Why You Feel Empty - The Mindset Mentor

Podcast Summary: The Mindset Mentor – "Why You Feel Empty" Release Date: June 19, 2025

Introduction

In the episode titled "Why You Feel Empty," host Rob Dial delves deep into the roots of human suffering, exploring the distinctions between pain and suffering, the journey of losing and finding one's true self, and the path to self-acceptance. Drawing from his extensive background in psychology, neurology, and cognitive behavioral therapy, Rob provides listeners with insightful perspectives on overcoming internal turmoil and achieving genuine peace.

Pain vs. Suffering

Rob begins by clarifying the fundamental difference between pain and suffering.

Pain is described as an inevitable part of life. Events such as accidents, loss of loved ones, or illness are uncontrollable and universally experienced.
- "Pain is essentially life. There is pain. Pain is inevitable." [02:30]
Suffering, on the other hand, is within our control. It is a choice to continue experiencing distress beyond the initial pain.
- "Suffering is our decision. It's usually an unconscious decision, but it is actually our decision where we continue to suffer." [04:15]

Rob emphasizes that while we cannot always avoid pain, we can choose how we respond to it, thereby mitigating suffering.

The Impact of Childhood on Self-Perception

Rob explores how early childhood experiences shape our self-identity and mindset.

Reprimands vs. Praise: He highlights that children are often reprimanded more than they are praised, leading to a pervasive feeling of inadequacy.
- "The average child is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised. Which means that the average child thinks to themselves, I am not enough." [06:50]
Abandoning the True Self: To gain parental love and acceptance, children subconsciously alter their behavior, abandoning their authentic selves to fit in.
- "We learned that our true self does not fit in with our parents at first... we abandon our true self in order to fit in." [08:20]

This early conditioning sets the stage for lifelong struggles with self-acceptance and internal conflict.

Societal Influence and the Loss of Authenticity

As individuals grow, societal pressures further distance them from their true selves.

Adolescence and Beyond: Rob discusses the challenges of middle and high school, where the need to fit in intensifies, leading to continued self-modification.
- "In middle school, you have to fit in with all the other kids and try to be part of a crew... we abandon our true self." [10:05]
Professional Life: Even in adulthood, societal expectations and the desire to "keep up with the Joneses" perpetuate the cycle of self-alteration.
- "We become someone completely different than we truly are... we disconnect from who we truly are." [12:45]

Rob references Danish philosopher Søren Kierkegaard to illustrate the psychological evolution from self-alteration to self-despise when one fails to fit in.

The Consequences of Losing the True Self

Rob outlines the emotional and psychological toll of disconnecting from one's authentic identity.

Self-Despair: Attempting to become someone else leads to internal dissatisfaction and self-loathing.
- "I despise myself for not being who I want to be. Why can't I just be different?" [15:30]
Lack of True Peace: Without acceptance of the true self, individuals cannot attain genuine peace or happiness.
- "Resisting your true self is the thing that causes so much turmoil inside of you." [18:10]

Path to Self-Discovery and Acceptance

Rob offers a roadmap for reclaiming one's authentic self and finding inner peace.

Self-Discovery Journey: Emphasizes that uncovering and accepting the true self is a lifelong journey without a definite endpoint.
- "There is no destination to it. And so we must all go on the path of self-discovery." [22:05]
Holistic Acceptance: Advocates for embracing all aspects of oneself—the good, the bad, and everything in between.
- "Accept every single aspect of yourself. There are great sides of you and shitty sides of you." [25:40]
Love and Acceptance: The cornerstone of overcoming internal suffering is self-love and acceptance.
- "What mindset would fix all the problems? I love myself as I am." [28:15]
- "The love and acceptance that you're searching for is actually in yourself. I love every part of me." [30:50]

Rob reassures listeners that self-acceptance does not equate to complacency but rather facilitates a smoother and more harmonious journey through life.

Debunking Common Misconceptions

Rob addresses common fears associated with self-acceptance, such as losing motivation.

Motivation and Self-Love: Contradicts the belief that self-love leads to laziness, explaining that acceptance removes the burden of internal resistance, thereby making progress easier.
- "Nothing changes the motivation, but it makes moving through this world so much easier." [35:20]
Material Success vs. Inner Peace: Stresses that external achievements do not equate to internal fulfillment.
- "Nothing you could ever do or achieve can make you more or less than what you currently are." [38:55]

Rob references Mooji’s meditation to reinforce the idea that personal possessions and achievements do not define one's true self.

"You have no pockets. You have no storehouse. When you came into this world, you were naked." [40:30]

Conclusion

Rob concludes by reiterating the importance of embracing one's true self to eliminate internal suffering and find genuine peace. He encourages listeners to embark on the journey of self-discovery with patience and kindness towards themselves.

