← Zac Amico's Morning Zoo
Zac Amico's Morning Zoo
0023. Best Of Christmas Episode (Tim Dillon, Big Jay Oakerson, Nick Mullen, Shane Gillis and Many More!)
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Louis Gomez
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So I just, I went on CNN.com because I was just like, I was hoping this story was. So I went on CNN to talk about Kwanzaa. Yeah, well, they have a story. Well, Flitzer now, Louis Gomez, Lou, I'm actually the darkest black person they've ever had on to discuss race in America. They have a story which is a non black person's guide to Kwanzaa, which is just racist. Kwanza is not. I don't think Kwanzaa was invented 1960s. Yeah. Kwanzaa is not. It doesn't trace its roots back to Africa. It's an American holiday. It's American holiday that was made up. I mean, Ann Culture wrote an article called Kwanzaa Holiday from the FBI, which is a very funny article. They keep on just adding A's to it. I love that Anne Frank or Ann Coulter has found a way to hate Kwanzaa, which is. Yeah. How does that affect you? Does she hate Kwanzaa? No, but she wrote an article. It's funny, the Kwanzaa. Holly from the FBI. I think what it was about is that people didn't really know what Kwanzaa was. You had all these white liberals running around going, it's historic. And Ann Coulter was basically like, you don't even know what it is. Yeah. So she was saying in the article. She was basically like. It was. The problem is with the people on the right. They're. They're very provocative sometimes. And when they do that, it's like even if they're. It gets lost in, like. I watched a dude the other day. Of course, he was making a great point, but he kept on using the term, term soy boy, and it made me hate him. It's like the soy boy is the new cuck, I guess, of 20. 2018, going into it. So people that use, like, the key buzzwords, it's like, Owen Benjamin bug me. Owen Benjamin will say something that makes sense. And then he's like, I'm standing naked in my backyard, running in and out of my sauna because it raises testosterone levels. And you're like, oh, I. What? I can't. You know what I mean? Like, wait a minute. What were you saying about the flat in the woods? My wife. But I punch her in front of my son every day. Yeah. To let him know that we are also equal. You know? I mean, it's just one of those things where it's like anytime you let an ideology. I love that those guys are all obsessed with that, too. It's like raising their testosterone level. That's what I want to do. I get a. I get a blood test done every six and a half hours to make sure my tea levels are on point. Because I'll turn gay and then trans and then liberal. That's what happens. That's the order. Yeah. Gay, trans, and then liberal. Then I'll start talking about health insurance. Like, really? It's like, does your dick get hard? Then you're fine. You don't need to worry about other shit than that. Yeah. I don't even understand the whole. I guess as you get older. Why would you want to raise my brain? Thinking is diminishing. I need more testosterone because there's time to take fake pills sold by a guy who thinks he's a gorilla. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to take this powder. I want to keep thinking clearly. Yeah, you must be. You must be using beta brain, Nick. Yeah. Yeah, probably. Yeah. So I get all my cuck ideas about tipping people. So. Yeah. But Kwanzaa, I didn't know anything about it. I know. Wait a minute. What? No, no, I knew nothing, dude. No. Okay, go on. I was one of these people who thought it was like some sort of African bush holiday. Yeah. Where I. The only thing somebody told me recently, I call those African bush holidays. Yeah. We all know and love the month of February. Yeah. Okay. Okay. The African Bush month. No. But I had no idea. So this is a specific guide that will walk you through if you're a non black person. My favorite thing about Black History Month is when they're like. To confront all the, like, bullshit. Black people didn't invent anything. Propaganda that, like, white supremacists put out. They'll put out a list of things that black people have invented, but they. I feel like that's also racist propaganda because they're like George Washington Carver peanut butter. And it's like, that's the best one you got. I mean, there's plenty of other. You could choose that. I think they deliberately chose, like, one of the shittiest things to put that at the forefront. So it's like. Yeah, kind of all those lists are made by a white guy. Yeah, I know. That's what I'm saying. Secret alt right guy is buried, and he's like, let me make these lists. Yeah, yeah. Cotton balls, right? Yeah. But when's the last time you were hanging out with the black guy and he's the one who came. He's inventing something. Yeah. He's not. They're not a mess. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Every black guy I know has invented something. You know, they all got a different way of getting through the turnstile. Yeah. That's life. Shannon, go through the list. I want to. We're going to learn about Kwanzaa today on the Real Ass podcast. Well, I saw one list one time. There was like, you know, see, they do invent stuff. And the things on there were like, you know, the. So I love this. Don't assume every black person speaks Swahili. I do. I mean, that's my assumption. Don't even assume the. It's not a Hanukkah knockoff. Yeah. These are things no one ever thought. Don't even assume. Just people who celebrate. Don't assume it's related to Jews. I didn't. I'm emphasizing the quote. Don't think that N in Kwanzaa stands for the N word. It's not. I know. I thought that. Yeah. I'm emphasizing the black people who celebrate Kwanza part because not all of us celebrate Kwanzaa. Blah, blah, blah, whatever. Karenga, the professor who created the holiday in 1966, chose Swasti Holidays. Language money on that. Yeah. Because it. It's one that isn't defined by a particular African region or tribe. Oh, yeah, there we go. Matata. Right? That's Swahili, right? Isn't it? It is Hanukkah. It is the third day of Hanukkah. I know nothing. I know nothing about Hanukkah. Crash course at Hanukkah. What do I got to know? What's the number one thing. Let me try to guess about it. Can I guess about Hanukkah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Guess. That's a good one. This is gonna be guessing Hanukkah. Facts. I have no idea about Hanukkah. It's time for Guess the Jews. Guess the Jews. I like it. We should have a separate drop. Drop for that. Ari Shafir, when I first got to town, used to do this thing at the Comedy Store where he would go on stage late at night. You remember this, Kim? You were probably around for that. And