← The Mindset Mentor
The Mindset Mentor
How to DELETE Your Fear of Rejection
00:19:47
Are you letting fear of rejection run your life? In this episode, I explain why “no” feels so painful and show you how to rewire your nervous system with simple rejection therapy so you can build courage, detach self-worth from approval, and turn more no’s into your biggest yeses.
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- [00:00]
Rob Dial
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- [01:51]
Rob Dial
Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob. Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. If you're out there and you love this podcast, do me a favor right now. Send it to a friend in a text message to try to change your life in some sort of way. Whether it's this episode or another episode that you love, just so we can try to change more people's lives. If you would do that, I would love you forever and ever and ever. Today I'm going to be talking about how to get rid of your fear of rejection and let's be real. Rejection sucks. Like, nobody really likes to be rejected. Gives you this. This feeling in the pit of your stomach when somebody says no, right? And the thing I really want to talk about before I talk about how to get past is I really want to talk about the actual rejection itself. Like, we talk about rejection kind of like it's a nuisance or like it's a. A minor inconvenience. But if we're, like, being brutally honest, like, if you really think about rejection, sometimes being rejected can feel like you got punched in the face or like a punch to the gut where it's just like, oh, God, it hurts. Like, it can feel personal, it can feel shameful, almost like you're not worth it. It can bring up all of your insecurities of not being good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or not lovable, whatever your insecurities might be. So it. It really, really can hurt. But the interesting thing about rejection is we try to avoid it as much as we possibly can, like, as if it's the enemy. But what if rejection wasn't your enemy? Like, what if rejection was the absolute training ground for the traits and the characteristics that you actually want within yourself? Like, rejection is how you build courage. You cannot build courage unless you're willing to put yourself out there and be rejected and face it. Facing rejections is required for you to build a life of freedom and for you to build a life of success. So the very training ground of what we want in life and who we want to be oftentimes comes from having to be rejected. And so the truth is rejection, in my opinion, if you're afraid of it, if you're listening this episode, you're probably afraid of in some way, I think that you should actually actively seek out rejection. The most successful people in the world didn't become successful by dodging as many no's as they possibly could. They got there by piling up rejection so high that they're near immune to rejections at this point. And so let's go deeper into it. Let's talk about rejection, what it is, why it hurts so much, and how to get past it. I want to talk with you about, like, the neuroscience of it, the psychology of it, and then actually how to practice rejection and why you should be chasing it. And I want to talk about this today because, you know, yesterday I was at a farmer's market with my wife, and right outside the farmer's market, there was this lady, she was sitting there and she was just asking for signups. And we were watching her and it was just rejection, rejection, rejection. And what was wild is that she got rejected over and over and over again. I don't care what it was. She was like trying to save the pandas or turtles or. I don't remember what it was. She was trying to save something. And even when she got a no and we watched her get another no and another no, her enthusiasm didn't waver from one person to the next, which I loved. And I was watching, my wife was like, oh, I can never do that, could you? And I was looking at it and I was like, yeah, I could do that. I mean, I don't want to do it, but I could do it. And the reason why is because I have been in sales since I was 19 years old, so over two decades at this point. And I've made hundreds of thousands of cold calls. Maybe at this point, I've done presentations and had so many people say no to my face. And I have detached my self worth from someone saying no to me. When I was first in sales, though, getting a no felt like myself with getting destroyed. And so after you get enough no's and you. And if you're, if you have young children, like, please get them into some form of sales. If you are young, please get into some form of sales. Because the more hard work and rejection that you can get over your younger years, the better it will pay off as you become older and you get so many no's after a while that a no can actually become fun and rejection becomes. Actually becomes fun. And so let's talk about why rejection hurts so much before we talk about how to actually transform it. Like, let's acknowledge the reality that rejection hurts because your brain actually acts like it's life or death. In neurology, it backs it up. When you're rejected, your anterior cingulate