RQ Original Feed Drop - Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Magnus Archives – "RQ Original Feed Drop - Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later"

Overview

In the September 30, 2024 release of The Magnus Archives, Rusty Quill presents an original episode titled "Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later", which serves as the inaugural installment of the Rusty Quill original show, Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later. This episode introduces a political sitcom set in ancient Rome, meticulously crafted by writer David K. Barnes. The narrative revolves around the tumultuous aftermath of Julius Caesar's assassination, highlighting the fragile alliances and power struggles among Rome's new leadership.

Plot Summary

The episode opens with Billy Hindle, the voice of Alice Dyer in The Magnus Protocol, introducing Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later. He sets the stage for "Cry Havoc", a political sitcom that delves into the complexities of Rome's leadership following Caesar's death. The storyline centers on key figures such as Gaius Octavius Caesar, Mark Antony, and Octavia, Gaius's sister, who lead the Palatine Players—a theatre company that satirizes political figures, including Gaius.

Act 1: The Triumph and Celebration

The narrative kicks off with Mark Antony delivering a rousing speech to his soldiers after a victorious battle against Brutus and Cassius. At [02:33], Antony praises his men, emphasizing their bravery and loyalty:

Mark Antony (02:38): "We did it, lads. We bloody did it... I mean, that was Pete performance."

Gaius Octavius Caesar, Caesar's adopted son, appears hesitant and unprepared for public speaking, leading to a humorous exchange where he struggles to contribute to the celebration speech ([04:21] – [05:27]). The episode juxtaposes Antony's charisma with Gaius's emotional restraint, setting up their contrasting leadership styles.

The celebration continues at Gaius and Antony's residence, where Fulvia, Antony's wife, expresses her desire for stability and power consolidation ([07:03] – [09:22]). Antony grapples with his promise to Fulvia to eliminate Gaius, reflecting his internal conflict between personal loyalty and political ambition.

Act 2: Governance Challenges

As the morning after the celebration dawns, Gaius and Octavia discuss their responsibilities and the state of Rome ([15:10] – [18:08]). The Palatine Players receive mixed reviews, with Octavia advocating for the arts as a means to keep the populace content, while Gaius remains skeptical of their effectiveness. The introduction of Lepidus, a bumbling yet well-connected figure, adds another layer of political intrigue ([18:21] – [19:16]).

A critical meeting takes place where Gaius proposes diplomatic negotiations with Queen Cleopatra of Egypt to address Rome's financial woes ([26:10] – [30:21]). His plan contrasts sharply with Antony's aggressive stance on seizing resources by force, leading to tension within the ruling triumvirate. Antony's inebriated state during the meeting underscores his reckless approach to governance, culminating in his public embarrassment ([30:05] – [31:24]).

Act 3: Cleopatra's Intervention

The episode reaches a climax with the unexpected arrival of Cleopatra, portrayed as a domineering and assertive ruler ([32:13] – [35:30]). Cleopatra confronts Cassius, leading to a tense standoff where loyalties and alliances shift dramatically. Cassius's betrayal and Cleopatra's assertive declaration of her authority add depth to the political landscape, hinting at future conflicts and power plays.

Character Analysis

• Mark Antony: Charismatic and impulsive, Antony embodies the traditional Roman warrior ethos but lacks strategic foresight. His inability to control his temper and emotions often undermines his leadership, as seen when he becomes intoxicated during critical meetings.

  Mark Antony (02:38): "Rome is proud of each and every one of you here today."

• Gaius Octavius Caesar: Intelligent and contemplative, Gaius struggles with the political machinations around him. His reluctance to engage in public speaking and his reliance on rational solutions contrast with Antony's brashness.

  Gaius Octavius Caesar (10:09): "No, this doesn't make any sense. What did it say in that other one?"

• Octavia: A complex character balancing societal expectations with personal desires. Her involvement in the theatre serves as both a personal passion and a political tool, highlighting the intersection of art and power.

  Octavia (16:03): "It's my theatre company. But I pay for it."

• Cleopatra: Assertive and authoritative, Cleopatra challenges the existing power structures, setting the stage for future confrontations. Her interactions reveal her as a formidable political player.

  Cleopatra (32:35): "You can't treat me like this. I am Egypt's king. I outrank you."

Notable Quotes

• Mark Antony on Victory ([02:38]):

  "We bloody well showed him a thing or two, didn't we, eh?"