"The only way that you will find true peace is to be who you truly are, to stop resisting all of the ways that you truly are, to stop trying to be someone that you're not, and to fully accept who you truly are." [44:05]

He leaves listeners with a call to action to love and accept themselves wholly, paving the way for a more fulfilled and authentic life.

Key Takeaways

Distinguish Between Pain and Suffering: Understand that while pain is unavoidable, suffering is a choice.
Acknowledge Childhood Influences: Recognize how early reprimands and lack of praise shape self-perception.
Identify Societal Pressures: Be aware of how societal expectations push individuals away from their true selves.
Embrace Self-Acceptance: Accept all facets of oneself to reduce internal conflict and achieve peace.
Prioritize Inner Fulfillment Over Material Success: Realize that true happiness stems from within, not external achievements.

Notable Quotes

"Pain is inevitable. But suffering is our decision." [04:15]
"We learned that our true self does not fit in with our parents at first." [08:20]
"I despise myself for not being who I want to be." [15:30]
"What mindset would fix all the problems? I love myself as I am." [28:15]
"Nothing you could ever do or achieve can make you more or less than what you currently are." [38:55]

Final Thoughts

Rob Dial's exploration of why individuals feel empty serves as a powerful reminder of the importance of self-awareness and acceptance. By understanding the origins of our suffering and committing to embracing our authentic selves, listeners are guided toward a more harmonious and fulfilling existence.

If you found value in this episode, consider sharing it on your social media and tagging Rob Dial at @RobDialJr to spread the message of self-acceptance and personal growth.

Transcript

Rob Dial (0:00)

