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All right, so today we'll go back to our lost souls of Reddit to deliver some life advice based on questions that are posed over on Reddit. And I can't promise that my advice is good. It's not legally. I can't be held legally responsible if anyone takes my advice and it goes poorly for them. But I can say that the advice I give is at least better than what you would get from the community at Reddit, which is as low a bar as it can possibly get. Okay, is parenting supposed to be this hard? I, 30, female, have two kids aged five and three. I love them so much, but I also feel like they're making me so down all the time. I feel like a terrible parent. My husband has gone on holiday for a week with some friends and I've really struggled. I ended up getting so angry at my 3 year old yesterday because she asked me to take her to the toilet three times whilst I was trying to eat my dinner. I know it's not her fault if she needs the toilet, but I was so tired and I wanted to eat my dinner in peace and I felt terrible afterwards. I really miss my pre child life. Everything was so much easier and I was happier. I'm so stressed and tired all the time now. Even trying to get them to go to bed in the evening is such a battle. Sometimes I just want to leave and have my freedom back. Does everyone feel like this or am I just not supposed to be a mum? I'm picking up on British from whilst and mum. So that's my no, I'm really good at these kinds of things. Okay, well I can answer the last question. You're supposed to be a mom because you are a mom. So that solves the riddle. If you're a parent, you don't need to sit around thinking, was I supposed to be a parent? Well, you are. You are. So yeah, you're supposed to. In fact, most people are supposed to be parents. So you're doing a thing that billions of people have done before you. It is the basic path that almost everybody follows. And most of the people who don't follow that path, it's only because they weren't able to for one reason or another. So yeah, you were supposed to. And as to your other question, does everybody feel like this? Well, if by like this you mean occasionally frustrated, stressed out, irritated, sure. If you mean wanting to be able to eat a meal in peace again, sure, definitely. But if you mean like pining for your childless past, constantly missing the times before you had kids, Sort of wishing that you weren't a parent? Well, no, not every parent feels that way. I know that because I don't feel that way. And so that's one parent who doesn't. And I think there are many millions more in my camp. And I'm not saying that to make you feel bad. Is that because I'm a better person than you? No, almost certainly not. You could easily be a better person than me. That wouldn't be hard to do. Very low bar. It's not about that. But as a parent myself, with two of our six who are now teenagers, I certainly get annoyed with my kids. But I really do deeply enjoy being a parent. And I don't miss at all the days of not being a parent. But I enjoy it now more than I did, say, 10 years ago. I've grown into the role, which is something that for some reason isn't talked about enough, I don't think. But it, you know, you grow into it. So I. I, for sure, I enjoy the job of being a parent now more than I did a decade ago, definitely. And that's part of the story, I think, is that you do grow into it, that you get better at it as you go, or it should work that way. I mean, it doesn't always, but it should. It often does. That's the way it's meant to work. And we don't really allow for that. We don't take that into account. And we forget to tell young parents, we forget to say to them that, hey, you're gonna suck at this at first. You're gonna be really bad at this. Just like you suck at doing anything when you first start doing it. And when you suck at doing something, it's not as enjoyable. When you're bad at doing a thing, it's not nearly as enjoyable as when you get good at it. When you're bad at it, it's. There's a lot of frustration. It's like picking up a hobby. Okay, being a parent is not a hobby, but I'm just for comparison, saying picking up a hobby, it's like one of the reasons why people don't often develop hobbies is that when you're kind of interested in it, so you start doing it, whatever the hobby is, and you're bad at it at first. And so it's actually not that fun. You have to push through the part where you're bad at it to get to the point where this hobby is enjoyable. And most people don't. And so they just never pick up hobbies and they don't become interesting people who do interesting things. And it's like that with parenting, where at first you're not very good at it, and so you're frustrated by things that later on in life won't be nearly as frustrating, but here it is. And so you just have to give it some time. This is what I'm always telling parents in general. Just give it time, relax a little bit. Relax a little bit, and just give it some time. Your oldest kid is 5 years old. You only have two. You've been a parent for 10 seconds, basically. I mean, your oldest kid is barely kindergarten aged, right? I mean, it's like you just started doing this. You just started. Just give it some time. So many of the challenges you face as a parent are solved just by giving them time. And a lot less time than you think. Like the time that it takes for this problem. And it's not just like you can just leave it alone. You keep trying and keep doing your best. And also you trying and doing your best combined with time will make most of these problems go away. Most of them. And parenting is a skill. It's not just a skill, but it's