• Gaius Octavius Caesar on Responsibility ([12:03]):

  "Do you think he really wanted to be a king?"

• Cleopatra on Authority ([33:12]):

  "You can't treat me like this. I am Egypt's king. I outrank you."

• Brutus on Roman Customs ([09:19]):

  "Now."

Themes and Insights

• Power and Leadership: The episode explores different leadership styles and the inherent conflicts that arise from them. Antony's charismatic but reckless approach clashes with Gaius's thoughtful and diplomatic methods.

• Loyalty and Betrayal: Personal loyalties, such as Antony's connection to Gaius and Fulvia's expectations, are tested against political ambitions and betrayals, particularly in Cleopatra's takeover.

• Public Image vs. Reality: Characters like Mark Antony present a strong public persona while grappling with personal shortcomings, highlighting the discrepancy between image and reality in leadership.

• Art as Political Commentary: Octavia's theatre company serves as a medium for political satire, illustrating how art can reflect and influence societal and political dynamics.

Conclusion

"Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later" successfully introduces a richly woven narrative set against the backdrop of ancient Rome's political landscape. Through its engaging dialogues and dynamic character interactions, the episode sets up a compelling storyline filled with power struggles, personal conflicts, and political intrigue. The arrival of Cleopatra hints at escalating tensions and the potential for dramatic shifts in power, ensuring listeners are eagerly anticipating future episodes.

Noteworthy Production Elements

• Voice Acting: The episode features a stellar cast, including Sarah Lambie, Kazim Tosin, Ryan Hope via Anderson, and more, each bringing depth and nuance to their respective characters.

• Sound Design and Scoring: The seamless integration of sound effects and musical scores enhances the immersive experience, effectively conveying the grandeur and tension of ancient Rome.

• Writing and Direction: David K. Barnes's sharp writing and Amani Zardo's direction culminate in a cohesive and engaging narrative, balancing humor with political drama.

Final Thoughts

For fans of historical fiction and political dramas, "Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later" offers a captivating blend of humor, strategy, and character development. Rusty Quill’s production ensures a high-quality listening experience, making it a standout addition to The Magnus Archives series.

To explore more episodes of Cry Havoc! Ask Questions Later, search for it on your preferred podcast platform or visit www.rustedquill.com.

Transcript

[Billy Hindle]

Hi there, Billy Hindle, the voice of Alice Dyer in the Magnus Protocol. Today we are sharing with you the first episode of our very own Rusty Quill original show, Cry Ask Questions Later. Cry Havoc is a political sitcom written by David K. Barnes, set in ancient Rome. Julius Caesar is dead, but Rome's new leaders just can't get along. Gaius Caesar's heir is a stressed control freak. Mark Antony is charismatic but deeply irresponsible. Rome is on the verge of collapse, and they desperately need to schmooze Queen Cleopatra of Egypt to try and save it. There's also Gaius sister Octavia. She's meant to be a respectable Roman lady, but she drinks too much, sleeps with other women, and most scandalous of all, she likes theatre. Her company, the Palatine Players, stage comedies making fun of her brother. And a new actress has caught Octavia's eye. You may recognize some familiar voice talents from the Magnus Protocol in Cry Havoc, including Sarah Lambie, Kazim, Tosa Nomore, Ryan Hope via Anderson, Harry Roebuck, Ellie Dickens and more. You can listen to more episodes of this series by searching for Cry Ask Questions later, wherever you listen to podcasts or by clicking the link in the show notes. For more information, visit www.rustedquill.com. have fun and enjoy the episode.

[Brutus]

Not long ago, in a distant land, there lived a warrior of great and noble deeds. He wished to rule the people of his city as their king. But his friends didn't think it was a good idea. So they killed him. That's right, isn't it?

[Cassius]

Broadly.

[Brutus]

I don't want to get the facts wrong.

[Cassius]

Don't worry about those. Just tell me the story.

[Brutus]

All right. Well, they ran away. The killers, I mean. To the plains of Philippi. There, they raised an army. They knew they'd soon be followed, for two men sought revenge against their crime. Two men forged in opposites. The first strong of muscle, the second, strong of mind, united in common cause.

[Cassius]

And what did these two men do?

[Brutus]

Basically, they won.