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Post your job for free at LinkedIn.com dial that's LinkedIn.com dial to post your job for free. Terms and conditions apply. Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob. Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button. Subscribe so you never miss another podcast episode. I put out episodes four times a week for the past 10 years to help you learn, grow and improve yourself. So if that's something that you want to do, go ahead and hit that subscribe button. Let's learn and grow together. Today we're going to be talking about the reason why you suffer. The reason why we all suffer. I am not immune to this in any sort of way. Today we're going to talk about where most Human suffering comes from. Before I do that, I want to talk to you about the difference really quickly between pain and suffering, because we kind of put the two things together, but they're two completely different things. So pain is basically life. There is pain. Pain is inevitable. And pain is not always in your control. So things happen in life. You will, you know, people get in car accidents, people you love will die, people will get sick. There's many different things that will happen throughout your life that are painful. And pain is inevitable and it's not always in control. But suffering is in our control. Suffering is our decision. It's usually an unconscious decision, but it is actually our decision where we continue to suffer. And there's a couple reasons why we suffer and you know, the reason that we kind of suffer. I'm going to start way back in childhood and I'm going to kind of give you my idea. And what I've noticed about people, I'm always thinking like, why are people this way? Why is it that so many people have this feeling deep down inside them, this paradigm, this identity of I'm not enough, I'm not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough, or I'll never be successful, never make enough money, I might not be able to support my children. What if this happens? What if that happens? And so if we go back to childhood, when you look at a child and you look at a young child, they're their true selves. Like if you ever see like a one year old, a two year old, a three year old, they are their true selves. And you know, things happen. And you know, if, if, if you're changing a baby's diaper and they are six months old and you have your coffee next to you and their leg kicks the coffee and knocks it off the table, you're not going to yell at the child. They're six months old, they don't know what they're doing. Same thing might happen. Maybe they're a year old, they're starting to learn how to walk, they go and they knock coffee off the table. You're not going to yell at them because they're still not really knowing what they're doing. But at some point in time that exact same thing or something like it, this is just an example, could happen to a three year old or a four year old, or they can knock something off and the parent will yell at them or, and it's like they should know better is kind of the way that they're treated, right? Or a child is being too loud they're screaming in a restaurant and the parent ends up, you know, hushing them. They're. They scorn them forward in some sort of way, or they're. They're running around public and they're being their loud and rambunctious and truest version of themself. And they get yelled at to stop running too, to be quiet. The average child is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised. Which means that the average child thinks to themselves, I am not enough. Eight times more than they think that they are enough. And the problem is because of children's perception, they think when they're being yelled at that it is a retraction of love from their parents. And so they want to get their parents love. So they start thinking to themselves, subconsciously, we all think this to ourselves. We've all been through this process. Most likely I need to change myself for me to not be reprimanded as much so that I can get my parents love. Right? You following me? And so what we do is we change ourselves. We're not as loud, we're not as rambunctious. We become who we need to become in order to fit in. And so what we have done is we have in, in a sense, at some point in time, all of us abandoned our true self in order to fit in. And so we learned that our true self does not fit in with our parents at first. This is our perception of it, even if your parents are just very loving. But they're an average parent, which is reprimand a child eight times more than they're praised. And sometimes you got to reprimand children. They're crazy. They want to jump off of a wall and they could injure themselves. And so they're thinking to themselves, like, I, I'm not smart enough. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not good enough. My parents are retracted my love. And all of this is subconscious. But we learn first off that our true self does not fit in with our parents is kind of what we think. And then we get older, we realize that our true self doesn't fit in with society. And we've got to change ourself and mold ourselves, we think, to fit in. And so there's a guy named Soren Kirkland. I'm saying the name Kirkegaard. I can't pronounce his last name. It's a heck of a last name. He's a Danish philosopher, and he basically broke down the way that most people kind of go through and become someone that they're not. And so what happens is we get to this point of unconsciously, we think to ourselves, I wish to be someone other than I am, right? So as children, we change ourselves from childhood to fit in. First we change from our parents, then we change so that we fit in with other children. And then we go into middle school. If you guys remember, middle school is really hard. And you have to fit in with all the other kids and try to be part of a crew and be like them and act. Act like them. High school is the same way. And then we go and we go to college, and we either do what our parents tell us to do, we do what we think society wants us to do, or something that we can do to make money so that we could keep up with the Joneses. All of it is some different disguise of fitting in. And fitting in basically means abandoning in our true self, not being our truest self, and being something that we think we need to be in order to fit in. So we become what we think we need to become in order to fit in with other people, with society, with other children, with our parents as a child. And this is also why so many people become people pleasers as well. We are like, you know, as. As a. If someone's a people pleaser, like, I'm going to abandon my true self so that I can please this person. And so when you decide, usually subconsciously, especially as a child, and then as you get older, it can be actually a conscious thought. I want to be different than I am. I want to be someone different than I actually truly am. I want to be different than I am. One of two things happens. Number one, we try to become someone else. And so we become someone else. And we try and we try and we try and we fail at becoming someone else. And we realize we can't become someone else. We are the same that we've always been. And then what we do is we despise ourself for it. We get kind of mad at ourself. Why can't I change myself? Why can't I be someone else? And this will all make sense as I pull it all together, but I fail at becoming someone else. And I despise myself