also a skill. And skills take time to develop. So I'm a much more skilled parent today than I was a decade ago. I had no idea what I was doing a decade ago. I was fumbling around, often stressed out and flustered and overwhelmed. I still get that way sometimes. Anyone can. But once you've done it for a while, you're just much better at it. And so it's like if I'm having dinner, especially with two kids, five and three, it would be very difficult for me to get so flustered in that situation that, you know, I'm plunging into despair like it is for you. Again, not because I'm a better person, just I have more experience with it. You just have to have more experience. And it's not just about getting more skilled, though. It's also about the wisdom that comes with age and experience. It's about coming to understand a few things. Two things, primarily. I think there are two things that parents have to eventually understand that they might not. At first, I know I didn't. And the first. And you hear both of these in the post, the first is that just because something is harder does not mean that it has to be less enjoyable. In fact, harder things can and should usually be more enjoyable. Right? The challenge is what makes it enjoyable. And you can think of a million analogies that make that point. Right. If you went out to shoot some hoops. If you went down to a basketball court to shoot some hoops and you had a genie granted a wish to make it so that every single shot you took would automatically go in from anywhere, then, yeah, that'd be great. You go to the NBA and make $100 million. But it wouldn't be fun. That would be fun for five minutes, and then it's not fun anymore. There's no challenge, right? And you take that and apply it to anything. When you take the challenge out of something, it's actually less fun. But we're conditioned to assume that the easier thing is always the better thing. It's like in our culture, we define a fun thing, a pleasurable thing, as a thing that can be done easily with no resistance. And then we have kids and we discover that lots of things that were easy before that could be done with no resistance now have resistance now. They're difficult, or at least they're more difficult than they were before. And so we instinctively categorize them in our heads as not fun, as not enjoyable. We think, oh, life with kids is less easy, and therefore it's worse, because that's how we have been conditioned to see things. But that's totally wrong. You know, it's just a wrong way of looking at the world. In fact, the reality is something closer to the opposite. As I said, generally speaking, there's little joy to be found in things that are too easy, in things that can be done with no friction and no resistance. There's relaxation in that, but joy is found in achieving something, in doing something. And so parenting offers you, like many of those opportunities. It's like J.K. chesterton said, an inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. So in other words, you know, you have an obstacle, an inconvenience, but you choose to see it as an inconvenience when you could see it as an adventure. And maybe that sounds trite or cliched, but I think it's one of the. I think it's one of the. If it's a cliche, it's one of the wisest cliches that's ever been uttered. And if you really take it to heart, you realize that many of the things that make you miserable in life, it only make. It only makes you miserable because of how you choose to see it, because you choose to see it in a way that is guaranteed to make you miserable. And that certainly applies to parenting. And the other misconception you see in this post, which is common, is that being a parent means losing freedom. So this idea that non parents have more freedom just isn't true at all. You actually have more freedom as a parent in that you are able to do things and experience things that you couldn't when you didn't have kids. Like, there is, as I've said many times, there's nothing that a non parent can do. There is nothing that they can experience that I can't and haven't. There's plenty that I can do as a parent that they can't. There's plenty of things I can experience that they can't. There's an entire category of joy that is open and available to me and to you that is not available to non parents. The distinct joy of being a parent, the love that you feel for your children. Non parents do not have the freedom to experience that. So in what way do they have more freedom? Again, there's nothing they can do, they that you can't. It may take a little more effort on your part, but so what is that? Freedom Is freedom, the ability to do things without effort? Is that all that freedom is? What kind of definition of freedom is that? I mean, by that definition, prison is freedom. Like, if freedom is just like not having to put in a lot of effort, then in some ways prison is the most free place you could ever go because there's really no effort. You just sit there like, they don't even make you do hard labor anymore. You just sit there. A lot of freedom, I guess. Or is freedom the ability to do whatever you want? Well, if that's the definition, then none of us are free but God, because none of us can literally do whatever we want. There are laws, first of all, there are many physical constraints that prevent us from fulfilling all of our wildest fantasies. So what is freedom? I mean, in what way did you have your freedom before you had kids? What kind of freedom did you have before you had kids that you now have less of? Because I would say that freedom could be defined more like the capacity, the opportunity to participate in meaningful human experiences. I think