[Mark Antony]

We did it, lads. We bloody did it. All right, all right. Now, you know I'm not much of a speaker. I never even passed my Latin. But if any occasion deserves a few words, it's this one. Because you boys were incredible out there. I mean, that was Pete performance. Rome is proud of each and every one of you here today. And that goes double for me. This was no ordinary war. We fought no foreign enemy. These were Romans, like you and me. Some may have even been our friends once. I wouldn't have blamed you for finding this one a struggle. If you put down your swords and said this far and no further, but each of you put his duty first. You fought like lions. And Brutus may have been an honorable man, but we bloody well showed him a thing or two, didn't we, eh? My old mate Julius is looking down upon us. And he saw justice done this day. And here, standing with me at my side, is his very own son. He fought with us. Is your friend and mine. He's Gaius Octavius Caesar.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Hello, everyone.

[Mark Antony]

Oh, son of the divine Julius Caesar, inheritor of his titles and estates. Have you anything to add on this day of victory?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Me?

[Mark Antony]

Yes. Anything on this august occasion?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No, No, I think you just about covered everything. Yep.

[Mark Antony]

What's the matter?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

There's just so many of them just looking at me and over. I've lost my voice.

[Mark Antony]

You lose more than your voice if you don't say something inspiring. Well, go on, give me some.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

That is to say, I have nothing else to add but well done, you men. Well done.

[Mark Antony]

Yes, well, the son of the divine Julius has spoken. And now that's done with, we celebrate. Who wants to go and get hammered?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

That went well, I thought.

[Mark Antony]

Yeah, sure. What a planned.

[Brutus]

Rome's enemies lay vanquished in the field, and there were no more left to fight. Mark Antony and Gaius Octavius had won. Rome was theirs to rule. And that's when their troubles would really begin. Rusty Quill presents Cry Havoc Ask Questions Later Episode one After Caesar, the armies returned to Rome in triumph. And there was much rejoicing. General Mark Antony embraced his loving wife, the model of a Roman woman, Fulvia.

[Fulvia]

Mark.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Oh, Mark.

[Fulvia]

I missed you so.

[Mark Antony]

And I missed you, my love.

[Fulvia]

How'd it go out there?

[Mark Antony]

Fine. It was dead easy. You'd have loved it. Lots of big handsome men working up a sweat.

[Fulvia]

No problems with the army?

[Mark Antony]

They'll do whatever I tell them.

[Fulvia]

So it's over then? Rome is ours?

[Mark Antony]

Yep. She can't keep her hands off me, lads. The Senate's already ratified it. As from now, I'm running the show.

[Cassius]

Yes.

[Fulvia]

Finally we can get things done around here. Just you and me. Oh, Mark.

[Mark Antony]

I mean, it's a bit more complicated, but basically, yes.

[Fulvia]

What do you mean? Are you in charge or not?

[Mark Antony]

Yeah, absolutely. Me and Gaius.

[Fulvia]

You and Gaius?

[Mark Antony]

Yeah. Julie's boy.

[Fulvia]

I know who he is. You said you were going to kill him.

[Mark Antony]

I know. Yeah, I know. I know. Hey, Mark. You're the. Yes, I am. Thank you.

[Fulvia]

You promised me you kill him.

[Mark Antony]

I can't do that.

[Fulvia]

Why not?

[Mark Antony]

Cuz Julie was a mate of Mine. You don't kill your best mate's son, no matter how annoying he is.

[Fulvia]

Adopted son. You owe him nothing.

[Mark Antony]

Oh, he's harmless. He's a whelp. There's nothing he can do to us.

[Fulvia]

Kill him.

[Mark Antony]

No. We're still a republic. I can't just take it over by myself, can I?

[Fulvia]

How do you know if you won't try?

[Mark Antony]

Julie tried. And look what happened to him. Is that what you want for me? Lying in a forum with swords in my back? Thank you very much.

[Fulvia]

You should rule. You deserve it. Rome deserves it. Quite frankly, I deserve it.

[Mark Antony]

Look, look, look. Don't worry. It's all working exactly as we wanted it. I am in charge. I'm Mark Anthony. They love me.

[Fulvia]

And Gu.

[Mark Antony]

The boy's a wash out. He's got no clue at all. You wait. I've got him wrapped around my little finger, just like I'm wrapped around yours.

[Fulvia]

You better be right.

[Mark Antony]

When have I ever been wrong?

[Brutus]

Now.

[Mark Antony]

Keep kissing me. They're still watching.

[Fulvia]

No, they're not.

[Mark Antony]

Well, pretend they are.

