S3 EP5 | Unlock the Power of Your Influence | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast

Summary

The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast - Detailed Summary

Episode: Season 3, Episode 5
Release Date: January 26, 2025
Title: Unlock the Power of Your Influence
Host: The Messy Podcast
Guest: Expert on "The Let Them Theory"

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Introduction

In Season 3 of The Messy Podcast, the focus shifts to relationships, specifically exploring Mel Robbins' "The Let Them Theory." Episode 5, titled "Unlock the Power of Your Influence," delves into effective strategies for motivating others to change without resorting to nagging or guilt-tripping. The discussion emphasizes the concepts of control, perspective, and the importance of letting go to foster positive change.

---

Understanding Social Contagion

[00:57] Expert:
"It's this fascinating idea that we subconsciously influence each other's behavior. You know, like how you might suddenly crave a salad after seeing a friend enjoying one or feel like going for a run when your partner does it regularly. It's almost like an invisible pull."

The episode begins by introducing social contagion, the phenomenon where individuals subconsciously influence one another's behaviors. This invisible force can inspire positive changes, such as adopting healthier habits by merely observing others engaging in them.

[01:20] Expert:
"Research shows that consistently seeing someone engage in a positive behavior can actually motivate others to adopt that behavior themselves."

The expert elaborates on how consistent exposure to positive behaviors can lead others to emulate them, laying the groundwork for lasting change.

---

Modeling the Change: The ABC Loop Framework

The conversation transitions to practical application through the ABC Loop framework, a three-step process designed to harness one's influence effectively.

A. Apologize and Ask

[03:13] Expert:
"The first step, A stands for apologize and ask. We're going to tap into a technique called motivational interviewing where we ask open-ended questions to help the other person see the gap between their aspirations and their current actions."

Starting with an apology for any past pressures or judgments sets a compassionate tone. Following this with open-ended questions encourages the other person to reflect and recognize their own motivations for change.

Notable Quote:
[03:26] Host:
"So instead of telling them what they should do, we're guiding them towards self-reflection."

B. Back Off and Observe

[04:24] Host:
"Back off and observe. That sounds tough. Especially when we care so much."

Patience is crucial in this step. Allowing time for the planted seeds of awareness to grow without immediate pressure facilitates natural and sustained change.

[04:36] Host:
"It did take time. At first I just thought it was interesting that she always had water with her, but eventually it just started to feel like the normal thing to do."

This real-life example illustrates how consistent modeling leads to the adoption of new behaviors over time.

C. Celebrate Progress

[06:25] Host:
"That's where step C comes in. Celebrate progress. We tap into the power of positive reinforcement."

Acknowledging and celebrating small victories reinforces the desired behavior, linking it with positive emotions and increasing the likelihood of it sticking.

Notable Quote:
[07:04] Host:
"That feels so counterintuitive, but it makes sense. We're rewiring their brain to associate the behavior with the positive feeling."

---

Shifting from Control to Influence

The core of "The Let Them Theory" revolves around shifting from attempting to control others to influencing them positively.

[07:13] Expert:
"It's really about shifting our mindset from one of control to one of influence. We can't force someone to change, but we can create a space where change feels natural and rewarding."

This shift fosters an environment where individuals feel empowered to make changes themselves, rather than feeling pressured or manipulated.

[08:03] Expert:
"It's a delicate dance, but a key part of it is recognizing that change takes time. It's a process, not an overnight transformation."

Emphasizing patience and understanding that change is nonlinear helps maintain healthy relationships during the transformation process.

---

Personal Reflection and Self-Compassion

The discussion also touches upon the importance of self-compassion in the process of influencing others.

[12:04] Host:
"I'm also thinking about how this applies to my relationship with myself. I tend to be very critical of myself and often focus on my shortcomings."

[12:11] Expert:
"Self-compassion is just as important as compassion for others. In fact, it's essential. When we're able to offer ourselves grace and understanding, we're much better equipped to offer it to others."

Recognizing and addressing one's own self-criticism enhances the ability to support others effectively.

---

Key Takeaways and Final Insights

[13:01] Expert:
"Exactly. And that can be incredibly freeing. It takes the pressure off of you and allows the other person to feel more autonomous."

The ABC Loop not only aids in motivating others but also strengthens personal relationships by fostering trust and autonomy.

[15:43] Expert:
"Remember, change is a process. It's messy, it's unpredictable, and it takes time. Be patient with yourself, be patient with others, and celebrate every step along the way."

The episode concludes with a reminder that growth and change are ongoing journeys that require compassion, patience, and acknowledgment of every small victory.