he would be like, get to know a Jew. And they would just take questions from the audience, and they're all just the most ridiculously offensive questions. And he would answer them seriously. But, yeah, let's hear what you think Hanukkah is. What do we know about Hanukkah now? All right, so ready? Okay. It's eight days of Hanukkah. I would have said 12, wouldn't it? Oh, that's Christmas. Yeah. How many candles are on the menorah? Is it 12? No, it's nine. Well, it's obviously not 12, Kim. Why would it be 12? Because I had 12 in my head, and I feel like it came from somewhere. All right, yeah. Nine, eight, nine. No. Okay. Why would you. Why would you be all shitty? Like, obviously not 12. When it's eight days of Hanukkah, I seem nine. I don't know. It seemed excessive. There's no connection. You're right. She really wants the number 12 to be involved somehow. So there's. How many did you celebrate it? 12. What else is there to know? Why are there eight. Why are there eight candles? The ninth one. Why are there eight days of Hanukkah? Yeah, I got this one. You think you got it? You have the reason there's eight days of Hanukkah? Yep. Can I guess? Hold on, hold on. Can I guess first? Because it's one for each night of celebrating the decimation of Jesus Christ. That's what I would have guessed. It's like they partied for eight nights after they killed Jesus. Night while they tortured. The way they killed Jesus was very slowly. And it took eight days. It took eight days. Yes. Yes, that's. Is that what it is for real? No. Oh. I was like, the Jew are darker people than I thought. Like, that's our holiday that we're wondering, why does everyone hate us? Yeah. I was like, now I get it. I take it all back. So the Jews were trapped, and they had enough oil to burn for One night and it lasted eight days. And it was a miracle. Well, they weren't trapped, I don't think. Right. It was. They destroyed their temple. The Maccabees destroyed the Hebrew. The Maccabees were like. They were like the Puerto Ricans of the old times, you know, just going on, just going. Sacking people and shit. Fuck yeah, dude, we should get a Maccabee T shirt. They were making people flinch. Nut checking juice. Yeah, yeah, they were stealing a lot of cars or whatever the cars were of the time. I got no problem with the Maccabees. Yeah. All right, well, so they destroyed the temple, the great Jewish temple. And they. Yeah, but what was the perspective of the Maccabees, though, about that time? Like, why did they destroy it? Well, yeah. What was. Hold on. Because there's two sides to every story, right? You know, what were the Jews? Not according to the biblical stories. There's really just one. That's kind of the problem we get into with the Bible. What were the Jews doing in the Maccabees? Dude, I don't fucking know. Ah, the Jews weren't doing nothing. Oh, the Jews are just at home. Need not wrong business. They were playing their music all out. They were watching old reruns of Seinfeld. You know, they were eating Chinese food. Oh, and the Maccabees, the loud Puerto Rican just came and disrupted, huh? Just stop playing fucking dreidel. So the Maccabees rented a place above the temple and they were playing that fucking pitbull music you guys like. And the Jews kept like banging the top. And they were like, guys, we're trying to sell our Hanukkah my la mo la cucaracha. And they were like, oh, fuck these fucking Puerto Ricans. Yeah, that's basically. I think. I haven't read the Torah in a while, but I think that's what it very similar. The Maccabees, they destroy the temple and the Jews are like. So they. Something like they needed a guy to go get help or something or something. They only had enough. This guy went off to get help or something, but he only had enough oil in his torch or lamp or whatever to last for one day. And I think it lasted for eight days. Is this why it's rumored that Jews like to stretch things out as well? And they could stretch a dollar. Exactly. So I mean, literally the whole holiday revolves around a bargain saving oil. Them being really stingy. They weren't being stingy, dude. I'm saying they didn't have enough. And the oil Lasted well. He obviously had enough. He fucking. Yeah, they just blew it out every few hours. And they were like, if you guys would give up your fucking oil. I think you have the wrong Middle Easterners confused there that there's not a lot of oil in Israel. But, yeah, it's still. Oil is still very important. You know, that's the only thing that keeps the Puerto Ricans at bay. But what was the importance of the oil? Actually, they have plenty of gasolina. That's true. Who cares about the oil for the candles? Why do they need the candles? Just go to sleep when it's dark. I mean, that is a good point. Why do you need to fucking. Rabbi Congdon didn't maybe sort of break this down in an interesting way. Yeah, just fucking hang out during the day, and then you can save all the oil, and then you don't use any oil. Well, then they're gonna be circumcising babies with their teeth in the dark. Yeah. I mean, that's a dangerous. Dangerous, unsanitary. They might actually suck their finger. You know how much light you need to accurately poke the hole in that little bagel right in the center? We're still talking about circumcision, by the way. You have to use your cane to make sure it's a small incision. Yeah, Poke hole in a little bit. So. So. So that's why. That's. That's the significance of the eight candles. It's only enough oil for one candle, and they had it for eight days. Okay, all right. What else? So why is it I feel like the gifts were just copying Christmas 100%? Right. 100 kids on Christmas were getting gifts the whole holiday. I mean, like, I'm not even remotely religious, but the whole holiday is completely insignificant. Until the Christian kids were all happy and the Jewish kids were sad. They're like, all right, how about we have a little fake Christmas thing, and then somehow we got to do eight days of it? But the problem is, unless you grew up in New York, no one, like, gives you those days off school, so it fucking sucks. Yeah. Nobody also gives you respect. Yeah, well, also, the gifts aren't. You don't get eight good gifts. You get. And then, like, shitty day one, it's frankincense and myrrh. Kind of how Christmas is, too. Like, we only got, like. We got, like, seven shitty things in one big thing. Yeah. Your mom wouldn't give you all the stamps in one gift. It was stretch. Christmas was like hot lunch coupons. You wouldn't get Cafe con leche. On the first day, you would get, you know, a fucking shit ton. I mean, when I was a little kid, I used to get like a shit ton of stuff. Like, you know, a little. Little kid. Yeah. $100 worth