that's kind of what freedom is. Maybe not a perfect definition, but there's something to it, I think. And by that definition, as a parent, you are more free, considerably more free, because you have a greater capacity and greater opportunity to participate in meaningful human experiences. So, but this is all academic. You know, you can hear it and understand it, but over time you can. Well, you can hear it, you can hear what I'm saying. But over time you begin to understand it. But you just have to give it time. For centuries, John Milton's Paradise Lost has been considered one of the great works of literature that's ever been written. A Christian epic that wrestles with timeless questions about temptation, freedom, pride, and God's relationship with mankind. In one of its most famous lines, Satan declares, better to reign in hell than serve in heaven. It's a line that cuts to the heart of rebellion, and Milton's response to it is one of the most powerful in all of Western literature. That's why Hillsdale College offers a free online course on Paradise Lost. Taught by real Hillsdale professors. Paradise Lost gets at something true about human nature the most modern writing won't touch. Milton understood that the root of every rebellion, every act of pride, every rejection of God traces back to the same lies Satan tells himself in that line. The poem carries 1500 years of Western and Christian thought, and most people have never read it. In this course, professor Stephen Smith guides you through Milton's masterpiece. From the depths of hell to the heights of heaven. You'll examine Satan's rhetoric, discover the contrast between his lies and God's truth, and explore one of the greatest Christian responses to the epic tradition that began with Homer. Go to Hillsdale. Edu Walsh to enroll. It's totally free. Start reading. 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I had not really planned or looked into anything and she got a little irritated. This led to an argument I guess more of a vent session than an argument. I didn't really say much back to be honest. She said I need to be more proactive and take the lead more in our lives and not be a passenger along for the ride. Pointing out how I rarely pick movies to watch or how I had not even bothered to look up any places to eat or things to do around the city we were in. This went for a little while and she said that it gets old having a cardboard cutout of a husband that she wants a person who has opinions and is curious about the world around, not just along for the ride. I will admit that I had not thought of things to do while we were on this trip and I could have. I had lots of spare time while she was in training. She didn't really talk much the drive home. I think this has been stirring for a while. It's probably more than not looking up things to do on the trip. I always thought letting her take the lead would allow her to get what she wants and make her happy. I guess it is not what she wants and now I am kind of a lost on how to take more initiative and be more proactive in life and our relationships. I really don't have many close friends to ask things like this of and probably wouldn't even if I did. My question is how do I learn to be more proactive in my relationship before it's too late? Yeah, this is interesting. You know this interesting point here, but I think vacation is the wrong place to make the point because on vacation I'm a big believer in not planning things. I think the whole point of a vacation is to not have stuff planned. I'm not a planner on vacation. This is A source of disagreement with my wife. She is the planning type on vacation for sure. So she'll say, okay, on the first day of vacation, let's get up at 4:45am and go do this activity. And you say, what kind of activities do they even have? What godforsaken place have we gone to where they have activities at 5 in the morning? What is happening? You want me to get less sleep on vacation? This is totally backwards. And then, you know, and she'll have the whole thing and I'll say, hey, relax, I got a better idea, let's not do any of that. She'll have the whole plan like we're going to do this and then we got this activity and then there's gonna do lunch and then. And I'll say, let's not do any of that. Here's a better plan. Let's do none of the things you just said at all. Let's not do anything, let's do nothing. Because vacations are meant, I believe, to be focused around a particular body of water, a lake or an ocean. And all you do is you go sit at that body of water and that's it. And you do activities that are focused on or around the body of water, like fishing or swimming or, or you could go snorkeling. Well, not snorkeling is too involved. We're not going to do that. That's. There's too many things. It's got to be something that can just easily be done. It can't be like, it can't require, you know, more than about five minutes of setup and preparation. So snorkeling is out. Last time we did a beach vacation, my wife's like, let's rent some jet skis. And I said, you got to go all the way down there and like do the whole rental. And you got to like fill out forms. I don't want to fill out a form. We're on vacation, so we didn't do that. But I'm a little extreme when it comes to vacation. I'm an extreme non planner. So on vacation I'm on the husband's side. But it's clear this is a general issue that goes beyond vacation, as he admits. And yes, generally speaking, in life you need to take the initiative as the man, and that's what women want you to do. Allowing the wife to take the lead in your family is about the worst thing you can do as a husband. It's not going to make anybody