cortex and your insula, which are the same brain regions that light up when you feel physical pain, light up. So when you look at it, a simple no hurts. When we're like, oh my God, that hurts. It hurts to be rejected. It's actually because your nervous system is wired to get the same parts of your brain to come online to treat rejection like it's actual physical pain. And that's why rejection feels like danger to you. You want to naturally avoid it. It is natural for us to want to avoid it because over the course of evolution, you know, thousands of years ago, when you're rejected from the tribe, literal exile, exile meant death. And so your brain and your wiring is saying, no, we don't want to get rejected. We don't want to get kicked out of the tribe. That wiring didn't just vanish because humans invented iPhones and Amazon. Your brain still equates social exclusion with a mortal thread. And so I just want to say that before we dive in, because I think that you should cut yourself some slack. Like, if rejection feels heavy, it's not because you're weak. It's because you're a human. Okay? And so now here's the mental shift that I want to give you for today. Instead of measuring success by how many times you get accepted, you should start measuring your success by how many times you get rejected. Like, for instance, if you're in sales and you know that your closing ratio is 40% and you know because you've been doing it for long enough, then instead of saying, well, I just need to get four sales, you could also think about it as, I just need to get six nos. And you start measuring your nos and your yeses in some sort of way of being a win. Because every single no that you get gets you that much closer to a yes. And so you can measure your success by how many times you're rejected. Like, think about it. If you set a goal for yourself of getting 10 sales, let's say it's two sales, right? And we're working off of your averages. What if you just flipped it for just the week and your goal Was to hear 10 nos this week? How differently would you go at it? Like, it is a win every single time that someone turns you down. Like, to think of it instead of. Because most people think, oh, if I get a no or I get rejected, that's a failure. What if just for the next week, just try it out, See if it works or not for you. Just try to get rejected 10 times. Try to get reject as many times you can, because if you do, you'll no longer chase approval of other people. When you're trying to get no's, what you're really doing is you're starting to chase courage. And rejection stops feeling like a failure. And it becomes proof that you are playing game, the game of life at one of the highest levels that there is. And this is, this whole psychological principle is called desensitization. And it means basically that you have so much repeated exposure to the thing that you're afraid of, and your brain registers, oh, I'm so afraid of this thing. I'm getting repeated exposure. I'm not dying. Like, there's no catastrophic consequences. And over time, your brain goes, well, maybe we shouldn't have this fear as much. So in plain English, it means the more rejections that you collect, the less that they sting. The more times that you're rejected, the less you care. The more times you're rejected, the less you see it as a reflection of your self worth. The people with the highest fear, like the most that are the most afraid of fear are the ones who haven't been rejected very much. Like the people who are the most afraid of being rejected are the ones who have not been rejected very much. And the people that are least afraid of rejection are the ones who have been rejected the most. And guess what? They're still alive. And they know they're still alive. And so they're going, well, last time I got rejected, I didn't die, so it must not be that bad. And so it's basically exposure therapy. You know, that's what psychologists call it, exposure therapy. Entrepreneurs, if you're an entrepreneur, if you're a salesperson, if you're, you know, any of those, we call it rejection therapy. Rejection therapy became popular through deliberate games that, you know, these wild people that are entrepreneurs and salespeople came up with, which is like, hey, I'm going to do rejection therapy, which means I'm going to seek out rejection by asking the most ridiculous things I possibly can, like asking for ridiculous favors that you expect no one to say yes to just so you can go out and get rejected. Or going to a store and asking for a discount every single time you're at a store, or daring yourself to do things that just scare you not because you expect a yes from somebody, but because of the fact you're actually trying to get a no. Like you're trying, you're seeking out instead of trying to get a yes and to be accepted, which is what we all kind of do unconsciously. It's like, I'm going to actively seek out people saying no to me. I'm going to actively seek out rejection. Because you're training your nervous system to stop panicking at no. The mindset mentor is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com, progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match, limited by state law. Not available in all states.
