Rob Dial (2:05)

Today I'm going to be talking about.

Rob Dial (2:06)

How to talk to anyone because your entire life is shaped by by how you communicate. Your career, your relationships, your self worth and everything that you will get out of your life. All rises or falls on your ability to connect with other people and yet no one actually taught you how to master the skill of communication. And so most of us are walking around rehearsing what to say. We're terrified of Silence. We don't want to say the wrong thing. We're stuck in conversations that never go deeper than stuff like, well, what do you do? But communication isn't just about having the right words. It's about creating a connection. And that is a skill set that anybody can learn. And so today I'm going to actually break down the psychology of real connection between you and another person. We're going to talk about how to connect and talk with any other person. And I'm also going to teach you why the way that you're currently communicating might be completely wrong. And so if you want to be remembered, if you want to be respected, if you want to be felt by another person, stay with me, because I'm going to teach you a couple of things that you've probably never heard of before.

Rob Dial (3:25)

Okay?

Rob Dial (3:26)

So if you've ever left a conversation thinking, oh, maybe I said the wrong thing, or I think I talked too much, or I was probably awkward, or maybe they took that the wrong way, I want you to really listen deeply to what I'm going to be talking about here, because I want to help you unlearn everything that you were taught about communication. Because most of us weren't taught to connect and to communicate with other people. We were actually taught unconsciously, not on purpose, to perform for other people. We were taught to change ourselves, to try to be liked by. By another person. We learned how to be liked, but we didn't really learn how to make other people feel like they're liked. And if I'm being completely honest, people can unconsciously feel when someone is being fake. And so if we're performing for other people, that means that we're not being our true selves. And those people might not be able to say why. They can tell, like, something's off, but in the back of their mind, they might be thinking, like, ah, that person was okay. But like, I don't feel like we really connected. And it's because they didn't connect with the true version of you. They connected with the version of you that was trying to be liked and trying to be interesting and trying to be cool or trying to perform in some sort of way. And so what's wrong is that we have been taught to think, like, if I say the right thing, then they'll like me. But deep connection isn't about the words. It's about everything that's behind the words. Okay? And so let's go deeper into this. A human brain is really, really complex. But if you zoom out to like, 50,000ft. And you look down at what a human brain does. It's kind of simple, right? The human brain is always asking itself, am I safe? That's it. It's just trying to feel safe and to. In a conversation with somebody else, their brain is unconsciously saying to themselves, and am I safe with you? When they're in a conversation with you, am I safe with you? Right. People want to feel comfortable. And the other person who you're talking to, their nervous system is scanning you and seeing. You know, it's always scanning 247 for threats, not likability. And so the reason why I say this is because most people are unconsciously, in a moment of a conversation with you in the back of their head, not thinking this or not thinking this consciously. I promise you this. Am I safe with you? Am I safe with you? Am I safe with you? And they're most likely performing as well. And so this is what's really important to understand, because most of us have been taught to perform and to try to be liked and to try to be interesting. They're most likely performing for you because that's what most of us are taught, because we've kind of all been taught that. And so this scanning at every single moment is something that's called neuroception. It is the subconscious process of the brain's neural circuits detecting cues of safety or danger in the environment without the actual conscious awareness. And so basically, your body's subconscious radar, it's asking, do I feel safe? Do I feel safe in this situation? So their unconscious radar, subconscious radar, is saying, do I feel safe? Do I feel safe with this person? Can I be present? Are they judging me or are they with me? And so the question is, do you give this other person a space to make them feel safe enough so that they don't have to perform anymore? Think about that for a second. Most people are sitting around being like, I need to take another course on how to communicate and how to be better on stage and how to say the right things. But real communication comes from connection. And the question is, if this person is performing because we're all performing, do you give them the space to make them feel safe so that they feel like they don't need to perform? They can let their guard down, and do you make them feel comfortable enough for them to be themselves? If you can do that, you can connect with any other human. If that's the thing that's in the front of your mind. You're not judged by what you say you're felt by what your nervous system transmits to them and what their nervous system feels from you. And if you can make somebody feel safe around you, they will love being around you. If you can make somebody not feel like they have to perform and be somebody else, they will love being around you, they will want to communicate with you, and they will feel more connected with you than most people in their lives. And we will be right back.