of toys. Yeah, it is. But Christmas is obviously more fun. I mean, it's just a much more cool holiday, you guys. Calendars dreary and dark. I feel like when, you know, you think about Hanukkah, it's not, like, fun. It's just. No Jewish holidays. I think about spinning that fucking dreidel and sitting with the candle. Well, the dreidels fun. What do you have? You don't like a Christian game? Do you know you have a fucking Christian. Christian game? We have our own. Yeah. We get drunk and do karaoke and shit. Yeah. Touch little boys. I'll granted, you know, pot with my family members. I know, but I'm saying, like, the dreidel me will make fun of, like, it's lame. But you. You guys don't have a. What is the dreidel? You have a little Christmas game. You don't have, like, we have a little. Our own Jewish craps, you know. What is a dreidel game? Gambling game. It's a gambling game. Depending on what side it lands on, you get the chocolate. Yeah. It's like a dice that spits for chocolate. Or it could be for money, but they play for chocolate money. Chocolate coins. That's where the chocolate coin reference came from. Wow, I'm learning so much. Yeah. Where did you grow up? Florida. Which is like Jew capital. How do you not know anything? United States. I don't know. She also grew up in the sticks of Florida. It wasn't like Miami. We have well water still where I live or where my parents live. Yeah. It's like the joke that I always do about Florida is southern Florida nothing but gays, blacks, Latins, and Jews. And then northern Florida is people who hate gays, blacks, Latins, and Jews. Exactly. And I was right in the middle, like, on the line, where's Mickey Mouse? Yeah. She only hates gays and blacks. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. So two out of three. All right. So what else is there to know about Hanukkah? So we got dreidel out of the way. We know why there's eight candles. It's just sort of like. I will say this about the. You know what you say, like, in the beginning. Like, do you not like the Christian songs? Or. I mean, not the Christian. The Christmas songs, Like, I just think they should spice Them up. Like, throw in the fucking Jewish ones. You know, too. Because it's. It's just. I know Jewish. Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. This one. Avenue Shalom Alecum. Yeah, yeah, there's that one. I knew that one. See, I knew so little about. They made us sing that one in elementary school. I didn't know what the fuck it was. Dreidel. And I felt like I was portraying my religion. As the words spilled out of my mouth, I was like, what are we doing here? I mean, what's going on right now? And I did it, and I had no problem with it. I remember the first time I even, like, remember meeting a Jewish kid was Barbara Ann Wittenberg in the 60s. Well, you went hard. You went right Jew. Barbara Ann was pretty Jewy, right? Her name was Israel von Dreeden's line. Big, fat, big fat, meaty titties. What I did was I had cut strips of black construction paper, and I made them into, like, curlicues. And then I put them by my ears and I went, oh, look. Oh, I'm a Jew, dude. You should come to my neighbor. My neighborhood where I live is, like, all dudes like that. And this guy's got his Jeep tricked out with a big menorah on top, and he's just driving around blasting those songs. That guy's awesome. So I did that, and I. Not realizing there was any real Jews. I only knew from Muncie, which was like, an Aryan and. Oh, that's crazy Jewish. Highest, like, Hasidic Jewish population in the world. What? And yeah, so I was like, just sort of making this joke because we had driven by them and fucking sneered at them when we were kids. And then they're, like, city awful. And then my mom or they are city Amish. They're Amish with no farming skills. I don't even. Didn't even get it at first. And then Barbara Ann Wittenberg was like. Because I'm going, oh, look, I'm a jewel. I'm a Jew. And Barbara Wittenberg was like, yeah, I'm. I'm Jewish, you fucking asshole, dude. And I'm like, what? Oh. Oh, okay. You know, I'm just kidding. You know. Here, do you want them? You put them on her nipples. It'd be so great if you would have stayed in character just like, lewis, I'm Jewish. You're like, oy, V. Okay. Today's show is brought to you by yo. 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All right, let's go. Let's get our first song going, guys. Come on. And you don't have to. They don't have to see the lyrics. We can just sing the song and you can bring up different Christmas images during it for the fans. Like maybe different versions of Dancer. Oh, Jay, you're doing Prancer and Vixen. Yeah, I'm doing the boys and men. Comet and Cupid. Oh, yeah. Donner Blitzen. All y'all call the most famous reindeer them all. He talks slow. Go back. Go back one page. I'm gonna do it as slow as he does it. But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all? Rudolph the red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose and if you ever saw it, you would even say it glow like a light bulb of the other reindeer Used to laugh and call him names. Silly faggot. Never let poor Rudolph joining any reindeer games like knicker knocking. Then one foggy Christmas Eve Santa came to. Oh, he's gonna make him earn it his underwear. Rudolph, with your nose so bright Won't you guide my sleigh tonight? And how the reindeer loved him. Hypocrites. As they shouted out with glee. Whoopee. Rudolph the red nosed reindeer. You'll go down in his story like a tale of a haunt Christmas Eve they're extending it. Oh. Because they were like, yeah. All right. Shake your butt on top of it. Under the radar. Great at this. Well, by the way, it really is a story of like, well, we need him now, so be cool. Oh, he's great. No, you're great. Oh, you're awesome. Oh, hey, dude, would you mind leading the charge here through this foggy night? Yeah. Oh, dear God, I hope Rudolph crashes directly inside of a mountain. Yeah, well, Christmas would be ruined. But worth it, right? His nose goes on the fritz, scrapes his nose off. It's like when you kill a. When you kill a lightning bug, you just scrape it on the ground. Hold it. Yeah, I got Rudolph's nose. They just find the nose. Like the black box on an airplane. The only thing that survived was the blinking nose. Then they'll use Artie, and Artie can guide the sleigh after Rudolph, Artie the flat nose reindeer had a really weird, gross nose. And if you ever saw it, like, already. You have enough money to go to a doctor. Give that fake. Yes. I think they can make fake cartilage if you go overseas. Artie the flat nose weirdo. Fix that, please. We love already, by the way. So worried about him. My favorite thing about Arty's flat nose is