Author & Relationship Coach: Rewriting Your Love Story After Failure

Summary

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Living Your Legacy Podcast

Episode: Author & Relationship Coach: Rewriting Your Love Story After Failure
Host: Rudy Mawer
Guest: Randa Dutcher
Date: February 9, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt conversation, Rudy Mawer sits down with Randa Dutcher—faith-driven singer, speaker, author, and relationship coach—to explore the possibility of reclaiming and rebuilding love after failure. Randa, a mother of five, shares her vulnerable journey of divorcing and remarrying her high school sweetheart and how her personal experiences now inform her coaching and creative work. The episode dives into candid lessons about forgiveness, self-discovery, open communication, overcoming personal limits, and holding space for hard conversations in relationships. Randa’s story illustrates that no narrative is too broken to become beautiful again.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Randa’s Remarkable Story (00:00–05:04)

• Double Marriage & Self-Discovery:
  • Randa remarried her ex-husband after a two-and-a-half-year separation following divorce during her fifth pregnancy.
  • The breakup period became a time for personal growth and self-realization:

    "In that two and a half year span, I really found myself... I had like the second childhood with my parents, along with raising five kids as a single mom. I had three jobs... it was a lot... and because I worked on me, my ex husband at the time was like, wow, she's actually really great. And I miss her." — Randa Dutcher (04:07–05:04)

Key Relationship Lessons & Principles (05:15–07:54)

• Taking Responsibility & Self-Fulfillment:

  • Randa discusses how both parties contributed to the downfall of the marriage, with her own lack of fulfillment leading to controlling behavior.
  • Recognizing personal responsibility was central to healing:

    “I became a Nagaholic. I just was controlling and I wanted it my way... I lacked fulfillment and I didn't know how to connect or be vulnerable.” — Randa Dutcher (05:25–06:05)

• Vulnerability & Safe Communication:

  • Value of having a safe space with a partner to share “anything and everything,” no matter how messy:

    “…We can really talk about anything. He could tell me I'm thinking about robbing a bank, and I'd be like, okay, well, what does that look like? And what are the consequences of that?... being able to have a safe space with your partner to say anything and everything.” — Randa Dutcher (07:05–07:54)

Communication, Triggers, and the “Sweet Sandwich” Approach (12:04–14:08)

• Hard Conversations—How To Approach Them:

  • Importance of clarity about your feelings before communicating.
  • The “sweet sandwich” method: couching difficult feedback between affirmations and care.

    “I think first you have to be really clear what you're upset about. Is it something from my past that I was triggered by or is it something they said? And then just be really clear. Hey, you said this and this is what I heard and this is how it made me feel.” — Randa Dutcher (12:08–12:14) “I love you so much. You're my best friend. And when you said that my pants were ugly the other day, man, it just crushed my heart. So maybe in future could you say, hey, what do you think about those pants?” — Randa Dutcher (12:37–12:52)

• Projection & Love Languages:

  • Discussion about how people communicate and show love in different ways and the importance of recognizing and adapting to those differences.
  • Reference to Gary Chapman’s “The Five Love Languages,” underscoring relationships and even workplace culture.

Overcoming Black-and-White Thinking (09:42–11:17)

• ‘God is a God of And’:
  • Randa’s realization that life is not black-and-white and one can embrace many identities and new beginnings.

    “Growing up, I believed that you had to be black and white... And through forgiveness, I just realized God is a God of And. You can be more than one thing. I can be a mom, I can be a singer, I can speak on stages. I can be a great wife, I can be a good friend.” — Randa Dutcher (09:46–10:20)

  • Rudy builds on this with advice about overcoming limiting beliefs.

Rediscovering Passion Through Crisis (14:16–16:46)

• Return to Singing & New Opportunities:
  • Randa shares her journey of returning to singing, rejoining stage performances, and her iconic experiences (e.g., singing the National Anthem for the Phoenix Suns).

