S3 EP10 | How Every Ending Is a Beautiful Beginning | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast

Episode: S3 EP10 | How Every Ending Is a Beautiful Beginning
Release Date: January 31, 2025

---

Introduction

In Season 3, Episode 10 of The Messy Podcast, titled "How Every Ending Is a Beautiful Beginning," hosts Emily and Jake delve into Mel Robbins' transformative book, The Let Them Theory. This episode explores profound insights on control, perspective, and the art of letting go in relationships. Aimed at listeners seeking life-changing ideas and meaningful conversations, the hosts unravel the complexities of love, acceptance, and personal growth.

---

Understanding The Let Them Theory

Defining the Theory

Emily initiates the discussion by introducing the core concept of the episode:

Emily [00:37]: "We're always taught that love is about fighting for someone, about changing them or fixing what's broken. But, like, what if true love is actually more about acceptance?"

Jake elaborates on the theory, emphasizing acceptance over control:

Jake [01:07]: "It's about letting go of that need to control everything and instead focusing on our own responses."

Key Principles

The Let Them Theory advocates for accepting individuals as they are, without attempting to mold them to fit preconceived notions. Instead of striving to change a partner, the focus shifts to personal growth and how one presents themselves in the relationship.

---

Assessing Relationship Worthiness

Mutual Desire and Authenticity

Jake highlights two crucial factors for determining if a relationship is worth maintaining:

Jake [02:07]: "Figuring out when a relationship is actually worth fighting for. It says there are two super important mutual desire and the ability to be ourselves without giving up our dreams or values."

Both partners must be fully committed and able to remain true to themselves without sacrificing their aspirations or values. This mutual investment ensures the relationship is built on a solid foundation rather than clinging to it despite significant red flags.

---

The ABC Loop: A Practical Approach to Conflict

A: Apologize and Ask

The ABC loop is introduced as a method for handling conflicts constructively:

Jake [03:03]: "It starts with a apologize and ask. You go into the situation with humility and ask open-ended questions like, 'Hey, I noticed this has been bothering me. Can we talk about it?'"

B: Back Off and Observe

After initiating the conversation, it's essential to give space:

Emily [03:33]: "B is back off and observe their behavior. Give them some space to respond to what you asked and see if they actually try to change."

C: Celebrate Progress While Modeling Change

Positive reinforcement plays a pivotal role:

Jake [03:58]: "It's about encouraging any good changes you see and keep doing the things you want to see in them."

The hosts note that maintaining this loop for at least three months allows genuine change to take root:

Emily [04:13]: "The book says to give this ABC loop at least three months. That seems like a really long time, especially if it's something that's causing problems."

---

Expanding the ABC Loop: From D to E

D: Decide if It's a Deal Breaker

After three months without meaningful change, it's time to evaluate:

Jake [06:05]: "It's about being honest with ourselves. We have to ask ourselves, can I really live with this forever? Is this something I can accept, or is it just not gonna work?"

E: Take Action

The final step involves decisive action:

Jake [06:40]: "Either end your bitching or end the relationship."

This step underscores the importance of responsibility—choosing to either accept the current state and stop complaining or recognizing the need to move on.

---

Real-Life Application: Mel Robbins and Her Husband

Jake shares a personal example from Mel Robbins' life:

Jake [06:49]: "The author actually talks about Mel Robbins and her husband. Her ADHD is tough in their relationship, but he chooses to accept her for who she is, quirks and all."

This example illustrates the Let Them Theory in action, demonstrating that acceptance can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship despite challenges.

---

Navigating Compatibility and Deal Breakers

Recognizing Incompatibilities

The hosts discuss various scenarios where compatibility issues arise:

Jake [07:07]: "It really shows how important compatibility is. You can love someone a lot but still not be compatible in the long run."

Differences in lifestyle choices, such as one partner's desire to travel versus the other's preference to stay home, or contrasting personalities like spontaneity versus a need for structure, are highlighted as potential deal breakers.

Statistical Insight

Referencing experts John and Julie Gottman, Jake shares a compelling statistic:

Jake [08:08]: "They say 69% of relationship problems can't be solved."

This emphasizes that many issues stem from fundamental differences that may never align, regardless of effort.

