S3 EP6 | The More You Rescue, The More They Sink | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast

Summary

Summary of "S3 EP6 | The More You Rescue, The More They Sink | The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast"

Release Date: January 27, 2025
Podcast Title: The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins | The Messy Podcast
Episode: S3 EP6 | The More You Rescue, The More They Sink
Host/Author: The Messy Podcast
Description: This episode delves into Mel Robbins' "The Let Them Theory," exploring its insights on control, perspective, and the importance of letting go to foster growth and resilience in our loved ones.

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Introduction

In this compelling episode, The Messy Podcast explores the nuanced dynamics of supporting loved ones through their struggles. The host introduces the central theme by referencing a poignant line from Mel Robbins' book: "I guarantee you there is at least one person in your life who is struggling immensely and you have no idea" (00:50). This sets the stage for a deep dive into the often counterintuitive approach of not rescuing those we care about.

The Rescuer Trap: Why Trying to Fix Others Can Be Harmful

The conversation begins by addressing the innate human desire to help those in distress. The host acknowledges the instinct to "rescue them from their pain" (01:38), but with expert insights, the podcast reveals how this well-meaning behavior can sometimes be detrimental. Expert 1 emphasizes that constantly intervening can prevent individuals from developing the necessary resilience and self-reliance to overcome their challenges.

"By allowing individuals to experience the natural consequences of their actions, we empower them to learn, grow, and ultimately heal more effectively." (02:43)

The Let Them Approach: Allowing for Growth Through Consequences

Transitioning from the pitfalls of rescue, the episode introduces the foundational principles of "The Let Them Theory." The host draws a parallel to the saying, "smooth seas never made a skilled sailor," highlighting the importance of facing adversity to foster personal growth (03:05). The expert clarifies that this approach is not about being indifferent but about understanding the psychological mechanisms that drive change.

A significant moment in the discussion is the reference to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, where Dr. Waldinger states, "let people learn from life. Don't shield them from the consequences of what they choose" (05:22). This underscores the necessity of allowing loved ones to navigate their own paths, even when it involves discomfort.

The Let Me Exercise: Practical Tools for Support Without Enabling

A pivotal segment of the episode introduces "The Let Me Exercise," a practical tool designed to support others without enabling their struggles. The exercise comprises four key phrases:

1. Validation: Acknowledge their feelings.

   "Let me validate what you're feeling. This sounds incredibly difficult." (09:50)

2. Separate Emotions: Distinguish your emotions from theirs.

   "Let me separate my emotions from yours. I can see how much pain you're in, and it's hard for me to witness, but I know I can't solve this for you." (10:33)

3. Comfort: Offer genuine empathy without taking over.

   "Let me comfort the person I love who is struggling. I'm here for you no matter what." (10:54)

4. Empowerment: Express belief in their ability to overcome.

   "Let me support you by assuring you that you have within you the ability to get through this." (11:36)

The host shares a personal anecdote about her daughter's struggle with anxiety, illustrating how stepping back and allowing her daughter to face her fears ultimately led to greater resilience and confidence (08:04).

Balancing Support and Self-Care

As the discussion progresses, the importance of self-care emerges as a crucial element in effectively supporting others. The host and expert agree that "we can't pour from an empty cup" (20:34), emphasizing that caregivers must prioritize their own well-being to sustainably support their loved ones.

The episode also touches on the delicate balance between supporting and enabling. Expert 1 differentiates the two by stating, "There’s a time and a place for stepping in, but it's all about finding that balance. It can be a real tightrope walk sometimes." (15:14). This highlights the need for mindfulness in our actions to ensure that our support empowers rather than inadvertently hinders.

Conclusion

The episode culminates with a reaffirmation of the core message: true support involves empowering loved ones to face their challenges independently. By shifting from a mindset of rescue to one of belief and trust, we foster stronger, more resilient relationships. The host reflects on the transformative impact of this approach, both personally and for her daughter, underscoring the profound ripple effects of empowering others.

