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[00:00]
A
I've been in this library for six hours. I'm out of snacks and energy. Plus I just realized I forgot to put deodorant on. Oh girl, you're a mess. Let's run to Target. Let's rtt. We'll grab some protein chips, body spray and deodorant and we get 20% off with target Circle so we can get those great face masks for our self care Sundays. I love an SCS. Let's get out of here. College students get 20% off their next purchase with Target Circle subject to terms. Visit target.comcircle for more details.
[00:30]
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As a loyal listener to this show, you're always challenging yourself to grow, to be better, to keep learning. And Southern New Hampshire University can help. Southern New Hampshire University offers over 200 career focused degree programs online. Plus Southern New Hampshire University has some of the lowest online tuition rates in the US So balancing school, work and life actually feels achievable and affordable too. Find your degree at SNHU.edu dial. That's SNHU.edu dial. When it comes to health and wellness, the most important thing for me is to be able to trust what I put in my body. So whether you are tackling fitness goals, a wellness routine, or shopping for family essentials, IHERB is the one stop shop for vitamins, supplements, sports nutrition, personal care, and even grocery, baby and pet products. For nearly 30 years, Iherb has delivered authentic wellness products sourced directly from trusted brands and authorized partners to more than 15 million customers worldwide. And if something doesn't meet your expectations, IHERB makes it right with easy returns and simple refunds. Visit iherb.com and use the code MINDSET for 20% off your order. Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode.
[01:57]
C
If you're out there and you want
[01:58]
B
to create the perfect morning routine, go to theperfectmorningroutine.com right now and get my free workbook and video on exactly the step by step process according to science,
[02:09]
C
of how to create a perfect morning routine.
[02:11]
B
Once again, that is the perfect morning routine. Com. Today I'm going to teach you how to overcome the fear that I find that holds most people back from creating the life that they want, which is the fear of rejection. Let's dive into it. I want you to understand that the fear of rejection is it makes sense. As humans, we are wired to have the fear of rejection in Us, because we are tribal beings. And back in ancient times, rejection from the tribe literally meant that you were going to die. Which is why rejection can feel so painful. It taps in to this survival instinct that's inside of all of us. Nobody in this world wants to be rejected. Nobody in this world likes to be rejected. And so everybody wants to avoid it in some sort of way. So it is, of course, built into our human circuitry. But I think it goes way deeper than that when you actually start to look at human psychology. So today when you look at, okay, the fear of rejection, if you get rejected and you don't see another person your entire life, you can still live. It's not a tribal thing anymore like it was before. It's not a safety thing like it was before. Now what I really think that it is is I think it's actually a self love and a self accept thing. And so our brain might still process rejection as danger, but in today's world, rejection is mostly just social. It's not a threat to your actual survival. So what we're doing though, is we're actually searching for acceptance. Not because we feel like we're going to physically be harmed or that there's death attached to it, but because we don't actually accept ourselves. And so in turn, we look towards others for acceptance, hoping that they'll give us what we're not giving ourselves. And I get it, this might not make a whole lot of sense, but by the time we get through today's episode, it's gonna make a whole lot of sense to you. And so how does the fear of rejection correlate with self love and self acceptance? So let's dive in, let's talk about it. When you look at it, let's make it really simple. We have the fear of rejection, okay? The fear of rejection. What is the opposite of rejection? It's acceptance.
[04:19]
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Right?
[04:19]
B
And so if you're afraid of rejection, what that means is that what you're really searching for is acceptance. It's like when someone has a fear of flying, they think they have a fear of flying, but flying is not the problem. They have a fear of crashing. That's what they have a fear of. And so you might think that you have a fear of rejection, but really what it is, is you're searching for acceptance. And here's where it starts to get really interesting. Why are you searching for acceptance for other people? Have you ever asked yourself that before? If you're a people pleaser, why are you searching for acceptance from other people? If you have a fear of rejection, why are you searching for acceptance from other people? Why is acceptance so important? And the reason why is because you don't accept yourself. Now, why don't you accept yourself? Well, because you don't want to accept what you are not. And you're gonna be like, what the fuck does that mean? Right? This is where I said, we're gonna start getting really deep into this. The reason why you don't accept yourself is because you don't accept what you are not. And so let me explain this whole thing. When you were a child, you were your full, 100% true, authentic self. You were loud, you were playful, you walked around without worrying what people thought of you. We all came into this world completely uninhibited, just free, doing whatever it is that we want. Free who we are without any fear of judgment. We were born into that. You weren't born with the fear of being judged by other people. But then somewhere along the way, it was programmed into us to fit in, every one of us. It was programmed into us in some way to fit in. And in turn, that turned into us caring about what other people think. Take a wild guess. Who do you think the first people who we develop this relationship we're with of wanting to fit in, wanting to be what we wanted. They. What they wanted us to be? It's your parents. And I'll give you an example. My sister was in town this past week. My sister just