    “Covid hit and they had my video somewhere. And during COVID they're like, hey, we saw your video. Can you come sing? ...That was really cool.” — Randa Dutcher (16:25–16:46)

Never Give Up: Randa’s Core Message (16:53–17:08)

• Perseverance, No Matter What:
  • Encouraging others to push through hardship, whether “bloodied and broken on the floor” or simply heartbroken:

    “Never to give up. Just never give up. It doesn't matter if you're bloodied and broken on the floor. It doesn't matter if you're heartbroken. You can crawl to your next space. You can walk, you can be carried. Just keep moving forward.” — Randa Dutcher (16:53–17:08)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I remarried my ex-husband. We've been married twice… But in that two and a half year span, I really found myself.” — Randa Dutcher (00:00–00:13)
• “Everybody has negative thoughts, crazy ideas, chaotic moments, but being able to have a safe space with your partner to say anything and everything...” — Randa Dutcher (00:34–00:49; 07:05–07:54)
• “I became a Nagaholic… I lacked fulfillment and I didn't know how to connect or be vulnerable.” — Randa Dutcher (05:25–06:05)
• “God is a God of And… you can be more than one thing.” — Randa Dutcher (10:08–10:20)
• “You’re not limited by your physical ability or mental ability, but your perception of reality.” — Rudy Mawer (10:20–10:33)
• “Never to give up. Just never give up. It doesn't matter if you're bloodied and broken on the floor...” — Randa Dutcher (16:53–17:08)

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Important Timestamps & Segment Highlights

• 00:00–00:49: Randa’s introductory story—remarrying her ex-husband and personal transformation.
• 04:07–05:04: Survival and growth post-divorce—“three jobs... I sold cattle on Craigslist.”
• 06:02–06:30: Reflections on responsibility in divorce and relationship breakdown.
• 07:05–07:54: Defining new principles for communication in marriage.
• 12:08–12:52: How to have hard conversations—the “sweet sandwich” approach.
• 14:16–16:46: Rediscovering singing and performing after crisis—Phoenix Suns anthem story.
• 16:53–17:08: Randa’s closing message on resilience.

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Additional Details

About Randa Dutcher’s Work & Resources

• Podcast: Going Dutch — Focused on relationships, spirituality, hope, and peace.
• Books:
  • Healing Through Broken Relationships (collaborative stories on resilience from heartbreak).
  • You Have a Gift, Shine Bright (children’s book encouraging self-recognition of gifts/talents).
• Instagram: @perfectlyimperfect.randa
• Website: randa-dutcher.mykajabi.com

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Tone & Takeaways

Uplifting, sincere, and practical, the episode offers both heartfelt encouragement and actionable relationship strategies. Randa’s candor and Rudy’s business-inspired insights blend to deliver an episode as thought-provoking as it is motivating, reminding listeners that legacies—especially relational ones—are always under construction, and always redeemable.

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Transcript

[Randa Dutcher]

I remarried my ex husband. We've been married twice. We got divorced during my fifth pregnancy. We just really fell apart. But in that two and a half year span, I really found myself.

[Narrator/Host Introduction]

Randa Dutcher is a faith driven singer, speaker and author whose life reflects redemption, courage and calling reclaimed. Through her music coaching books and the going Dutch podcast, Randa is empowering others to shine boldly and believe that no story is too broken to be made beautiful again.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

So what do you teach others now? How do you teach? And relationship and connection around that.

[Randa Dutcher]

The heart, the vulnerability, the connection in that space was really what was lacking. Everybody has negative thoughts, crazy ideas, chaotic moments, but being able to have a safe space with your partner to say anything and everything.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Someone's bottling it up and not having those, I call them hard conversations. What do you say to them?

[Randa Dutcher]

I think first you have to be really clear what you're upset about. Is it something from my past that I was triggered by or is it something they said? And then just be really clear. Hey, you said this and this is what I heard and this is how it made me feel.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

It spans the globe like a super high cold Internet Elvis.

[Commercial/Ad Voice]

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[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

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[Commercial/Ad Voice]

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[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Living your legacy podcast.

[Commercial/Ad Voice]

For those who live to leave a legacy that's extraordinary. The impossible has. Oh, that is sensational. Jordan, Open Chicago with the league. You said Paul is the fastest man on the planet. You can live your dream.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Hello and welcome back to another episode of Legacy makers. Joining me today is Randa. She's a singer, a speaker, author, a podcaster and today we're going to talk about how to maximize a relationship and how to really connect in a relationship and a whole bunch more that she's up to. So excited for this. Welcome to the show.

[Randa Dutcher]

Thank you, Rudy.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

So I, I know you do a lot. I, I couldn't get it all in my intro so I'd love to pass the over to you. Tell us for a minute about yourself and what you're up to.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah, so I, I'm a mom of five, first and foremost. I remarried my ex husband, so we've been married twice.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

And you just wanted two weddings or.