watching black people react to it. Like they're just finding out it made its way to world star. Yeah. No. No, it didn't. It's just comments. It's him in court. They react to Arty's nose. Like, to do magic tricks. Oh, no, it's great. No, it's flowing. It's flowing. So, yeah, it's just simple Squidward. I'll tell you what. You know how black people react to magic? If you literally, if you took Artie's nose and, like, pulled the. Pulled it out to make it look normal, and you go, hey, black guys, look at this. Oh, damn. Hell no. Need a devil. He the devil. I don't know what surgery already looks like. He can just blow on his thumb and it would just pop out. I don't know why. If it's empty inside, why doesn't he do something about, like, you know, like, puck it out? I bet. I bet he's thought about this. Oh, sure. I'm sure he's been considering his options. Just maybe you should hire somebody with a string. Put two threads or something ahead of him and pulls it a little bit. I said put a couple of thimbles in his nose or something. I don't know. It's hard to see how it looks like a ghost is pressing him on his nose. It looks like a Muppet. Like a Muppet character. What happened, though? How does that happen? He actually just carries a pane of glass in front of him. That's exactly it. It looks like a hockey player. I can't carry a pane of glass in front of him at all times. Oh. He's like. It's like a freeze frame of somebody getting punched in a bush. It's so weird. Yeah, yeah. Phantom camera. Did you ask how that happened? Yeah. How does that happen? He accidentally snort broken glass. It wasn't accidentally. It was very unparalleled. It was called 1980. Awesome. He broke up pills with salt shake. But no, no, that. The deviated. The. The broken down septum like that is from using cocaine for years and years. One time heroin, too. He snorts heroin. Yeah. But I'm saying, how does that happen? He has no septum. He has no septum. So. But just all of a sudden, like, you wake up one day like that, or you do like a line and just collapse. Do you know what I mean? I don't even know what happened. There was a moment, right. Where it has to go from being a normal. Sure. But there's no one really there hanging out with him. You just watch it go. Yeah. Something different. What happened? He goes, do I have a. I have a white head or something in my eye? What is. He goes, what is that? Cake or something? Cake right here. He goes, your nose just imploded. Looks like he's about to go to another universe. But that's the beginning. Looks like somebody put a vacuum cleaner up his ass. No. Ah. Is it a hack now to talk about how Die Hard is not a Christmas movie? Yeah, I think it is, right? It's well trod. We could talk about it, but I tweeted it last night, and I thought this was the most original thought ever. I was like, anyone who says diehard's a Christmas movie and there's memes and people are like, yeah. They lose their minds. Yeah. It's like. It's hot. I'm happy to talk about it. You know, I don't care what people think. Both sides are just lame at this point. It's like anyone that talks, anyone that posts, like, my favorite Christmas movie, Die Hard, it's like, all right, well, that's not a personality. That's. Yeah, that's like. Yeah, it's an. I don't know how you're absorbing the ether. Yeah. I can't put my finger on why that person sucks. Yeah. Because they don't have a thought. They have a reaction. This is like. This is the button I hit right now. Like, that's it. They're useless. Yeah. And it's like Die Hard. It's like the knock, knock joke of Christmas movies. Like, it's. It makes no. Someone who doesn't have the courage to fail. Like, and it's just hoping that people are going to engage in it and be angry. It's going like, what do you think about that? And then hoping you get an angry response. Die Hard's not a Christmas movie. I'll tell you why. Okay. And I'll say this right now. We are just gonna do it. We're gonna do it anyway. But not only that, I want to say Die Hard. Gremlin. They're saying Gremlins is a Christmas movie. The Christmas theme is a lot more prevalent in Gremlins. Lethal Weapon. They're saying it's a Christmas movie. I didn't even know that took place. Does that take place during. Yeah, he almost. He almost kills that guy in his front yard at Christmas. Yeah. So just because it takes place at Christmas time, I don't think that should automatically be a Christmas movie. Yeah. If you can make that movie happen in August and it makes almost no difference. I think if Christmas doesn't play something central to the theme. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. I completely agree. I'm gonna give Lethal Weapon Christmas movie because it's starring Mel Gibson and he hates Jews. That is true. So it's a preque. He loves. He loves one of them now. Well, but Gremlins. Doesn't the kid's dad die dressed as Santa in the chimney? Yes. Christmas is a recurring theme, remember? Yeah. Is that central to the films? What? No. It doesn't happen during the movie. It's a story. So I. I had a. My son loves Gremlins. And there's a scene in the movie where Phoebe Kates, she talks about how f her father. Oh, she was so hot back in the day. She talks about how her father she. The reason she found out out James isn't out there. Right. And the audio is not on. I just want to make sure. The reason she found out that Santa's not real s Not real. Santa's not real. The reason she found out black. The reason she found out that Santa wasn't real. Oh, I'm going to give everyone. Is there a bomb for everyone? She all bombs. I think that was just trying to say weird things to my kid. You're like, is it hard to talk about Die Hard as a Christmas movie? Then you put a bomb explosion into your. Keep them coming. We Traffic on the 405 is looking a little ridiculous. First of all, Shane, my Soundboard is ironically hacked. You realize what I'm going for here? It's iron ironic. Okay, this is not soundboard. It's because Lewis is ironically hacked. Nice vest, dork. This is what I love about Lewis, is he walks, watched me and Zach watch him, make sure his kid wasn't in the room first before he made those comments. Terrible. And he still got angry about it. Terrible. I like that you did that. That's nice. That's sweet. So, no, but the reason that Phoebe, Kate's character found out that Santa wasn't real was because she tells a story about how her dad was missing for, like, two days on Christmas and nobody knew where he was. And then they started smelling something coming from the chimney. And then they pulled out his carcass because he dressed up as Santa and they pulled his dead car. He broke his neck. It's for no reason. Like, it's like Gizmo's, like, being all cute. And then they do a sad up scene, a really morbid scene for no reason in the middle of the movie that's, you know, that was written by a guy. They're like, do we really want him punching this up? Look, it's dark. Is this the same guy? You can pull it up. It's fine. Audible's best of 2024 picks are here. Discover the year's top audiobooks, podcasts and originals in all your favorite genres, from memoirs and sci fi to mysteries and thrillers. 