recently became a therapist. And she's got four kids. And her youngest kid, Joseph, he's like the craziest, wildest, funniest kid I've ever met. Like, he has just this. This personality. And like, just the stuff he says is so funny and so off the wall. And he's so Witty. And he's 13 now. And my sister came in town this week and she was talking about how much Joseph's personality has changed. And she's like, oh, he's much more quiet. He's much more reserved. It's so crazy how much his personality has changed. And so then I asked the question, I was like, do you think that it changed naturally or it changed because he's now more aware of himself? He's more aware of how he is around other people. And maybe he's just trying to fit in with his friends or what society wants him to be. Because when he was young and he was wild and he was crazy, he spent a lot of time in my sister's house, on the farm. And most of the people that he spent time with was his brothers and sisters and my sister and her husband. Now he's older, he has friends, he goes to school, he hangs out with them, he has sports. And so I was asking, do you think it's that his personality has changed because it's natural that he went into that or because he's changing as he goes in to fit in with other people? She was like, that's a crazy question. I've never thought of that before. I'm have to think about it. And so, you know, as parents, we need to socialize children. That's the way that it goes. That's the way that they fit in with society. And so what all parents do is they socialize their children. It's a necessary part of all of us growing up is we learn to fit in with society. And so we learned at some point in time, don't be loud, don't take off your clothes in public. You don't touch that. Don't hit her. We learn all of these things of what we can do and what we can't do, not necessarily what we want to do and what we don't want to do, but what we can and cannot do. And the average child is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised. That means that subconsciously, a child subconsciously in their mind thinks, there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with what I'm doing, there's something wrong with my true self eight times more than they think there's something right with me. And this all happens unconsciously. Like I don't think that a seven year old is sitting there thinking, there's something wrong with me. It's usually subconscious of like, I want to do this thing now. I'm not being accepted. There must be something wrong with my true desires. And we will be right back.
[08:47]
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[11:39]
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and now back to the show. And so this all happens unconsciously. The children aren't actually sitting there, but it really shapes their understanding of themselves and the way that they fit in with the world. And for us, all of being children at one point in time shaped us as well. And we follow what our parents and what older people tell us to do, and then we follow what our friends tell us to do and what our friends are and what makes us fit in with them and the clique that they're in. So we start to build ourselves essentially into someone else who will be accepted by other people. We take our true self, who we came into this world as, and we start to build ourself into someone else that will be accepted by other people. This is called your conditioned self. So you have your true self and then you have your conditioned self. So there's your true self, which is the version of you that you were as a child, free, unfiltered, don't care what anybody thinks about you. And then there's the conditioned self, which is the version of you that you built yourself into being for society, to be accepted by others, to be accepted by friends, to be accepted by siblings, to be accepted by your parents. And this is where the problem lies. And I want you to really understand this. You've become your conditioned self, and this is why your true self struggles to accept you. Hmm, get that? So you have built yourself into a conditioned self, a set of programs, who you're supposed to be, and it might not necessarily be who you truly are. And so it's really hard for your true self, the consciousness behind everything that you're, you're doing on a day to day basis, to accept yourself. And so what do you do? You start to believe that you need acceptance from other people. And so you mold yourself into a different version of yourself to fit in. You do it for your parents, you do it for your siblings. You do it while you're in middle school, while you're in high school, when you get into college, when you get your first job, you become someone else to fit in with the group. And now you're 20 or 30 or 60 years old and you don't know how to truly love and accept yourself. So you search for acceptance from other people, hoping that they will accept you. So you become a chameleon and you adapt yourself so that you fit in wherever you are. But what you're truly searching for is love and acceptance for yourself. If you fully Truly accept yourself. You don't have a fear of failure that much because you're already on solid ground. You're not on quicksand. Quicksand of like, oh, my gosh, I don't know if I can, if I love myself, if I accept myself. Maybe I should go ask other people if they love and they accept me. And so what you're truly searching for is acceptance from yourself. But here's the tricky part. Your true self will never fully accept your conditioned self because it's not who you are. Why? Because it's a character that you're playing. It's not truly you. I told you we were going deep today. So what the hell do you do in this situation? Well, what you need to do is this. You need to understand. Sure, we can want love and acceptance from other people, and that's a good thing. We are, you know, tribal beings. We want to. We're social animals. We want to be around people. But you don't need. Need anybody else to accept you. What you need is you to accept you. But you will never truly accept you if you're playing a character for other people to accept you. And so what you need to do is rediscover who you truly are. This is the key to real self acceptance. It's not always very obvious. It can be really subtle. You know, when I think back to, like, think back to