Jonathan Ames (7:26)

And.

Adam Wade (7:26)

And I called her Linda Lou. And I was like my pet name. She didn't like that. Okay. So I walked in there. I go, hi, Linda Lou. And she's, oh, it's Adam Wade. And people from the back, they all came and they were looking. And I go, hi, I'm here to pick up my photos. How you doing? She goes, oh, you moved to New York. You're doing really well. I heard. I go, oh, you heard right. You know, I don't usually do that. What the hell, you know, I mean, work with me here. I've had a lot of years where it hasn't gotten so well. So I. So, you know, she goes, you meet celebrities. I go, I meet celebrities. But Linda, it's the little people that make the world go around. And all the people there, all the people that went like that, and they gave me the. You know, there's like. So I got the photos, and the envelope was all riffled. So I knew everybody. Oh. So I was like a little kid, you know, I knew everybody looked at the photo. So I run to the car, and I stand, and I'm in the parking lot, and I'm looking through the photos. It's me and Regis, and there's me and Conan, and me and Al Row. And then there's a picture of a. Of a man with a hard hat, naked, and then another man with a hard hat, naked, holding a cucumber, and he was doing stuff to him. And then I'm like, what is this? Then I flip over the next photo, and then there's a guy with a. He was like an electrician. And then there's a guy with liquid drain who's a plumber, and he's got the thing you jump a car with on his penis. What is this? I ripped up the photos. I put them in the glove compartment. I took them back out. I go, what is this? What am I going to do? I go home. My mother goes, we're going out to eat tonight. Oh, no, we're not. I don't feel good. I'm not going out. She's like, we're going to get your jacket at the mall tomorrow. I go, no, we're not. I'm going home. I got to go work. I got to go to work. And they're like, what's wrong with you? So two years later, I'm working on a Saturday. NBC sports is a pretty girl there. All the guys from Conan, they work sports because the camera guys, they need the money. And they do all different jobs at NBC and they're bragging. They go, wade, remember when we did. Remember when we put your. Your desk in the elevator? Remember we did this? They go, remember when we went to the prop department at Conan and took photos with your disposable camera of the gay porn? I go, are you kidding me? I brought that photo of the disposable camera home. They developed the pictures Everybody thought I was taking photos of guys with electric. They go, no way. No way. I go way. Thank you.

Dan Kennedy (9:53)

Adam Wade is originally from New Hampshire and a record 10 time moth story Slam champion. He's been seen on Comedy Central, ESPN, and in Glamour Magazine. Recently, he developed a television pilot script based on his high school years. Moth Story Slams are held monthly at El Cid in Los Angeles and weekly in New York City. Story Slam winners advance to compete in our Grand Slams. Our second story by Jonathan Ames was recorded live at the Moth main stage.

Jonathan Ames (10:29)