"It's about letting go of our need to control the outcome and trusting the process, even when it's uncomfortable." (16:52)

The podcast wraps up by encouraging listeners to adopt these strategies in their own lives, fostering environments where loved ones can thrive through their own efforts and resilience.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps:

• Host 1: "I guarantee you there is at least one person in your life who is struggling immensely and you have no idea." (00:50)
• Expert 1: "No one gets sober until being drunk is more painful than facing the thing you're running from." (04:33)
• Expert 1: "Let people learn from life. Don't shield them from the consequences of what they choose." (05:22)
• Host 1: "It's about planting that seed of hope. Reminding them that they're stronger than they think, even if they don't feel it in that moment." (11:36)
• Expert 1: "We can't pour from an empty cup." (20:34)

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This episode of The Messy Podcast offers a thought-provoking exploration of the delicate balance between supporting and rescuing loved ones. By embracing "The Let Them Theory," listeners are equipped with actionable insights and practical tools to foster healthier, more empowering relationships.

Transcript

[Host 1]

Hey everyone, and welcome back to the Messy Podcast. If you're new here, we're all about diving deep into fascinating topics and unearthing those aha moments. And if you love what you hear, hop over to themessypodcast.com to become a member and support the show. You'll also find a treasure trove of other podcasts we've created, covering everything from the latest books and Netflix series to captivating biographies. Now, for our seasoned listeners, buckle up because we're in the thick of season three. You, your relationships, and the let them theory. And this episode is a real gut check. Episode 6 Helping someone who is struggling the more you rescue, the more they sink. We're tackling a topic that's close to all of our hearts. How to support loved ones who are going through tough times and to guide us through this complex terrain. We've got our insightful expert speaker back with us.

[Expert 1]

It's great to be back. This is definitely a topic that resonates with so many people.

[Host 1]

Okay, so before we get too deep, I have to share this line from our source material that really stopped me in my tracks. I guarantee you there is at least one person in your life who is struggling immensely and you have no idea.

[Expert 1]

It's kind of unsettling, isn't it? To think that the people we care about most might be battling something we're completely oblivious to.

[Host 1]

It is. It's a stark reminder that appearances can be deceiving, and there's often a lot going on beneath the surface. What's fascinating here is that we live in a culture that often stigmatizes struggles, equating it with weakness or failure. This creates a tremendous pressure to project an image of having it all together, even when we're falling apart inside.

[Expert 1]

And that pressure to appear fine just makes it even harder for people to reach out for help. Right. It's like they're trapped in this cycle of shame and denial.

[Host 1]

Absolutely. And that's where things get really tricky. Because our natural instinct when we see someone we love hurting is to jump in and try to fix it. We want to rescue them from their pain, to make it all go away. But what our deep dive reveals is that this rescuing instinct, while well intentioned, can actually be counterproductive. Let's take a quick breather for a message from our sponsor.

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[Host 1]

That was quick. Now back to the conversation. Okay, so this is where I start to squirm a little because I know I'm a total rescuer by nature. Can you unpack that for us? Why is rescuing often the worst thing we can do for someone who is struggling?

[Expert 1]

Well, the key takeaway here is that by allowing individuals to experience the natural consequences of their actions, we empower them to learn, grow, and ultimately heal more effectively. When we constantly step in and shield people from the repercussions of their choices, we inadvertently prevent them from developing the resilience and self reliance they need to navigate life's challenges.

[Host 1]

So it's not about being callous or indifferent to their suffering. It's about understanding that those difficult experiences, those stumbles and falls, are actually crucial for their growth. It's like that saying, smooth seas never made a skilled sailor.

[Expert 1]

Precisely. And it's important to clarify that we're not talking about situations where someone is in imminent danger. If someone is about to drive drunk or they're actively harming themselves, you absolutely step in and take action to protect them. But in those more chronic long term struggles like addiction, unhealthy relationships, or financial mismanagement, our rescuing efforts can actually perpetuate the problem.

[Host 1]

Okay, that distinction makes sense. So we're talking about those situations where someone's behavior is causing problems, but they're not in immediate danger. And it's in these situations where our instinct to fix things can actually backfire.