your childhood. Think back to who you were as a child. Think back to if you see a home video of yourself as a child. How were you? What were your hobbies? What did you love to do? Did you do dancing? Did you do painting? Did you love playing sports? Did you love going out in nature? You need to rediscover your childhood self because that's who you truly are. I get it. Some of you guys are like, but I need to pay the fucking bills. We all do. I get it. But there's no reason why you can't pay the bills and have some fun with your life and be the childhood version of you that happens to be an adult as well. That child, I want you to know, is still inside of you. It's just sitting there waiting for you to reconnect, to start doing the things that you love again, to start being more creative, to start putting yourself out in nature. Ask your parents, you know, ask them about what you were like as a child. What were you passionate about? You know, for me, I recently remembered I was living downtown a few years ago, and I loved being downtown. It was great, but it was like I felt really, like, claustrophobic. Living downtown in Austin. And I remembered through, like an experience of like, I remember how much I loved being outside as a kid. When I was a kid, you know, I never had a bedroom until I was about 10 or 11 years old. And so what I would do is I would. I had to sleep on the couch. And so I slept on the couch, but we also had a couch that was outside in a screened in area. And I used to sleep outside on that couch, outside in the screened in area more than I would sleep inside. And my family was like, you used to just love being outside. You always felt free when you were outside. You'd always, you know, we grew up in Florida, so you'd always be at the beach and you'd always be playing with your friends. You'd always be outside playing baseball. And so when I lived downtown, I felt like, really crammed and I didn't feel. She didn't feel really good. And so we kept taking trips. When I lived downtown, we'd go to Sedona, and we would go all these different places. And I realized I was going to all these places where I loved the nature that was there. And it's just like tapped me back into a part of myself that I haven't had for years. But I didn't realize that until I was like 30 something years old. And so I want you to understand, like, rediscovering yourself is not like an immediate thing. It's not an overnight thing. This is like a lifelong journey. This is a rediscovery. And this is the key part is I've always been thinking to myself, like, why is it that so many of us, like, almost everybody has to lose ourselves? We have to become someone that we're not. Like, I have built myself for years in my 20s and early 30s into a different version of myself. And then I realized, like, this isn't who I am. And so I had to go on this path of rediscovery. And the reason why we have to lose ourselves is so we can find ourselves. You cannot find something that you've never lost. And so if you listen to this podcast, there's a part of you that does feel like you've lost a version of yourself, most likely. And so what you need to do is go on that path of rediscovery. So ask yourself, like, who am I? What do I love? What do I love to do? What do I miss doing? What do I not have enough time for anymore? And then what I want you to do is I Want you to start taking action towards that. You know, take, start small. If you need to take 10 minutes to do just something that you loved as a child. Dancing, drawing, playing outside, going to a park and playing soccer with your friends, or just going to pick up game of basketball, anything that could that really connects you to the joy of being yourself. Be creative in some sort of way. Remember, the journey is not about being perfect and being like, I have to figure this out, and putting stress in yourself. It's about making progress towards just rediscovering who you truly are. And so really what it comes down to is the reason why you have, like, if you're listening to other people say, like, here's how you get past the fear of rejection. Stop caring what other people think, do whatever the fuck you want. Sure, you could do that if you want. But the reason why you fear rejection, the deepest core version of you, is because you're looking for other people to accept you. And the reason why you're looking for other people to accept you is because there's a part of you that's like, somebody, please accept me. Because I don't accept me. I don't accept this version of me that I built. It might not be, and I don't want you to think like you don't accept all of you. There's definitely some versions of you that are amazing and great, but there's some version of you and everybody that we've built ourself into being a chameleon, into being somebody for somebody else. And ultimately that's not who we truly are. And so what I would recommend for you is go on a path of rediscovery and spend the rest of your life going on this journey of finding what you love, what you're passionate about, what your hobbies are, do new things, try new things, go to different places and start to find out what you love and what you want to be and who you want to be throughout your life and let go of the things that are no longer you. If something doesn't fit you now and into your future, let go of it. You won't miss it, I promise you. And then once you build yourself into who you truly are, and you build yourself into the real, true version of yourself, you won't really fear rejection because other people don't really need to accept you for you to feel better about yourself. You just need to accept you. And so ultimately, at the core of the fear of rejection is acceptance. And the person that you want to accept you is you. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram. Stories Tag me obdialjr. R O B D I A L J R and once again, if you want to download my free workbook and video on how to create the perfect morning routine based in science, go to the perfect morning routine.com right now and download it for free. And with that, I am going to leave you the same way leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.
[21:04]
D
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[21:36]
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[22:04]
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Summary5 min read

