
How to build the legal agreement you want without getting married.
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Katie Gaddy Tossan
Hey Fidelity, how can I remember to invest every month? With the Fidelity app, you can choose a schedule and set up recurring investments in stocks and ETFs. Oh, that sounds easier than I thought. You got this? Yeah, I do. Now where did I put my keys?
Hannah
You will find them where you left them. Investing involves risk, including risk of loss. Fidelity Brokerage Services, LLC Member nyse, SIPC.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Rich Girl Roundup I was riding a mower at like 12 years old. We had a riding box. I had to go around in circles. I got dizzy and I ran into a tree.
Hannah
Welcome back to the Rich Girl Roundup weekly discussion of the Money with Katie Show. I'm Katie Gaddy Tossan and on Mondays my executive producer Hannah and I use this segment to talk through listener questions, money stories and more. More because I want the freedom to shoehorn whatever the hell I want into this segment. So we will do that right after a quick break. You want a home soon, but you also want kids someday. So how do you balance both financial priorities? Emma and Tom weren't sure how much they could afford to buy in New York City given that childcare was going to be a major, major expense one day. But by working with the flat fee CFP at Domain Money, they learned exactly how much they would need to save for a more affordable home and to allow for quality childcare. And get this, if they had stayed their previous course, their original budget would have been overextended by nearly a quarter of a million dollars. And instead they're avoiding expensive mistakes and they're set up for long term financial success. If there is a large purchase coming up in your life, you need a financial plan. I started working with an incredible flat FE CFP at the beginning of this year. And guess what? You can hire her too. Her name is Katie Song at Domain Money. Book a free strategy session with Domain Money and then select Katie or anybody else on her team of CFPs that she has trained herself and your advisor will create a step by step financial plan to help you achieve your goals. All for a one time flat fee. They will answer all of your questions and create a straightforward plan for your life. Start building your financial plan today with domain money@moneywithkatie.com domain money that's moneywithkatie.com domain money I'm a real client of Domain Money via my employer Morning Brew. I receive compensation and have an incentive to promote Domain Money. See important disclosures at DMNMNY co X Before we get into it, this week's upcoming main episode is about the type of insurance that we think all high earners should probably consider. It's not whole life, you already know that, but it's also probably something that you haven't really given much thought to. All right, onto the roundup. Hannah, what is our question today that.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Was such a teaser? I wonder what it could be. This week's question came from rich girl Cassie. It's a bit long so bear with me, she said, quote with a one year old and another little one on the way. Congratulations. We've reined in our spending and are prepared to accommodate an additional eighteen hundred dollars in monthly daycare expenses for thing two starting next spring. Wave usa.
Hannah
Usa.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
I am genuinely relieved to share that through my intimate new budgeting process coupled with your financial wisdom, I have a solid plan to pay down most of our debts in the next three years. While supporting two kids in daycare. I feel empowered and excited for our family's future. As you should. That's amazing.
Hannah
Beautiful, they said.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
I have been listening to old episodes, including those on financial considerations for single folks versus Married couples. My partner and I are together unmarried. I love him to pieces, but having gone through a breakup after a nine year relationship and helping my parents through a divorce after 30 years of marriage, it is safe to say I'm a bit jaded. But this puts us in a gray area. What considerations are there when navigating finances in our situation? Well, it's not the norm. I do see more and more couples opting to start families and either delaying or entirely foregoing officially tying the knot. I manage the household budget and all bills and most expenditures and he gives me a big chunk of each paycheck to work with. I bought the condo we live in before we got together and he splits the mortgage with me. Legally, we are still two separate single people and for 2023 taxes I claimed our son and my partner filed as a separate individual. In listening to one of your episodes where you discussed the importance of prenups and to cover what happens if someone stops working post marriage, it occurred to me that we don't have any such arrangements or protections. We both love our careers and can't imagine not working, but of course life happens. And similarly, while I hope we go the distance in blissful harmony, relationships can take a turn and I want to ensure that neither of us is in a position to get screwed over. Amazing Long question, but I feel like it gave us a lot of information to work with and something specifically that we don't or haven't often covered in this show, which is like cohabitating and also cohabitating with children.