[Brutus]

The celebrations continued long into the night. Some say the Romans go to war so they can justify the orgy afterwards. Some say I do. Yeah. And the more blood spilt, the more they enjoy it. Sort of like a fetish. But one man sat alone, away from the throne. Gaius Octavius didn't know how to party. He only knew how to think.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No, this doesn't make any sense. What did it say in that other one?

[Mark Antony]

Gaia.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

What? Oh, hello, Mark.

[Mark Antony]

What are you doing? Come and join the gang.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Oh, later, maybe later. Mark, come and take a look at this. Look.

[Mark Antony]

You're working.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yeah, I thought I'd get a head start. Look what I found. It's maddening.

[Mark Antony]

Can I sit?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Sure, let me just.

[Mark Antony]

My son's around here somewhere. I told him to spend the night with his grandparents. Fulvia and I want some privacy tonight.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Good. O. You see here, I found an executive summary from our governor in Syria. And in it he says.

[Mark Antony]

Have some wine.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

What?

[Mark Antony]

Wine.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Oh, thank you. Anyway, he says, the governor, they're paying far more in interest to the publicani than we're actually making back in taxation.

[Mark Antony]

Really?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yes. And they're still running up debts like you wouldn't believe. And the magistrates collecting a backhander. I mean, we have to stop this. It's appalling.

[Mark Antony]

Guy. Yes? Put your papers down and understand one simple thing. We did it.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

What?

[Mark Antony]

Rome. Us. We did it.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

We did it.

[Mark Antony]

We did it.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

We did it. I guess we did it. Didn't we?

[Mark Antony]

Now you're thinking straight. You know why they're all happy tonight. Those people. Our people. You know why?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Tell me.

[Mark Antony]

Because we get stuff done, my friend. We get stuff done. That's what we do. We're unstoppable.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Well, I'll drink to that. To the republic.

[Mark Antony]

If you like.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Do you think Caesar. I mean, my father. My new father. Still feels weird, by the way.

[Mark Antony]

You'll get used to it.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Do you think he really wanted to be a king?

[Mark Antony]

Doesn't matter.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No.

[Mark Antony]

No, what does matter is the scum who killed him are dead and in the ground, and we're still here. How many did you kill?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Eh?

[Mark Antony]

The enemy. How many?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Oh, I lost count. You?

[Mark Antony]

269. Nice.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

What is.

[Mark Antony]

Never mind, young guys. It's all over now. No more civil wars for us. You're not much of a fighter on the quiet, are you? Well, it's okay. You don't have to be. You're the son of Caesar, right? The men respect that.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yes.

[Mark Antony]

But I know how you feel.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

You do?

[Mark Antony]

Oh, yeah. I was new once. Rome's a tough world. Hard to be the bloke who doesn't get his head kicked in.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I suppose so, yes.

[Mark Antony]

But, look, for whatever reason, Julie adopted you to be his son. And that means something. I don't know what, but it does. And sure as his divine spirit is looking over us, I just want you to know that I'm looking out for you, too. It's going to be okay.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Thanks, Mark. That means a lot.

[Mark Antony]

No worries, friend. And in the days ahead, when it's all going on, doing this and that, well, you know, you can leave it to me. If you ever need to. All this. It's never too much trouble, right?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yeah.

[Mark Antony]

Good. Now, come on. It's time to enjoy yourself. Plenty of fish in the sea looking for a hot, strong war hero tonight.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I was just thinking.

[Mark Antony]

It can wait till tomorrow.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

It's simply that.

[Mark Antony]

No. Come on. We've won. Right now, you and me are the most powerful men in the world. We own the entire Republic of Rome.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yes. So what are we going to do with it?

[Cassius]

You never met Julius, did you?

[Brutus]

No. Well, I served him dates once, but we never spoke. What was he like, if you don't mind me asking?

[Cassius]

Caesar. He was honest in his own way.

[Brutus]

Do you think he'd have made a good king?

[Cassius]

The Romans don't believe in them, to be honest. Nor do I. On that subject, when is our visitor arriving?

[Brutus]

I believe their ship docked nearby not too long ago. Should I leave you to prepare oh, no, no.

[Cassius]

I'm ready for him. Would you like a honey cake?

[Brutus]

Are you sure? Thank you. Mmm.

[Cassius]

Resume your story. It helps me to think. Where were we.