The Mindset Mentor with Rob Dial

Episode Summary: "How to Delete Your Fear of Rejection"

August 7, 2026

Overview

In this episode of The Mindset Mentor, Rob Dial explores the underlying reasons for the fear of rejection, tracing it back through our evolutionary history, early childhood socialization, and the psychological split between our "true self" and "conditioned self." Rob argues that overcoming the fear of rejection isn't about tuning out others—it's fundamentally about rediscovering and accepting your authentic self. He offers actionable steps for listeners to begin this process of self-rediscovery and provides motivational guidance for embracing self-acceptance in order to master your mindset and your life.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Evolutionary Roots of Rejection (03:00 - 04:15)

Tribal Wiring: Rob explains that the fear of rejection is biologically hardwired:

“Back in ancient times, rejection from the tribe literally meant that you were going to die. Which is why rejection can feel so painful. It taps in to this survival instinct that's inside of all of us.” (03:15)
Modern Context: In today's world, rejection is no longer a mortal threat but a social one, yet our brains still process it as danger.

2. The True Source: Lack of Self Acceptance (04:16 - 05:20)

Seeking External Acceptance: The fear of rejection is actually a search for acceptance—not from others, but of ourselves.

“If you're afraid of rejection, what that means is that what you're really searching for is acceptance.” (04:19)
People Pleasing: The drive to avoid rejection and seek approval emerges from not fully accepting ourselves.

3. Childhood Conditioning and Its Lasting Impact (05:25 - 08:45)

Uninhibited Childhood:

“When you were a child, you were your full, 100% true, authentic self...without any fear of judgment. We were born into that.” (05:36)
Socialization: As children, we’re conditioned by parents, teachers, and peers to fit in, often learning that aspects of our true selves are "wrong."
Programming:

“The average child is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised. Subconsciously, a child thinks, ‘there's something wrong with me’ eight times more than they think ‘there's something right with me.’” (07:55)

4. True Self vs. Conditioned Self (11:38 - 13:15)

Living as the Conditioned Self:

“We start to build ourselves essentially into someone else who will be accepted by other people. This is called your conditioned self.” (11:53)
Disconnect from Authenticity: Our true self struggles to accept our conditioned self, leading us to continue seeking validation from others.
Quote:

“Your true self will never fully accept your conditioned self because it's not who you are. Why? Because it's a character that you're playing.” (13:10)

5. The Path to Self-Acceptance (14:00 - 18:15)

Rediscovering Childhood Joy: Rob encourages listeners to reconnect with the hobbies, values, and passions they had as children—those authentic activities that made them feel most alive.
Action Steps:

“Start small. If you need to, take 10 minutes to do just something that you loved as a child...Anything that really connects you to the joy of being yourself.” (16:40)
Lifelong Journey:

