Transcript
Narrator/Host (0:00)
Limu Emu and Doug. Here we have the Limu emu in.
Commentator/Critic (0:05)
Its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, Limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com Liberty Liberty Liberty. Liberty Savings vary unwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates excludes Massachusetts. The other day it was brought to my attention that radio stations and streaming services are still broadcasting the song the Christmas Shoes, which is the single best argument against the first amendment that perhaps has ever been made. Any civilized society would have imprisoned everybody responsible for that song and banned it many years ago. And in case you're unfamiliar with it, the song is about a guy who's in a bad mood. He's doing Christmas shopping, and then a kid who's dressed in ragged clothing goes up to the checkout line with a bunch of pennies and tries to buy some Christmas shoes. Tells the clerk that his mother's dying and he wants to buy her sho so that you know, she looks beautiful for Jesus.
Narrator/Host (1:07)
Listen, sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my mama. Please, it's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size. Could you hurry, sir? Daddy says there's not much time. You see, she's been sick for quite a while and know these shoes shoes will make us smile and one or two look beautiful if ma meet Jesus tonight.
Commentator/Critic (1:48)
Now, already there are a couple of problems here beyond the very bad and melodramatic singing. First of all, if you're buying shoes or anything, there's no reason to tell the clerk why you're making the purchase. Like, nobody does that. The clerk's job is to process the transaction. That's it. Doesn't really care why you're buying it unless you're buying the ingredients for a pipe bomb or something. There's really no explanation needed. And secondly, the song is outdated at this point. No kid is going to be counting pennies in the checkout line because we don't make pennies anymore and everyone's using Apple Pay anyway. Now, admittedly, back in 2002 when this song came out, that wasn't true, but it was still considered a pretty big faux pas to make everyone wait while you, quote, counted pennies for what seemed like years. And it's an even bigger faux pas when you come up short after all that. And third, what kind of person, child or not, thinks that people get to keep their shoes in the afterlife is the kid's mom, a pharaoh, is this ancient Egypt? What pyramid is this woman being buried in? So at this point, even if you put aside the absurdity of wanting to dress up your dying mother, everyone in line should be furious with this kid. But then it gets worse. As Patton Oswald observed, the kid eventually makes it clear that he's a total scam artist. He turns to the guy standing next to him and demands that he pays for the shoes.