[Brutus]

The morning after? It was a new dawn for Rome, free from internal strife. Gaius Octavius and Mark Antony were due to meet to begin their governance in earnest, and Gaius was well prepared. He doubtless spoke of it with his sister Octavia, known to all as the epitome of virtue.

[Mark Antony]

Hey, guys.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Morning.

[Octavia]

Oh, don't talk too much. I'm still a bit trashed. What time is it?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Sundial's outside if you want to look.

[Octavia]

Didn't see you out celebrating last night. Surprise, surprise. Can't even show up for your own party.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I was there briefly.

[Octavia]

You do know it was all for you?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

It was for the armies of Rome and their commanders.

[Octavia]

Including you.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

But mainly Mark.

[Octavia]

Well, of course they like him.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Where's the new girl? She's meant to have tied it up in here. Look at my desk. It's filthy.

[Octavia]

She's still in bed.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

In bed?

[Octavia]

Yes. Leave her, Gaius. We had a very long night.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I see.

[Octavia]

I think she'll work out.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Not interested, to be honest. Thank you, Octavia.

[Octavia]

Oh, don't be such a prude. You'd understand if you could only find yourself a knife. To anyone.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Perhaps I'm pickier than you are. It'd be impossible not to be, wouldn't it?

[Octavia]

What is all this, anyway? Reading anything good?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Corsican tax revenue for the past five years. Very important.

[Octavia]

I'm sure it is. I know how your heart leaps at the sight of a finely written receipt.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I have responsibilities now. You may not have noticed. Oh, and I found this amongst my papers. If you could keep your hobbies away from my work.

[Octavia]

What is it?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

The Palatine Players began their new season with a riotous revival of Plautus's comedy classic, Asanaria. Or the one with the asses, which in this critic's opinion, has really been blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[Octavia]

No, no, no, keep reading. It's a good review.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

The one with the asses. I hope you mean donkeys.

[Octavia]

We'll see the play and find out. We've been doing ever so well lately. Sell out nights across the board. Though I sometimes think we rest on our laurels, pardon the phrase.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

It's just a theatre company.

[Octavia]

It's my theatre company.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No, it isn't.

[Octavia]

But I pay for it. That makes it my company. You wanted me to be a patron of the arts and I'm doing it.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

It's the wrong sort of art. I should have had that bunch of parasites shut down years ago.

[Octavia]

You can't. They're too popular.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

But they're always slipping in jokes about me.

[Octavia]

Yeah, naturally. They get the biggest laughs, Gaius, if you give the people entertainment and a way to blow off steam now and then.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Then you make them restless.

[Octavia]

You make them happy. I'm sure I'm doing more for Rome with my plays than you are with all your dull reports.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Stop it. That's my intro. What is it?

[Mark Antony]

Hello there.

[Lepidus]

Only me.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Oh, Leopardus. Good morning.

[Lepidus]

Your servants let me in. Not disturbing you, am I?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No, not at all. Please, make yourself at home. We'll be setting up in the dining room. Oh.

[Lepidus]

Going to eat, are we?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No, sorry.

[Lepidus]

Oh, shame. Still raring to go. Getting stuck in.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

What? That's right. In you go. Won't be a moment.

[Octavia]

Lepidus. Seriously, Lepidus. He's in the gang.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

He was a key part of our victory.

[Octavia]

But he's such a fool.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Even fools have their uses. Especially when they're well connected.

[Octavia]

Does Mark know about this? He'll hit the roof. He'll tear the old man apart.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No, he won't. He knows already, I think.

[Octavia]

Why bother with Mark, anyway? He's popular, but he doesn't know the first thing about government.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Now, that isn't fair. I spoke to him last night. He may be full of himself, yes, but he cares about Rome. And he's taken this very seriously. I know he is.

[Octavia]

Oh. So why isn't he here yet?

[Brutus]

Mark Antony was nearby. He'd been waylaid by friends. That was all.

[Mark Antony]

Now, someone pour me a proper drink. Oh, hang on. Duty calls. It's my first day at work, don't you know? You'll show the moves, boss? You bet I will. Wish me luck, lads. What I do, I do for Rome. When are we getting paid? What's that? It's just after the campaign we just had and everything. You see, sir, none of us are wealthy men. And we were sort of looking forward to getting what's owed to us. What's owed to you? Yeah, like the rest of our wages. And the bonus you mentioned. We all want to buy some land to call our own, you see. Settle down, run farms, raise our family. Right. Yes, and not being funny or anything, but there's not much food kicking about and we're all hungry. Yeah, you can hardly even find bread these days. Well, yes, of course. Wages, land, food. Goes without saying. Yeah. So when do you reckon we might get all that? We know you won't let us down, sir. No, no, I will not do that. No, definitely not. It's just that he's letting us down.