“Rediscovering yourself is not like an immediate thing. It's not an overnight thing. This is like a lifelong journey. This is a rediscovery.” (15:54)
Letting Go of What No Longer Fits: Rob reminds listeners to let go of aspects of their life or identity that no longer resonate:

“If something doesn't fit you now and into your future, let go of it. You won't miss it, I promise you.” (18:40)

6. The Core Lesson: Acceptance Comes from Within (19:20 - 20:40)

Reframe Fear of Rejection: At its core, the fear of rejection is a search for self-acceptance—not external approval.
Final Takeaway:

“Once you build yourself into who you truly are...you won't really fear rejection because other people don't really need to accept you for you to feel better about yourself. You just need to accept you.” (20:25)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Childhood to Conditioned Self:

“We start to build ourselves essentially into someone else who will be accepted by other people. This is called your conditioned self.” (11:53)
On the Paradox of Acceptance:

“Your true self will never fully accept your conditioned self because it's not who you are...it's a character that you're playing.” (13:10)
On the Purpose of Losing Yourself:

“The reason why we have to lose ourselves is so we can find ourselves. You cannot find something that you've never lost.” (15:10)
On Action for Rediscovery:

“Start small...really connect to the joy of being yourself. Be creative in some sort of way. Remember, the journey is not about being perfect...it's about making progress towards just rediscovering who you truly are.” (16:38)
On Letting Go:

“If something doesn't fit you now and into your future, let go of it. You won't miss it, I promise you.” (18:40)
On Final Acceptance:

“The person that you want to accept you is you.” (20:40)

Timestamps for Key Segments

Tribal Fear & Modern Rejection: 03:00–04:15
Seeking Acceptance and People Pleasing: 04:16–05:20
Childhood Conditioning: 05:25–08:45
True Self vs. Conditioned Self: 11:38–13:15
Path to Rediscovery: 14:00–18:15
Core Acceptance Lesson: 19:20–20:40

Tone & Language

Rob’s tone is compassionate, passionate, and approachable. He shares both personal stories and relatable analogies, frequently urging listeners to reflect honestly and take practical steps—with plenty of empathetic encouragement.

Summary

This episode is a deep dive into why we fear rejection and how the true solution is internal, not external. Using insights from psychology, early childhood development, and his own life, Rob Dial encourages listeners to go on a journey of self-rediscovery, to let go of conditioned identities, and to fully accept their true selves. The episode concludes with the empowering message that the person you most need acceptance from is yourself.