Okay, well, I'm going to tell you my story now. In 1984, I was a sophomore at Princeton and I was one of the captains on the fencing team. And I briefly want to explain fencing to you a little bit for everyone. A few Jews knew what a moel was, and certainly the male Jews remember what a moil was. But for those of you who don't know what fencing is, I'm going to give you a quick lesson in fencing. There are three weapons. And I'm not going to make a joke about a pen being mightier than the sword, but I'm going to use a pen as a sword tonight, which is only fitting since it's the pen festival. So quickly, fencing. There are three weapons. The most common weapon that people know about is the foil. And in foil, the torso is the target area. And you use the tip of the blade like that. And so just the torso, not the arms, only the torso. Another weapon is the epee. And with that weapon, the whole body is the target, including the feet, the legs, the head, everything. But again, you only use the point. Now, the weapon I fenced was saber. And it was for me the most dashing, the most romantic, the most Errol Flynn like, because the way you scored touches was a slashing motion. Oftentimes I have a real saber when I do this, and you would have been in peril, but because I'm an expert, I merely would have just snipped a hair for a moment. But very lovely right in the front here. Anyway, so the saber is a slashing weapon. And the whole target area is everything above the hips, including the head and the arms. And so you make cutting motions like that and you slash across the body and it's very dynamic. So I was the captain and I loved the romance of fencing. So I named all my fellow saber fencers after great swordsmen in history. There was Sir Gawain, the Green Knight, one sort of goofy freshman we called Don Quixote, and myself I named El Cid. I was a Charlton Heston fan. This was, you know, I loved his face. This was before he was wearing that horrible wig and, you know, became an NRA spokesman. But even that was okay. He had a great face. You don't see faces like that every day. So I called myself El Cid, after the great Charlton Heston role. Now, I had a secret goal that sophomore year at Princeton and while training, and that was to beat the number one saber fencer at Columbia, Russell Wilson. My lifetime record against Russell Wilson was about 0 and 13. I'd been fencing him all through high school. I'd been fencing him at Junior Olympics. He was always beating me. Once at a party at the Junior Olympics, he snubbed me socially, which only added to my growing wound. He trained in New York City with expatriate Russian coaches. He had incredible skill. He was snobby. He was also a little bit chubby. And he had these sophisticated moves. So his whole worldview was opposed to mine. And I was always losing to him. So my goal, my secret goal sophomore year was to beat Russell Wilson. Now, to get ready for this, I would go for early morning lessons with my French fencing coach at Princeton, who was a gorgeous man. He had a. He had a bald head. Not that that's gorgeous, but he had a bald head and beautiful gray eyes. Kind of looked like Sean Connery. He'd been a commando in the Algerian war, the French Algerian war. And he would train me early in the morning, coming at me with a steel rod to make my parries extra firm, because you block here, you block here, you block here for the head. And he'd come at me. Elsid. Come on, El Cid. Commando. Commando. Because he was big into being a commando, and he was seeing me as a possible commando. And he would come at me with this steel bar, going commando, commando. And I would get ready, and he would tell me to be in my en guard position, which is like this. You must have a band of steel in the groin. El Cid. I don't know why we had to have a band of steel down here. But, you know, it wasn't chased or anything like that. But he liked us to have a band of steel down here, come at me with this rod. Then afterwards, you know, he would tell me stories of the war. And he would often tell this one story. He goes. One time I was walking along on patrol, and suddenly an electric cable, they shot me in the paddocks, and I went flying in the air. 30, 40ft, I was flying through the air, but then I landed on my feet like a Cat. Like a cat. El Cid. That's how you have to be with balance when you fence El Cid. And then two days later, he'd be like, el Cid. One time I was on patrol and electric cable struck me in the buttocks, and I went flying through the air. And then I landed on my feet like a cat. That's how you have to be. And I don't know, he was on some loop. Cause every two or three days, I would hear this electric cable story in the buttocks and flying through the air. And I'd be like, yes, coach, you're the greatest. You know, he had huge ego. He would claim that when he was my age, he could fly. When he went at someone with his saber, you know, he goes, I became Plenard. You know, this was plein air. Like, he would be totally flying through the air with his saber. Somehow at the time, though, I sort of believed him. You know, he said it was such conviction. Anyway, so we were both training like crazy. Finally, the big meet against Columbia happened, and we took a van from Princeton up to Columbia. And the coach also wanted me to win terribly because his wife had left him and was shacking up with the Columbia's coach. She had a thing for swordsman, I guess. And so he really wanted me to win. We both had a vendetta. So we go up to Columbia, and we're in the gym getting ready, and the Columbia team's not around. We're in our white outfit, stretching, starting to work out a little bit. And then suddenly, the whole gym fills with Wagner music. The Ride of the Valkyries, right? This scary Wagner music. And for me, I'm Jewish, and I'm like, what is this Wagner? You know, this is rocky music for the Nazi party. This is horrible. And then suddenly, the Columbia team comes racing in with their white outfits and their swords, trying to intimidate us to this Wagner, like the Nazi party. And it only made me more incense, made me want to beat Russell Wilson even more. So anyway, before I got to fence Russell Wilson, though, I fenced the lesser sabre guy on the Columbia team. And I lost to him. I was so keyed on Russell Wilson, I lost, which was disastrous. But our team was still competing. So then finally I got to fence Russell Wilson this bout. I'd been training months for these commando lessons with the iron rod in the morning, the buttock story, all so I could beat Russell Wilson. I get down in my band of steel. We're moving back and forth. I feint to his head and I cut him across the Belly. And I go up 1 0. Now, to win a fencing bout, you have to score five touches. And so I had gotten the first one. And when I scored a touch in fencing, I. I would. The language of fencing is French. And so when I scored the touch, I went, ela. And ela means and there, like. And there. You swine, you fool. You idiot. You know, you Londoner or something like that. So I would go, you know, ela. And I said it really loud, right? And then we're moving back and forth. He tried to cut me here. Boom. I hit him right in the head. I'm up 2 0. This is incredible. I'm winning. It's beautiful. Then he got a touch, two, one. But then I went ahead three one. This was wonderful. But then he started coming back. Three, three, two, three, three. It's like, oh, no. You know, I got down on my band of steel. Then I went ahead 4, 3. But then, sure enough, he cut. You know, he fainted to my head, cut me across the belly. It was now tied 4, 4. I could sense it going out of my hands. My inner loser was asserting itself. You know, my whole Oedipal upbringing, my father was always trying to crush me to keep me out of my mother's bed and everything like that. And so I could just sense it was happening again. Oh, no, I'm going to lose. It was four, four. Now, when it's for foreign fencing, it's called la belle, the beautiful touch. Because it's like the touch right before death. You know, the French love the death. Le petit mort, le grand mort. They love it all. So four, four is la belle. Because if you're recreating a duel to the death, the next touch would be the death touch. So my coach calls time out. I lift up my mask, and he starts speaking to me in French. U VA faire le contretemps. But at this point, I'm not absorbing any French. I'd been saying a la. With every touch, a la, you know, I couldn't get. That was the only French I could get out of me or in me. But he's giving me all these instructions with French. And I'm going, okay, coach, but I sense I'm going to lose. And so he walked off. My mask came down. And then he turned and looked at me with these beautiful bullet gray eyes he had. And he said, commando. And that was like our secret communication. Commando, the iron rod, everything okay? I'm good. So I got down on my band of steel, and I decided to do something very Risky. I tried to win by playing it defensive because I knew Russell Wilson. He wanted to really humiliate me. And one way to humiliate a saber fencer, the hand would also be target area. And in fencing, you're supposed to keep your hand back, but to keep your balance, sometimes it would come forward. And even though it's sort of macho and Errol Flynn like, it does look a little fey as you're kind of moving forward with this hand. Kind of very genteel and, you know, the pinky up or something like that. But anyway, my hand was out, and I knew he was going to want to cut it to really defeat me terribly. So I kind of kept it out there, almost like a trout fisherman with a lure. Come on, Russell Wilson. Go for my hand. Try to humiliate me. I know you're a sadist. You snubbed me at that party in Cleveland. Come on, cut my hand. So I was leaving it dangling out there, right? And now the danger was that when I went to parry, if I went too far, if I overcompensated, he would quickly move and cut me here. That was the danger of going for that. But I'm leaving it out there. I'm leaving it out there. I'm drawing him in, and he's moving back and forth. It's a beautiful dance, fencing. And then suddenly, sure enough, he makes his move. He goes for my hand. I wait till the last second.

