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Get IXL now and the Mindset Mentor listeners get an exclusive 20% off of IXL membership when they sign up@ixl.com MindsetMentor. Visit ixl.com Mindsetmentor to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price. Foreign welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host Rob. Dial if you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another episode. And if you're out there and you've ever gotten any value from this podcast, do me a favor. Send this podcast or another podcast episode to one of your friends. If you would do that. It would help us change the world a small little way. And I would love you forever for doing so. So if you do that, you, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. Today, I'm going to be giving you four pieces of relationship advice to help you improve your relationships. Now, I am not a relationship coach, but I have been with my wife now for well over a decade. And at the same time, I have worked with many people that are in relationships and also getting into relationships, getting out of relationships, getting a divorce, seeing why they get a divorce, talking them through their struggles with relationships. This is one of the things that I think a lot of people really need to hear. These four different pieces that have helped my life massively in my relationship with my wife, but also my relationship with everyone else that I know. So let's go ahead and dive into it. Number one most important relationship advice that I can give you is this. The most important relationship that you'll ever have is with yourself. Stop acting like it's the least important relationship that you have. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation to every other human connection that you have in life. It shapes how you view the world. It shapes how you treat other people, and ultimately how other people are going to treat you as well. You cannot tell me that you can love yourself at 50%, but give 100% to everybody else. No. Because the amount that you love and accept yourself will either expand or retract how much you can give out to other people as well. A broken relationship with yourself leads to insecurities within yourself. It leads to doubts within yourself. It leads to toxic patterns and triggers that ripple into other relationships that you have with other people as well. So many people act like their relationship with their children is important, which it is. Their relationship with their spouse is important. It is. Their relationship with everybody else is important. There is. The relationship with their boss is important. It is. But you know what? My relationship with myself, I'll get to that later. Like, some people really like actually not being sarcastic, prioritize the relationship with their boss more than they prioritize the relationship with their self. They will show up more for their boss more than they will show up for themselves. And so when we neglect our own self worth, we look to other people to fill that void. So we may start to look at other people and say, hey, like, unconsciously, I don't feel worthy within myself. I need you to show me some love. I will tolerate whatever you will do to me so that therefore I can at least feel like my void that I have within myself that comes from my lack of self worth is being filled. And so we might start to tolerate being treated poorly by other people. We seek external validation from other people whenever we don't have internal validation. And we can over rely on other people to, to make us feel whole or worthy. And it has been shown that prioritizing self love makes us more likely to cultivate healthier relationships with other people. So you can't think that you're just going to have a great relationship with everybody else in your life, but have this negative person that lives inside of your own head that just beats you up, that brings you down, that makes you feel like you're not worthy. You know, so many different studies in psychology show that self compassion, practicing it actually lowers your cortisol levels, which is your stress hormone, and increases your resilience in all of your other relationships. Because when you regulate your own nervous system, you're less likely to project your anxiety and your anger and your fears and all of the other crap that's in your head onto other people. Which means your relationships will naturally become calmer, healthier and better as well. So the first step is recognizing that your self relationship, like putting time and energy into yourself, is not selfish, even though so many people have been told that it is. It's about acknowledging yourself for the human that has needs, that needs to set boundaries, to have a really, really strong sense of who you are. Like, think about it, if you don't know who you are like at your core and have a great relationship with yourself, what like in knowing what you need, how can you truly expect any, anyone else to know how to love you? Well, you can't. You know, if you don't trust yourself or love yourself, you'll constantly look for someone else to fill that gap. And that leads to imbalances in relationships. This is where codependency takes root, where you say, oh, I rely on this other person for this thing and for that thing to, for love and for acceptance and for worth. Like no, there's no way that you can get all of those other things from one person, you know, so healing yourself is forgiving yourself, healing past traumas, working through them, getting rid of your negative self talk, getting rid of your internalized beliefs about how you're not worthy or not lovable or not good enough, forgiving other people, forgiving yourself. You know, you must meet your own needs, your own emotional needs before expecting anyone else can do so. The better relationship that you have with yourself, the better relationship that you can have with Other people. So that's number one. Number two, do not expect another person ever to complete you. No one can complete you. You are not incomplete, so therefore you cannot be completed. Right? The idea that someone else can quote, unquote, complete you is a ridiculous idea that's been popularized by movies and books. But in reality, it sets a really dangerous example of what a real relationship actually is. Right? And hear me closely on this. Nobody is responsible for filling the gaps within your own self worth or trying to make you feel whole. No one can do that. And that just in all honesty, is way too much pressure for another person. That's way too much of a burden for another person to take on. They've already got their own shit. You want to throw your shit on top of them as well. It's impossible. But you know, if that's the case, if you look for the other person to fill your voids and to make you feel better about yourself, what happens when that person's gone? What happened when that person's not around? You feel less than again. And so you are never truly healed. You know, psychologists call this, it's