[Randa Dutcher]

Well, yeah, no, we got divorced during my fifth pregnancy and there was, we're writing a book about it right now.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

And that's what we're going to talk about today, right?

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah, yeah. And so I speak on stages about that. I sing the national anthem at a lot of professional sports and rodeo events and I Have a podcast. I've written a couple books and I got two more this year, so.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Right. Tell us a little quickly before we dive into the main topic. What are the books and podcasts?

[Randa Dutcher]

My podcast is Going Dutch and it's a lot about relationships, spirituality, messages of hope and peace. And my book, healing through Broken Relationships is a collaboration book. And it's 17 different authors that talk about how they had a broken heart from death of a spouse or a parent or lost their job or suicide ideation, all kinds of topics about heartbrokenness and how that created resiliency.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Wow.

[Randa Dutcher]

And my other book is you have a Gift, Shine Bright. It's a children's book and it has A list of 150 gifts in the back from. I'm organized, I'm athletic, I can sing, I make friends easily. And it's a story about a child going through their day at school and seeing that everyone has gifts.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

That's cool. Yeah, that's cool.

[Randa Dutcher]

Thanks.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Okay, so let's dive into the m. Let. Let's start with the story. I guess the. That tees into some of the advice and tips and stuff you teach. Tell us about the, you know, the. The double marriage. Right. And how that led to everything you do.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah. So my husband and I were high school sweethearts and we got married in our 20s, had four kids. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And he was an alcoholic. I got pregnant with our fifth child and he was having an affair and we just really fell apart. And as we weren't able to make it work, he moved out. We got divorced. But in that two and a half year span, I really found myself. I got married at 20 and I lived next door to my dad and my mom was there right with me. And I had like the second childhood with my parents, along with raising five kids as a single mom, I had three jobs. I sold baked goods and meals. I sold cattle on Craigslist and I taught music lessons. It was a lot in that two and a half year span. And because I worked on me, my ex husband at the time was like, wow, she's actually really great. And I miss her. And he came back around. And long story short, through a lot of healing and work, we did reconcile, got remarried.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Wow. And what now you're teaching, you know, the lessons from that. Right. And what are they? You know, let's break them. A few of them, I know we could speak all day, but a few.

[Randa Dutcher]

Of them, I'll speak in generalities only because, you know, there. There's abuse everywhere. And I'm not going to say that every marriage is the same, but for me and a lot of divorces, I think it takes two. So while my husband was drinking every day and was having an affair, what got us to that point? And that was I wasn't doing anything that made me fulfilled. I became a Nagaholic. I just was controlling and I wanted it my way. I was running the ship. So anything I could do to make everyone else do it my way was exactly how I kind of pushed him into a corner.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

And you're saying that's because you lack fulfillment or vision?

[Randa Dutcher]

I lacked fulfillment, yes. And I didn't know how to connect or be vulnerable. So I could do anything physically clean the house, have the kids, make the kids, make meals, whatever. But the. The heart, the vulnerability, the connection in that space was really what was lacking. And so I went to fight or flight of nag control, and he went to acting out how he did.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Sure, sure. So, yeah. And I mean, it's, you know, obviously interesting and admirable. I think that you. You can reflect on it and maybe see how you. You've changed too, right? Oh, yeah. Because obviously. Yeah, that's not always easy, especially when this, you know, the relationship ends on the way it did in the first time around. So what do you teach others now? How do you teach others and relationship and connection around that?

[Randa Dutcher]

So we have a few principles that we live by. One is date your spouse if you don't.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, I have. So good. Yeah.

[Randa Dutcher]

And then communicate over. Communicate. I'm feeling this way. That was a trigger for me. And then also be available to hear whatever your partner has to say. So one thing my husband said before we got divorced was, I don't want to be in this religion anymore. And that was a really scary thing for me. And I couldn't hear it, and I couldn't give him any space to just think about it. I just made him wrong and shamed him. And so now we can really talk about anything. He could tell me I'm thinking about robbing a bank, and I'd be like, okay, well, what does that look like? And what are the consequences of that? Like, we can talk it through. You know, everybody has negative thoughts, crazy ideas, chaotic moments. But being able to have a safe space with your partner to say anything and everything, that.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

That's really important because, you know, when you grow up as a kid, that's your parents. When you gravitate out of that relationship, you know, parent, child, relationship, it becomes your spouse generally. Right. Or your best friend. That's Generally who? Yeah, those two. And yeah, I, I mean it's a good example of the rob in the bank. You know, no matter how crazy it is, it's not that it's the right thing to do, but at least be open to have the conversation about it. Yeah.