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Transcript17 lines

[00:00]
A
I've been in this library for six hours. I'm out of snacks and energy. Plus I just realized I forgot to put deodorant on. Oh girl, you're a mess. Let's run to Target. Let's rtt. We'll grab some protein chips, body spray and deodorant and we get 20% off with target Circle so we can get those great face masks for our self care Sundays. I love an SCS. Let's get out of here. College students get 20% off their next purchase with Target Circle subject to terms. Visit target.comcircle for more details.
[00:30]
B
As a loyal listener to this show, you're always challenging yourself to grow, to be better, to keep learning. And Southern New Hampshire University can help. Southern New Hampshire University offers over 200 career focused degree programs online. Plus Southern New Hampshire University has some of the lowest online tuition rates in the US So balancing school, work and life actually feels achievable and affordable too. Find your degree at SNHU.edu dial. That's SNHU.edu dial. When it comes to health and wellness, the most important thing for me is to be able to trust what I put in my body. So whether you are tackling fitness goals, a wellness routine, or shopping for family essentials, IHERB is the one stop shop for vitamins, supplements, sports nutrition, personal care, and even grocery, baby and pet products. For nearly 30 years, Iherb has delivered authentic wellness products sourced directly from trusted brands and authorized partners to more than 15 million customers worldwide. And if something doesn't meet your expectations, IHERB makes it right with easy returns and simple refunds. Visit iherb.com and use the code MINDSET for 20% off your order. Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode.
[01:57]
C
If you're out there and you want
[01:58]
B
to create the perfect morning routine, go to theperfectmorningroutine.com right now and get my free workbook and video on exactly the step by step process according to science,
[02:09]
C
of how to create a perfect morning routine.
[02:11]
B
Once again, that is the perfect morning routine. Com. Today I'm going to teach you how to overcome the fear that I find that holds most people back from creating the life that they want, which is the fear of rejection. Let's dive into it. I want you to understand that the fear of rejection is it makes sense. As humans, we are wired to have the fear of rejection in Us, because we are tribal beings. And back in ancient times, rejection from the tribe literally meant that you were going to die. Which is why rejection can feel so painful. It taps in to this survival instinct that's inside of all of us. Nobody in this world wants to be rejected. Nobody in this world likes to be rejected. And so everybody wants to avoid it in some sort of way. So it is, of course, built into our human circuitry. But I think it goes way deeper than that when you actually start to look at human psychology. So today when you look at, okay, the fear of rejection, if you get rejected and you don't see another person your entire life, you can still live. It's not a tribal thing anymore like it was before. It's not a safety thing like it was before. Now what I really think that it is is I think it's actually a self love and a self accept thing. And so our brain might still process rejection as danger, but in today's world, rejection is mostly just social. It's not a threat to your actual survival. So what we're doing though, is we're actually searching for acceptance. Not because we feel like we're going to physically be harmed or that there's death attached to it, but because we don't actually accept ourselves. And so in turn, we look towards others for acceptance, hoping that they'll give us what we're not giving ourselves. And I get it, this might not make a whole lot of sense, but by the time we get through today's episode, it's gonna make a whole lot of sense to you. And so how does the fear of rejection correlate with self love and self acceptance? So let's dive in, let's talk about it. When you look at it, let's make it really simple. We have the fear of rejection, okay? The fear of rejection. What is the opposite of rejection? It's acceptance.
[04:19]
C
Right?
[04:19]
B
And so if you're afraid of rejection, what that means is that what you're really searching for is acceptance. It's like when someone has a fear of flying, they think they have a fear of flying, but flying is not the problem. They have a fear of crashing. That's what they have a fear of. And so you might think that you have a fear of rejection, but really what it is, is you're searching for acceptance. And here's where it starts to get really interesting. Why are you searching for acceptance for other people? Have you ever asked yourself that before? If you're a people pleaser, why are you searching for acceptance from other people? If you have a fear of rejection, why are you searching for acceptance from other people? Why is acceptance so important? And the reason why is because you don't accept yourself. Now, why don't you accept yourself? Well, because you don't want to accept what you are not. And you're gonna be like, what the fuck does that mean? Right? This is where I said, we're gonna start getting really deep into this. The reason why you don't accept yourself is because you don't accept what you are not. And so let me explain this whole thing. When you were a child, you were your full, 100% true, authentic self. You were loud, you were playful, you walked around without worrying what people thought of you. We all came into this world completely uninhibited, just free, doing whatever it is that we want. Free who we are without any fear of judgment. We were born into that. You weren't born with the fear of being judged by other people. But then somewhere along the way, it was programmed into us to fit in, every one of us. It was programmed into us in some way to fit in. And in turn, that turned into us caring about what other people think. Take a wild guess. Who do you think the first people who we develop this relationship we're with of wanting to fit in, wanting to be what we wanted. They. What they wanted us to be? It's your parents. And I'll give you an example. My sister was in town this past week. My sister just recently became a therapist. And she's got four kids. And her youngest kid, Joseph, he's like the