The Little Shaman: On Narcissists & Toxic Personalities

Episode 263: Narcissists Have No True Self (THIS Is What They Have Instead)
Host: The Little Shaman (Shaman Sister Sin)
Date: January 28, 2025

Overview

This episode delves deeply into the concept of the "true self" in pathological narcissism. The Little Shaman explains why the idea of narcissists hiding a real, cohesive identity is misleading. Instead, she describes how these individuals lack an integrated self entirely, relying on masks and external validation to construct and maintain a sense of identity. The episode breaks down the psychological mechanisms behind this, addresses common misconceptions, and helps listeners understand why relationships with narcissists feel so hollow and confusing.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Misconceptions about the "True Self" in Narcissism

• The phrase "true self" is a misnomer in the context of pathological narcissism. Most people assume narcissists have a real identity they're hiding, but the reality is they lack a stable sense of self altogether.
  • Quote: "It's more like wearing a mask because you don't have a true face. It's like wearing a mask instead of a face." (02:03)
• Narcissists' public and private personas can be dramatically different due to this lack of internal cohesion, unlike non-narcissists who, even if presenting differently in various settings, are still fundamentally the same person.

2. Masks, Mimicry, and the Absorption of Identity

• Narcissists adopt a mask to function as a true self because they have no authentic core identity.
• They are adept at superficial mimicry, often reflecting those around them, which is why “they take the shape of whatever container they happen to be in.” (06:07)
  • Quote: "Narcissists are like water, but not in the Bruce Lee sense...They attempt to become the environment because they lack a stable identity." (06:23)
• This leads some to believe narcissists have multiple personalities, but in reality, they don't even possess one coherent personality.

3. Compartmentalization and Binary Thinking

• Narcissists' fragmented personality parts are compartmentalized, often along rigid 'good' and 'bad' binaries.
• Common misconception: The “bad” side is thought to be the true self, intentionally hidden. The host argues it’s not hidden at all—both the “good” and “bad” are just masks.

4. Denial as the Primary Defense Mechanism

• Denial is the dominant defense: denial of reality, personal traits, actions, and the impact on others.
  • Quote: "The number one defense mechanism used by narcissists is denial. We see this in virtually all of their behavior in some way." (13:57)
• Negative feelings (anger, shame, jealousy) are denied and left unregulated, causing overwhelming emotional outbursts or cold, calculated aggression (passive-aggression).

5. The "Jekyll and Hyde" Phenomenon

• Narcissists’ sudden switches in behavior (from charming to cruel) are not due to dissociative identity disorder but result from extreme compartmentalization.
• Both sides (Jekyll and Hyde) are equally unreal, constructed personas.
  • Quote: "Dr. Jekyll is Mr. Hyde, and neither of them are the narcissist's true self. They are both masks in their own way." (22:30)

6. Narcissistic Supply and the Search for Identity

• Narcissists rely entirely on external validation (“narcissistic supply”) to create a sense of identity—they see themselves only through others’ eyes.
  • Timestamp: 28:00–30:00: Parallels with how infants build self-worth based on caregiver input.
• When the supply is lost or the reflected image becomes negative, the narcissist experiences trauma and may seek new sources.

7. Idealized Self and the Validation Loop

• The narcissist’s “identity” is a one-dimensional, idealized image (victim, genius, hero, etc.)
• Others are used as props to validate these images, making them “real” for the narcissist.
  • Quote: "When you react to this image as if it's real...you are reflecting back to them this false idealized image of themselves. Now...this is who they really are because someone believes it." (36:12)
• This cycle is inherently unstable and destined to collapse once others see through the mask.

8. Collapse and Projection of Blame

• When the illusion breaks, narcissists often feel brutally betrayed and blame others for the exposure and subsequent “loss” of identity.
  • Quote: "Once people see through the facade, narcissists feel extremely, even brutally betrayed by that." (43:40)
• They may accuse others of being the liar or phony, refusing to accept responsibility.

9. The Inherent Emptiness and Fragility

• The narcissist is fundamentally hollow, a collection of intense emotions and empty fantasies, “a stilted, stereotypified, shallow, one-dimensional persona.”
  • Quote: "For relationships with narcissists, this is a disaster, because there’s nothing else there. The closer you look, the less you see…" (53:50)
• Real relationships become impossible, as intimacy inevitably exposes the emptiness beneath the mask.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "It's more like wearing a mask because you don't have a true face. It's like wearing a mask instead of a face." (02:03)
• "Narcissists are like water… They attempt to become the environment because they lack a stable identity." (06:23)
• "The number one defense mechanism used by narcissists is denial… Denial of reality, denial of who they are, denial of impact, of awareness of everything." (13:57)
• "Dr. Jekyll is Mr. Hyde, and neither of them are the narcissist's true self." (22:30)
• "When you react to this image as if it's real… you are reflecting back to them this false idealized image of themselves." (36:12)
• "Once people see through the facade, narcissists feel extremely, even brutally betrayed by that." (43:40)
• "The closer you look, the less you see…" (53:50)

Important Timestamps

• 00:56–02:45: Introducing the false assumption of the narcissist's "true self"
• 06:07–07:30: Narcissists’ mimicry and absorption of external identities
• 13:57–17:00: Denial as defense and emotional compartmentalization
• 22:00–25:00: The Jekyll and Hyde persona explained
• 28:00–30:00: Child development parallel; formation of self-worth
• 36:00–40:00: The role of supply and the validation loop
• 43:30–45:00: Collapse, betrayal, and projection of blame
• 53:30–55:00: The fundamental emptiness revealed by intimacy

Conclusion & Takeaways

The episode clarifies that pathological narcissists do not possess a hidden, authentic self. Instead, they cobble together shallow personas that need constant validation from others to feel "real." Once exposed, these facades collapse, leading to rage or abandonment. The listener is encouraged to stop projecting depth or authenticity onto narcissists and see them as they truly are: fundamentally empty and reliant on others for a sense of identity.

For further resources and one-on-one support, listeners are encouraged to visit littleshaman.org.