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- [12:00]
Rob Dial
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Like, for instance, you might not be afraid of snakes at all. Like you don't like them, but you're not like terrified of them, right? There is another person in this world somewhere that is absolutely deathly afraid of snakes. Now it is the exact same circumstance, the exact same situation. There's a snake that's in the room, you can see it and go, oh, that's an ugly animal. I don't really care for it. And the other person can literally start to have anxiety from it. Which the only difference is it's the same stimulus, it's a different response to your nervous system than it is to their nervous system. So you need to focus on training your nervous system to stop panicking at the nose. And so psychological experience have shown us over and over again that people who try rejection therapy, here's the interesting thing, they didn't really stop feeling anxious or scared of no's, but they stopped letting that scared feeling dictate their actions. So really what it did was it wasn't about erasing fear, it was about building courage. And so you could still feel the fear, but you have courage to do it anyways. It's about acting despite the Fact that you're afraid of something, it's really building your courageous muscles more than anything else. And this is why so many great leaders and so many great entrepreneurs, when they're younger, at some point in time, cut their teeth in sales is because sales is really just like rejection boot camp. Like, if you're in sales, you're basically waking up and asking yourself to get kicked in the crotch 50 times a day. Like, you get door after door slammed in front of you. You get no after, no after no. When you pitch somebody, you get people that hang up on the phone, you get people that yell at you, and eventually you just start getting yeses and you realize, okay, well, If I call 100 people, a certain percentage of them will say yes. A certain percentage will say no. So why don't I just call the 100 people and then I can get my yeses and the no's are just going to happen anyways. You know, we used to have a phrase when I was in sales, when I was the first company I worked for, and it was. It was, some will, some won't. So what, who's next? That's it. Some will, some won't. So what, who's next? Eventually, you just stop trying to be rejected like, you're trying. You're stopped trying to not be rejected and just realize that rejection is just part of the rhythm of progress. Like, every single no gets you closer to that next yes. And so this is the key. Chasing rejection isn't about breaking yourself down. It's about trying to retrain your brain and your nervous system to stop equating no with danger. And so let's talk about how you retrain your nervous system. Okay? Like, how do you actually do this? Because there's a science and tested roadmap to be able to do this. So the first thing is this, number one, is you want to. And this is my challenge for everybody listening to me right now. I want you to get rejected today. I want you to put yourself out there. Some of you guys, your stomach's just got all tight, right? You're like, oh, my God, I don't know if I want to be rejected, then that means you need to be rejected. So this is what you need to do step by step. Okay? Number one is you need to set some sort of rejection goal. So instead of saying, like, I want to land three clients this week, it could be like, hey, I'm not going to stop until I get 10 rejections and you win regardless of the outcome. As long as you just get 10 rejections. Or it could be, you know what? I want to ask something so ridiculous that somebody says no to me, like, today, I want to be rejected today. What can you do? Okay, that goes on to. Step number two is you play the rejection game. I remember seeing this years ago on like when Ted was at TED talks were the very beginning of the, you know, 15 years ago. I want to say that there was this guy that put this TED Talk out and he was talking about how he was so deathly, like, terrified of rejection and he realized that it was just destroying his life. And he's like, you know what? I'm going to make it a goal to go and get rejected a hundred times over the next 100 days. I'm just going to get rejected once a day. And so he had to come out with these weird ways to try to, like, get people to reject him. And his goal was to get one rejection a day. And so he would go into like, like. And what was wild about it too is that he was so surprised how many weird things that people actually said yes to. Like, he went in, it was around the time of the Olympics. He went into Dunkin Donuts and he's like, yeah, can I have these donuts? Created into the shape and colors of the Olympic rings. And they're like, yeah, we're not really busy right now, we could try it. And he was like, oh, I wasn't expecting to say yes. So then they said yes to him and then they gave him for free because they're like, that was so much fun. We haven't had anybody do something like that before. He went up to another guy's house and he was like, hey, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna try to get rejected. I have a soccer ball. I'm gonna walk up to some random person's house, knock on the door and ask if I can play soccer in their backyard. The very first guy knocks on his door, he's like, hey, can I play soccer in your backyard? And the guy's like, how long do you want to play? He's like, I don't know, like 10 minutes? He goes, yeah, I guess, go ahead. And the guy just lets him in his frickin backyard to play soccer. And what he realized is that over and over and over again, he started actually not fearing rejection. He was trying to be rejected. And he realized that