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No, no, no. And instead they pulled out my father. What? I was. Dramatic scene. The puppeteer had to feign sadness with the gizmo. We didn't give the, we didn't give the cute one a sad face face. Can we make it, can we make it green? Can we throw some. Still smiling. You're right. Let's throw some eyebrows on Gizmo so we can tell. His ears go down, but he's still smiling. The cat dolls looks a little happy for this. Oh, see, I had forgotten the timeline of Gremlins. I always thought Gizmo was a Christmas gift. But he's a birthday gift, right? No, he's a Christmas gift. Is he? Yes, but that's, it's not necessary. Like it could. That's not. Can you do the movie without that? I think so. Yeah. I think so. I think you could do Home Alone without that story, to be honest with you. The mall to go somewhere, though. Vacation, family vacation. Yeah, they're rich. You see that house? I watched it the other day. Vacations. That movie is still good. I've been to that. Can I point out that house? That house would be a fucking billion. That is the nicest house I've ever seen in my entire life. That house about five times. Those people should have a restraining order on me. When I lived in Chicago, I visited it. I would just. It was about an hour and 20 minute bike ride away. So during the pandemic, just get some exercise, ride to the Home Alone house, hang out in front of it for a bit. I'll never be allowed to be with this many people again. You know, I, I want, I want to move on because I do want to talk about this amateur rapper killing five and injuring 40 while driving through a Christmas parade. That's fun. This is what happens when you celebrate Christmas too early. It is true. Let's see. Gotta wait till after Thanksgiving. Is that it? Is that the rule for you? No, no. Some people. I, I, yeah, I mean, I'm not. So I'm, I don't get so mad about it. I would drive through a crowd of people, but like, yeah, I think you got to wait till after Thanksgiving to. I think it should be. Yeah, the tree. The day after Thanksgiving should be the tradition. And I don't think that's anybody's specific tradition. I think the beginning of Christmas is the end of the Macy's Day Parade. When Santa Claus comes. Yeah, that should be the. That's the start. That's. Christmas is here. Santa has arrived. I agree. I like it. I completely Agree. What happened here? What is this? Christmas parade, first of all. Oh, what is the parade? Yeah. It's in Wisconsin. Yes. Yeah. So I can tell you a little bit about the guy. His name is Daryl Brooks Jr. He's 39. He's an amateur rapper. He had just been. He had just posted bail on November 19th of a thousand dollars on charges of battery, disorderly conduct, bail jumping, and resisting an officer. They believe that possibly on the day that he drove the car through the crowds that he was fleeing a knife attack, but that hasn't been confirmed yet. I can show you a video of him driving through the crowd. Let's see. I want to listen to one of his songs. I have one. Kill all the white people with my truck. Kill. I mean, I hate parades, to be honest with you. If there's one. If there's one thing that I want to see a truck driven through just a high school. Right? A bunch of high school marching bands. The best in their counties. Right. Some. Some local coups. They made the queen of the Thanksgiving festival. I play Quick training for the God's sake. Oh, it. It's. It stopped in the video. It's a different video than. I watched it. There is a version that they're playing on mainstream media that, like, stops right before the car hits anything. It's really horrific. Is annoying watching these people get mowed down. It's bad that it's 70 miles. Is that from above? Grand Theft Auto 3? Yes. What? It feels like he would have had four stars on him at that point. It went from zero stars to four stars when he takes out just one row of people holding floats and the other people float away. Take out, like, stupid. Take out the flute players because they're like, all the popular girls in high school. I have. I have one of his rap videos. I want to buy his album now. I mean, definitely. This is a great way to get your out. Was he playing his. Oh, yeah, here we go. Is that his eyebrow? Oh, no, that's a tattoo. You know what? I hate parades. Don't celebrate too early. Serenade my parade. See my parade. I'm gonna be mowing you down on my Escalade. It's not a charade. It's not a charade. Y'all gonna get played. I like drinking two punch Minute Maid. Don't celebrate Christmas. You didn't think to say Kool Aid till you see Santa Wa. Rap battle lost. That's his truck, too. That's the truck. He had to be. It's a red truck. He's the same one. His other red truck, Louis. That's his four other. He's an amateur rapper. I got nothing but red trucks. People know two things about me. I love red trucks and I hate parade. This could be gang related. I see some handkerchiefs. I see a lot of red. Maybe he is with the Bloods or the Crips. He definitely turned people into a lot of Crips. Can we. Do we have the. It was a Christmas. You got a Christmas. Merry Christmas, Crip snake. I feel like, man, there sure are a lot of elderly people and children at this crip spree. Like Scotty Pippen. When I'm here, I just go, you're just dunking it. You Michael Jordan. Is there any other video? Wait, I think so. Hold on. There's plenty of video. There's so many videos of this guy killing everybody. I mean, all I want to do is see video of this guy killing people and I cannot. Here is. Here's a good one here. This one like, you see like the little kids watching too. I think a little. A couple of kids got killed too. Really? 