[Expert 1]

Exactly. And you know what's even more ironic? We often want our loved ones to change more than they do.

[Host 1]

Don't tell me about it. Yeah, I've been down that road so many times, it's like we're ready to stage an intervention and they haven't even acknowledged there's a problem.

[Expert 1]

It's that classic ready to change paradox. And to understand it, we need to remember that human beings are wired to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Change, by its very nature, is often painful, at least initially. So unless the pain of staying the same outweighs the pain of changing, it's unlikely that someone will be motivated to make a real shift.

[Host 1]

That's a really helpful way to frame it because it's not about blaming them for not wanting to change. It's about understanding the underlying psychological mechanisms at play.

[Expert 1]

Right. And sometimes that pain, that hitting rock bottom is what it takes to finally shift the equation. There's a powerful quote from an addiction specialist that really captures this. No one gets sober until being drunk is more painful than facing the thing you're running from.

[Host 1]

Wow, That's a gut punch. But it's so true. And it applies to so many struggles, not just addiction. It could be an eating disorder, a toxic relationship, a destructive spending habit. Sometimes people need to experience the full weight of their choices before they're ready to do the work to change.

[Expert 1]

Absolutely. And as hard as it is to watch, sometimes the most loving thing we can do is step back and allow those natural consequences to unfold.

[Host 1]

So this is where that let them concept comes in, right?

[Expert 1]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

It's about resisting the urge to rescue and instead trusting that our loved ones have the capacity to learn from their mistakes and make better choices in the future.

[Expert 1]

You got it. And there's actually some incredible wisdom from the Harvard Study of Adult Development that supports this approach. Dr. Waldinger, the director of the study, said, let people learn from life. Don't shield them from the consequences of what they choose.

[Host 1]

Oh, that's some tough love right there. But I get it. If we're constantly swooping in and rescuing people, they never learn to rely on their own strength and resilience. It's like we're subtly communicating. You're not capable of handling this on your own.

[Expert 1]

Precisely. And think about it. If someone is constantly bailed out of their financial messes, they never learn to manage their money responsibly. If we're always covering for someone's drinking, they never have to face the consequences of their addiction. And those consequences, as painful as they might be, are often the catalyst for growth.

[Host 1]

You know, this brings to mind a situation with my daughter and her anxiety. Looking back, I realize I fell right into the avoidance trap.

[Expert 1]

Oh, I'd love to hear about that. Could you share a bit more about what happened?

[Host 1]

Well, my daughter went through a phase in middle school where her anxiety was really bad, especially at night. And of course, my instinct was to comfort her, to make her feel safe. So I let her sleep on the floor in my room. At first, it just seemed like the kind thing to do.

[Expert 1]

It's completely understandable. Any parent would want to soothe their child's fears.

[Host 1]

Right. But then it went on for months, and I started to realize that I wasn't actually helping her. I was enabling her to avoid facing her anxiety head on.

[Expert 1]

That's a really important insight, and it connects perfectly to Dr. Marquis's work on avoidance as a coping mechanism. It's natural to want to steer clear of things that make us uncomfortable, but in the long run, it often makes things worse.

[Host 1]

It's like that old saying, what we resist persists.

[Expert 1]

Exactly. And in your daughter's case, by allowing her to avoid her anxiety, you were inadvertently reinforcing the idea that it was something to be feared, something she couldn't handle on her own.

[Host 1]

Which is the opposite of what I wanted. It took me way too long to see that my attempts to protect her were actually making her anxiety worse.

[Expert 1]

It's a common trap that many of us fall into. We think we're being supportive, but really we're enabling the very behaviors we're trying to help them overcome.

[Host 1]

Hang tight. We'll be back right after this short break.

[Expert 1]

See you in a sec.

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[Host 1]

Thanks for waiting. You're not doing her any favors by letting her avoid this. And he was right. We ended up taking her to a therapist and she helped us understand that facing those fears, those uncomfortable feelings was the only way for her to truly overcome them.