[Brutus]

No, no, no, no, no.

[Mark Antony]

On the contrary, my friends. On the contrary. You see, I'm going to. I'm. I'm going into that meeting right now. Two to the first of a new and improved Republic to sit with. Excuse me. With Gaius Octavius, the son of the divine Julius Caesar. And I will see to it personally that you will get your money and food and everything you need immediately, Straight away. Now, how. How's that sound? Okay, that worked. Now, which way am I going?

[Brutus]

As the general sought out the home of Gaius Octavius, his new colleagues awaited him with eager anticipation.

[Lepidus]

Oh, my aunt was asking after you.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Sorry?

[Lepidus]

My Aunt Claudia. She wanted to know if you were keeping well.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Oh, good.

[Lepidus]

I said you were.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yes.

[Lepidus]

Hope that's all right. You know, saying that.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Sure. Ah, good.

[Lepidus]

Thought I might have said, too much careless talk costs lives and all that.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I. Sure, yeah. Good thinking.

[Mark Antony]

Finally. I swear, this hill isn't normally here.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Ah, Mark. Good morning.

[Mark Antony]

There he is, my boy. Good to see you, friend. Exciting, yeah? All this exciting.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yes, it is. You know Lepidus, of course.

[Mark Antony]

What? Oh, yeah. Morning. Sorry.

[Lepidus]

That's all right.

[Mark Antony]

Grand. So.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Take a seat.

[Mark Antony]

Yes, now that you mention it. Cheers. Any of them?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Anyone? Yep.

[Mark Antony]

Wow. That's better.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Okay, I think we'll start. Oh, do help yourself to refreshments. And there's a bowl of grapes there if anyone's hungry.

[Mark Antony]

I'll take those. Oh, absolutely starving. Blimey.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Mark, I'm not trying to put you on the spot here, but are you drunk?

[Mark Antony]

Well, I might be. Who can say?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I mean, we can, because you look really drunk.

[Mark Antony]

I can keep up with the chat, don't you worry. The Cogs are worried.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Are you sure?

[Mark Antony]

Yeah. Crack on.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Okay. Well, greetings, both of you, to what I'm sure will be the first of many stimulating and productive meetings about the running of our glorious Republic.

[Mark Antony]

Yes. Stirring stuff.

[Lepidus]

Oh, yes. Top drawer.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Thank you. We are. We are great men. I, Gaius Octavius, son of the divine Julius Mark Antony, General of the armies of Rome.

[Mark Antony]

That's me.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

And Aemilius Lepidus, without whom we could never have raised the capitol to raise the armies. The Roman state owes you a great deal.

[Lepidus]

Oh, pleasure, pleasure. Nice to be involved.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

The future prosperity of the Roman Republic now rests between the three of us. And we will succeed.

[Mark Antony]

Wait, hold on. This bloke's working with us?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yes.

[Mark Antony]

You mean he's in charge, like us?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

What did you think he was doing here?

[Mark Antony]

I Thought he was the secretary, like, taking the minutes.

[Lepidus]

No, I can do that, too, if it'd be useful.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No, no, that's fine. Mark. We agreed that Lepidus would join us. That's what the Senate ratified yesterday. We're a triumvirate.

[Mark Antony]

A what?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Triumvirate. Three of us. To make sure that supreme power never gets concentrated in one person. They think it's safer that way.

[Mark Antony]

Three of us?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yes. Well. Are you all right, Mark?

[Mark Antony]

Oh, Carry on.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Okay. Well, as the ruling triumvirate of the Republic of Rome, we face many challenges, as we all know.

[Mark Antony]

Yes.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

We must strive to meet them for the good of the people of Rome. And also to be fair for us.

[Mark Antony]

So, land.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

What?

[Mark Antony]

They want to buy land. The soldiers. And food. Money and food.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Right. Well, that is actually at the top of our agenda today. Thank you, Mark, Welcome. Thanks to Lepidus, we covered the initial costs of our most recent campaign against the killers of my late divine father.