Hannah
You know what's funny is I think I keep doing this too. I think it's cohabiting. But doesn't that sound wrong? Doesn't it sound like it should be cohabitating?
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Yeah, because isn't the word cohabitation?
Hannah
Yeah, but every time I tried to look up cohabitating, it was like, do you mean cohabiting? I was like, no, babe, I mean cohabitating.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Anyway, I'm going to still keep saying.
Hannah
It, but both are going to fly today.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Okay, let's go.
Hannah
So I'm going to adjust my typical disclaimer to say, I'm not a lawyer, but I do want to give you the general lay of the land. And I will tell you which type of lawyer you should probably talk to.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Do you guys like that? She said, I'm not a lawyer and I'm going to do this. But that puts me under the bus.
Hannah
She said, please direct all legal liability to Hannah.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
No, neither of us are certified professionals. Please contact a lawyer. Continue.
Hannah
Okay, so I find the idea of long term cohabitation intriguing. I think it is also worth noting that it is way more common in other countries than it is in the United States. The United States has far higher rates of marriage than pretty much all of our peer nations, but it also has higher rates of child poverty. So I. I want to call that out explicitly because I think there is typically, like a moral panic argument that comes in here where people will be like, you need to get married for the stability of your children. And I think in the US we kind of associate unmarried people who have children with instability, irresponsibility, the lack, like. But really, I guess my point is, like, it's a financial thing. The fact that we have, in, I looked up 10 peer nations, every single one of them lower rates of marriage, lower rates of child poverty. So I would just throw that out there that it's important that we do not conflate or feed into the moral panic of, like, every person that has kids needs to be married to the person that they have kids with. The financial stability part and the financial responsibility part are separate considerations here. So I think that's what we want to dig into today.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Yeah, I actually, I fell down a rabbit hole on the history of cohabiting. Did I say it right? And one thing that I saw that was interesting was there was actually a study that said that couples that cohabit. Cohabit before.
Hannah
This is going to be a thing. The whole episode, we're just Going to keep saying it either way.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Couples that live together before marriage actually have a higher rate of divorce than couples who stay unmarried and live together, which I thought was so fascinating.
Hannah
So wait, let me make sure I'm understanding. If you live together before you get married, and then you get married, you have a higher rate of, like, splitting up.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Yeah.
Hannah
Because obviously you're going to have a higher rate of divorce because cohabiting people can't get divorced. But, like, you have a higher rate of splitting up than people who just cohabit the entire time.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
I read it, like, five times because I was like, surely they put a typo and they're missing a word. But no, I checked the source that it came from. It was so fascinating. And I think it's because people who tend to cohabit in their eventual plan for marriage is that they end up sliding into it such that it wasn't something that they, like, intentionally meant to do or that it was like, a financial decision of, oh, it's just cheaper for me to live together. But it's not really like the match made in heaven that they think it should be, but then they're kind of stuck. So then people who are in marriages are also scared to divorce.
Hannah
But anyway, fascinating.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Yeah, it was really interesting. But Cassie's disillusionment in marriage is actually pretty common. So I found a study from a Pew Research center analysis that said 59% of adults between 18 and 44 have lived with a romantic partner, compared to just 50 who've never been married. And I feel like that probably increased in the pandemic, at least anecdotally, from what I heard, where a lot of people that I knew were just like, we couldn't go anywhere anyway. We had to be in our little pod. We might as well be together in that pod, basically. I just think that this is a more common trend that we're seeing, that people are choosing to go down this route. And I was reading actually about the history of this as well, from the 19th and 20th centuries, because interracial and gay marriages weren't legal. So people actually cohabited to begin with, and it just wasn't tracked in the same way. And that in the 1970s, when women had more access to birth control and legalized abortion, it meant women could pursue higher education, they could pursue those higher incomes, and so they could kind of choose what they wanted to do for.