[Randa Dutcher]

Well. And why are you having those thoughts? Yeah. Why are you wanting to drink alcohol? Why are you wanting to go date someone at work?

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Randa Dutcher]

Like what is.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Well, and a lot of that as a precursor can stop the reality from happening.

[Randa Dutcher]

Right, right. Exactly. Yeah, exactly. The more we shut down the dark and negative thoughts, the louder they become.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. And I'm not, you know, by any means relationship expert, but I think there's a ton of parallels about leadership and running a team and I was pretty good at that.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

And you know, I always. We have a lot of. With our team in a similar fashion, you know, we have monthly check ins with most of the full time staff or the managers do. And that's the same thing. We're trying to get ahead of problems. Right. Because what I've learned of the human species is 99 aren't good about talking about issues. They just can bottle them up. I'm very vocal. If I'm like as a leader, if I've got a problem with my team or a system, I'll tell everyone and we'll fix it.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

99 of people are. They avoid conflict.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

So they don't like to bring it up and then they bottle it up and then that leads to the alcohol or cheating or whatever. Right.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah. So I bottled up. I wanted to keep singing. I wanted to perform and go places. And I just thought, well, I just have to be a mom and I have to sit here. And so I made everyone else miserable.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Which is in reality, you realize you didn't. You can go do all those things.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah. And yeah. The other principle is God is a God of.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

And okay, explain.

[Randa Dutcher]

Growing up, I believed that you had to be black and white.

[Commercial/Ad Voice]

Okay.

[Randa Dutcher]

It was either this way or that way. And it was like, oh, if we get a divorce, we're not getting back together. You drink, I'm not going to be here. If you have an affair, that's the end. Like very black and white.

[Commercial/Ad Voice]

Sure.

[Randa Dutcher]

And through forgiveness, I just realized God is a God of. And you can be more than one thing. I can be a mom, I can be a singer, I can speak on stages. I can be a great wife, I can be a good friend.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. Other things, I mean, I always teach more in business and achieving your goals. I Always kind of have a famous line. You're not limited by your physical ability or mental ability, but your perception of reality.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yes.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

That's what I teach everyone. So, yeah, it's very similar. Right. Because if you believe you can only be a mom, which is a fair thing. Hey, I have five kids. Right. It's a lot, you know.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

So it's a very fair thing to say right now. I can only be a mom. There's no way I can be a singer and a speaker and an author and a podcaster.

[Randa Dutcher]

Right.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

But there probably are women out there with five kids that are a singer, a speaker, and an author. Right. So there is a reality where you can do that. Just haven't figured, maybe set the goal and intention, which means you'll never achieve it. And then once you do, it's just the answer gets easier from there because then it's just the. The more logical processing of, well, how do I do that? Well, I dire a nanny. I have to get up an hour earlier and do this, whatever it is. Right. But.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah, but it's all workoutable.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yes.

[Randa Dutcher]

It's about the different timing. Maybe I don't speak every day, but I could speak once a month.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yeah. Get the parents from next door to come over and watch the kids while I go out and, you know, practice or whatever. So I love that. So someone's listening. I mean, I have lots of questions to you, but someone's listening. They're in a relationship and they feel, yeah, I'm not having those conversations. I'm not happy where I'm at. And this can be. I mean, this applies not to just physical husband and wife or spouse, but to employee, boss, to. You know, I see people, even my wife, that has a problem with the friend doing something, being late, canceling, and I'll be like, well, why aren't you telling her? And it's like, they just don't. Right. So. So if someone's bottling it up and not having those.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

I call them hard conversations. What do you say to them?

[Randa Dutcher]

I think first you have to be really clear what you're upset about.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yep.

[Randa Dutcher]

Is it something from my past that I was triggered by, or is it something they said? And then just be really clear. Hey, you said this, and this is what I heard, and this is how it made me feel. I don't think you meant it that way. How can we work through this? Or. I love you so much. I honestly, I think it's a. It's a sweet sandwich. You have to make it a sweet Sandwich.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Randa Dutcher]

I love you so much. You're my best friend. And when you said that my pants were ugly the other day, man, it just crushed my heart. So maybe in future could you say, hey, what do you think about those pants? So just like again, over communicating.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

That is interesting because, you know, the more I work with people and personal relationship. But people in company settings too is. It is funny how you could say something that. Because you always speak how stuff reflects on you. Right. So if someone said to you, those pants are ugly, you know, maybe if I stereotype for a second, a guy's like, whatever. Right.