[Expert 1]

And that's where the let them approach becomes so crucial, isn't it? It's about shifting from a mindset of rescuing to a mindset of supporting. It's about trusting that our loved ones have the capacity to face their challenges, even if it's messy and uncomfortable.

[Host 1]

Right. And the deep dive actually gives us some really concrete tools for doing that. There's this Let me exercise that. I found Cerebra helpful. Basically, it's all about using specific phrases and actions to offer support without enabling. I even tried it out with my daughter. And honestly, it felt like a game changer.

[Expert 1]

I'm so glad to hear that. It's a deceptively simple but incredibly powerful tool for shifting our approach to helping others. Why don't we take a moment to delve into the let me exercise and explore how it can help us show up for our loved ones in a way that truly empowers them.

[Host 1]

That sounds great. Let's dive into the Let me exercise and unpack how we can put it into practice.

[Expert 1]

All right, so let's unpack this. Let me exercise. It's deceptively simple but incredibly powerful in shifting our approach to helping others.

[Host 1]

I'm all ears.

[Expert 1]

Yeah.

[Host 1]

I tried it out with my daughter. Yeah. And honestly, it felt like a game changer.

[Expert 1]

The first step is all about validation. Instead of jumping in with solutions or minimizing their feelings, we start by acknowledging what they're going through. So imagine your loved one is sharing their struggle with you. You might say something like, let me validate what you're feeling. This sounds incredibly difficult.

[Host 1]

Yeah, it's like just that simple acknowledgement. You can take sting out of it. Right. It shows them you're really listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk.

[Expert 1]

Exactly. And the next step is crucial for setting healthy boundaries. It's about separating your emotions from theirs. Remember, their struggle isn't your struggle to fix. You can say something like, let me separate my emotions from yours. I can see how much pain you're in, and it's hard for me to witness, but I know I can't solve this for you.

[Host 1]

Ooh, that's a good one. Because it's so easy to get caught up in their emotions, especially when it's someone you love, but ultimately doesn't help either of you.

[Expert 1]

Right. And then, of course, there's the element of comfort. Sometimes a simple hug or a listening ear can go a long way. So you might say, let me comfort the person I love who is struggling. I'm here for you no matter what.

[Host 1]

It's like that physical touch, that genuine empathy. It can be so grounding when someone's feeling lost and overwhelmed. What strikes me about this exercise is how it encourages us to be more mindful and intentional with our words and actions. It's not about giving generic advice or platitudes, but about truly connecting with the person who is struggling. On an emotional level, you've hit the.

[Expert 1]

Nail on the head. It's about offering support that is both compassionate and empowering. And finally, perhaps the most important step is expressing your belief in their Ability to handle things. This is where we shift from rescuing to empowering. You might say, let me support you by assuring you that you have within you the ability to get through this.

[Host 1]

It's about planting that seed of hope. Right. Reminding them that they're stronger than they think, even if they don't feel it in that moment. It's also interesting how this exercise can be applied to so many different types of struggles. Whether it's a friend battling addiction, a family member dealing with a job loss, or a partner going through a personal crisis, these principles of validation, boundary setting, comfort, and belief can make a world of difference.

[Expert 1]

Absolutely. And remember, this isn't about lying to them or sugarcoating the situation. It's about acknowledging the difficulty while simultaneously expressing your faith in their resilience.

[Host 1]

Right. And I think that's where that line from the deep dive really hits home. Stop rescuing people from their problems and start acting as if you believe in their ability to face them. It's a total mindset shift. You know, I remember when I finally realized that I was inadvertently undermining my daughter's ability to cope with her anxiety by constantly rescuing her. It was a tough pill to swallow, but it was a turning point for both of us.

[Expert 1]

It is. And the truth is, our actions speak louder than words. If we're constantly swooping in and fixing things, we're inadvertently reinforcing the idea that they can't handle things on their own. This reminds me of a study on learned helplessness where researchers found that when individuals are repeatedly exposed to uncontrollable, stressful situations, they eventually learn to give up and stop trying to escape, even when presented with opportunities for change.

