Can Rich People Raise Kids Who Aren't SPOILED?

Summary

Detailed Summary of "Can Rich People Raise Kids Who Aren't SPOILED?"

Podcast: The Martell Method w/ Dan Martell
Host: Dan Martell
Episode Title: Can Rich People Raise Kids Who Aren't SPOILED?
Release Date: September 21, 2023

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Introduction

In the September 21, 2023 episode of The Martell Method, Dan Martell tackles a compelling and often debated topic: "Can Rich People Raise Kids Who Aren't SPOILED?" Drawing from his personal experiences and insights, Martell explores the dynamics of parenting in affluent environments, emphasizing the importance of fostering independence, resilience, and emotional intelligence in children despite financial abundance.

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Background and Personal Journey

Dan Martell begins by reflecting on his own upbringing, providing context to his perspective on parenting and personal development.

• Family Dynamics and Overcoming Challenges:
  Martell shares that both of his parents battled alcoholism. His mother adopted two alcoholic parents, and while not adopted herself, his father also struggled with alcoholism. Despite these hardships, both parents were able to function effectively, creating a stable environment for Dan and his siblings.

  "My dad and my mom did the best with what they had... My dad's never read a book on personal development." ([00:10] B)

• Self-Reliance and Personal Growth:
  Recognizing the limitations in his parents' ability to change, Martell realized he needed to focus on his own personal growth to avoid perpetuating similar patterns.

  "I can either wait until he figures it out, or I'll go work on me to get to a place where I don't need him to." ([00:40] B)

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Building a Relationship with His Father

Martell delves into his efforts to cultivate a meaningful relationship with his father, who often deferred quality time due to personal issues.

• Initiating Change Through Action:
  Instead of confronting his father directly, Martell chose to model the change he wished to see. This proactive approach eventually led to a breakthrough in their relationship.

  "Be the lighthouse. Never give up. I never. I always want to be ready. I'm gonna go do the thing to be the example, to model." ([03:30] B)

• Creating Meaningful Experiences:
  After years of attempting to connect, Martell successfully organized a bonding trip with his father and brother, resulting in a pivotal shift in their relationship.

  "We rented ebikes... my dad saw how it could be." ([02:24] B)

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Raising His Own Children Without Spoiling Them

Transitioning to his role as a parent, Martell outlines his philosophy and strategies for raising children in a wealthy household without fostering entitlement.

• Emotional Coaching Over Traditional Parenting:
  Martell emphasizes his role as an emotional coach, focusing on his children's emotional well-being rather than dictating their achievements.

  "My responsibility to my kids is to become an emotional coach for my kids." ([05:56] B)

• Promoting Independence and Resilience:
  He deliberately avoids performing tasks for his children that they can learn to do themselves, such as tying shoes or cooking, to encourage self-sufficiency.

  "Don't tie their shoes, don't always be making them food. Don't clean up their rooms, don't flush their toilet." ([06:23] B)

• Encouraging Problem-Solving Skills:
  By allowing his children to face and overcome challenges independently, Martell aims to develop their problem-solving abilities and self-confidence.

  "I want my kids to have high self-confidence. I want them to be creative problem solvers like we have." ([06:23] B)

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Strategies and Tactics for Non-Spoiling Parenting

Dan Martell outlines several key strategies that affluent parents can implement to raise well-adjusted children:

1. Model Desired Behaviors:

   • Instead of instructing children to behave a certain way, parents should embody those behaviors themselves. This approach ensures that children have a living example to emulate.

   • "I just went and did the thing." ([03:54] B)

2. Foster Emotional Intelligence:

   • Serving as an emotional coach involves supporting children’s emotional growth without imposing personal expectations, thereby promoting autonomy.

   • "I'm here for you. I teach them." ([05:48] B)

3. Avoid Overprotection:

   • Parents should resist the urge to micromanage their children's lives, allowing them to experience failures and successes on their own.

   • "Make them come back. And I think that is how I've been crazy intentional about making sure that I at least give them the tools to do what they want." ([08:05] B)

4. Encourage Responsibility and Accountability:

   • By withholding immediate assistance and encouraging children to find solutions, parents help build a strong sense of responsibility.

   • "I never cook for my kids... They eventually figured out themselves." ([07:37] B)

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Key Insights and Takeaways

• Independence Over Entitlement: Wealth alone doesn't determine a child's character. By instilling values of hard work, responsibility, and self-sufficiency, parents can ensure their children remain grounded and appreciative.

• The Role of Adversity: Allowing children to face and navigate challenges builds resilience and equips them with the necessary tools to handle future adversities.

• Emotional Support Without Overreach: Balancing emotional support with the freedom to make personal choices fosters emotional intelligence and self-confidence.

