Podcast Summary: The Matt King Show | Ep. 024: Emily Harrington-Cheney – "How To SAVE Your Relationship! Without Yelling, Avoiding, Or Shutting Down"

Main Theme & Purpose

In this insightful episode, Matt King sits down with therapist and Imago relationship expert Emily Harrington-Cheney to unpack the real roots of relationship conflict and how couples can resolve them—without yelling, avoidance, or shutting down. The conversation dives deep into hidden childhood wounds, the art of intentional conversation, and actionable Imago techniques that foster true connection. Listeners receive candid guidance on navigating relationships with compassion, self-awareness, and conscious communication.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Beneath Communication: The Hidden Trauma in Relationships

• [00:00-02:27] Both host and guest challenge the common idea that communication alone is the main issue—wounds and unresolved childhood traumas underlie most conflicts.
  • Quote: "You find someone, you get married, you build a life, but both of you are carrying wounds and no one taught you what to do with them." – Host, Matt King [00:29]
• Wounds often manifest as self-worth issues, self-doubt, and discomfort with uncertainty.

2. Moving from Unconscious to Conscious Partnership

• [02:31-04:09] Most couples operate in “unconscious partnership,” cycling between romantic phases and power struggles.
  • Quote: "The conflict comes in when our partners stop feeling like a lover and start feeling like family." – Emily [00:36, 13:15]
• The goal: shift toward conscious partnership, which involves curiosity about both your own and your partner’s emotional landscape.

3. Imago Dialogue: Intentional Communication Structure

• [04:24-06:36] Introduction to Imago’s “intentional dialogue”—a structured, step-by-step way of communicating to bypass blame, defensiveness, and misunderstanding.
  • Mirroring: One person speaks, the other repeats back (“mirrors”) what’s heard to ensure understanding.
  • Validation & Empathy: After mirroring, the receiver validates the sender’s feelings and offers empathy.
  • Quote: "The main part of it is mirroring... Because if you didn’t really hear me, you wouldn’t be able to mirror back what I’m saying to you." – Emily [04:24]
• [06:36-08:05] Practical example: making a “communication appointment” even for small issues; approaching the conversation only when regulated and ready.

4. Regulating Emotions & Preventing Attack

• [08:05-09:55] Practical guidance on self-regulation before engaging in dialogue—wait to speak until you’re centered to avoid blame and criticism.
• As the receiver, one must “put it in the parking lot” and refrain from justification or defense until it’s their turn to speak.

5. The Power of Intentionality, Safety, and Mirroring with Kids

• [11:31-14:42] Creating a safe, intentional environment is crucial—not just for romantic partnerships, but families.
• [14:42-16:56] Mirroring works with children too; modeling these behaviors rather than just instructing them is key.
  • Memorable Moment: Emily shares a story of her son, upset and dysregulated, calming down as she simply mirrored his feelings.

6. The Roots of Imago: Personal Journey & Application

• [18:46-21:27] Emily’s introduction to Imago came early in her therapy career; the model resonated due to its experiential nature.
  • Notable Quote: "It embodies what Imago is. We're mirroring all the time… Like, it's an emotional experience to go through the training." – Emily [19:30]

7. Resistance & Difficulties in Practice

• [21:27-22:53] Mirroring and direct dialogue often feel awkward, forced, or resisting—especially for disconnected couples.
• [22:57-23:16] Phones and devices as “relationship exits”—ways we flee intimacy and intentional connection.

8. Outsourcing Validation & The Relational Paradigm

• [25:07-29:49] Modern couples frequently seek validation from friends (via texts, photos, venting), rather than inside the relationship.
  • Quote: "You have to be able to step into your partner's world, which is a really hard thing to do because it feels kind of threatening if you're not used to it." – Emily [27:11]
• In Imago, the “problem” and solution live in the relational space, not just inside individuals.

9. Weaponizing Communication Tools

• [30:18-31:24] Sometimes people weaponize empathy/mirroring tools; Emphasizes intentionality and aiming for win-win, not win-lose dynamics.