Rob Dial (8:09)

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Rob Dial (11:07)

And now back to the show. Real world example, right? You ever meet somebody and like, the person says the right things, but like, something feels off? Like on paper they feel like, yeah, this could be this person's great person. Talk to all of this stuff. But you're like, something feels off and you can't really put your finger out. Like you couldn't actually say in words what it is. But your body's like, something's not right. That's neuroception. And so you, if you want a deeper connection with another human, you need to regulate yourself before you try to relate with another person. One of the best ways to do it is to slow your breathing. One of my very first mentors said this to me when I was learning how to communicate and learning how to manage people. When I was in, you know, 20, 21 years old, I was learning how to manage people sometimes two or three times my age. And he would say, slow down, take a deep breath. The person who breathes the slowest controls the conversation. And so I always remember that when I was nervous, I'm 21 years old, I'm interviewing somebody that's 45, 50 years old. Like, they got way more life experience. I just, okay, I need to slow my breathing because if I want to control the conversation, I need to breathe slow. The person who slows their con who breathes the slowest controls the conversation. So slow your breathing, anchor your body, drop your shoulders, soften your face. And I want you to understand, like, most of us are focusing on trying to say the right words. But communication is 7% words, 38% tonality, and 55% body language. Let me say that again. 7% words, 38% tonicity, and 55% body language. So 93% of your communication with another human is not even the words that you use. Everyone's focused on trying to say the right words. But communication is way more than just the words. So does that person feel the connection with you? Okay. The next thing you want to focus on in order to have a better connection with another human is to try to get better at asking questions. The right questions will really make somebody feel connected to you and you connected to them. We're taught to try to impress people with stories and to look cool and to try to impress. But real connection is built when you make somebody else feel like the main character. Not when you talk about your accomplishments and all the cool stuff that you've done and try to make yourself the main character, but to make somebody else feel like they're the main character. I don't think people understand how much other people in this world are, are just dying to feel seen and heard. Like so many people are just dying for a real human connection. Like they want to be seen by another human, they want to be heard by another human. They don't want to be judged, they just want to be understood. And so if you can do that, people will feel a deeper connection with you and feel safe around you. And so this is the reason why asking powerful questions, and I'll give you examples in a minute, is magnetic in communication. Number one, questions shift the spotlight. And so when you're the person who asks questions, you're the one that's controlling the conversation. Most people, as I said in a conversation, are in performance mode. When you ask a question that's about them or something that they love, they tend to break the routine and the monotony of like everyday communication. And they wake up for a minute and they can be their true selves. So instead of being like, oh, yeah, you know, how's the weather, how's your.

Rob Dial (14:39)

Job, how's your day?

Rob Dial (14:41)

Those questions suck. Those never go deep, right? So what you're trying to do is you're trying to break the monotony of routine and just normal everyday conversation. And so what we want to do is ask better questions. Like, this is huge, is to just get better at asking questions. Questions create psychological permission. People don't open up because you're nice. People open up because you create permission. Like you create a space for them to be able to open up. A well timed question is like saying, hey, I see you, I hear you, and your interests are important to me. People love to talk about what they love. People love to talk about their interests, especially if nobody ever asked them about it. And when you see somebody's body language change, you see their eyes light up and get bigger, you see that they're starting to be more emphatic in the way that they move and their tonality, but also their body language. You found something. Ask them more questions about them. That's where you want to dive in is on that. And so like examples of like instead of saying like what do you do? Like, I wish that nobody would ever ask me that question for the rest of my life. What do you do? Like, ask questions like, well, what made you choose that path? What do you love about it? Like, what's the most fun part about what you do? Those questions make them have to think and actually be more present with you. And now you're asking them questions about what's the most fun part? What do you love? Like, what do you love about it? It's making them think differently. And now they're breaking the routine of everyday communication. You know, if you're talking with someone, you're instead of saying like, well how, how was your weekend? Just like change the question of what was the best part of your weekend? And what I would recommend if you listen to this conversation, you really want to get better at communication and connection with other people, is to make a list. And you can use ChatGPT if you wanted to, to do this. Like make a list of questions to ask people where they're just like really cool questions that people probably never get asked. Like a question like what's something that people never ask you but you wish that they would. That usually opens people up immediately. One of my, one of my mentors like 20 years ago, used to ask this question. He was so interested in people. Like that was one thing that was great about him. And he used to always say, what's your story? How did you become who you are? And he used to get into like the deepest conversations. His name was John. John used to get like the deepest conversation because he would say, what's your story? How did you become who you are? And people are like, oh my God, I don't know. And they like have to think and talk about things that they haven't talked about a long time. Another good question I love is what would the 10 year old version of you be proud of right now? Another good question is if you weren't.