Hannah
Themselves versus being just like, I have to get married because I need money.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Yeah. Have someone for resources or, like, for my child. So anyway, I say all of this to say that I think I'm really impressed with the thoughtfulness of Cassie's question. And I think that it's something that a lot of couples are exploring as well. Like, I don't think that that's an echo chamber she's in. I think we're hearing it a lot too.
Hannah
Yeah, I agree. I'm also impressed with the. Just the consideration, because to your point about sliding, I do think that it's just one of those things that we do because we feel like we're supposed to or it's just the. The next step. And so I give her a lot of credit for being extremely int about these decisions that she's making and not allowing pressure from society or the latest moral panic to make her feel as though that that's what she needs to do. This is also such an interesting reverse uno of the situation that we usually discuss on this show, which is how married people can protect themselves and understand how marriage changes their financial situation. Because obviously in this case, it's. You're really protecting yourself from the opposite, which is that the upsides, financially and legally of marriage, you no longer have access to, so you kind of have to create them in a different way for yourself.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Mm. So I guess if someone's married, obviously there's a lot of legal defaults that it just defaults to your partner.
Hannah
Yeah.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
So what happens to someone that's cohabiting with someone? Like, how would someone protect themselves?
Hannah
So I would say that the primary difference before I get into how to protect yourself, who to talk to. I think the primary difference that I can see and the thing that surprised me the most, frankly, about the difference between these two situations, obviously there are going to be a ton of details, some of which are going to vary dramatically by state. But the biggest shift to me with regard to marriage is that you, because you are legally considered one entity, financially speaking, any income either one of you earn becomes marital property. Any assets you buy after you get married are technically marital property unless otherwise prescribed in a prenuptial agreement with, like, specific carve outs. And even then, I think that that can be kind of hard to enforce later. Like there are. You kind of have to have good reasons for that. And so we know that prenups also allow you to write terms about spousal support if one parent becomes a full time caretaker. This is kind of what Cassie's alluding to in her question, which is the primary reason that I find them to be valuable, especially for women who are statistically more likely to find themselves in that position. But when you're cohabiting, none of that really happens. Your income is legally yours, their income is legally theirs, your assets remain separate. And if you break up, you aren't, in my understanding, going to go through the process of splitting things up. However, there is something called a cohabitation agreement. And in it I believe you can specify terms. It's a little bit like a prenup for people who are not married. You can specify terms about partner support in the same way that if one person becomes a full time caretaker to this child and leaves the workforce for an extended period of time, you can outline the amount that they would receive if you were to split up. And you know you're relying on this person's income, the duration, the conditions of receiving the income and more. The other thing that I think is quite different from where I'm sitting is the treatment of debt. So married people can be found liable for one another's debts. This typically is not true for unmarried people. So all that to say that feels like the biggest kind of like high level distinction, but that major protection that Cassie is outlining or that she's kind of concerned with, like, we don't really have anything to rely on if one of us leaves our jobs and, you know, to protect us in the future if we split up. You can achieve that with a cohabitation agreement. You just want to make sure that you work with a lawyer, a family law attorney, to make sure that it is enforceable where you live. And you can also contractually define things like property ownership, your wills, custody arrangements, child support. I think the wills piece is also very important because married couples, like default, inherit one another's assets. The same is not true for people that are just living together. So I think you can achieve the lion's share of the protections that you're concerned about with the cohabitation agreement.
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Katie Gaddy Tossan
Can I add a couple other wrenches to consider, please? So one of the things that I saw when I was reading about this is that in unmarried couples who break up, the child's paternity has to be established. Via DNA or genetic testing. So in a marriage, the legal father is like, assumed to be the man in the marriage. But in a unmarried couple, they have to establish that this is in Mori's voice, this is the father. But that also means that the woman parent will not receive any child support until that paternity is acknowledged or proven. So that is something to keep in mind. And this kind of varies by state.