• Practical Life Skills: Encouraging children to perform daily tasks independently ensures they develop essential life skills and reduces dependency.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• "I can either wait until he figures it out, or I'll go work on me to get to a place where I don't need him to."
  — Dan Martell ([00:40] B)

• "Be the lighthouse. Never give up. I never. I always want to be ready. I'm gonna go do the thing to be the example, to model."
  — Dan Martell ([03:30] B)

• "If you're happy with your grades, cool. I don't give a crap what they say. Like, what a school that I didn't design and I didn't get involved in the testing..."
  — Dan Martell ([05:56] B)

• "The device is not the problem. It's their self-confidence. I want my kids to have high self-confidence. I want them to be creative problem solvers like we have."
  — Dan Martell ([06:23] B)

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Conclusion

In this insightful episode, Dan Martell provides a nuanced perspective on parenting within affluent contexts. He emphasizes the importance of modeling positive behaviors, fostering emotional intelligence, and encouraging independence to prevent children from developing a sense of entitlement. Martell's personal anecdotes and practical strategies offer valuable guidance for parents striving to raise resilient, self-sufficient, and emotionally intelligent children, regardless of their financial standing.

By sharing his journey from overcoming familial challenges to building a successful empire, Martell underscores that the principles of personal development and intentional parenting are universal and essential for nurturing the next generation of responsible and fulfilled individuals.

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Stay Connected with Dan Martell:
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Instagram: @danmartell
Website: https://danmartell.com

Transcript

[A]

What do you think? Were a couple of things that your dad did to make sure that you guys have a great relationship. Now, was that more him? Was that more you? And then what are some things that you're trying to do with your kids to make sure that that kind of ends up.

[B]

That's a beautiful question, Travis. Thank you. Here's the truth. I think my dad and my mom did the best with what they had. My mom's adopted two alcoholic parents. The fact that she's a functioning adult is beautiful. My dad, same thing. You know, not adopted. But parents are alcoholics. The fact that he's an incredible parent to me and grandfather to my kids is awesome. My dad's never read a book on personal development.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So I just got to a point where I realized, like, I can either wait until he figures it out, or I'll go work on me to get to a place where I don't need him to.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[B]

See what I'm saying? I eventually got to a place where I didn't need to change him. Zero. I didn't need my mom to be. I, like, tell mom, like, I remember the first time my kid. I called her up. It was like, we had, you know, Max for, like, three months, right? And I'm driving, and he's crying. He's not going to sleep. And he finally goes to sleep, and I call my mom, and the first thing I say to her is, I'm sorry. And she goes, why? And I go, I'm sitting here with Max. You had four?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I am so sor. Right? So I just. I just got to a place where I didn't. I just. I didn't need her or him to become anything. And then I just. I just kept shining my light. And what I mean by that is, like, my dad for a long time. And I don't know why I never asked him this. You know, he'd always punt every time I'd ask him to do, like, you know, hey, I'd love for you to come on my boat, just you and I. And he's like, oh, yeah, I'll see if. If Diane, his wife, you know, I'll see if the. If Diane's available. And I'm like, no, just you, dad. And he's like, yeah, I'm busy around the thing or whatever. And I didn't know why. And I remember calling my brother Pierre, and I'd be like, dude, does dad ever. Like, do you ever hang out with dad? Just you and him, he's like, no, man. And I was like, why? He goes, I don't know. I don't know if it's something like, with die that he has, like, separation anxiety. We literally couldn't figure it out. And then finally him and I sat down. We didn't corner my dad, but we kind of, like, said, we really, like, we had an intervention. We just said, we love you. You know, you're 71 now. We would love to, like, spend time just the boys.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Ladies and dude. So we. I asked. This is like, you know, 20 years in the making. And finally I got my dad to agree. And we got a, you know, this crazy hotel suite. We rented ebikes. We were. We. We. We drove around this beach community I live in and. Or this lake community. And just like, we're kids.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And my dad saw how it could be. And I remember there was like, a switch. And he goes, I'm sorry. I always thought it would be different. And I don't know if he was worried I was going to confront him about stuff. You know what I mean? Like, obviously he sees what we both. Even my other brother is super successful. Right. Like, I won the entrepreneur award in Canada. My other brother Pierre won it, like, five years later. And they told my dad, if your other son, Mo, wins it, we're going to give you an award.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So. But, like, Mo's not as driven as us. I was like, don't hold your breath. I love you, Mo, but. Yeah, dad, you may not. We'll give it to you ourselves. And. But, you know, again, it took that long to just show up and just say, be the lighthouse.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Never give up. I never. I always want to be ready. I'm gonna go do the thing to be the example, to model. And when people around me, my friends, my brother. My brother was. You know, when I was halfway through finally figuring out business and had a couple hundred thousand saved in my bank account, my brother came to me for advice to start his first business. And I was in a position to write him a check to seed fund his home building company.