for not being able to do it. I despise myself for failing. I despise myself for not being who I want to be. Why can't I just be different? Why can't I be different than I am? Why can't I be more of this or more of that or why can't I look more like this or more like that or less like this or less like that? We want to change ourselves. The foundation of this thought is, I don't want to be who I am. We can either go and we can try to change ourself, and we can fail at trying to be someone else, or the other route, we could succeed at becoming someone else, and we abandon our true self. And so we become someone completely different than we truly are. I lose myself in a character that I have to play, and it's kind of like you've heard me say it over and over again. And I talk about Jim Carrey when he ends up being a method actor and he ends up playing Andy Kaufman, and he loses himself in the role. And months down the road after he stops playing Andy Kaufman, he's like, I don't remember who Jim Carrey was. And that was like the awakening, his spiritual awakening of like, he realized that Jim Carrey was just a character that he was playing. It wasn't his true self. And so we can succeed at not being ourselves, and we can succeed and abandon our true selves and be someone else, and we lose ourself in a character that I have to play. But the foundation of that is exactly the same as the foundation of the other one. The foundation is I don't want to be who I am. I don't want to be who I am. Either way, I lose my true self. And this is where you really start to see, and it starts to. The pieces start to come together. Either way, I lose my true self. I disconnect from who I truly am. That little boy that's inside of me that I was when I was 2 years old and 3 years old, and I would go on a walk with my mom and I'd pick up flowers for her, and I pick up rocks and I give it to her. I disconnect from who I truly am. We lose that version of ourself, which is our truest version of ourself, and we disconnect from who we truly are. Either we disconnect from who we truly are and we become somebody else, or, you know, pretend like we're someone else else, or we try to become someone else and we fail at it, and then we despise our true selves for it. And when I disconnect from who I truly am, that's never going to make me happy. It will never bring me true peace to not be who I truly am. It will never bring me true peace to be someone other than I truly am. Resisting your true self is the thing that causes so much turmoil inside of you. And so we get so far away from who we truly are that we don't really know who we are anymore. And we will be right back. This is an advertisement from BetterHelp. If you've been listening to this podcast long enough, you know that I recommend that every person go to therapy at some point in time in their life. 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With real time forecasting, you're peering into the future with actionable data. And with AI embedded throughout, you can automate everyday tasks, letting your team stay strategic. Netsuite helps you know what's stuck, what's costing you, and how to pivot fast. If your revenues are at least in the seven figures. Download the free ebook Navigating Global Trade 3 Insights for Leadership at netsuite.com dial that's netsuite.com dial and now back to the show. And you might be listening to this podcast because you've started to become aware of that took me years to become aware of, like, who the am I? I've been playing this game to be somebody else and been acting like I want to be this. And I don't. I don't want to be who I am, but I want to be my true self. And I don't know who my true self is and I don't know who I've been pretending to be. And it can be a rude awakening. And a lot of people can have a. A midlife crisis of like, what did I. What is this? This life that I built isn't even a life that I truly want. It's like a life that I felt like I was supposed to build. And so we get so far away from who we truly are that we don't really know who we truly are anymore. And maybe I have to, you know, make myself tough because the world is tough and it will beat me up. But really deep down inside, I'm just that soft, emotional being that just wants love. Like one of the things for me that I realized years ago, I. I kind of woke up to the fact through a rude awakening. And I've told this story many times before, but one of my mentors Took me out and to lunch, to Chipotle. We had burritos. And, you know, I was, like, 21 years old. I was running the number one office in a company that was, you know, it's 700 offices. And he's like, hey, man, I don't know how to tell you this, but a lot of people don't like you. I was like, what are you talking about? Like, I thought I was hot shit. I was. I was awesome. I was running the number one office in the United States in this $200 million company. I thought it was great. He's like, a lot of people don't like you. I was like, what do you mean? And he's like, the person that you present is not who you truly are. He's like, I've known you for a couple years now. I know your true self. I know who you truly are, and you're really not the same person that you present. And I was like, what do you mean by that? I started to realize that I was presenting this really brash, aggressive person, and I would, you know, try to cut you first so you would never try to cut me, because I was so weak and so afraid of being vulnerable that I wanted to essentially keep people at a distance so that you couldn't see my true self, right? Because I didn't know who my true self was. I was afraid of my true self. And so deep down, it's like I would try to hurt someone first and keep them at a distance, keep them at arm's length, right? When really, deep down, I was just that little boy, that soft, emotional being that just picked flowers for his mom, right? And the only way that you will find true peace is to be who you truly are, to stop resisting all of the ways that you truly are, to stop trying to be someone that you're not, and to fully accept who you truly are. Because ultimately, we all get lost. And the only way to really truly find yourself is to lose yourself. You cannot find yourself if you don't lose yourself first. So if you are the type of person where you're out there and you're listening to me and you're like, oh, my God, I'm so lost. This makes sense. I don't know who the fuck I am. You're in the perfect position because you have to lose yourself to find yourself, to escape despair, anxiety, depression, all of that that we can get from it, I must accept my true self. And, you know, Soren, the philosopher, said, the despair vanishes when we stop denying who we are who we really are and attempt to uncover and accept our true self. Despair vanishes when we stop denying who we really are and we attempt to uncover and accept our true self. So we must go on this path of self discovery. And it's not like an overnight thing. It's probably the rest of your life. It's a year long years and years and years. Hopefully I'll find myself fully by 76. But there's. It's a journey. There is no destination to it. And so we must all go on the path of self discovery. And now when I say, when I say to you accept who you truly are, I mean, and I really mean who you are, every aspect of you. And the quote unquote good and the quote unquote bad, both of those neither. There is no good side of you and there's no bad side of you. Because the title of bad makes us want