Hannah
From what I saw.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
And I think that we can add that caveat to almost all of this, which is that a lot of this will vary by state and where you live. A couple other things that I saw was if your partner becomes incapacitated when you're married, usually you're spouse or partner can be the person who makes those decisions for you. If you're unmarried, you may not have that option unless it's written in that cohabitation agreement or that there's an power of attorney that's been given to you and healthcare power of attorney. So it's just something again to think about. And I read something about 529 accounts. I, I know a lot of parents who listen to the show look into 529 accounts, so I just wanted to mention it. So each parent can establish their own 529 account. But in, for example, in New York State, you can get tax benefits for contributing to that, but you don't get tax benefits if your unmarried partner interests at 529 and contributes to it. You need to have your own. So I again would encourage you to Katie's point, to talk to a family lawyer who would know more of this stuff. But I do think that there's some, like, smaller things that people need to consider if they're not planning to ever get married.
Hannah
Yeah. It kind of strikes me almost as like you're trying to build a la carte. I want some of the protections of marriage. I don't want to assume some of the downside risks of marriage because there are financial downside risks. Just like there are potential benefits that you stand to gain, there are also risks. And so if you decide that taking on those legal risks and taking on that downside is not for you, but you do want to make an effort to put those legal protections in place. I think this is what's going to get you closest. And again, a family law attorney is the type of person that you would consult to write a contract like this.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
I saw one family lawyer say you could also get married and carve out the parts you don't want in a prenup. So that you're protected the other way around. So you got options, which is good news.
Hannah
Yeah. I think the thing to me is that the income and asset splitting part feels extremely difficult to get around. Like, if ultimately your concern is that you will be with this person for a long time, but maybe not forever and 30 years down the road, you are really trying to avoid the painful process of having to split up your life's property with them. Somebody could come to the rational decision that it makes more sense for them and their relationship and their personality type that, like, it is better for us to just keep it all separate to begin with and choose to be together in the ways that we want to be. As far as I understand it, there are certain things that marriage does in making you legally one entity that you cannot carve out with a prenup. To my understanding, at least in a way that is, like, reliably enforceable. That, like, well, all of my income is going to stay mine and all their income is going to stay theirs and all the growth in our assets that happen after we get married, maybe there are some lawyers that would do that. My understanding is that that's actually pretty tough to do. And, like, judges typically would not enforce that because it kind of like, is so in opposition with the institution of legal marriage to begin with, that it's like, well, at that point, why are you, like, just get ceremonially married, like, have a ceremony, but don't, like, legally join yourselves together if you want nothing to be together? You know what I mean?
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Yeah. It's a good point, though.
Hannah
Yeah. I just think everyone is. I don't think anyone should feel pressure to get married if they don't want to. I feel very strongly about that, particularly women.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Cough. Cough to my Indian parents subtweet.
Hannah
But, yeah, I mean, I made a joke that I would not recommend getting divorced for tax purposes. In a previous ritual roundup. I stand by that theme of, like, I would not support. Actually, I will joke that I got married for Maryland married filing jointly. Tax status. But obviously I'm kidding. That was not the reason why I got married. It's a nice perk. It's a nice bonus. But I think that the other obvious upside to marriage that cohabiting doesn't give you is that overall lowering of tax liability. And that's another thing that is different in the US Than in other countries. Like, you don't get a legal taxation benefit in most other countries for getting married, which could be why we have.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Such a high rate of marriage, is that people Feel like there are benefits to it. Yeah.
Hannah
Yeah. One last thing on, like, the stuff that I think people should be aware of when they're weighing this decision and deciding what's best for them. Married people get survivor benefits of Social Security income that cohabiting people do not get. So if you end up living together for the rest of your lives and your partner dies, if you are married, you can be entitled to some of their Social Security benefit. And if you aren't married, you are not. For some people, that is, like, enough of an incentive to roll the dice, risk it, get the prenup, you know, go ahead and do it. But again, this is like, you are really weighing a lot of considerations about what is best for you and what you feel good about.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Ask me if I considered Social Security when I got married. No, I don't think anybody thinks about this. Half the time.