craziest, wildest, funniest kid I've ever met. Like, he has just this. This personality. And like, just the stuff he says is so funny and so off the wall. And he's so Witty. And he's 13 now. And my sister came in town this week and she was talking about how much Joseph's personality has changed. And she's like, oh, he's much more quiet. He's much more reserved. It's so crazy how much his personality has changed. And so then I asked the question, I was like, do you think that it changed naturally or it changed because he's now more aware of himself? He's more aware of how he is around other people. And maybe he's just trying to fit in with his friends or what society wants him to be. Because when he was young and he was wild and he was crazy, he spent a lot of time in my sister's house, on the farm. And most of the people that he spent time with was his brothers and sisters and my sister and her husband. Now he's older, he has friends, he goes to school, he hangs out with them, he has sports. And so I was asking, do you think it's that his personality has changed because it's natural that he went into that or because he's changing as he goes in to fit in with other people? She was like, that's a crazy question. I've never thought of that before. I'm have to think about it. And so, you know, as parents, we need to socialize children. That's the way that it goes. That's the way that they fit in with society. And so what all parents do is they socialize their children. It's a necessary part of all of us growing up is we learn to fit in with society. And so we learned at some point in time, don't be loud, don't take off your clothes in public. You don't touch that. Don't hit her. We learn all of these things of what we can do and what we can't do, not necessarily what we want to do and what we don't want to do, but what we can and cannot do. And the average child is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised. That means that subconsciously, a child subconsciously in their mind thinks, there's something wrong with me, there's something wrong with what I'm doing, there's something wrong with my true self eight times more than they think there's something right with me. And this all happens unconsciously. Like I don't think that a seven year old is sitting there thinking, there's something wrong with me. It's usually subconscious of like, I want to do this thing now. I'm not being accepted. There must be something wrong with my true desires. And we will be right back.
[08:47]
C
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[11:39]
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and now back to the show. And so this all happens unconsciously. The children aren't actually sitting there, but it really shapes their understanding of themselves and the way that they fit in with the world. And for us, all of being children at one point in time shaped us as well. And we follow what our parents and what older people tell us to do, and then we follow what our friends tell us to do and what our friends are and what makes us fit in with them and the clique that they're in. So we start to build ourselves essentially into someone else who will be accepted by other people. We take our true self, who we came into this world as, and we start to build ourself into someone else that will be accepted by other people. This is called your conditioned self. So you have your true self and then you have your conditioned self. So there's your true self, which is the version of you that you were as a child, free, unfiltered, don't care what anybody thinks about you. And then there's the conditioned self, which is the version of you that you built yourself into being for society, to be accepted by others, to be accepted by friends, to be accepted by siblings, to be accepted by your parents. And this is where the problem lies. And I want you to really understand this. You've become your conditioned self, and this is why your true self struggles to accept you. Hmm, get that? So you have built yourself into a conditioned self, a set of programs, who you're supposed to be, and it might not necessarily be who you truly are. And so it's really hard for your true self, the consciousness behind everything that you're, you're doing on a day to day basis, to accept yourself. And so what do you do? You start to believe that you need acceptance from other people. And so you mold yourself into a different version of yourself to fit in. You do it for your parents, you do it for your siblings. You do it while you're in middle school, while you're in high school, when you get into college, when you get your first job, you become someone else to fit in with the group. And now you're 20 or 30 or 60 years old and you don't know how to truly love and accept yourself. So you search for acceptance from other people, hoping that they will accept you. So you become a chameleon and you adapt yourself so that you fit in wherever you are. But what you're truly searching for is love and acceptance for yourself. If you fully Truly accept yourself. You don't have a fear of failure that much because you're already on solid ground. You're not on quicksand. Quicksand of like, oh, my gosh, I don't know if I can, if I love myself, if I accept myself. Maybe I should go ask other people if they love and they accept me. And so what you're truly searching for is acceptance from yourself. But here's the tricky part. Your true self will never fully accept your conditioned self because it's not who you are. Why? Because it's a character that you're playing. It's not truly you. I told you we were going deep today. So what the hell do you do in this situation? Well, what you need to do is this. You need to understand. Sure, we can want love and acceptance from other people, and that's a good thing. We are, you know, tribal beings. We want to. We're social animals. We want to be around people. But you don't need. Need anybody else to accept you. What you need is you to accept you. But you will never truly accept you if you're playing a character for other people to accept you. And so what you need to do is rediscover who you truly are. This is the key to real self acceptance. It's not always very obvious. It can be really subtle. You know, when I think back to, like, think back to your childhood. Think back to who you were as a child. Think back to if you see a home video of yourself as a child. How were