[17:07] Host:
"It's about being the change we want to see in the world."

---

Conclusion

In this episode of The Messy Podcast, the exploration of Mel Robbins' "The Let Them Theory" provides listeners with a transformative approach to influencing change in others. By understanding social contagion and applying the ABC Loop framework—Apologize and Ask, Back Off and Observe, and Celebrate Progress—individuals can foster positive, lasting change in their relationships. The emphasis on shifting from control to influence, coupled with the practice of self-compassion, not only enhances one's ability to motivate others but also deepens personal connections and promotes mutual growth.

For those seeking to implement these strategies, the episode offers practical insights and real-life examples, making the theory accessible and actionable. Embracing this approach can lead to more empowering and supportive interactions, ultimately contributing to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

---

Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• [00:57] Expert:
  "It's this fascinating idea that we subconsciously influence each other's behavior..."

• [03:13] Expert:
  "The first step, A stands for apologize and ask..."

• [06:25] Host:
  "That's where step C comes in. Celebrate progress..."

• [12:11] Expert:
  "Self-compassion is just as important as compassion for others..."

• [13:01] Expert:
  "Exactly. And that can be incredibly freeing..."

• [17:07] Host:
  "It's about being the change we want to see in the world."

---

This comprehensive summary encapsulates the essence of the episode, providing a clear understanding of "The Let Them Theory" and actionable steps to harness personal influence positively within relationships.

Transcript

[Host]

Welcome back to the Messy Podcast. I'm so happy to have you here. As always, don't Forget to visit themessypodcast.com you can become a member there, you know, and support what we do. And while you're at it, check out some of our other deep dive on everything from the best books to Netflix series to fascinating biographies. We're jumping right into season three today, which is all about your relationships and the let them theory. This episode is all about a topic. I know a lot of us struggle with how to motivate others to change. In this episode, we're calling it Motivating Other People to Change. Unlock the power of your influence. We all know that feeling. Wanting someone we care about to make a change. But how do we do it without all the nagging or the guilt trips? And how do we do it in a way that actually works? That's what we're diving into today. We're going to be looking at a really cool concept called social contagion and how we can actually use it to inspire positive change in other people's lives. So what exactly is social contagion and how does it tie into our desire to see others change?

[Expert]

It's this fascinating idea that we subconsciously influence each other's behavior. You know, like how you might suddenly crave a salad after seeing a friend enjoying one or feel like going for a run when your partner does it regularly. It's almost like an invisible pull.

[Host]

Okay, so that makes sense, but how does that actually translate into motivating someone to make a real lasting change? What's the mechanism there?

[Expert]

Research shows that consistently seeing someone engage in a positive behavior can actually motivate others to adopt that behavior themselves.

[Host]

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[Host]

That was quick. Now back to the conversation.

[Expert]

It's subtle but powerful. Think about your own life. Have you ever noticed yourself picking up habits from people you spend Time with.

[Host]

You know, now that you mention it, I actually started drinking more water because my roommate always had a water bottle with her. I never even realized I was being influenced.

[Expert]

Exactly. It often happens beneath our awareness. And that brings us to a really important point. Modeling the change we want to see in others. It's the walk the talk principle in action. Instead of just telling someone what to do, you're showing them.

[Host]

So instead of lecturing my partner about eating healthier, I should be making healthy choices myself?

[Expert]

Precisely. It's far more effective than simply preaching. And it taps into the other person's intrinsic motivation. They feel empowered to make the change on their own rather than feeling pressured or controlled.

[Host]

Okay, I'm starting to see how this all fits together, but let's get practical here. Is there a specific framework we can use to harness this power of influence in our relationships?

[Expert]

Absolutely. There's a three step framework I call the ABC loop that combines evidence based techniques with the core principles of the let them theory, which we'll explore in depth.

[Host]

ABC loop. I like it. Tell me more. What does each step involve?

[Expert]

The first step, A stands for apologize and ask. We're going to tap into a technique called motivational interviewing where we ask open ended questions to help the other person see the gap between their aspirations and their current actions.

[Host]

So instead of telling them what they should do, we're guiding them towards self reflection.

[Expert]

Exactly. It's about creating a safe space for honest conversation. You might start by apologizing for any past pressure or judgment you've put on them, which sets a more understanding tone.

[Host]

I can see how starting with an apology would make a difference. It immediately takes the pressure off and shows that you're coming from a place of empathy.

[Expert]

Right. And then you follow up with open ended questions. Let's say you're concerned about your friend's spending habits. You could ask, how are you feeling about your finances these days? Or what are your financial goals right now? These questions encourage self discovery, not external pressure.