to resist it makes us want to get rid of it. But in all aspects, I mean, the whole organism of who you are, the labeling of the good and bad is part of the problem. So accept that there are sides of you that are great. Once again, I'm labeling. I understand. There's sides of you that are great, though. There's sides of you that are sweet, sides of you that are loving. There are sides of you that are great to be around. There's sides of you that are really nice. And some people get to see that, right? You've got to accept those sides of you. But if you're going to accept those sides of you, you've also got to accept the sides of you that are just a little bit sh Tty sometimes, right? We're all a little bit selfish. We're judgmental. We're all arrogant in some ways. We all can be brash and rude and you know, thinking of ourselves, all of that stuff. So there are great parts of you. Once again, I'm labeling. And I understand that the labeling is just not helping here, but I'm just using it as an example. There's great sides of you and there's shitty sides of you. The path is really accepting the good sides, but more than anything else is really accepting the other sides of you. The lack of acceptance in them is what's causing the internal resistance. To see the selfish side of you and be like, I don't want to be that anymore is actually causing even more resistance. But when you see the selfish side of you and you say, yeah, you know what? There is a selfish side of me that exists. That's okay? Because that's just part of being human. There is a judgmental side of me. That's okay. It's part of being human. There's an arrogant side of me. It's okay. That's part of being human. And it's kind of like a symphony, you know, like there's a symphony of aspects of different parts of ourself. But, you know, the selfish side doesn't have to be, you know, doing a solo in the symphony all day long. It could come up sometimes and go away sometimes. Sometimes there is benefit in being selfish, sometimes there's not. Sometimes there is benefit in being judgmental, sometimes there's not. And so it's about accepting every single aspect of ourself. Now, really, what it comes down to is when we look at the basis of the real problem, the foundation was, I don't want to be who I am, and that's what causes all of the problems. So if I don't want to be who I am is what causes all the problems. What mindset would fix all the problems? I love myself as I am. The love and acceptance that you're searching for from other people in this world is actually true. The love and acceptance that you're searching for in yourself. I love every part of me. The Amazing Rob and the Shitty Rob, right? As Alan Watts says, the scoundrel. You have to love every single part of you. Now, I know what's coming up in some of your minds because this happened to me is if I accept myself, if I love myself, will I lose motivation? Won't I get lazy? What, am I just going to sit around in just pure bliss? I don't. And nothing's going to become of my life. No, no, no, you won't lose motivation. If I love myself, will I get lazy? Like, that's pretty wild to actually think about, right? As if we have to hate ourselves and who we currently are in order to be motivated. That doesn't make any sense. It makes moving. In all honesty, the motivation doesn't change, but it makes moving through this world so much easier because you don't feel like you have a backpack that's just this weight on your. Your back all day long. And it just makes. When you just decide to love and accept yourself, every aspect of yourself, it doesn't make you less motivated, but it makes it so much easier to move through this world. So instead of feeling. Instead of feeling like life and success is like pushing a boulder up a hill in all of that, it's just kind of like, you know, it feels a little bit easier. It's like jumping in a river and letting the river just kind of take you. It's full alignment and it's picking up the great things in life that pass you along in the river becomes much more effortless. Life becomes much more effortless because there's not that internal resistance, fighting who we are at all moments. And we think, you know, and I've caught myself here before, we think that becoming successful will make us feel better. It won't. I promise you that. There's many successful people that end up killing themselves because it doesn't make them feel any better about themselves. Nothing changes depending on how much money you have in your bank account. Money in your bank account is just a thing. Just like I'm wearing a, you know, a white colored shirt right now. That's just a thing. It's not. It doesn't make me who I am. So the white colored shirt doesn't make me who I am. Just as far as the money in my bank account doesn't make me who I am. So becoming successful we think will make us feel better, but nothing changes. You know, buying the house, that's all big and nice, we think will make us feel better, but nothing changes. The car, the clothes, the millions of dollars in the bank account, all of those things, nothing changes. You still feel the same internally. Nothing you could ever do or achieve can make you more or less than what you currently are. Are you more of a human now or less of a human now than if you made a million dollars in a year? No, million dollars ain't gonna make you more or less of a human. It just happens to be a thing, right? Are you more of a human when you buy a house? No. And like, there's a meditation I've brought in quite a few times. It's from a guy named Mooji. M O O J I that I've done. It's like a 20 minute guided meditation I used to do years ago. And one of the things he used to always say is, you have no pockets. You have no storehouse. And what he means by that is that you are this naked human with nothing on you. You have no pockets, you have no storehouse. When you came into this world, you were naked. When you leave this world, you're gonna be naked and you will not be able to bring anything with you. You have no pockets to bring with you into the afterlife. You have no storehouse to bring with you in the afterlife. So nothing that you could do will ever make you more than what you currently are right now. If you'll die naked exactly as you came, that means that nothing could ever add to you or take away from you. Which means that as you currently are, you're already perfect. The only thing that's actually missing is your acceptance of yourself, which ultimately is what it comes down to. Acceptance of yourself as you are all aspects of yourself, no matter what. That's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please do me a favor, share it on your Instagram stories and tag me Robdial Jr R O B D I A L J R and with that, I'm gonna leave the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day. This is Comedy Bang Bang the podcast, the promo and in 30 seconds I'm gonna tell you why you should check out. I the host Scott Aukerman have a light hearted conversation with famous celebrities like Jon Hamm, Alison Williams, Phoebe Bridgers, Jason Alexander, Natasha Lyonne, Bob Odenkirk, just to name a few. Things go a little off the rails when different eccentric characters and oddballs drop by to be interviewed as well. Each week is a blend of conversations and character work from your favorite comedians as well as some new hilarious voices. Comedy Bang Bang the Podcast Listen every Monday wherever you get your podcasts. 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