happier, least of all her. It's not going to make you happier. It's not going to make the kids happier. And this goes for big things and small things. And the small things in some ways are more important or at least have elevated importance because there's more of them. You know, they happen more often. And if you're asking her to be proactive or, you know, if you're asking how to be more proactive and take the initiative, then start with the small things. So do this, try this. And this is like, it's kind. It's. It's surprising to me how few husbands do this, I think. But I think, I think this is much more common, you know, in the old days. So do this very simple. Tell your wife, hey, we're going to go out on Friday night, right? Six o', clock, I have reservations. Just make the reservation. Don't ask her where she wants to go. Just do it on your own. Call the place up. You can go online. Like, just make a reservation, whatever. Don't even need to tell her where you're going. Then on Friday night, you drive her there, you sit down, you've already looked at the menu ahead of time. Online, right? Every restaurant has menus online. Takes 10 seconds. Look at the menu. You have been with your wife for 15 years. You know what she likes. I assume you've been to a billion restaurants. You know the kinds of things she likes to eat. You know, every person has like three things they order at a restaurant. And so you picked a place that has one of those three things. And so you sit down at the table and you say, oh, this place has a really good salmon. You'll probably like that. The waiter comes, you place an appetizer order. You don't even ask her what she wants. You don't consult her. When the waiter comes, you just give your drink order and say, hey, we'd like to put it in order of the whatever, right? Because you know what she likes to eat. So you don't need to ask her. Like you already know, you know what kind of appetizer she likes. Just put the order in. And then you go home and you tell your wife, hey, there's a movie that just came out on streaming. Let's watch it. I think you'll like it. Why don't you go get changed? I'll get the movie queued up. And then while she's doing that, you go get her a drink. You know what kind of thing she likes to drink at night, whether it's chamomile tea or wine or whatever. And you pour the drink and you give it to her. And these are all small things. These are just all the things that your wife wants you to do. Be the man, take the lead, make the decisions, be confident. And once you're doing that with the small things, that it becomes easier and more natural to take the lead on the bigger things. Right? Now, I will say one thing, a point, for the other side of the situation. If you're the wife in this situation and you want your husband to take the lead, which every wife at some level does, you then have to take the back seat and not interfere when he does take the lead. Because here's what often happens. The wife will say to the husband, who's a bit of a pushover, I want you to lead. And then the husband will say, maybe he'll try. He'll give it a shot and he'll do what I just said, like, I'll pick the restaurant. And then you show up at the restaurant and you say, oh, I don't want to eat at this place. Oh, I'm not in the mood for. Oh, you should have known. I. No. Oh, I don't like this. I heard this place was bad. Don't do that. Don't complain that your husband doesn't lead and then whine and micromanage when he does. You can't have it both ways. You cannot have it both ways. Him leading means that you're following, okay? Be a good follower. Don't put him in a lose, lose scenario where you're mad at him for not leading and then annoyed at him because he leads. Because guess what? Wanting someone to lead and then trying to dictate the way that they lead means that they're not leading. You are, right? You're still leading you actually. So he's, you know, on the horse and you're behind him, but you're reaching around him to grab the reins. You're not actually letting him just, you know, guide the horse, ride the horse. So you got take your hands off the reins. You can't have it both ways, okay? And if all you want is like a figurehead, if all you want is someone who pretends that they're leading but you're really calling all the shots, then that's a you problem, okay? And I suspect, I mean, I don't know anything about this couple. I suspect it's a little bit of that also, right? You got the wife who's got the business thing. She's a businesswoman and she's going to the training and the husband's like the husband's already kind of like tagging along for her thing. And so it's a little bit. And you know, and she's calling him a cardboard cutout, like it's being very disrespectful. It's kind of thing you should never say to your husband, no matter what. So even just from this, I'm getting vibes of this being a woman who claims. Claims, I want you to take the lead. But the moment he tries, she's going to say, oh, not that way. Oh, I want you to lead. But I want you to lead exactly as I want down to the. Down to the. You know, down to every particular. So, yes, the husband's job is to take the lead. The wife's job then is to not critique and micromanage every step of the way. Okay, but none of this applies to a vacation where you should just be sitting and doing nothing at all. Which is why vacation exists in the first place. Unless you're going fishing, in which case Getting up at 4:45am Makes sense only for that one exception. That's the only. I don't make the rules. Okay? I mean, I do, but that's besides the point. So I trust that I've solved these problems and everybody will live happily ever after.