called the external locus of control. And so it is when your self worth is outsourced to somebody else. You're always at the mercy of someone else's actions. If that's the case, and it creates this fragility in your relationships. Wholeness is really about internal stability and being able to say, hey, I'm okay, whether you're here or not. Like healthy relationships are not about finding your other half or whatever the movies want to say. It's about two complete individuals coming together to support each other, to grow together. That's what it comes down to. Two complete individuals coming together. And it comes from a place of I choose you versus I'm lonely and I need you. Like, think about this for a second. Do you want someone to choose you or do you want someone to need you? I don't know. Someone. Someone needing me does not sound sexy, right? Like if you can only have one, is it choosing you or needing you? You're probably going to say someone that chooses you, right? When you expect someone to complete you, it places. And I'm gonna say it again. So much unnecessary pressure on them to meet all of your emotional needs. That's too much pressure for another person. Like they've already got all their own stuff they're trying to work through. And so when you are working yourself, you're already whole and you're not looking for someone else to make you happy. You're not going to cling to anybody else. You're just simply here because I want to make your life better, and you're here because you want to make my life better as well. And so the goal really should be to find wholeness within yourself. Because when two whole people come together, the relationship then becomes a space for growth and to mutually support each other in becoming the best that you could possibly be. And then you both amplify each other's strengths and help each other evolve and become better, rather than trying to fix each other and trying to fill voids within each other's self worth. And so it's really important to understand that no partner, no matter how wonderful, how loving, how sweet, how supportive they are, can be everything for you. And once again, that's just too much pressure for another person. So that's the second one. Number three is that love is a choice and not a feeling. I don't know about you, but after having a baby, my time is very limited. And when life is full, time is usually tight. Instacart helps you stay on track Instacart is more than a grocery app. It's a care company that works around your schedule. Get groceries and household essentials delivered in as fast as 30 minutes. Whether you're hosting a barbecue, getting back from a trip, or juggling back to school chaos. With reliable shoppers and a platform you can count on, Instacart delivers quality and convenience without cutting corners, so you can focus on what matters most. We get our groceries delivered to us every single week, sometimes multiple times a week, and it's just helped us so much in saving time. So download the Instacart app and use the code MINDSET20 to get $20 off your first order of $80 or more. 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So turn those what ifs into why nots and keep giving those big dreams the best shot with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today@shopify.com dialogue. Go to shopify.com dial that is shopify.com dial. It's a choice and not a feeling. And if you're never been in a real long term relationship, I think this one's kind of hard to understand. But for those of you guys have been in a really long term relationship, you can kind of start to understand this, right? Because with all of the movies and the books and the rom coms like we think of love as this all consuming emotion that happens and we're head over heels. It's beyond our control. No, that what they put in movies most of the time is called infatuation. It's not really love, right? And that's what you see in all the rom coms and all the movies. But if you think that that's what love is all the time, then every relationship is going to fall short. Because a long relationship is going to have ups, it's going to have downs, it's going to have tragedies, it's going to have people that die, it's going to have needing to be there for each other. You know, in relationship this is going to happen. But also in life there's going to be ups and downs, right? So the relationship's going to be up, it's going to be down, it's going to be up, it's going to be down. Life is going to be up. It's going to be down, it's going to be up, it's going to be down in this all consuming feeling. Won't be there all of the time. It can be there a lot, but it won't be there all of the time. And you know, while you look at it and you. Yes, a hundred percent. I'm not saying, I'm not saying that love doesn't mean passion and doesn't mean any of that type of stuff. It definitely can mean that. But really it's a choice of connection that is a series of conscious choices that we also have to make every single day. Love is a decision. It's this decision of listen, I'm going to be here for you no matter what. I'm going to be your safe space. I think that a deep relationship with another person can be the best place to open up and heal your traumas. I think that one of the highest versions of a great loving relationship is to feel so safe with somebody that you can come with, come to them like you, you feel so safe like literally that nothing can make you. You could say nothing or do nothing to make them change your mind about you so that you can open up and you can tell them everything that you're afraid to tell everybody and realize they're not going to love me less, they're not going to accept me less. And if I can do that, then they can help me heal my traumas as well. That's one of the biggest things that I think people don't talk about in relationships because neuroscience actually shows when you look at it that long term attachment shifts from what's called dopamine driven infatuation, which is like, you know, that's why I guess you could say dopamine driven infatuation would kind of be like the honeymoon stage. That's the, the neurologist way of saying the honeymoon stage. And it shifts from that to what's called oxytocin driven bonding. And oxytocin is the, the cuddle chemical, the love chemical. It's what release in your brain whenever you look at your children. Because the initial high, the dopamine highs, fades. But the deeper connection is built through trust, through rituals, through consistently showing up for each other and saying, hey, I'm going to be here for you no matter what. And over time, like I said, the infatuation might, might fade in some way. Love will still be there. You know, you can still be passionate and love your partner as much as you can. But what remains is this decision to continue to loving and investing into your partner and them doing the same with you. So when I say choosing love, it means showing up for your partner through the difficult moments, through the mundane moments where it's not as exciting as it was