[Randa Dutcher]

Right.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

To someone else, that might cause this spiral of insecurities. And their legs are too big now and they're gonna lose weight. All these things. Right. But you don't realize that unless you stop to think or ask them.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah. And really all that friend meant was that color's not your.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, that's what I mean. It wasn't the fit, but because she is. This kind of comes back to love languages. Because your perception of how you receive stuff that as an example is, you know, sometimes you. You don't care about gifts, but the person loves gifts, so they give you gifts and you mean they don't appreciate you because they don't ever do anything you want them to do, but they think they really appreciate you. Really appreciate. And you're giving them gifts all the time. And that was a big. You know, I read that book 10 years ago and that was a massive eye opener to me. Not just on the relationship side, but how you just. You always give or talk or communicate on how you would want to be. But everyone's so different.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah, we do. And we project our own perception on to other people. Basically what you're saying also. Yeah.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

So next question. Talk. I know you this the singing size big. You train other people or teach other people. Tell us about that.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah, I used to. I sang all growing up. Started singing in church three years old, performing in front of people with my mom. And I loved it. I competed. I went to college, had a scholarship, did musicals, and then got married, had kids and kind of stopped pause for a bit. And then through my divorce, actually. Can I say Joyce, Kira's mom, Kira's mom was teaching classes about vision boards and said, why don't you come sing while I teach? And that kind of started me to perform again.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yeah.

[Randa Dutcher]

And man, I got the bug. And then I joined a group called the Cowgirls Historical foundation. And we do drill team and ride in rodeos. And that group needed A national anthem singer, sometimes at rodeos. And so I started seeing the national anthem several times a year. And my dad also worked for the rodeo circuit. So a lot of times I got to spend time with my dad, which was really, really wonderful. And I just really connected to Francis Kott Key and the message of hope. And I really feel like it was a divine received poem that he wrote on the ship watching his friends get bombed and he just had to sit there all night. And so I really try and connect two words that I sing. And it's my favorite song to sing, but I've also written some music, I've done some covers, I've got music on all the platforms.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

And you do the national anthem's a big part, right?

[Randa Dutcher]

Yeah.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

What's the. Is the. Is the one thing that's been iconic for you? You sang at a certain place or.

[Randa Dutcher]

Did a. I sang for the Phoenix Suns, the Phoenix Mercury. I've sang at some big rodeos in Arizona, Las Vegas. I'm trying to get to the NFR and the Houston Rodeo. And so I've sent, I have a resume, I've sent lots of places. And yeah, I'll pretty much sing it anywhere.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Yeah, you got to keep sending it, right? Yeah. I always love those landmark things where you kind of pinch yourself looking back.

[Randa Dutcher]

Yes, the Phoenix Suns was honestly like, that was the moment. And I didn't sleep all night that night because it was like a ten year dream. I'd auditioned, didn't get it. I auditioned five years later, didn't get it. Covid hit and they had my video somewhere. And during COVID they're like, hey, we saw your video. Can you come sing? I was like, yeah, I will. Oh, that was really cool.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Good, good. Last couple of questions then. Tell us about your episode and what people will learn from the full show.

[Randa Dutcher]

Never to give up. Just never give up. It doesn't matter if you're bloodied and broken on the floor. It doesn't matter if you're heartbroken. You can, you can crawl to your next space. You can walk, you can be carried. Just keep moving forward.

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Love that. And last question. Someone wants to learn more about you. Follow you get, you know, this relationship advice, the podcast, the books. Where do they find you?

[Randa Dutcher]

My Instagram is perfectly imperfect. Randa. And my website is Randa Hyphen Dutcher at [e-mail].

[Rudy (Podcast Host)]

Love it. Well, guys, hope you enjoyed that episode and got some tips and tricks and got you thinking about, you know, your communication with, whether it's relationship, spouse or people in the workplace, friends, etc and a bunch more that we talked about. As always, keep working hard, have an impact. Check out the full episode and as always, I'll see you soon. Keep building a legacy. Take care.