you? What were your hobbies? What did you love to do? Did you do dancing? Did you do painting? Did you love playing sports? Did you love going out in nature? You need to rediscover your childhood self because that's who you truly are. I get it. Some of you guys are like, but I need to pay the fucking bills. We all do. I get it. But there's no reason why you can't pay the bills and have some fun with your life and be the childhood version of you that happens to be an adult as well. That child, I want you to know, is still inside of you. It's just sitting there waiting for you to reconnect, to start doing the things that you love again, to start being more creative, to start putting yourself out in nature. Ask your parents, you know, ask them about what you were like as a child. What were you passionate about? You know, for me, I recently remembered I was living downtown a few years ago, and I loved being downtown. It was great, but it was like I felt really, like, claustrophobic. Living downtown in Austin. And I remembered through, like an experience of like, I remember how much I loved being outside as a kid. When I was a kid, you know, I never had a bedroom until I was about 10 or 11 years old. And so what I would do is I would. I had to sleep on the couch. And so I slept on the couch, but we also had a couch that was outside in a screened in area. And I used to sleep outside on that couch, outside in the screened in area more than I would sleep inside. And my family was like, you used to just love being outside. You always felt free when you were outside. You'd always, you know, we grew up in Florida, so you'd always be at the beach and you'd always be playing with your friends. You'd always be outside playing baseball. And so when I lived downtown, I felt like, really crammed and I didn't feel. She didn't feel really good. And so we kept taking trips. When I lived downtown, we'd go to Sedona, and we would go all these different places. And I realized I was going to all these places where I loved the nature that was there. And it's just like tapped me back into a part of myself that I haven't had for years. But I didn't realize that until I was like 30 something years old. And so I want you to understand, like, rediscovering yourself is not like an immediate thing. It's not an overnight thing. This is like a lifelong journey. This is a rediscovery. And this is the key part is I've always been thinking to myself, like, why is it that so many of us, like, almost everybody has to lose ourselves? We have to become someone that we're not. Like, I have built myself for years in my 20s and early 30s into a different version of myself. And then I realized, like, this isn't who I am. And so I had to go on this path of rediscovery. And the reason why we have to lose ourselves is so we can find ourselves. You cannot find something that you've never lost. And so if you listen to this podcast, there's a part of you that does feel like you've lost a version of yourself, most likely. And so what you need to do is go on that path of rediscovery. So ask yourself, like, who am I? What do I love? What do I love to do? What do I miss doing? What do I not have enough time for anymore? And then what I want you to do is I Want you to start taking action towards that. You know, take, start small. If you need to take 10 minutes to do just something that you loved as a child. Dancing, drawing, playing outside, going to a park and playing soccer with your friends, or just going to pick up game of basketball, anything that could that really connects you to the joy of being yourself. Be creative in some sort of way. Remember, the journey is not about being perfect and being like, I have to figure this out, and putting stress in yourself. It's about making progress towards just rediscovering who you truly are. And so really what it comes down to is the reason why you have, like, if you're listening to other people say, like, here's how you get past the fear of rejection. Stop caring what other people think, do whatever the fuck you want. Sure, you could do that if you want. But the reason why you fear rejection, the deepest core version of you, is because you're looking for other people to accept you. And the reason why you're looking for other people to accept you is because there's a part of you that's like, somebody, please accept me. Because I don't accept me. I don't accept this version of me that I built. It might not be, and I don't want you to think like you don't accept all of you. There's definitely some versions of you that are amazing and great, but there's some version of you and everybody that we've built ourself into being a chameleon, into being somebody for somebody else. And ultimately that's not who we truly are. And so what I would recommend for you is go on a path of rediscovery and spend the rest of your life going on this journey of finding what you love, what you're passionate about, what your hobbies are, do new things, try new things, go to different places and start to find out what you love and what you want to be and who you want to be throughout your life and let go of the things that are no longer you. If something doesn't fit you now and into your future, let go of it. You won't miss it, I promise you. And then once you build yourself into who you truly are, and you build yourself into the real, true version of yourself, you won't really fear rejection because other people don't really need to accept you for you to feel better about yourself. You just need to accept you. And so ultimately, at the core of the fear of rejection is acceptance. And the person that you want to accept you is you. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram. Stories Tag me obdialjr. R O B D I A L J R and once again, if you want to download my free workbook and video on how to create the perfect morning routine based in science, go to the perfect morning routine.com right now and download it for free. And with that, I am going to leave you the same way leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.
[21:04]
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[21:10]
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[21:20]
D
That's right.
[21:21]
E
I am always right.
[21:23]
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[21:36]
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[22:04]
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