---

Dealing with Heartbreak and Moving Forward

The Pain of Letting Go

Emily and Jake acknowledge the emotional toll of ending a relationship, even when it's the right decision:

Emily [10:32]: "It's sad to think about relationships not working out. Even if you love each other, it's easy to think the grass is always greener somewhere else and wonder if there's someone better out there."

No Contact Period

To facilitate healing, the author recommends:

Jake [11:06]: "No contact for 30 days to really reset things."

This period allows individuals to process their emotions and break free from old patterns, fostering personal growth.

---

Choosing Love Over Chasing Love

Redefining Love

The conversation shifts to embracing a proactive approach to love:

Jake [12:42]: "Stop chasing love and start choosing it."

Building Self-Love

Choosing love begins with self-acceptance and self-love:

Emily [13:22]: "You focus on loving and accepting yourself first."

This foundation attracts like-minded individuals who appreciate and respect one's authentic self, moving away from the constant search for an idealized partner.

Applicability to All Relationships

The Let Them Theory extends beyond romantic relationships to friendships and familial bonds:

Jake [13:47]: "It works in any relationship where you're feeling drained or frustrated or like you're always trying to change someone."

By applying the theory, individuals can cultivate healthier, more supportive relationships across all areas of life.

---

Conclusion and Key Takeaways

As the episode wraps up, Emily and Jake distill the essence of their discussion:

Jake [15:05]: "Remember this. You are worthy of love just as you are. Embrace the let them and let me ideas and see how your relationships and your life change for the better."

Emily [15:17]: "For anyone who wants to learn more, definitely check out How Every Ending Is a Beautiful Beginning. It's full of practical advice and inspiring stories to help you create the loving relationships you deserve."

Final Thoughts

The episode emphasizes personal responsibility in relationships, advocating for acceptance, self-love, and the courage to make difficult decisions when necessary. By embracing the Let Them Theory, listeners are empowered to foster meaningful connections and lead more fulfilling lives.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Emily [00:37]: "What if true love is actually more about acceptance?"
• Jake [01:07]: "It's about letting go of that need to control everything and instead focusing on our own responses."
• Jake [02:07]: "There are two super important mutual desire and the ability to be ourselves without giving up our dreams or values."
• Jake [03:03]: "It starts with a apologize and ask... 'Can we talk about it?'"
• Jake [06:05]: "Can I really live with this forever? Is this something I can accept, or is it just not gonna work?"
• Jake [12:42]: "Stop chasing love and start choosing it."
• Jake [15:05]: "You are worthy of love just as you are."

---

This in-depth exploration of The Let Them Theory provides listeners with actionable strategies to enhance their relationships and personal well-being. By prioritizing acceptance and self-growth, the episode offers a roadmap to building healthier, more satisfying connections in all facets of life.

Transcript

[Emily]

Hey, everyone, and welcome back to the Messy Podcast. Don't forget to Visit [e-mail] you can become a member there to support the show. While you're at it, you can check out some of our other podcasts. We have podcasts about top books and Netflix series, and even biographies. All right, let's get started. This is season three, your relationships and the let them theory. And we're on episode 10 today. Choosing the love you deserve. How every ending is a beautiful beginning.

[Jake]

That's a mouthful.

[Emily]

I know, right? But don't worry. It's all about finding that love that really lights you up.

[Jake]

And sometimes figuring that out means. Well, sometimes it starts with letting go, which can be really hard to think about.

[Emily]

It really can be. I mean, we're always taught that love is about fighting for someone, about changing them or fixing what's broken. But, like, what if true love is actually more about acceptance? That's kind of what we're looking at today, with little help from our source material. How every ending is a beautiful beginning.

[Jake]

Yeah, right from the title, it's like it wants us to rethink how we view relationships. It's saying that endings, even when they're painful, can be like catalysts for something better.

[Emily]

Okay, so let's break down this let them theory. What does that even mean?

[Jake]

Well, it's a really powerful idea. It encourages us to accept people for exactly who they are without trying to force them into, like, you know, some mold that we have in our minds. It's about letting go of that need to control everything and instead focusing on our own responses.

[Emily]

So instead of trying to change our partner, we change how we show up in the relationship.

[Jake]

Exactly.

[Emily]

Okay, before we get too deep into that, let's pause for a moment to hear from our sponsor.