Rob Dial (17:22)

You and I weren't being normal right now, like quote unquote normal right now.

Rob Dial (17:26)

What would you want to talk about? And the last one is what's something you secretly nerd out about that most people don't know about you. Like, these are questions that just break the normal everyday communication that you have with somebody and allows you to go to deep with them. The goal here isn't to be interesting, it's to be interested. This is something that I've had to switch my brain on since I was younger because I was always, I didn't have a whole lot of self worth and I wasn't really great at communicating. So I was like, I need to look cool and I need to act cool. I need to be interesting. No, you don't want to be interesting. You want to be interested. Ask questions that invite someone's inner world to actually come out. Okay. The next thing that's really important I want to talk about is the power of the pause, like pausing and letting silence be there. Because most people think that pause is like awkwardness. But the truth is the pause is where the real you gets to show up in this conversation. The pause tells the other person, I'm listening to you. You don't need to rush. I'm not here to impress, I'm just here to connect. It gives them a space. And the pauses is where usually you really start to learn more about somebody. When you rush to fill silence, what you're really saying to that person is, I'm uncomfortable with silence, so let me protect both of us with noise, right? Like you don't want to do that. But when you hold space and you can be silent with someone, even if for just one breath longer, you invite them to go deeper and to go deeper with people. And you just sit there and you allow it to be a little bit of a space. People will start to spill more information they've never talked about. My very first one on one coach that I hired when I was 19 years old used to tell me, wait three seconds and then respond. And the reason why is because people's wisdom lives in the next thing that somebody says after they pause, right? Like that's where the gold is. If you pause, they feel like they need to fill the space. And so what they just said and they stopped saying when they stopped talking was just like the typical pattern of a conversation. Now that they want to fill that space, they're like, I gotta talk about something else. And what happens is they talk about something else or go deeper into what they were just talking about. And so it's like, ah, everyday conversation. Everyday conversation, they stop. One Mississippi, two Mississippi. They usually start immediately. Three Mississippi. Like if you can get to three, then you can start talking. But usually what they do is then they go deeper into what they were just talking about. And now they've broken the typical pattern of a conversation, and they go deeper. If you interrupt the silence too soon, you'll never hear it. And so challenge. I'll give you real quick your next conversation. Count to three before you reply, and just see what, like, magic comes up in that conversation. Okay? And the last thing I want to talk about is matching their energy. Matching the energy doesn't mean that you're just only mirroring body language and performance and volume. Like, that is kind of true. Matching their energy is really just trying to think that you're trying to calibrate to somebody else's nervous system. It's called CO regulation. And so an attuned conversation kind of feels like a dance, right? Like you're in a dance somebody, not a performance. It's like a dance with somebody. And so you've got to ask yourself during a conversation with somebody, like, how can I show this person? And how can they feel like I'm connected to them? And, you know, it's a feeling, it's not a performance. You're trying to find a version of you, a true version of you, that feel like. That feels like it's in the conversation pocket with them. And so you're not trying to act like you're someone else. You know, you're trying to be in. You're trying to be the truest version of yourself, connecting with this other person. And once again, they will unconsciously notice it. I promise you that. And so if you want to become somebody that anybody can talk to and be a great communicator, you've got to understand a few different things. And these are my challenges for you this week. Okay? Number one, before you speak, breathe, slow down, let your nervous system chill out so that you can regulate yourself and they will regulate their nervous system unconsciously to yours. The second thing, get better at asking real questions. Like, real questions. Not that typical BS that everybody says to each other. The next one, let the silence stretch. Don't interrupt the moment. Let it deepen. And then the last part of it is just reflect the emotion, not the words of the other person. Like, let them know that you feel them, not just hear them. So that is what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me Obdow Jr R O B D I A L J R. And.

Rob Dial (22:03)

If you want to learn more about.

Rob Dial (22:04)

Coaching with me outside the podcast. You can learn more@coachwithrob.com Once again, Coach with Rob.

Rob Dial (22:10)

And with that I'm going to leave.

Rob Dial (22:11)

You the same way leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.

Rob Dial (22:18)

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