Hannah
I was like, yeah, well, you know, in my 70s, I really want to make sure I get that extra benefit. But, I mean, I know it does make a difference. Like, there are a lot of American adults who only live on Social Security, and so it totally is worth considering. But I have a feeling if you're listening to this show and thinking this hard about your financial future, you're probably making other plans for yourself, and you're probably being pretty comprehensive in your financial planning. So. Yeah, just want to throw that out there.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Love it. Do you want to share some really important feedback that we got recently?
Hannah
Mm, yes. So this is really hard, but we received some really necessary feedback about our statements about lawns.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Oh.
Hannah
A few weeks ago, I was insensitively joking about how dumb lawns are those big water sponges that you have to take care of. And rich girls. Christine and Carolyn weighed in from different sides of the landscaping spectrum. Hannah, please do the honors.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Christine S. Said, lawns are a man's version of the half girl hamster wheel.
Hannah
Amen.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Which. True, but an alternative POV from Carolyn. She said women, especially moms, should claim them. Hear me out, okay? She said, as a mom, mowing the lawn has become sacred me time. My yard is my personal sanctuary. Place I can retreat to and ride a mower tractor for four beautiful uninterrupted hours. With the sweet sound not being asked for snacks, the great feeling of not having my legs endlessly tugged or hugged, the liberating sensation of solitude, which I never get at home. Even in the bathroom, it's just me, the mower, and, well, usually your voice or Taylor Swift's. What a nice comparison. Plus, I emerge with A lovely glow after a sunny mo. And the fringe benefit of forcing my partner into active parenting for several consecutive hours. I know, I know. That whole situation is a bigger discussion and problem, but for another time. So back to my lawn. It's paradise with a side of empowerment. Any takers or just me?
Hannah
So I don't ever want to hear that I don't show you both sides on the Money with Katie show. We are. We are demonstrating opinions from all over. And I have to say, Carolyn, I think you convinced me. I think I'm going to retract my strongly worded statements about lawns being dumb because I did fail to recognize that if you are constantly being tugged and hugged, that you might really relish your time on that riding mower.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Remember when I told you my story about the riding mower and you said to cut it because it wasn't funny enough?
Hannah
And it was like, one time I was on a riding mower and I ran into a tree and I was like, okay.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
And I was like, 12 years old.
Amazon
I thought it was funny.
Hannah
You gotta build up to the punchline a little bit more. I'm like, build the suspense. We need more tension. You can keep it in this time. How about that?
Katie Gaddy Tossan
Okay.
Hannah
I feel like I think I have.
Katie Gaddy Tossan
The right this time, but I was riding a mower at, like, 12 years old. We had a running mower. I had to go around in circles. I got dizzy, and I ran into a tree.
Hannah
I don't think you included the part about getting dizzy the first time. That does make it funnier. I will say, yeah, I got dizzy. Okay, well, that is all for this week's Rich Girl Roundup. We will see you on Wednesday to talk about some important insurance that you probably want to get if you are a high earner.
The Money with Katie Show – Episode Summary: "How Unmarried Couples Can Protect Their Finances"
Release Date: November 11, 2024
Host: Katie Gaddy Tossan & Executive Producer Hannah (Morning Brew)
In this insightful episode of The Money with Katie Show, host Katie Gaddy Tossan and her executive producer Hannah delve into the financial intricacies faced by unmarried couples. As societal norms shift and more couples choose to cohabitate without tying the knot, understanding how to protect joint finances becomes paramount. This episode addresses listener questions, provides expert insights, and offers practical advice for couples navigating their financial futures together without marriage.
The episode centers around a thoughtful question from Cassie, an unmarried woman in a long-term relationship with plans to start a family. She shares:
"With a one-year-old and another little one on the way, my partner and I managed to reined in our spending and are prepared to accommodate an additional eighteen hundred dollars in monthly daycare expenses for our second child starting next spring. However, despite our financial planning, we don’t have legal arrangements to protect ourselves if the relationship changes."