[Jake]

Sounds good.

[Sarah]

Make your next move with American Express Business Platinum. You'll get five times membership rewards points on flights and prepaid hotels booked on amextravel.com/ enjoy access to the American Express Global Lounge collection. And with a welcome offer of 150,000 points, your business can soar to all new heights. Terms apply. Learn [e-mail] Business Platinum AmEx Business Platinum, built for business by American Express.

[Emily]

Thanks for listening to that. Let's jump back into it.

[Jake]

And the book goes really deep into how to do that, starting with figuring out when a relationship is actually worth fighting for. It says there are two super important mutual desire and the ability to be ourselves without giving up our dreams or values.

[Emily]

So both people have to be all in and the issues can't be so big that it makes one person unhappy. It seems so simple when you say it like that. But I think so many of us get caught up trying to make things work, even when there are like red flags all over the place.

[Jake]

Oh yeah. It's totally human nature to want to fix things, to believe that we can make someone change. But the truth is, and the book really emphasizes this, people only do what they feel like doing.

[Emily]

That's a hard one.

[Jake]

It is. But accepting it, that's the first step to having healthier relationships.

[Emily]

Okay, so let's say we're in a relationship and both people are really committed, but there are still some things that are bugging us. The book talks about this ABC loop for dealing with other people. What is that about?

[Jake]

Oh, it's a really practical way to approach those hard conversations. Imagine you're trying to teach a dog a new trick. You wouldn't yell at it or like force it, would you? You'd use positive reinforcement and patience. Well, ABC loop is kind of like that. It starts with a apologize and ask. You go into the situation with humility and ask open ended questions like, hey, I noticed this has been bothering me.

[Sarah]

Can we talk about it?

[Emily]

I like that. It's not about blaming or attacking. It's about starting a conversation.

[Jake]

Okay, so what's B?

[Emily]

B is back off and observe their behavior. Give them some space to respond to what you asked and see if they actually try to change.

[Jake]

So no nagging or constant reminders about it. And C? C is celebrate progress while modeling change. You want to encourage any good changes you see and keep doing the things you want to see in them. This is where a lot of people mess up. They forget to recognize the effort their partner is making.

[Emily]

Yeah, it's all about positive reinforcement, like with that dog and the new trick. But something that surprised me. The book says to give this ABC loop at least three months. That seems like a really long time, especially if it's something that's causing problems.

[Jake]

Well, the free months is important. It gives enough time for the energy to really shift and it can help the other person change more naturally.

[Emily]

Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.

[Jake]

See you in a sec. I think you're on mute.

[Sarah]

Workday starting to sound the same.

[Jake]

I think you're on mute.

[Sarah]

Find something that sounds better for your career on LinkedIn. With LinkedIn job collections, you can browse curated collections by relevant industries and benefits like Flexpto or hybrid workplaces so you can find the right job for you. Get [e-mail] jobs finding where you fit.

[Michael]

LinkedIn knows how this episode is brought to you by Intuit TurboTax didn't file with TurboTax last year. That's in the past. Now Taxes is getting the TurboTax app and filing your own taxes for free. If you didn't file with them last year, file by February 18th. All tax forms, all 100% free. Now this is taxes intuit TurboTax new filers and filers who didn't use TurboTax last year only must start and file your own taxes in app by February 18th. Excludes TurboTax Live full [e-mail] thanks for waiting.

[Emily]

Let's pick up where we left off.

[Jake]

It's not about tricking them or setting a deadline. It's about creating a space where good things can grow. Think of it like a trial period where you're both trying to make things better.

[Emily]

Three months to see if real change is possible. It's about giving the relationship and your partner a real chance.

[Jake]

Exactly. But what happens when, even after three months of trying, nothing changes? That's when it gets interesting. And that's what we'll be talking about in part two of this steep dive. So we've been working on things for three months. We've tried that ABC loop we talked about, and still nothing's changed. That's when we have to make what the author calls the deal breaker decision.

[Emily]

Deal breaker decision.

[Jake]

Yep.

[Emily]

That sounds serious.

[Sarah]

It is.

[Jake]

It's about being honest with ourselves. We have to ask ourselves, can I really live with this forever? Is this something I can accept, or is it just not gonna work?