10. The Ongoing Nature of Growth and Healing

• [34:25-36:13] Relationship work and growth is perpetual; there’s no finishing point.
  • Quote: "If we stopped having conflict, then we wouldn't be growing." – Emily [34:41]

11. Unpacking the “Box”: Patterns & Repressed Messages

• [36:13-38:44] Each person has “boxes” of repressed feelings/traits, shaped by family rules and expectations.
  • Quote: "You admire them so much. And then once you switch over into the power struggle, those things that looked so great start to ping on these rules that we have." – Emily [37:40]

12. Breaking Generational Patterns with Self-Awareness

• [43:47-44:32] Self-reflection and becoming intentional are key for not passing down unhelpful emotional patterns to children.

13. Therapy as a Tool—not a Cure-All

• [45:22-53:45] Therapy can be used productively or as a crutch—true impact comes from active engagement and carrying learning into daily life.
  • Quote: "The best therapists are doing a lot of their own work… But we're all just human beings." – Emily [46:09]

14. Trauma—Understanding “Big T” and “Little t”

• [50:39-52:25] Shift from focusing only on “big T trauma” to recognizing the impact of small, repeated wounds and disconnects.

15. Getting Started with Imago—Concrete Steps

• [55:41-58:16] Recommendations:
  • Read Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt
  • Join Imago workshops or see a trained Imago therapist
  • Start by mirroring daily, even in neutral interactions, to build comfort
  • Quote: “Just practice.” – Emily [59:11]

16. Practice, Practice, Practice—Mirroring as a Language

• [58:29-61:17] Mirroring, like any new language, takes repetition—try with strangers (e.g., TSA agents) to build the muscle.
  • Quote: "Mirroring is no different than Spanish. It's just a language." – Emily [60:51]

17. Imago Is a Team Sport

• [61:18-61:43] "Imago is a team sport. You're on the same team, helping each other... build understanding and create what we want to have in the space between." – Emily [61:18]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Hidden childhood trauma's impact [00:00–02:27]
• Unconscious vs. conscious relationship [02:31–04:09]
• Imago intentional dialogue explained [04:24–06:36]
• Creating safe, intentional conversations [06:36–09:55]
• Mirroring with children—real-life example [14:42–16:56]
• Emily’s Imago journey and application [18:46–21:27]
• Weaponizing empathy & keeping score [30:18–31:50]
• Growth is perpetual—never stops [34:25–36:13]
• Carrying & breaking family patterns [43:47–44:32]
• Therapy’s limits & significance [45:22–50:10]
• Types of trauma & their impact [50:39–52:25]
• First steps for couples: Imago resources [55:41–58:16]
• Mirroring as everyday practice [58:29–61:17]
• Imago as a team sport [61:18–61:43]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "The conflict comes in when our partners stop feeling like a lover and start feeling like family."
  — Emily [00:36, 13:15]

• "Conflict is growth trying to happen."
  — Emily [33:44]

• "Intentionality. When we do the couples workshops, like I probably say the word intentional or intentionality like 700 times... Without intention, you're both on autopilot."
  — Emily [11:48]

• "Imago is a team sport. You're on the same team."
  — Emily [61:18]

• "Mirroring is no different than Spanish. It's just a language."
  — Emily [60:51]

Resources Mentioned

• Getting the Love You Want by Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt ([55:53])
• Imago Therapy (therapy, workshops, books) ([55:53])
• Emily’s practice: seenandheardpsychotherapy.com ([61:57])

Takeaways for Listeners

• Relationship conflict is inevitable and rooted in deeper patterns—addressing it with intentionality and structure creates healing, not just solutions.
• Mirroring, validation, and empathy aren’t just techniques—they’re foundations for safe partnership and growth.
• Practicing these skills in all relationships, not just romantic, builds fluency and comfort.
• True progress requires consistent action and willingness to be uncomfortable for the sake of connection.

"Just practice. You just have to make the effort." – Emily [61:10]