— Cassie [03:14]
Cassie’s query highlights the uncertainty and vulnerability that unmarried couples may face, especially when children are involved.
Katie and Hannah explore the growing trend of cohabitation, noting its prevalence in other countries and its implications in the United States. They discuss how cohabiting couples often lack the legal and financial safeguards that marriage provides, leading to potential instability and financial risk.
Hannah [07:19]:
"It's important that we do not conflate or feed into the moral panic that every person with children needs to be married. Financial stability and responsibility are separate considerations."
The hosts introduce cohabitation agreements as a pivotal tool for unmarried couples to outline financial responsibilities and protect each other in case of a breakup. Unlike marriage, where assets and debts are typically shared by default, cohabitation agreements allow couples to specify terms akin to prenups.
Hannah [11:04]:
"A cohabitation agreement can specify terms about partner support, property ownership, wills, custody arrangements, and child support, ensuring that both parties are protected."
Katie emphasizes the importance of establishing paternity for children born into unmarried partnerships, as it affects child support and legal rights.
Katie [14:04]:
"In unmarried couples, the child's paternity must be established through DNA or genetic testing, which is not required in marriage where the legal father is presumed."
The discussion extends to healthcare decisions, highlighting that married partners automatically have rights to make medical decisions for each other, whereas unmarried partners must explicitly grant power of attorney.
Katie [15:09]:
"If your partner becomes incapacitated, being married allows you to make decisions for them. Unmarried couples need a healthcare power of attorney to ensure this."
Without marriage, partners do not automatically inherit each other’s assets. Creating a will is essential for unmarried couples to designate beneficiaries and manage inheritance.
Hannah [16:49]:
"Married couples inherit each other's assets by default, but unmarried couples must create wills to ensure their wishes are respected."
Katie explains how property ownership differs between married and unmarried couples. While married couples share liabilities for debts, unmarried partners remain individually responsible unless otherwise specified in a cohabitation agreement.
Katie [10:58]:
"Married people can be held liable for each other's debts, which isn't typically the case for unmarried individuals."
The hosts touch upon the tax benefits of marriage, such as the potential for lower tax liability through joint filing, which is unavailable to unmarried couples.
Hannah [19:12]:
"Married couples benefit from lower tax liabilities, a consideration that often encourages marriage in the U.S."
Social Security offers survivor benefits to married partners, which can be a significant advantage for financial security in later years—a benefit not extended to unmarried couples.
Hannah [19:17]:
"Married individuals are entitled to survivor benefits from Social Security, an important consideration for long-term financial planning."
Katie and Hannah conclude by reiterating the importance of proactive financial planning for unmarried couples. They advocate for consulting with a family law attorney to draft cohabitation agreements and ensure all legal protections are in place. This approach allows couples to enjoy the benefits of their relationship while safeguarding their financial futures independently.
Hannah [16:49]:
"A family law attorney can help you create a cohabitation agreement that outlines all necessary protections tailored to your specific situation."
Cassie [03:14]:
"I have a solid plan to pay down most of our debts in the next three years while supporting two kids in daycare. I feel empowered and excited for our family's future."
Hannah [07:19]:
"It's important that we do not conflate or feed into the moral panic that every person with children needs to be married."
Katie [10:58]:
"Married people can be held liable for each other's debts, which isn't typically the case for unmarried individuals."
Hannah [19:12]:
"Married couples benefit from lower tax liabilities, a consideration that often encourages marriage in the U.S."
Hannah [19:17]:
"Married individuals are entitled to survivor benefits from Social Security, an important consideration for long-term financial planning."
This episode of The Money with Katie Show serves as a crucial guide for unmarried couples seeking to secure their financial well-being. By understanding the distinctions between marriage and cohabitation and utilizing legal tools like cohabitation agreements, couples can protect their assets, ensure fair arrangements for their children, and plan effectively for their future together—or apart.
For more detailed financial strategies and personalized advice, listeners are encouraged to consult with financial planners and family law attorneys.