17, you know, those kids shouldn't have been there. They should have stayed home. Who's letting these kids come out? Whoa. Jesus. Oh, what a shitty. What a shitty. Right through the camera, girls. Was he also working the camera while driving? I gotta get this. Oh, shut up, lady. Shut up, White Karen. Jesus. All right. Get over it. Yeah, it's bad. Tis. So they're thinking that this is some sort of retaliation because it happened in Wisconsin. I mean, it's something that's pretty close to what happened, but it could just be the news just happened to be reporting on it and it just happened to be in Wisconsin. Did they arrest the guy? They. Yeah, they arrested him. They did. They, they. Well, they have him in custody. They haven't arrested him yet. They're holding him for questioning. Cuz he could just say it was an accident. Yo, I saw Go. That's what I would do. I would literally. I would regularly murder people with my car and be like, oh, I lost control. Yeah. Question. Was he playing the same music as the parade but a lot faster? And he didn't understand parade etiquette? The dude, it's beginning to look like Christmas. Hey, Christmas tree. Did you get one? I have a fake one. Yeah, we do fake, bro. Really? But I have a very, very nice fake Christmas tree that's pre shrun with the lights. It looks very real. Like it's beautiful. It's an expensive ass Christmas tree. This supply chain issues. We got one. It's not very good. We paid 175 bucks and you could see through it. Real tree or fake? Real tree. They're getting you. They got to bring them in from Canada. Now. This is a big problem. Supply chain issues. Yeah, I, I, I got the fake one a few years ago. It's just I don't like all the pine needles in my house. It's a good plan. And then you use it over and over. Yep. Yeah. Simple as that. Don't have to string the lights, which is the most annoying. Annoying lights are already on it. They're more prone to fire. Trees don't catch on fire anymore. Things. That's it. No, it'll be like. It kind of undoes. Like. Does yours undo like an umbrella? Kind of. Yeah. So it's three sections and then three. And they pull down and you. And then you fluff it. Yeah. What am I doing? I spent six hours. Pull up my Christmas tree from last year, please. On my Instagram show, Aaron, what a nice tree. Oh, I also, I. I just moved yesterday or two days ago. My new place looks great. It really looks great. Like, I. I don't want to trash my girlfriend. All right. What. What does that mean? What happened? She. Hot girls are just ruined. I don't know. What? No, she didn't ruin anything. She's great. Did she pick a different room for herself? Do you think it's excessive? Does she have half the house? I just. Hot girls are just. No. Wow, man. They're, They're. There's no other way to describe it. And I love her, and she's great, and she's noted, actually. But she might be. I say on stage all the time, my wife is. And she gets so upset, and then I'm like, just, here's a mirror. Just look. You're. I love her, but she's. Women's brains are made of squirrel droppings and tissue paper. They can't take stuff in. They don't have logic. They don't have leadership skills. This is what I'm expecting her to do. Scott does the right thing because he has a powerful girlfriend. Yeah. He knows to keep his mouth shut. Well, yeah. She's just kind of like a dude. Look at my tree. Look at my tree. It's a nice tree. That's from last year. Shannon, can you bring up my tree on my Instagram? That's a great tell. It's not real. Fake tree. It's a beautiful tree. Yeah, yeah. No, girl. Fake tree, too. Girls don't have a voice. My whole Life. Women don't have leadership skills. Right? So this why women don't you. You can teach them. But that's not a leader. In what situation do you need her to be? That is beautiful. Thank you. That does look nice. And where it is in the room is really nice, too. That's really nice. So I have to lead her into leading, which is crazy. Yeah. And then I get angry because I'm going like, well, I. I need you to take charge. I don't need me to be in charge of you being in charge. Charge. That's crazy. That is not leading. You can't teach to lead. Leading is leading. You're either a leader or you're not a leader. There's no leadership courses. And what was she supposed to be leading? Your move? Just like reading instructions. I said, what's this word here? Here's what I said. I was like, look, I can't. It's our move. It's not my move, Zach. Don't condescend me. Look at it. It's our move. Yeah, it's our move. I said, I need you to manage the tedious details of the move. Did you say it exactly like, yeah. And I was like, I will pay for movers. Yeah. I will pay for packers. All you have to do is manage these people. That should fly in my house. I. I mean, it. It was like. It was like I asked a cat to be in Georgia move. Ding dong, he packed his box. It. It was like, movers are here. One's black. She's under fridge. She's under the fridge. Shut in the fridge, sir. Where you want this couch? She'll be out in two or three days. Just leave food by there. Babe, will you unpack the kitchen? Oh, dude, you can't. I'm going to explain this, but. But it's my fault because if I. If I were talking to a cat in the kitchen, be like, okay, so you know the cat's not going to get it done. You'd be like, so you're the idiot. I'm the idiot. I'm the resort. Okay? If you go walked in and I'm just talking to my cat, being like, all right, so I need you to. I need you to contact the cable company tomorrow. And I'm telling to the cat, the cat. You be like, louis, cat's looking how hot it is on the computer, checking emails. You would be like, dude, what are you doing? Why are you talking to the cat and expecting this cat to be able to handle this? It's a cat. Let it Be a cat. That's what you would say to me? Yeah. So I'm crazy for treating this cat like it's a CEO. Why didn't you tell the boy to put that box? Yeah. If you're into Asian chicks, and this is going to sound hateful, but you know, you are. I didn't mean it like. It's not just Asian. I'm saying you see it a lot. You're right about that though. There is something weird about guys that are into Asian chicks. Old white dudes, a certain type of Asian. I'm not saying if you an Asian chick or if you're willing to be with an Asian chick, or even if you're dating an Asian chick, that's fine. I'm just saying if your thing, like I knew a dude who like his thing was Asian chicks and there's something. Some dudes have things like that. That's weird though. I'm dating an Asian chick, just going to say that's weird. But some d. It's not my thing. I love her. What the. Jesus Christ. Pull her up. Let's see. How old is she? How big are her feet? She couldn't tell.22, but she looks six. You know, doggy, first of all, I had no idea you were dating Asian chick. But let me ask you, American do you have. Now I'm on my heels. What the fuck? No, you're okay. Do you have a thing? Is that like what you will go for every time? No, that's what I'm saying. I understand exactly what you're talking about. There are dudes that have things like that. Yes, the things are weird. Yes, that's the fucking weird part. I just happen to, you know, we just happen to meet and fall in love. I'm. I'm all. I'm all over the place. Lights. I. I'm like United nations, baby. I love