beyond the office walls?

[Emily]

I mean, for me personally, hardly ever. Yeah, it's like the light bulb went off when I read that in the research, Suddenly the struggles of adult friendships make so much sense. Yeah, it's not just me being bad at it. It's this broader shift in our lives where we're spending huge chunks of time with people we might not naturally connect with on a deeper level.

[Sarah]

Exactly. And that brings us to the second pillar. Timing.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Sarah]

It's not enough to just be near someone. You also need to be in a similar stage of life to truly resonate with their experiences.

[Emily]

So even if you're clocking in those 200 plus hours, if you're not on the same wavelength, it's not going to automatically translate into a deep friendship. Like, imagine being the only single person in an office full of parents. You're constantly surrounded by baby talk and weekend plans that just don't apply to your life.

[Sarah]

It's like trying to have a conversation in two different languages. You might exchange pleasantries, but building a genuine connection is another story entirely. Yeah, this doesn't mean you can't be friends with people in different stages of life, of course, but it does explain why those friendships often require more conscious effort.

[Emily]

It's about recognizing that those shared experiences, the ones that come naturally when you're in sync with someone's life stage, they're just not going to be there in the same way. Okay, here's a quick word from our sponsor. Stay with us.

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[Emily]

And we're back.

[Sarah]

Thanks for sticking around.

[Emily]

Okay, so we've got proximity and timing. What's the third piece of this friendship puzzle?

[Sarah]

This one is a bit harder to define, but just as important.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Sarah]

Energy. It's that intangible click, that feeling of connection you either have with someone or you don't. Sometimes you can spend tons of time with someone, have loads in common, but the energy just isn't there.

[Emily]

It's like that invisible force field. Either it draws you in or you find yourself wanting to keep your distance. And the Source makes an interesting point here. This energy can actually shift over time, even in long term friendships.

[Sarah]

It can.

[Emily]

People grow and change, and sometimes those changes lead to a natural drifting apart. This isn't necessarily bad. It's just part of life.

[Sarah]

Right. It simply reflects that we're all on unique journeys and holding onto friendships that no longer serve us can actually be more harmful than letting them go.

[Emily]

And the Source specifically calls out the term best friend, doesn't it? It argues that this label can be damaging because it sets up this expectation of permanence that just doesn't align with the natural ebb and flow of relationships.

[Sarah]

It's a thought provoking point. Right. It's almost like we're clinging to this idea of static, unchanging relationships when the reality is much more fluid and dynamic. It definitely makes you rethink things, doesn't it? And that's where the let them theory comes in. This isn't about giving up on people altogether. It's about approaching friendships with more acceptance, even detachment, so we can better recognize what's actually serving us.

[Emily]

So instead of panicking when a friendship feels distant, you know, friends firing off those are we even friends anymore? Tik texts.

[Sarah]

Right.

[Emily]

We take a step back, we breathe, and we try to figure out what's really happening.

[Sarah]

Because often those shifts in a friendship aren't personal attacks or signs that we've done something wrong. It could just be that our lives have taken different paths. Or maybe our needs from our friendships have changed.

[Emily]

And I think that's a huge point the Source makes. Those feelings of rejection we get when a friendship changes.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Emily]

It's easy to internalize that.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Emily]

But sometimes it's really just a matter of acknowledging that people grow, situations change. And that's not a bad thing.

[Sarah]

It's just life happening. And I think that's what let them theory is all about. Releasing that need to control how our relationships turn out.

[Emily]

So it's accepting that some friendships might last a season while others will be with us for a lifetime. And that both of those are okay.

[Sarah]

Exactly. Sometimes the most beautiful friendships are the ones that burn bright, but briefly.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Sarah]

Leaving us with these really special memories.

[Emily]

There's that saying, right? Some people come into your life for a reason. A season or a lifetime.

[Sarah]

That's the one.

[Emily]

Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.

[Sarah]

See you in a sec.

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[Emily]

Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off.