before. It means being there for them when they're struggling, offering support where they're down, and making the effort to keep the relationship going strong, even at times when it's challenging. And those choices deepen love and connection over time, which creates a bond that's built on mutual trust and mutual respect and care rather than fleeting emotions. You know, long term love requires intention and effort, you know, because there's going to be arguments that pop up. And so when arguments or conflicts pop up, remembering that love is the choice that you're both going in on. This allows you to see this partner that you have with you and see the situation and say, hey, instead of fighting, I want to actually try to understand what's going on here. And I want to try to heal versus trying to win the argument or trying to prove a point. The relationship's more important than being right. And so conflict becomes an opportunity for understanding each other more, for intimacy, for trusting each other more versus division. As you start to see it, when love is a choice of it's us versus the problem rather than it's me versus you. And this mindset shift challenges and really makes you start to think about like, I'm going to use this relationship for deeper connection to another person and also to myself. So that's number three. And then number four, which is an important piece I want you to understand, is that you are actually responsible for your own happiness. One of the most common mistakes that people do in relationships is expecting their partner to be the source of their happiness. And listen, they can make you happy, they can bring you joy, they can bring you fulfillment, but no one else can actually truly make you happy. Happiness is an inside job. You are responsible for your own happiness. Don't put that responsibility on someone else. Because nothing outside you can actually make you happy. And I've done episodes on it. If you want to search back and find episodes on happiness and how happiness is truly just an inside job. And how circumstances and situations cannot make you happy. They cannot make you sad, they cannot make you depressed. It is us in our reaction to those circumstances that make us feel something. And so you can get a moment of happiness with somebody else and being there, it's like a fleeting, you know, it's like a spark. But real deep happiness starts inside. And so if you place the Responsibility on your partner to fulfill that need. It's number one. It's not, it's, it's not only unrealistic, it's also really unfair on that person as well. You know, when you depend on your partner for your happiness, you create this dynamic where your emotional state is tied to their actions, it's tied to their mood, it's tied to their behavior. You know, what if they're having a bad day, what if they're having a bad week? Then they can't make you happy. And this can lead to resentment, to disconnection, because no one can meet all of your emotional needs all the time. And so it creates this power imbalance where one person becomes responsible for the other person's well being. And frankly, that can just burn your partner out. That's too much responsibility for another person. The truth is we are all responsible for our own mental and emotional health. That means taking time to understand your needs, practicing self care. And when I say self care, I don't mean like a bubble bath, like they can be if you want to. I don't mean like going to get your nails done. Sure, if you want to, you can. I mean like self care is in caring for the being that lives inside of your body. Journaling, meditation, paying attention to your needs, working out, yoga, stretching, whatever it is that you need. And then you really start to find a way to care for that person that lives inside of your body. Right. That's what it comes down to. So in both partners though, if you have a relationship with both partners take ownership of their own happiness, that relationship between those two people becomes a place of support. It becomes a place of encouragement rather than pressure and burden. So it becomes a place where both of those two people can come into this relationship in a relationship is supposed to amplify the two people. And so if you both come in knowing that I am in charge of making myself happy, then you come into that relationship and you amplify each other. And when you focus on your happiness and your own wellbeing, you free your partner from this sole source of happiness that I see so many people in relationships with where they look to the other person to be happier. And if you look to yourself to be happier, it'll ask for a healthier, better balanced relationship where both of the individuals are really here to grow and thrive. And it also really reduces the risk of codependency, which is where one person's partner becomes their source of happiness is in. It's entirely reliant on the other person's approval or validation or how they feel today. And codependency is not the best way to be in a relationship. And so in a health relationship, partners support each other's happiness and are actually there to grow, support, and make each other better. So those are the four different things. Number one, the most important relationship that you will ever have is a relationship with yourself. Number two, do not expect any other person to complete you. Number three, you have to make sure that you understand that love is a choice. It's not just a feeling that you feel inside of your body every once in a while or whenever they look a certain way. And number four, you're responsible for your own happiness. Those are the four relationship tips that I can give you. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me Robdial Jr R O B D I A L J R and if you're interested in checking out how you can do some coaching with me outside of the podcast, I have programs outside of just podcasts that can be kind of sporadic and about different topics. I have step by step processes that I can take you through. If you go to coachwithrob.com once again, coach with Rob. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission. Make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day at Capella University. Learning online doesn't mean learning alone. You'll get support from people who care about your success, like your enrollment specialist who gets to know you and the goals you'd like to achieve. You'll also get a designated academic coach who's with you throughout your entire program. Plus, career coaches are available to help you navigate your professional goals. A different future is closer than you think with Capella University. Learn more@capella.edu. sometimes an identity threat is a ring of professional hackers, and sometimes it's an overworked accountant who forgot to encrypt their connection while sending bank details. I need a coffee. And you need Lifelock. Because your info is in endless places. It only takes one mistake to expose you to identity theft. 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