everybody. I casually dated an Asian chick a couple years ago. Casually. Okay, well, we, We. We hooked. Would you wear jeans a lot? When I say date, why are you wearing boot cut jeans again? Garamez casual. Is that your Asian? You do so many good voices. Don't do that. What are you doing? I'm sorry. Thanks. What's wrong with you? My boyfriend is taking me to Paris, you idiot. Well, no, she said Foley, you're taking me to par. Thank you so much, Foley. Somebody get Adult Swim on the phone over here. All right, let's get some French. Let's get some French music. We're. This is Foley and his girlfriend at a French restaurant ordering Their first lunch. They just got here. Their little jet leg. I'm the waiter. You're the waiter. I'm just girlfriend. It's going to be steak frites, I can tell you that. Boys, let's get some French cafe music. Hello, welcome to. Would you like. Would you like a Chinese menu? I have a Mandarin menu if you like. Who's that? Me or her? I'm a stand for this. It's ridiculous. You have to expose me from Tommy. You have to talk it to my boyfriend. That's French. That's her. Who am I with? Peter Sellers. Stinks. Oh, miss. She's Filipino American. Do you have any? Maybe poker? No, we do not have a. And I also have a. His French is okay. Welcome back. M F. Would you like the usual? 7 baguettes and a pound of yogurt. These are 5. He's a talented kid. I love. What are you. What's the plan? How long are you staying in France gonna be there? Till the 3rd of January. Leaving the 26th, hopefully. That's awesome. Yeah, I'm. I want to go to first trip. Never been out of the country. Never out of the country. You are trash. Trash. I just got my passport this summer. First time. Deep down trash. You've never even been to Canada. Never been to Canada. Canada. That's crazy. Never been to Canada. So whose idea was France? She's always wanted to go. She's always wanted to go at Christmas time. To be honest with you. You know the podcast started doing. Started. Started doing some numbers. We were out at a dinner. I was drunk and I said, hey, we're gonna go to Paris. Shot myself in the foot. What a terrible time to go. Oh, I'm hemmed up. It's probably expensive as hell. Expensive? We're tap toeing. Freezing. It's gonna be freezing. Covid to get locked down. Who the fuck. You should. You should freaking out. Can I give you a piece of advice? Postpone it. Postpone it. Can't right now. You can now. Can't why can't you? There's too many wheels in motion. She's too excited. She wants to go. I can't do it. Listen, because the Christmas thing is a big thing. They're going to shut it down. You and I'm concerned about this with Jamaica. Luckily Jamaica the only source of income they have because we're going January 24th and 28th. They just got tourists. We're not closing by. We're open the whole time. What do you mean? Omnicron. I care. The pineapples Are ripe. They're open for business. They aren't shutting Jamaica down now. I'm like, there's gonna be restrictions. They're gonna be. But they are not shutting down tourism. Because if they shut down tourism, the island, that's it. It's done. There's nothing else. They have France. Don't want us there to begin with. Yeah, exactly. I don't want my fat ass walking. I think France would be incredible in, like, June, July, like, you go during the summer. It's beautiful weather, the French Riviera. You drink some want. Of course. We're. Well, here's the thing. We're both big Christmas people. She really loves Christmas. She wants to see Paris at Christmas time. Why is that funny? Is you're an adult. I can't enjoy the holidays. I'm looking for Santi Claus. Listen. Yeah, that's what I do, you knucklehead. Two hours long. I can't sit next to this. That was just my regular voice. So what. What you eat for Christmas dinner? What? Snacking on Christmas dinner? I mean, to be honest, I smoked up a bunch of sativa yesterday. I had an edible. Okay. I made a smoothie. All right. She was like, there's tons of weed in the smoothie. Yeah. All right. All right. Keep going. Yeah. Some black jar heroin. And then for dinner, we just got some, like, vegan. Like, tie delivered. Some vegan. Tie deliver. So, yeah, that is, you know, not very festive. Not very f. That could have been any sign, but I don't have any children. I don't have a pet. I don't have a significant other. You know, Christmas isn't about that. That. It's about what, the birth of our Lord and Capricorn? Gigi Christ. What's it about? No, it's about, you know, celebrating times with the family. I don't know. Doesn't matter. Was there a tree involved? We didn't have a tree. No tree. She smoked them. Oh, that's funny. Did you watch something? Usually when something's funny, you laugh. You don't just go, oh, that is funny. I. I'll. I'll laugh more at that. Giggle, you dick. All right, all right, I'll give it up. See me giggling at your horseshit. You know, you missed. I miss one thing. Yeah. Keep popping your toy. I haven't stopped popping. I haven't stopped popping since you handed it to me, folks. That's true. Once you pop, you can't stop. Yeah, you're gonna have to throw that out because it's gonna smell like whatever Lewis's fingers touched. To be honest, I think why that would curb someone like Hitler is because there's a certain mindfulness that has to take place to continuously do that over and over. And it's just. You're can't do other stuff. I can. I've been podcasting at a very high level. I'm not saying that it actually kind of helps, like when you. When. When I podcast, I'll go like this or whatever. You play with something. So you're. Dude h the booth. You guys are doing great today. Dude, I just went like this new thing. Dude, cool. Dude. Dude. A mini dude. That's what you got to do it, dude. Honestly, that's what a salute is. They don't have the ball, the high. So Americans. Like, like, yo, yeah, yeah, yeah, like this? Yeah, dude, it's like a shark fin. It's a little half a dude. The salute used to be this and a wink used be. You get it? You know? You know, I do one of these, like. Oh, too slow, Brennan. What you snacking on? Christmas edition. You went home for the holidays. What am I not snacking on? I've gained about 40 pounds. Girl, girlfriend's house. What you do for the house holiday? Me and my lady, we went to. We went to my uncle's place, Sally, me and Brendan, where this is. I'm like, dude, you're dating a chick too hot for you. I'm dating a chick too hot for me. It's just the way life's got to be, baby. Every girl I date is too hot for me. Oh, humble. What I had. Oh, man, it was great. But what I was snacking on was these. That. That's why she likes you, dude. You're getting the giggles out. Yeah, I was eating her ass. No, I had those vanilla