Dan Kennedy (0:00)

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Bill Burr (1:08)

Welcome to the Moth podcast. I'm dan Kennedy. Visit themoth.orgevents for details on our summer tour shows all across the country. The story you're about to hear by Bill Burr was told live at the moth back in 2003 when we visited the US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen. The theme of the night was When Worlds Collide, Tales from the Clash.

Bill Burr (1:34)

All right, thank you very much. All right, this is my story. I was dating this girl like, like two years ago. Been dating her for like eight months, and she wanted to meet my parents. She was really giving me shit like, how come I haven't met your parents? And, you know, I always just, I never liked, you know, I never brought anybody home to meet my parents. I was like 30 years old. Never met, brought anybody home, never. I didn't ever like meeting people in general. I didn't want to meet her parents. I always hated when you had to meet, like, you know, go out with somebody, you gotta, like, meet their friends and shit, you know, sitting at the table, trying to be interesting. I usually end up just sitting there staring at like mashed potatoes or some shit. So she's like, you know, how come, what's wrong with you? You know, how come you don't want to meet me? You know, bring you home to meet your parents. I started thinking about it like, you know, not only had I never brought anybody home, you know, a girl home, and I was 30 years old. I'd never brought anybody home. Even like back in like first grade, like second grade. I mean, I had friends and shit, I just never brought them home. So I started thinking like, you know, how the hell did that start? You know, as, you know, as we're basically driving up from New York to go to my house to finally my parents. And I remember like, I think it was like when I was first grade, we used to have a bus stop and it was like right out in front of my house and my parents used to always be arguing and my dad was like a maniac, you know, always screaming, God damn fucking bitch. You know, just total psycho. My dad was like a complete psychopath, you know. Like his nickname in my house was called the Thing because that's what he was. He was like, he was this fucking thing that like, if he wasn't around, we say, dude, is the Thing home? You know, if he wasn't home, you could chill. He's just like never in a good mood. So one day I'm down at the bus stop, there's like, you know, 10 other kids down there and shit. We're all like in first grade, second grade, third grade, waiting for the bus. And it's like towards the summertime, so my parents got like the windows open and shit, so I can start to hear like an argument starting like, well, what the fuck do you mean you didn't. And I'm sitting there sitting, like, please, please let the bus come, please for Christ's sake. All of sudden, you goddamn fucking bed screaming and shit. And I remember just looking at all the other kids, looks on their faces like, I guess, you know, this is like way before cable, so most kids never even heard curses. They couldn't believe it. And I was just. That's when it really hit me that, man, my family's really, really screwed up. And I started going over other kids houses and their parents seemed to get along and they were like, cool. And so the whole time I'm driving back, my girlfriend coming up, all this stuff is like coming back and I'm thinking and I really get like, oh, like, like I'm a 6 year old kid again, like getting all nervous, like how my dad, dad is gonna like act because it's like embarrassing, you know. I mean, I remember like, like he was one of these dudes where like, I don't know, he's just always in a bad mood. Like if you try to like teach you something, he'd say it once and then when you didn't get it, he'd just say it louder and louder. And I remember sixes going, this guy is. He's retarded. Like, I remember we got a dog, and he's trying to teach this dog how to sit. All right, It's a dog. It doesn't speak English. And he's sitting there going. He's, like, going, all right, sit, little puppy. Sit. Sit out. You're gonna get over there and you're gonna sit out. Dog sitting there, like, walking around, like, peeing. Like, what the is wrong with this guy? That was, like, his thing, man. Everything. Like, in my house, my parents, they were, like, ridiculously strict. They had all these stupid rules. Like, I remember they had, like, this one rule. Whatever you didn't eat for dinner, they would just, like, wrap it in cellophane, and you had to, like, eat it the next morning for breakfast. And there's, like, everybody sitting, eating their, like, pancakes and waffles. You're, like, eating, like, cube steaks and shit. Dad be going, come on, eat it. I don't want to eat it.