Podcast Summary

Overview

Episode: 265: Narcissists: A Bait & Switch | How This Affects You + How To Get Past It
Host: The Little Shaman (Shaman Sister Sin)
Date: February 12, 2025

The Little Shaman explores the concept of “bait and switch” as it applies to narcissistic and toxic personalities. Through analogies, historical context, and practical advice, she dives deep into how victims are lured in by an illusory persona, only to be left grappling with betrayal, emotional trauma, and the painful reality that the person they trusted never truly existed.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Definition and Context of "Bait and Switch"

• Bait and Switch Origins:
  Explains the original meaning as a type of consumer fraud, where buyers are promised one thing and get another, lower-quality item.
  (00:56)

  "A bait and switch is a type of fraud. It's what it's called when you're promised something, but that's not what you get."

• Relevance in Relationships:
  Shifts the metaphor from the marketplace to relationships with narcissists, noting the experience is the emotional equivalent—what's sold is never what's delivered. (02:25)

  "That is the entire experience of dealing with narcissists. The presentation that you are sold is not what you have when you get home."

2. Historical Idioms and Meaning

• The Cat’s Out of the Bag:
  Traces the origin of the phrase to medieval markets where piglets could be fraudulently swapped with cats. Applies this to narcissists: the "cat" (the real self) eventually emerges, exposing the fraud.
  (04:05)
• Applying the Idiom:
  Surprise in narcissistic relationships is painful, not pleasant; the "fraud" when uncovered leaves deep hurt.

3. Depth and Scope of the Fraud

• Layers of Deception:
  Narcissists often represent the polar opposite of what they pretend to be. The shock of discovering this can be immense. (07:30)

  "People can be totally blindsided by it... There's almost no red flag that could alert someone to what's really happening here."

• Impact on Victims:
  Discusses developmental shock, self-blame, and a protracted process of recovery. (10:00)

  "It is shocking, it is painful, it's disorienting. It causes issues with so many things. People's self esteem, their self image, their self worth..."

4. Emotional and Mental Consequences

• The Trauma is Deep:
  The depth of betrayal affects one’s sense of self, trust in others and even reality itself.
  (12:05)
• Gaslighting as Total Reality Shift:
  Narcissists’ deception is so omnipresent, “it’s like saying you’re seeing through air.” (13:30)

  "The gaslighting in these situations is so complete and so omnipresent because the deception is omnipresent."

5. The Narcissistic Sales Pitch

• Living as a Salesperson:
  Narcissists are compared to relentless salespeople, continually selling an image to others and themselves. (15:30)

  "Everything they do and say is an attempt to sell something, usually an image of themselves, an idealized image."

• Exhaustion of the Target:
  Victims are constantly pressured to validate the narcissist, which is mentally and emotionally draining.
  (17:40)

  "After a while, everything is a sales pitch of some kind and you have to keep fending it off..."

6. The Never-ending Role-play and Its Failure

• Why Narcissists Can’t Deliver:
  Their promises cannot be fulfilled because they lack the core qualities they're pretending to have. (20:35)

  "The reason they can't give you the thing that they originally offered you is because they don't have it."

• Victim as Caretaker:
  Ultimately, the relationship dynamic traps the victim in a caretaker’s role for a "perpetual child." (22:45)
• Emotional Labor:
  Victims are expected to regulate the narcissist’s emotions, preemptively manage triggers, and read their minds—unacceptable in adult relationships.

7. The Fundamental Illusion

• No True Self:
  Narcissists bait with an idealized image that simply does not exist; their identity is a performance, not a reality. (29:45)

  "As we explored in Narcissists have no true self. Narcissists do not have a fixed and stable identity. They have an idealized image of themselves instead. This is what they bait people in with."

• Switch Revealed:
  The act always fails; the truth surfaces, revealing to victims that the person they invested in was never real. (32:00)

  "This is where the switch becomes known. This is where the cat gets out of the bag. People start to realize what they actually have and it is not what they thought it was."

8. The Extent of the Betrayal

• Psychological Fallout:
  The realization can shake a person’s entire worldview, leading to ongoing doubts about what’s real. (35:20)

  "A whole person can be a fraud... the fact that they're even a whole person at all, is an illusion. This calls into question for many people everything they believe in..."

9. Advice for Victims

• Don’t Settle—Insist on Reality:
  Encourages listeners to demand what was promised, and leave when it can’t be provided.
  (38:10)

  "Don't Settle. Insist on what you were told you were getting and walk away immediately from relationships where people cannot or will not provide that."

• Classic Metaphor:

  "You can't get groceries at Home Depot because they don't have groceries there to give you."
  (39:15)

• Accept Reality:
  Accepting that you cannot change narcissists lessens pain and aids healing. (41:00)

  "Some things are just a waste of time. And trying to force people to change or to be different who don't want to change and don't think they need to be different is one of those things."

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the completeness of deception:

  "Any game looks straight if everyone is being cheated at once and narcissists are cheating everyone they interact with. Everyone they interact with is being cheated and defrauded. They are even defrauding themselves. Themselves most of all." (13:05)

• On why shame is misplaced:

  "Many people feel shame for not having seen through the fraud... as if anybody ever could." (11:35)

• On ‘caretaking’ dynamics:

  "Adults are supposed to be able to do all of these things for themselves. If you are expected to do them, you're being expected to take care of another adult." (23:55)

• On the futility of waiting for change:

  "It can be hard to accept that you're not going to get what you wanted from this situation, especially when it's a parent or a relationship in which you have invested a lot of time and energy. But if someone can't do a thing, then they can't do the thing." (40:25)

• On learning to move forward:

  "When someone has defrauded you, when they're defrauding everybody, including themselves, there's nothing else to do in this situation except accept that that's what's happening and move forward with that information." (43:00)

Wrap-Up

The Little Shaman provides a rich, empathetic, and incisive breakdown of the "bait and switch" dynamic endemic to narcissistic relationships, urging listeners to recognize fraud for what it is—and to protect their wellbeing by refusing to accept less than they deserve, no matter the personal cost. The episode is both validating and instructive for those recovering from toxic relationships.

For more info, support, or to work with The Little Shaman, visit littleshaman.org.