[Sarah]

But here's the thing. To figure out which category a friendship falls into, right? We need to be brutally honest with ourselves about what we truly want, what we need from our relationships.

[Emily]

So it's less about going through the motions or hanging on to friendships out of obligation.

[Sarah]

Right.

[Emily]

And more about being mindful, intentional about the connections we nurture. That takes real self awareness, doesn't it?

[Sarah]

It does, but it's so worthwhile. When we shift from that scarcity mindset, you know, that fear of losing friends, and move towards abundance, we can truly start to appreciate the amazing variety of relationships we have in our lives.

[Emily]

And this might sound strange, but the source also suggests that letting go of a friendship can actually strengthen it in some cases.

[Sarah]

That's something I've experienced myself, you know, when I've released that pressure of being everything to someone or forcing a connection that's no longer working. Often the friendship evolves into something way more authentic, something that can actually last.

[Emily]

It's like taking a step back from a plant to let it grow at its own pace.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Emily]

If we're constantly fussing over it, trying to force it in a certain direction, we might actually.

[Sarah]

Exactly. So as we wrap up this part of our deep dive, I want to leave you with a question from the source material. And listen, all this one is for you too. If we know deep down that a friendship is fading, why do we cling to it so tightly? What are we truly terrified of losing?

[Emily]

That's a powerful question, and it's one we need to unpack. Because those fears we have, they often reveal a lot about our own insecurities, those unmet needs that we're maybe trying to fill through friendships. It's like we're afraid that if we let go of certain friendships, we're somehow admitting that we're not enough on our own or that our worth is tied to the number of friends we have, which is just not true. You're right.

[Sarah]

It's often rooted in that fear of loneliness, that sense that we need a certain number of friends to feel validated. But the source material argues that the let them theory actually helps us move away from that need for external validation.

[Emily]

It's almost like it's encouraging us to build this sense of self, love and wholeness that isn't dependent on other people, and then in turn allows us to approach our friendships from a more genuine place.

[Sarah]

Exactly. It becomes less about clinging out of fear and more about connecting from a place, abundance and generosity.

[Emily]

So we start to recognize that we have something to offer in our friendships, not just something to gain. And when we release the need to control the outcome, the research suggests we actually create space for more genuine and fulfilling connections to develop. We're taking a short pause. Don't go anywhere.

[Sarah]

All right, we're back.

[Emily]

Let's keep the good stuff coming.

[Sarah]

It's not about settling for less. It's about realizing that we are worthy of love and connection, regardless of our relationship status.

[Emily]

I love that. Now, I know we've talked a lot about letting go, but the source doesn't sugarcoat things either. It acknowledges that this process can be really tough. Letting go of friendships, even if it's a natural progression, can still be painful.

[Sarah]

Absolutely. It's important to give ourselves permission to grieve those losses, to feel those emotions without judgment, because that grieving process is actually a necessary part of healing and growth.

[Emily]

It's like we have to clear out the old to make space for the new. Right? And sometimes letting go can be a catalyst for some really amazing changes in our lives. It can free us up to discover new passions, to connect with different people, and ultimately to create a life that feels more authentic to who we are.

[Sarah]

And that's the real beauty of let them theory. It's about empowering ourselves to build richer, more meaningful relationships in every area of our life. It's about trusting our intuition and embracing the fact that. That we don't have to have it all figured out.

[Emily]

So as we wrap up this deep dive into the wild world of adult friendships, I want to leave our listeners with one final thought from the source material. It's a simple, yet powerful reminder. Sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves and for our friendships is to just let them be.

[Sarah]

Let them evolve, let them change. Let them go if they need to. By releasing our grip on control, we open ourselves up to a world of possibilities.

[Emily]

So Beautifully said. And remember, listener, you are worthy of love and connection, no matter what your friendships look like right now. Embrace the journey, trust your gut. And remember, you don't have to do this alone. Thanks for joining us for this deep dive into mastering adult friendship. Don't forget to Visit [e-mail] for more insights and resources. And as always, stay messy.