[Emily]

That is a big question. And it takes a lot of honesty. I mean, we might wanna believe we can live with something, but. But deep down we know it's just going to make us unhappy.

[Jake]

Exactly. The author actually adds two more steps to the ABC loop, making it A, B, C, D, E. D stands for decide Is this a deal breaker or not? And E means taking action. Either end your bitching or end the relationship.

[Emily]

I love that. It's about taking responsibility. Either we accept things and stop complaining, or we admit we can't live with it and move on no more. Just hoping they'll change.

[Jake]

Right? The author actually talks about Mel Robbins and her husband. Her ADHD is tough in their relationship, but he chooses to accept her for who she is, quirks and all.

[Emily]

That's a great example of the let them theory in action. It's about loving the whole person, not some perfect version that we want them to be.

[Jake]

It really shows how important compatibility is. You can love someone a lot but still not be compatible in the long run.

[Emily]

Definitely. Sometimes people grow in different directions, even though it's sad to think about. Like what if one person wants to travel all the time and the other person wants to stay home? Or one person is super spontaneous and the other one needs structure and routine?

[Jake]

Those are great examples. The book talks about other common clashes too, like wanting to live in different places or disagreeing about whether to have kids. These aren't just small disagreements. They show big differences in values and goals.

[Emily]

And sometimes those differences, we don't even notice them until we've been with someone for a while. We change, our priorities change, and then we realize we're on totally different paths.

[Jake]

That's why the deal breaker decision is so important. It makes us think about those big differences and decide if we can really handle them. And get this. The author mentions a statistic from some famous relationship experts, doctors John and Julie Gottman. They say 69% of relationship problems can't be solved.

[Emily]

69%. Wow. So basically, most issues come from personality differences or from unfulfilled dreams, as the book calls them. Things that might never line up no matter how hard we try. A quick break for our sponsor and we'll be right back.

[Jake]

We'll be right back.

[Sarah]

Moms tired of overthinking every decision around what's best for your kids? Stop get Smarty pants vitamins and worry about one less thing. Smarty Pants Kids Multi and Omegas support kids overall health with 16 daily nutrients including vitamin C for immune support and D3 for bone health. That's 45% more nutrients than the leading kids Multigummy brand. Seems like a no brainer, right? Get Smarty Pants on Amazon today.

[Rachel]

This episode is brought to you by Rakuten. If you're shopping while working, eating or even listening to this podcast, then you know and love the thrill of the hunt. But are you getting the thrill of the best deals Rakuten shoppers do. They get the brands they love with the most savings and cash back. And you can get it too. Start getting cash back at your favorite stores like Samsung, Expedia and Sephora and even stack sales on top of cash back. It's easy to use and you get your cash back through PayPal or check. The idea is simple. Stores pay Rakuten for sending them shoppers and Rakuten shares the money with you as cash back. Download the free Rakuten app and never miss a deal or go to rakuten.com to start getting the most bang for your buck. That's R a k u T E.

[Sarah]

N hablas espanols Priest dou joich com.

[David]

De nos if you've heard that sound from Babbel before, I bet you do. Babbel is the science backed language learning app that actually works with quick 10 minute lessons. Handcrafted by over 200 language experts, Babbel gets you on your way to speaking a new language in just a few weeks with over 16 million subscriptions sold and a 20 day money back guarantee. Just start speaking another language with Babbel right now. Up to 55% off your Babbel subscription at babbel.com Spotify podcast spelled B A B-B-E-L.com Spotify podcast rules and restrictions may apply.

[Emily]

Thanks for staying with us.

[Jake]

It really makes you think. Are we willing to compromise on something huge and maybe end up regretting it later? Or would it be better to be apart Even though it hurts?

[Emily]

It's sad to think about relationships not working out. Even if you love each other, it's easy to think the grass is always greener somewhere else and wonder if there's someone better out there.

[Jake]

That's a common fear, but it usually comes from unrealistic expectations, you know, and pressure to find the one. The author has a great saying, the grass is greener where you water it.

[Emily]

I like that.

[Jake]

It means taking care of the relationships we have, even if they're not perfect, is usually better than constantly looking for something better.

[Emily]

That's beautiful. But what about when you've tried everything? Yeah, and the relationship still ends? Heartbreak is so painful. Even when you know it's the right thing.