sometimes when he was trying these outlandish things would have some of the coolest experience of his life. And so how can you do this? Ask for a discount at the coffee shop today, walk in and just ask for 30%. Why? They're like, well, you know, okay, it's going to be $5.34. Can I get 30% off? They'll always go, why? You just go, I don't know. Just be cool. You'd be surprised how many people actually go, ah, okay, we'll do it. I had this one time, this was years ago, and one of the things that I was coaching, this is probably nine years ago at this point. I had everybody try rejection therapy. And I said, I want you to go and ask for 30% off at whatever store you walk into next. And one of the ladies walked into a purse store, asked for 30% off. And the lady goes, for what? And she goes, I don't know. Just because I thought we had a pretty good connection. And the lady goes, you know what we did? She gave her 30% off. She saved like $1,000 on a purse just because she asked for it. Right. Do something that's going to get you rejected or try to be rejected in some sort of way. Ask a stranger for an oddly specific favor. You know, ask for to be part of an opportunity that you're definitely not, quote, unquote, qualified for. You know, half the time you'd be rejected. Half the time you'll be really shocked at how many people actually say yes. So that's the second thing. Okay, I want you to play the rejection game. Number three is I want you to track the no's, write them down, pen and paper. Here's the reason why. When you keep a rejection journal and you record each no over time, how it felt, what you learned over time, because you're writing it down and you're actually processing it deeper. When you write it down, the sting of rejection will fade. And then number four, I want you to build up gradually. I don't want you to jump into the most terrifying task first because that can backfire on you. You know, you're still just trying this out. You're just a young little pup trying it out. So try to build step by step. Like, go for, like a micro ejection today. You know, that's like the 30% off at a coffee shop. Then you want to go for a little bit more aggressive, like a medium mask in the next couple days. And then you want to ask for some crazy, outlandish thing. But the thing that you're trying to do is just trying to get yourself exposure therapy to it. And then number five, the last part of it is to celebrate your Wins. When you don't get a no or when you go out and you get a no, don't just shrug it off. Like, celebrate it. Like, high five yourself. You know, post it on your scoreboard of your rejections, and then that will flip the emotional script of rejection hurts to rejection is actually kind of fun. And so, you know, I like to think of rejection like a fire. Like a fire can be deadly. And if you've never seen a fire before, it could terrify you. But the more time that you spend near a fire, controlled, intentional exposure, the more that you realize that fire isn't your enemy. Like it fire forges steel. Fire will cook your food. Fire will warm your body when it's warm outside. And so rejection is kind of like that. And it can seem terrifying until you actually learn how to use it. You know, it can forge the resilience that's within you. So if you avoid rejection, it's kind of like a fire. Stay cold. When you step into it and you step closer to it, that's how you actually start to harden yourself to become more unstoppable. And so when you look at the people that you admire the most, the greatest entrepreneurs or artists or leaders, they're not rejection proof, they're just rejection trained. You know, when you look at, like, J.K. rowling, you know, she was rejected by 12 publishers before somebody accepted Harry Potter. When you look at Stephen King, his first novel, Carrie was rejected 30 times. When you look at Dr. Seuss, he was rejected 27 times before his first book became a bestseller. When you look at Colonel Sanders of kfc, he was rejected by over a thousand restaurants when he pitched his fried chicken recipe before finding one partner that would say yes. When you look at Michael Jordan, Michael Jordan, the greatest basketball player ever to play the game. We could probably debate between him and LeBron, but I would say Michael Jordan because I'm old school. But he was cut from his, his, his varsity basketball team when he was young. And so it's like, you have to understand so many successful people have had many, many, many, many no's and many rejections. Your challenge this week is to go out and collect as many rejections as possible. Make it a game, keep the score. Watch how you stop caring as much and it starts becoming more fun. And then here's what I want you to do. Here's my challenge for you. Go and get rejected in some crazy way. Send me an email, robdile.com and let me know what kind of crazy shit you did this week, because I know a certain percentage you are not going to do this at all, but a certain percentage you are wild just like I am. Go out and do it and then send me an email because rejection is not a dead end. You know, every no that you have gets you one step closer to the yes that changes everything in your life. And as I always say, if you don't risk anything in this life and you play safe your entire life, you risk everything. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram. Stories Tag me and obdialjr R O B D I A L J R and if you're out there and you love this podcast and you want to learn more about working with me a little bit more in depth, you can go to coachwithrob.com, once again coachwithrob.com to see about different programs that I have for you. And with that, I'll leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.
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