[Host 1]

Hmm. That's a powerful analogy. It highlights how our rescuing behaviors, while seemingly helpful, can actually contribute to a sense of helplessness and dependence in our loved ones. I know I've been guilty of that in the past. It's like we're accidentally creating a self fulfilling prophecy by reinforcing the belief that they're incapable of handling their own problems.

[Expert 1]

Exactly. And you know, in your story with your daughter, you demonstrated this beautifully by walking her back to her room each night. Even though it was hard. You were showing her through your actions that you believed she could face her fear.

[Host 1]

It was tough. I'm not gonna lie. There were definitely moments when I wanted to give in and let her sleep in my room just to make things easier. But seeing her gradually gain confidence, knowing I'd been there beside her every step of the way, that was priceless. It was like watching her Blossom into this strong, resilient young woman right before my eyes.

[Expert 1]

And that's the beauty of the let them approach. It's not easy. It requires patience and trust. But the rewards are immeasurable. You're not just helping someone solve a problem. You're helping them build the inner strength and resilience to face whatever life throws their way. And as you witnessed with your daughter, it can have a ripple effect, inspiring them to become more confident and self assured in other areas of their lives as well.

[Host 1]

Right. And honestly, isn't that the greatest gift we can give the people we love? To know they have the power within themselves to overcome anything? Let's take a quick breather for a message from our sponsor. That was quick. Now back to the conversation. But let's be real. This whole let them thing is a lot easier said than done. Right? I mean, it's one thing to say we believe in someone. Yeah. But when they're really struggling, those old rescuing instincts can kick in hard. It's like we have to constantly fight against our own ingrained patterns of behavior.

[Expert 1]

Oh, absolutely. It's a constant practice, a conscious choice we have to make over and over again. And sometimes we'll mess up, we'll fall back into old patterns, and that's okay. The key is to be aware of it, to learn from those moments and to keep coming back to that core belief in their ability to handle things.

[Host 1]

Hmm. It's like we're retraining our brains to respond differently, to resist those knee jerk reactions that often do more harm than good.

[Expert 1]

Exactly. And I think it's also important to acknowledge that there's a difference between supporting someone and enabling them.

[Sponsor 2]

Right.

[Expert 1]

Like there's a time and a place for stepping in, but it's all about finding that balance. It can be a real tightrope walk sometimes.

[Host 1]

You're so right. The deep dive highlights this perfectly with the concept of enabling. It's those times when we think we're helping, but really we're just perpetuating the problem. Giving money, irresponsibly, covering for someone's drinking, making excuses for their behavior. These are all forms of enabling that in the long run, do more harm than good.

[Expert 1]

And it's often done with the best of intentions. We want to protect our loved ones from pain, from discomfort, from the consequences of their actions. But as we've been discussing, those consequences, as painful as they might be, are often the catalysts for real change.

[Host 1]

Hmm. It's like we're trying to shield them from the natural feedback loops of life. Which are essential for learning and growth. If we prevent them from experiencing the full impact of their choices, we're robbing them of the opportunity to course correct and make better decisions in the future.

[Expert 1]

Think about it. How many times have you seen someone turn their life around? Or only after hitting rock bottom? It's often in those moments of despair when they've exhausted all other options that they finally find the motivation to change.

[Host 1]

Too many times to count. It's like they need to reach a point where the pain of staying the same becomes unbearable. A stronger force than the fear of the unknown.

[Expert 1]

And as difficult as it is to watch, sometimes the most loving thing we can do is step back and allow those natural consequences to unfold. It's not about being cold or uncaring. It's about. It's about respecting their autonomy and trusting that they have the capacity to learn from their mistakes. It's about recognizing that they have their own unique path to walk. And sometimes that path will be messy and challenging.

[Host 1]

It's about letting go of our need to control the outcome and trusting the process, even when it's uncomfortable. And you know, the deep dive also touches on this idea of avoiding avoidance, which I found really insightful. It's like sometimes our attempts to make things easier for our loved ones actually end up enabling them to avoid facing their challenges. And as we've discussed, that avoidance, while tempting in the short term, can lead to long term consequences.