[Jake]

Absolutely. It's important to remember that heartbreak is like grief. You're losing something and it takes time to heal. The author's therapist actually recommends no contact for 30 days to really reset things.

[Emily]

30 days. That seems intense. What if you want to stay friends? Sometimes it feels like you have to.

[Jake]

It really depends on the situation. But a lot of times that distance is what you need to process your emotions and break free from old patterns and really heal. It's not about punishing anyone. It's about taking care of yourself.

[Emily]

That makes sense. It's about letting yourself grieve and feel your feelings and make space for something new.

[Jake]

Exactly. And that's where the let me part comes in. It's about focusing on what you can gain, not just what you lost.

[Emily]

So instead of dwelling on the breakup, you focus on how you can grow from it.

[Jake]

Right? The book even gives practical advice for dealing with heartbreak, like getting rid of things that remind you of your ex, changing up your living space, reaching out to people who support you, keeping busy with activities and trying new things.

[Emily]

Those are really good ideas. It's about creating a new normal for yourself.

[Jake]

And it all comes down to realizing you are the love of your life.

[Emily]

Wow.

[Jake]

Taking care of yourself sets the standard for all your relationships.

[Emily]

That is powerful. It's about knowing you deserve to be treated well, starting with how you treat yourself.

[Jake]

And that's what lets you really embrace the let them idea. It gives you the strength to choose happiness, to go after your dreams, to set boundaries, and to be in relationships that lift you up.

[Emily]

It's like everything starts with you.

[Jake]

Exactly. And that leads us to the last big message of this chapter. Stop chasing love and start choosing it.

[Emily]

Whoa. That changes everything. Choosing love instead of chasing it. It sounds like it takes a lot of confidence and self respect. Like you're saying you deserve love just by being you. But how do you actually do that? What does choosing love look like?

[Jake]

That's a great question, and it's something we'll talk more about as we continue our deep dive into choosing the love you deserve.

[Emily]

We'll be right back after this quick break. All right, we're back. Let's continue. Okay, so we talked about letting go of relationships that aren't working. But what does it actually mean to choose love? It seems kind of vague.

[Jake]

Well, it's about changing how you think about love. Instead of thinking there's not enough love to go around, you start believing there's plenty for everyone.

[Emily]

So instead of looking for that one perfect person to complete you, you focus on loving and accepting yourself first.

[Jake]

Yeah, exactly. When you come from a place of wholeness, you attract people who are on the same wavelength. It's not about settling. It's about having high standards and knowing you deserve someone who appreciates you for you.

[Emily]

I love that. It makes me think about other relationships, too. Like with friends and family. Does the let them theory work there too?

[Jake]

Absolutely. It works in any relationship where you're feeling drained or frustrated or like you're always trying to change someone.

[Emily]

So, like, if you have a friend who always cancels plans at the last minute or a family member who gives you advice you didn't ask for, the let them theory could help.

[Jake]

It's not about saying it's okay for them to act that way. It's about remembering that you can't control other people. You can only control how you react. You can choose to accept their behavior and maybe distance yourself, or you can talk to them about how you feel and see if they're willing to change.

[Emily]

And sometimes letting them be means letting them go. Like if that friend keeps flaking or that family member doesn't respect your boundaries, you can walk away, even though it's hard.

[Jake]

Exactly. Sometimes. Sometimes people aren't meant to stay in our lives forever. And that's okay. Sometimes growing means saying goodbye to things that aren't good for us. Even if it hurts. It opens up space for new people and new experiences and new chances for love and growth.

[Emily]

This whole conversation has been amazing. It's like you're giving us permission to be happy and to build relationships that really support us.

[Jake]

It's about having the power to choose love. Not just in romantic relationships, but in how you treat yourself, how you spend your time, and how you interact with.

[Emily]

The world that's so powerful. So as we wrap up this deep dive, what's one thing you want our listeners to take away?

[Jake]

Remember this. You are worthy of love just as you are. Embrace the let them and let me ideas and see how your relationships and your life change for the better.

[Emily]

That's beautiful. And for anyone who wants to learn more, definitely check out how every ending is a beautiful beginning. It's full of practical advice and inspiring stories to help you create the loving relationships you deserve.

[Jake]

Thanks for joining us on this journey.

[Emily]

And until next time, keep choosing love.