[Lepidus]

Lovely man.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Yep. But now we need to pay off the rest of it to the tune of approximately 300 million sesterces.

[Mark Antony]

How much?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

It's a big army. It costs a lot.

[Mark Antony]

Hmm.

[Lepidus]

What have we got in the coffers?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Not much. In fact, not only are we low on money, we are also facing a massive food shortage.

[Mark Antony]

Oh, dear. You're joking.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No. So, while we tackle that growing problem, we're also looking for a way to settle our account with the armies before they get restless. Lepidus, do you have any ideas on that front?

[Lepidus]

Ah, now, I was thinking about this, and, no, I haven't. Nothing.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Okay.

[Lepidus]

Sorry.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No, it's a tough problem.

[Lepidus]

I suppose Rome wasn't built in a day, huh?

[Mark Antony]

Was it? Look, the way I see it, we need stuff, right? And we don't have it.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Correct.

[Mark Antony]

Then let's take it from people who do. Simple.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Well, actually, as it happens, I've been looking through our treaties with neighboring kingdoms, and I think Egypt is the best shout done. As we can see from the treaty, they've got grain and gold aplenty. And they might even have land for any men who want to live there.

[Lepidus]

Oh, living abroad. Nice idea.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

So I move that we open diplomatic channels with Queen Cleopatra immediately. All in favor?

[Mark Antony]

Diplomatic channels? I'm not talking about having a talk. I'm talking about not talking and acting.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Instead, I'm sure Cleopatra will be amenable to our needs after some. Some polite conversation.

[Mark Antony]

That Egyptian harlot. You can't trust her.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

The Egyptian queen? Yes, we can, mate.

[Mark Antony]

We've garrisoned in Egypt. We can Take what we need by force.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

We had to recall our men from Egypt to fight at Philippi.

[Mark Antony]

Well, send them back. We can win any war. Our armies are unbeatable.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

These would be the armies we haven't paid yet for the last war they fought for us.

[Lepidus]

Yeah, I don't suppose they'd take it on credit.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I doubt it. I say if we want the resources of Egypt, then diplomatic overtures to Cleopatra is the best way forward at the present time. All in favor?

[Mark Antony]

May one speak, please?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Everyone's opinion here is equally important. Go ahead.

[Mark Antony]

Your idea stinks.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Right?

[Mark Antony]

We are Romans. We don't ask if we need something, we take it. That's the way it's always been, and.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I'm sure it will be again. But right now we've got to regroup, to rebuild so we can write this out.

[Mark Antony]

And how long will that take?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I expect a few months. That's why we need to start.

[Brutus]

Months?

[Mark Antony]

Those men out there won't wait months. They need paying now, Mark.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Rome hasn't any money. It hasn't any food. We have nothing to offer these men unless we can.

[Mark Antony]

You're worse than the Senate. Talk, talk, talk. Where's the action?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Where you going, Mark?

[Lepidus]

I say, is the meeting over?

[Mark Antony]

I'll tell you where I'm going. I'm going to the middle of that forum and I'm gonna talk to the men, and I'm gonna tell them that we're invading Egypt. Now what? No ifs, no buts. And that's a guarantee from all three of us.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

You can't do that.

[Mark Antony]

Gaius. You have no idea what I can do.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No, I mean, you can't go out there. Look at you. You've pissed yourself.

[Mark Antony]

Have I? Oh. What?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

I don't believe this.

[Mark Antony]

Oh, no. Has anyone got a towel?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Don't use the treaty, mate.

[Mark Antony]

I've got to use something. It's all over the floor.

[Octavia]

Hey, guys, can I borrow you for a second?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Not now, Octavia.

[Octavia]

It's quite urgent, though. See, there's a mob of soldiers outside and they're getting impatient.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Oh, gods.

[Octavia]

Do you want me to pass a message?

[Mark Antony]

Yeah, tell them I'm not here.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Mark, we've got to deal with this.

[Mark Antony]

Tell them to go away, then.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

We can't.

[Mark Antony]

But we're in charge. Don't they know that? They'll do what we tell them because we are in charge.

[Octavia]

Have you pissed on our floor?

[Mark Antony]

Clearly, yes. Now find some towels.

[Lepidus]

If the meeting's over, I thought I might head off for an early lunch.

[Cassius]

Incredible. The situation sounds worse than I'd ever dared to hope. And is all of this really true?