[Host]

So it's about helping them connect their actions with their values and aspirations without forcing our opinions on them. That makes a lot of sense.

[Expert]

It is powerful. And it's important to remember that change is a process. You're planting seeds of awareness that need time to grow. Which leads us to step back off and observe.

[Host]

Hold on. Back off and observe. That sounds tough. Especially when we care so much.

[Expert]

It's about patience. Think about your water bottle example. Your roommate's influence wasn't instant, right? It took time.

[Host]

It did take time. At first I just thought it was interesting that she always had water with her, but eventually it just started to feel like the normal thing to do.

[Expert]

That's a good point. It's like those seeds you mentioned taking root and eventually sprouting.

[Host]

Exactly. So with Bachoff and Observe, we resist the urge to pressure or expect immediate change. We focus on consistently modeling the behavior and trust that the other person will eventually feel that pull of positive influence.

[Expert]

So we're letting go of control and creating an environment that encourages change.

[Host]

Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.

[Expert]

See you in a sec.

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[Host]

Thanks for waiting. Let's pick up where we left off.

[Expert]

But what about when we start to see those little wins? How do we acknowledge progress in a way that reinforces the change?

[Host]

That's where step C comes in. Celebrate progress. We tap into the power of positive reinforcement. Research has shown that immediate positive rewards can actually boost intrinsic motivation. It's about linking the desired behavior with positive feelings, making it more likely to stick.

[Expert]

So instead of pointing at what they could do better, we're focusing on celebrating those baby steps with genuine compliments and support. Yes, imagine your partner starts going to the gym a couple of times a week. Instead of critiquing their form or suggesting they go more often, you express how proud you are of their effort. You're linking the action going to the gym with positive reinforcement, making it more appealing.

[Host]

That feels so counterintuitive, but it makes sense. We're rewiring their brain to associate the behavior with the positive feeling.

[Expert]

It's really about shifting our mindset from one of control to One of influence. We can't force someone to change, but we can create a space where change feels natural and rewarding.

[Host]

This ABC loop has been a real game changer for me. I tend to be a bit of a control freak, especially when it comes to people I care about.

[Expert]

I think we all struggle with that to some extent. It's natural to want the best for the people we love. But sometimes that desire can manifest in ways that are counterproductive.

[Host]

Absolutely. I'm realizing that by trying to control the situation, I was actually pushing my loved ones further away from the change I wanted for them.

[Expert]

It's a common pattern. When we feel like we're being controlled, our natural instinct is to resist. But when we feel supported and empowered, we're much more likely to embrace change.

[Host]

So how do we find that balance? How do we offer support without slipping into that controlling role?

[Expert]

It's a delicate dance, but a key part of it is recognizing that change takes time. It's a process, not an overnight transformation. Just like your experience with the water bottle, it took a while for that new behavior to become ingrained.

[Host]

Patience is key, right?

[Expert]

Yeah.

[Host]

We need to trust the process and let go of the need to see immediate results.

[Expert]

Exactly. We're planting seeds, not demanding instant flowers.

[Host]

I've noticed that. I often get frustrated when I don't see the change I'm hoping for right away. It's like I expect people to change overnight, and when they don't, I get discouraged.

[Expert]

That's understandable. We live in a culture that values instant gratification. But change, especially when it comes to behavior, rarely happens that quickly. It requires patience, persistence, and a willingness to embrace the messy, unpredictable nature of the process.

[Host]

This has been such an eye opening conversation. I'm realizing that my desire to motivate others often stems from a place of fear or insecurity. I want them to change because I think it will make me feel better.

[Expert]

That's a powerful insight, and it's something we all need to be mindful of. When our desire to motivate others comes from a place of self interest, it can easily backfire. But when it comes from a place of genuine love and support, it can have a truly transformative impact.

[Host]

I love that. So it's not about fixing them or making them into something they're not. It's about supporting their growth and evolution as individuals.

[Expert]

Exactly. It's about celebrating their unique journey and offering guidance and encouragement along the way.

[Host]

I'm starting to see how this approach can not only help others change, but also deepen our relationships in the process.

[Expert]

Absolutely. When we approach these conversations with empathy and understanding, it creates a stronger foundation for connection and trust.

[Host]

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[Host]

That was quick. Now back to the conversation. This whole idea of shifting from control to influence is really resonating with me. It feels so much more empowering, both for me and for the people I care about.

[Expert]

It is empowering because ultimately we can't control anyone else's behavior, but we can control our own actions and reactions. And that's where our true power lies.