[A]

Oh, that's awesome.

[B]

Because I, instead of showing up already telling me, should start business, start a business, start business. And him being like, shut up.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I just went and did the thing. And then when he was ready, can't.

[A]

Help but see the results.

[B]

Yeah. And I could just. And now I had the resources because I didn't waste energy trying to get other people to do something that they weren't ready for. I just Went and did the thing. It's like, people go to the CrossFit once.

[C]

Sure you should.

[B]

You know what I did today? I did a wad. You should come to CrossFit. CrossFit's the best. It's like, dude, go for a couple years and show me that you're competing a little bit. Right, right. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, it's like, how do you know somebody. Somebody's a vegan, they don't shut up about it. It's like, come on. Like, just because you've been vegan for three weeks, like, just go be an example. And then when people are curious, they're going to lean in. And that's like. That's my philosophy on. On success. So, yeah, I never asked my parents to be anything, just be themselves. And then I had to work through all the stuff because, look, I still call my dad and he asked me, like, these questions that I'm like, why are you asking me that?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. But it has nothing to do with me. It has to do with him.

[A]

So how do you view that in terms of your role as a parent now?

[B]

Totally. So a lot of stuff. My responsibility to my kids is to become an emotional coach for my kids. That's it. Their success in life. This is a tough one for some parents. What they do or don't do is not a reflection of who I am as a person. I tell my kids all the time, if you're happy with your grades, cool. I don't give a crap what they say. Like, what a school that I didn't design and I didn't get involved in the testing and help them figure out if it was even made sense. Decide you are here versus there. As your father. Zero. I do not care if you care. I care because I love anything you care about, I care about. That's empathy. Right. But that's not how I'm going to decide if I'm proud of you or not. I'm going to be proud of you for watching you do things that are hard and where everybody else might have wanted to stop. You got back up.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So it could be as subtle as just like going and practicing your soccer in the front yard to whatever. So I'm very intentional about the words I use. How I show up as a father when they're ready to talk to me. I like, everything is away. I'm here for you. Right. I teach them. Like, people are like, oh, your kids shouldn't be on devices. It's not. The device is not the problem. It's their. Their self confidence. I want my kids to have high self confidence. I want them to be creative problem solvers like we have. We have a full time house manager and a staff at our home. Like, it would be easy for them to do stuff for our kids.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Since they were little babies, I've been very clear. I got this from Shaq.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. You know I'm talking about, I'm rich, You're not. Betty works for me. She does not work for you. When we hired Betty, we were very clear. You do not pick up their bags, flush the toilet when they forget, clean their rooms, nothing.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You work for Renee and I, and if you choose or want to do that, you have to ask for our permission. If they ask you to do that and you know that you shouldn't be doing it. Don't. Don't do it. And, like, they are like, man, the amount of parents I see, like, do everything. It's like they go pick up the kids when they're at, you know, preschool, and they're, like, doing their shoes and zipping up their jackets, and they think they do it out of love. It's like, you're actually handicapping your kid from being well adjusted, resourceful young men. And the way I think about it is, like, do you want their. Like, in my case, my sons? Do I want their spouse, their. Their wives or whatever to, like, tie their shoes? Do I want them to be proud of the men they become? Or do I want them to feel annoyed that we didn't let them learn how to cook for themselves? Like, I've never cooked for my kids, dude. You know how crazy that is? If you ever meet Max and no, ask them, has your dad ever made you breakfast? The answer is no. I've sat there while they're cooking pans, making eggs, burning toast.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And they eventually figured out themselves. I just. I just know, like, because I was worried. Here's. Here's what happened. I was worried that at some point I would have to, like, bring him in the woods and run away. Like.

[A]

Like a rite of passage, sir.

[B]

Yeah. Because I went through so much adversity that I was worried that they would be. They would. They would be soft. Right, Exactly. So, you know, I talked to Ben Greenfield, who actually did this with his twin boys, like, literally 21. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So luckily I've learned this. The world is hard enough. Just allow the world to impact your kids. Your kids will be bullied at school. Your kids will have struggles on their sports team, their whatever. Whatever. Let them deal with it. Don't tie their shoes, don't always be making them food. Don't clean up their rooms, don't flush their toilet. Like, make them come back. And I think that is how I've been crazy intentional about making sure that I at least give them the tools to do what they want and at the same time, whatever they want to do in life. Like, dude, I don't. Like, I'd love my. My kids to do whatever. I just want them to. To be fulfilled. I don't even want them to be happy. I think happy is a weird word. I want them to wake up and feel productive and fulfilled and give and be good humans and be kind. What they do in their careers has nothing to do with me as a person, and I never want them to live for me.