[Brutus]

I filled in a few gaps, but I drew upon the reports of our spies in Rome. The triumvirs intend to seek aid from us. It can only be a matter of time.

[Cassius]

Thank you, Charmian. You have a knack for bringing these matters to life. Makes it so much easier to know what to do.

[Brutus]

My queen is too kind. I've always enjoyed telling stories.

[Cassius]

You've got a real gift. I shall make full use of it. And if I'm not mistaken, it sounds like we finally have company. Trust him to be late. You'll do the honors, won't you, my lady?

[Cleopatra]

What is going on around here? I demand silence.

[Brutus]

You kneel in the presence of the almighty, beloved by her father and her people. Abase yourself before the infinite majesty of the rightful Pharaoh of Egypt. The living goddess and our queen, Cleopatra.

[Cleopatra]

I know that. I'm her husband.

[Cassius]

Ptolemy, dear. I'm so sorry to get you out of bed like this. Oh, it must have been quite a surprise to you and whomever or whatever you were sharing it with.

[Cleopatra]

Get me out of bed. You've dragged me all the way to Greece. I was still in Egypt a week ago.

[Cassius]

Well, I wasn't cutting my holiday short just because of you.

[Cleopatra]

Holiday? You've never taken a day off in your life.

[Cassius]

You take more than enough for both of us, Charmian. How many was it?

[Brutus]

Too many to count.

[Cassius]

Not a good look for a king, is it?

[Brutus]

Not a good look at all.

[Cleopatra]

You can't treat me like this. I am Egypt's king. I outrank you. You're committing treason. I hope you know that.

[Cassius]

I do. But here we are.

[Cleopatra]

What do you want from me?

[Cassius]

From you? Nothing. You're of no use to me, to Egypt, or to anyone. I'd half a mind to leave you alone, but you're always whining and causing.

[Brutus]

A scene or plotting to remove the queen.

[Cassius]

Yes, because you're right. I don't take a holiday without cause. I left Egypt to see what you'd do, and you rather took the bait.

[Cleopatra]

I don't know what you mean.

[Cassius]

But your conspirators do. They're all dead. So instead of keeping you hanging around, I thought it best if I didn't.

[Cleopatra]

But I am your brother.

[Cassius]

Yes. Marrying one's brother, never my favorite part of the job. Still, with you gone, I won't have to do it ever again, will I?

[Cleopatra]

You're going to have me executed?

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

No.

[Cassius]

I believe if you want something done, you should do it yourself. Good. That was simple enough. Have his body dumped in the sea.

[Brutus]

Of course, my lady. Remove it.

[Cassius]

And now a change of scenery.

[Brutus]

Shall I instruct the captain to ready our ship for Egypt?

[Cassius]

No, we're not returning home just yet. We're going to Italy.

[Gaius Octavius Caesar]

Italy?

[Mark Antony]

Really?

[Cassius]

We mustn't keep our Roman friends waiting, must we? Matters like these require the personal touch.

[Brutus]

Is it wise for you to return there so soon after Caesar's death?

[Cassius]

Your concern is noted, Charmian, but unnecessary. I feel quite able to face Rome once again. After all, it's time we all knew who's really in charge.

[Brutus]

Cry Havoc Ask Questions later is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non commercial share alike 4.0 international license. The series is created by David K. Barnes and directed by Amani Zardo. This episode was written by David K. Barnes. It was edited by James Austin, Lori Ann Davis, Tessa Vroom, Meg McKellar, Catherine Seton, and Catherine Rinella, with scoring by Sam Jones. Today's episode features Kazim Tosin, Amore, Harry Roebuck, Lara Sawalha, Sara Aar, Sarah Lambie, and Andrew Seacombe, with additional voices from Ahmed El Jabri, Mark Nicholson, and P. Pip Gladwin. Cry Havoc Ask Questions later is produced by Natalie Winter, Katherine Lindeman, and Production manager Natasha Johnston, with executive producers Alexander J. Newell and April Sumner. To subscribe, view associated materials or join our Patreon visit rustyquill.com Rate and review us online, tweet usherustyquill, visit us on Facebook or email [e-mail] thanks for listening.

[Billy Hindle]

If you enjoyed this episode, you can find all 20 episodes by searching for Cry Havoc, Ask Questions later wherever you find podcasts or by clicking the link in the show notes. The whole series is available. To listen to ad free on Rusty Quill's Patreon, visit www.rustedquill.com for more information. Thanks for listening.