[Host]

I'm also starting to understand the importance of celebrating progress, no matter how small. It's so easy to get caught up in what's not being done that we forget to acknowledge the little wins along the way.

[Expert]

Those little wins are crucial. They provide a sense of momentum and keep us motivated to keep going. And they send a powerful message to the other person that their efforts are being seen and appreciated.

[Host]

I'm also thinking about how this applies to my relationship with myself. I tend to be very critical of myself and often focus on my shortcomings.

[Expert]

Self compassion is just as important as compassion for others. In fact, it's essential. When we're able to offer ourselves grace and understanding, we're much better equipped to offer it to others.

[Host]

That makes sense. It's like we can't pour from an empty cup.

[Expert]

Exactly. We need to fill our own cups first with love, kindness and acceptance. Then we can overflow into the lives of others.

[Host]

This has been such an insightful and transformative conversation. I feel like I have a whole new framework for approaching not only my relationships with others, but also my relationship with myself.

[Expert]

I'm so glad to hear that. Remember, change is a journey, not a destination. And it's a journey best taken with compassion, patience and a healthy dose of self love.

[Host]

It really is a shift in perspective, isn't it?

[Expert]

Yeah.

[Host]

Instead of focusing on changing others, we're looking inward and changing our own approach.

[Expert]

Exactly. And that can be incredibly freeing. It takes the pressure off of you and allows the other person to feel more autonomous. Even if the change doesn't happen as quickly as you'd like, this process can be valuable. You've opened up a line of communication. You've expressed your care and support and you've modeled healthy behaviors. You've opened up a line of communication. You've expressed your care and support and you've modeled healthy behaviors.

[Host]

I'm realizing that I've often viewed these situations as a failure if the other person didn't ultimately make the change I was hoping for. But you're right. There's so much value in the process itself. Regardless of the outcome, it's about shifting.

[Expert]

Our focus from the destination to the journey and recognizing that growth and change are often non linear.

[Host]

That's a great reminder. We need to be patient with ourselves and others. And remember that even small steps forward are worth celebrating.

[Expert]

Absolutely. Each step, no matter how small, is a victory. It's a sign of progress and a testament to the power of persistence.

[Host]

This whole conversation has really made me think about how I can use my influence in a more positive and supportive way. Not just in my close relationships, but in all areas of my life.

[Expert]

We all have the capacity to be positive influencers. It's not about having all the answers or being perfect. It's about showing up authentically and leading by example.

[Host]

It's about being the change we want to see in the world, Right?

[Expert]

Exactly. And trusting that even the smallest acts of kindness and compassion can have a ripple effect.

[Host]

We'll be right back after this quick break.

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[Expert]

Remember, change is a process. It's messy, it's unpredictable, and it takes time. Be patient with yourself, be patient with others, and celebrate every step along the way.

[Host]

Wonderful advice to all our listeners out there. What small change can you model today to positively influence someone you care about? Think about it and let us know. That's it for this episode of the Messy Podcast. Thanks for joining us on this deep dive. We'll see you next time.

[Expert]

You've opened up a line of communication, you've expressed your care and support, and you've modeled healthy behaviors.

[Host]

I'm realizing that I've often viewed these situations as a failure if the other person didn't ultimately make the change I was hoping for. But you're right, there's so much value in the process itself. Regardless of the outcome, it's about shifting.

[Expert]

Our focus from the destination to the journey and recognizing that growth and change are often non linear.

[Host]

That's a great reminder. We need to be patient with ourselves and others and remember that even small steps forward are worth celebrating.

[Expert]

Absolutely. Each step, no matter how small, is a victory. It's a sign of progress and a testament to the power of persistence.

[Host]

This whole conversation has really made me think about how I can use my influence in a more positive and supportive way. Not just in my close relationships, but in all areas of my life.

[Expert]

We all have the capacity to be positive influencers. It's not about having all the answers or being perfect. It's about showing up authentically and leading by example.

[Host]

It's about being the change we want to see in the world.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Right?

[Expert]

Exactly. And trusting that even the smallest acts of kindness and compassion can have a ripple effect.

[Host]

I think we've covered a lot of ground today. We've learned about the power of social contagion, the importance of modeling the behavior we want to see in others, and this fantastic ABC loop for positive influence. Any final thoughts before we wrap up?

[Expert]

Remember, change is a process. It's messy, it's unpredictable, and it takes time. Be patient with yourself, be patient with others, and celebrate every step along the way.

[Host]

Wonderful advice to all our listeners out there. What small change can you model today to positively influence someone you care about? Think about it and let us know. That's it for this episode of the Messy Podcast. Thanks for joining us on this deep dive. We'll see you next time.