Adam Wade (19:17)

Boom.

Jonathan Ames (19:17)

I parry him. It was beautiful. It was delicious. It was a wonderful clang of steel. I had him blocked, and his head was right there because he had extended himself. So all I had to do was go like that, tap him right on the head, and I win. All I had to do was go tap him right on the head. Now, I've been fencing, like everything in life. The closest distance between two points is a straight line. So just like that planar, like the coach had been telling me. But instead, like an idiot, like an inner loser, like blinded Oedipus, I rear back like that, exposing my arm. You fool. I sense my foolishness. But Russell Wilson was so shocked that I parried him. I still had time, so I compensated. And I came down ferociously on top of his head like that. Hey, la. And I went so nuts. So much craziness my whole life, so much confusion, all came out right on his head. And my saber snapped and broke over his head. Went flying into the air. Probably blinded a co ed, you know, Barnard. It went flying into the air. It was beautiful. And I went like that. And I had scored the touch. But then I went nuts. I started going, hela ela ay la.

Adam Wade (20:19)

Ay la a la a la a la.

Jonathan Ames (20:20)

It was like I had French Tourette's. I was like a dog in an alleyway, making love like the greatest lover ever. Up and down this pumping motion. The Aylas, the whole place was going crazy. And the judge, who was actually a Holocaust survivor with one eye and a lump and a bad leg, somehow he had seen this. Nobody could miss that. I had broken the blade over his head. He goes touch to the left, to Ames, to Princeton. And I had won. Whoever WINS in life no. 1, that's why we're here tonight. You never win. But I had won. And I was lifted up by my teammates. The greatest fencing victory of my life. I was Ebulian. And then I saw Russell Wilson down below, just kind of dizzy. And I said, oh, nice spout. Completely disingenuous, but showing good form. And we shook hands. And so that is the story of my greatest fencing victory. Thank you. So just two little quick things, almost like a coda. Several years later, I was at a dinner party. I mean, a few years ago at a dinner party and several years after the fact, and I took my knife and I told this story. And a girl at the dinner said, I know Russell Wilson, he's an arms dealer now for the government. I was like, what? Anyway, so then I was like, wow. Well, I defeated him, you know, and I don't care about him going in helicopters over the Middle East. But anyway, so then she emails me like a week later I mentioned you to Russell Wilson. He said he didn't remember you, so snatched it away from me. Anyway, thank you.

Dan Kennedy (22:04)

Jonathan Ames is the author of seven books including Wake up sir, the Extra man and the recently released graphic novel the Alcoholic. The Moth is a non profit organization. Consider supporting our free podcast by going to our podcast contribution page or by becoming a moth member@themoth.org where you can learn more about the Moth's upcoming shows and our corporate events and training program. And please tell us what you thought of today's episode. Tell us what you think of the Moth podcast in general. What do you love? What do you hate? What would you like to hear more of or less of? Email us@podcastthemoth.org thanks to all of you for listening. We hope you'll have a story worthy week week podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Network.