pretzels, you know, like the. The vanilla fudge covered pretzels with a peppermint sprinkle Vanilla fudge covered pretzels? Yeah, White chocolate pepper. White chocolate. So Christmy. Chocolate covered pretzels. Yes. I don't mind. It was so good, dude. I don't mind a little bit of peppermint thrown into my treatment. Yeah, I like it just enough. Only just a little bit, though. If they did that in June, I would kill somebody. Yeah. And you know, you don't need peppermint any other months. Imagine you should eat a candy cane in October. Yeah. Psychotic. Dude, Dahmer, I bet liked candy canes. Dude, imagine. Yeah, you go to the beach and someone's like, I brought candy canes. The Peppermint frosty is not bad though. Of the candy cane. No. Know when it has a peppermint frosting they make it through the summer. Who's getting a fr. Zach, you need to chill, dude. I just wanted the frosty. Frosty in the winter. You need to chill, dude. It's delicious. So cold. I've eaten ice cream this week. I can't even say that I haven't. Well, you were dead inside. Yeah. You didn't even celebrate Christmas. Yeah, you didn't. It's a sad thing. That's sad. You really made us sad. You bummed us out when you said vegan. Yeah, I'm sorry that this job has made me alone that really bummy ass vegan tired. I don't want to say anything. I move right on the burner. Going to no tree candy can covered chocolate. Tell us about the joy you're shoving in your face, please. So what else? What you have for dinner? What was this ham like? Like that ham with the dry skin around it. You are what you eat. Exactly. Yeah. I was actually the one on the table with the. With an apple in my mouth. Hell yeah. Dinner is ready. My sticking out. You look so much like a holiday ham. For sure her. That's literally what you look like. You my Christmas album. Dude. You naked is so Hamish. You pineapple slices tattooed. If you get a pineapple slice tattooed on your butt, I'll pay for it. It's so funny with the cherry in it. Dude, it's. I can't turn down a free tattoo. I was like, if you do it, I'll get one too. No, that like a hand ham. I know, but it's hilarious. I get something more offensive towards you. Yeah, yeah. Like. Like a fish in an ice cube. She's not really an Eskimo. Brussels sprouts made of merit. Made a very important appearance. Those were good chicken, Francis. That was good. Yeah. Sausage, all that. Who made this meal? My family. Your family? My family. I wish my family know to cook. I can't wait to get to my which is that I'm go Zach. Dude, my mom has zero idea how to cook. She used to like heat up burgers in a microwave and feed it. Really? Who cooked the meal? The burger? Oh, my aunts and uncles. Okay, so, yeah. What's up? Not important. But I am interested. What is Zach snacking on? Zack. Which I got. I got a. Which is killer snack from the last week or two. Say everything. Bagel, cashews. Everything bagel. Now is that a every. That's a Cashew. That tastes like an everything bagel. Or like they're little genetically modified bagels. Yeah, it's like. It's crazy. I was just eating bagels by the fistful. Trader Joe's makes it, but I got bagels. Bagels. I think it's called. Like, everything needs is like. It's like the generic brand. Yeah, it's cashews with everything bagel seasoning. Oh, phenomenal. I have a jar of everything bagel seasoning in my kitchen cupboard. I have a jar of everything bagels shoved into a jar. Everything bagel seasoning's bomb. Yeah. And on cashews, phenomenal. Solid. My entire week has been a nightmare. Okay. It's just been non stop, non stop eating. Just non stop eating. Every day it's been something new. That's fine. That's fine. You give yourself that and then you go, all right, I'm getting back on the horse. Yeah. Thursday. Thursday night is like, get off that side. I get that. It. Oh, dude. Yeah. I don't even. Where did I go Thursday night? Yeah, it was my last night with my chick. Oh, we celebrated. Yeah. So. All right, so we went to, like, a really nice restaurant on Wednesday. Then on Thursday we went to see a Broadway show. And afterwards we went to, like, a really nice, like, rooftop place with chick. You gotta take chicks. Nice places. You can't. And she's only in town for a few weeks, so I want to take her to. It was. Give her a reason to dress up. Yeah, it was our. It was our holiday dinner. Whatever. That was fine. So when you're eating, like, nice food, I don't feel as bad. But then it started to really fall apart. Why Friday? Friday comes. Because then she was gone. And he could be the animal that really lives inside. Yeah. So she's like a. She's a dancer and she's eating salads, and I. I'm like, you know, like, dude, I. I drink water around her. I hate water. I hate water so much, dude. I hate it. Why? It doesn't even you up? Like, why do we have this thing? How many of these we have to drink? It's crazy, dude. It's wild the amount of water you got to drink. Like an. Dude, it is eight. Eight bottles. They say it's. It's crazy, and I just don't do it. I drink a ton of coffee. Me too. If I'm at a meal, all I want is a Diet Coke. There's nothing fatter than Diet Coke. Coke. Yeah. It's like, just go all the way you're just. You're just saying, like, hey, I'm a fat piece of. And I know it. And I. I know it. I want everyone to know that I know that I'm a fat piece of. Hello. I know I'm out of control. I still need the soda. I need the sugar. I need whatever is in this Diet Coke. It's. It's sadder than regular soda. Somebody drinks a Coke zero. Somebody. Not because you could trick everyone into believing that it's a regular Coke, but it's the same. Dude. I know. I judge people who drink Diet Coke in public, and I do it, too. If I drink a Diet. You'll never see me drinking a Diet Coke in public. But when I get a Diet Coke, Louis will pour half of it into a glass every. Oh, really? I love it. The other day I had one out on the counter, and Lewis, not a word to anyone, just walks and sees it and pours half of it in a cup and starts drinking. I went, that's not yours. And he went. I was gonna ask. That was his justification, was he thought of asking. The fizziness. The fizziness. It's better than Coke. I've drank so much of it at this point that it tastes better than Coke. Coke to me. No, it's got a better bite. Yeah. So good. Dude, Coke is main vein pure. And if you can get a Mexican Coke, like, I'll butt chuck that. Mexican Coke is great. Coke is disgusting. A Coke out of a glass bottle and a Mexican Coke. Yes. Every time I. Incredible. Every time I take a sip of a Diet Coke, I go like. I don't even like it that much, but Coke, I'm like, I'm going back in. Burning your. No. Yeah, yeah. The hairs on my. He's tripping down the side. Sago, easy on the Pepsi.