[Expert 1]

It's so true. And it's not just about major life crises either. It can be those everyday challenges, the small anxieties and fears that we all face if we constantly step in and try to smooth things over. We're subtly communicating that they're not capable of handling those bumps in the road on their own.

[Host 1]

And then guess what? Those bumps turn into mountains because they never develop the skills to navigate them. Yeah, it's like we're inadvertently creating a world for them that's devoid of natural challenges and obstacles, which ultimately stunts their growth and resilience.

[Expert 1]

Exactly. And that's why this let them approach is so powerful, even in those seemingly small moments. It's about fostering resilience, about empowering them to face those challenges head on, knowing they have the strength and the support to get through it. And it's about having faith in their ability to learn and adapt, even when things don't go according to plan.

[Host 1]

So what does this all look like in practice? I mean, besides the let me exercise, are there any other tangible tips or strategies that our listeners can take away from this deep Dive.

[Expert 1]

Of course, there are so many nuggets of wisdom in here, but one that really stands out to me is the emphasis on shifting from judgment to belief.

[Host 1]

We'll be right back after this quick break. All right, we're back. Let's continue.

[Expert 1]

It's about recognizing those subtle ways we might be communicating. A lack of faith in our loved ones abilities. It's about being mindful of our tone, our body language, and even the words we choose.

[Host 1]

Ooh, that's a good one. I'm already thinking about all the times I've probably done that without even realizing it. Yeah, it's easy to fall into those patterns of criticism or doubt, especially when we're worried about someone we care about. Alright, so we're back. And I think this idea of support versus rescue is so fascinating because I feel like in the past I've definitely crossed that line a bunch of times.

[Expert 1]

Yeah, it's tricky. It really is a delicate balance. But the key here is understanding that true support empowers someone to face their challenges while rescuing tries to shield them from the consequences. It's about letting them stumble and make mistakes.

[Host 1]

So we're not swooping in with solutions, we're helping them build resilience instead.

[Expert 1]

Yes. And one of the most powerful ways we can do that is by simply believing in them.

[Host 1]

Right. Like we talked about before, shifting from judgment to belief.

[Expert 1]

Exactly. If we doubt them, we're sending the message that they can't do it on their own and that can make them more reliant on us. But if we approach the situation with trust, real growth can happen.

[Host 1]

I love that you said trust because it really emphasizes that shift from authority to partnership.

[Expert 1]

Right. At the end of the day, healthy relationships are all about mutual respect and trust.

[Host 1]

Absolutely. So how do we put this partnership into action? Like what are some tangible ways to support someone without rescuing them?

[Expert 1]

Well, the Lemme exercise is a great framework.

[Host 1]

Yeah. For our listeners, those phrases are let me validate what you're feeling, let me separate my emotions from yours, let me comfort the person I love who is struggling, and let me support you by assuring you that you have within you the ability to get through this.

[Expert 1]

Exactly. Those phrases help so much. Beyond those, it's about offering practical support without taking over. So maybe helping them research solutions or brainstorming together or even just offering a listening ear without judgment being a sounding.

[Host 1]

Board, not a fixer.

[Expert 1]

Right. And their solutions might not be what we would choose.

[Host 1]

Exactly.

[Expert 1]

And something else to remember in all of this is self care. Supporting someone can be draining so we need to take care of ourselves, too, right?

[Host 1]

It's like that saying, you have to put on your own oxygen mask first.

[Expert 1]

Exactly. We can't pour from an empty cup.

[Host 1]

I feel like I've learned so much today. It's okay to let them struggle.

[Expert 1]

It is. That's where growth happens.

[Host 1]

Well, this has been such a great conversation. Thank you so much for joining us.

[Expert 1]

It was my pleasure.

[Host 1]

And to our listeners, we'd love to hear your thoughts. Head over to themessypodcast.com and share your experiences. Until next time, folks. Keep it messy and keep learning.