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Narrator (2:17)

The story you're about to hear by.

Chris Tomline (2:19)

Chris Tomline was told live in New York in 2010. The theme of the night was stories of the nearly and dearly departed.

Chris Tomline (2:32)

Thank you. I've been a funeral Director now for 20 years here locally in New York. I worked in Brooklyn and Queens, currently in Long island, and I've always worked at the busiest funeral homes Kind of like death is following me around. And when you work at the busiest funeral home, what that really means is that you're better than everyone else at getting rid of people. So don't have any misconceptions. I had a happy childhood. I wasn't off playing with dead animals or anything like that. To the contrary, actually, I wanted to be a doctor. And one day I was sitting in Queensborough Community College and realized that wasn't my fastest route to learn how to save a life. And I thought what I was going to do now, My only obstacle, getting into medical school at the time was going to be time and money and funeral directing. School was two years and ten grand and I was out. So I looked into the curriculum and see what I wanted to take. And our classes were like anatomy. I said, doctors take anatomy, chemistry, pathology, physiology. I said, I'm working on building something up here. We took classes like Embalming for Dummies and psych. And the class that I learned the least amount in, I didn't realize I was going to use the most because when you're with people at the worst time in their life, you really become their therapist. And my psych class was only about six months of vocabulary words stuffed down your throat that you had to regurgitate back down on a piece of paper. But one statement that stayed with me is that funerals are going to bring out the best and also the worst in people. And it was early on when I became a funeral director and after only going to school for two years, you're 21 years old and I didn't know it at the time, but I didn't know shit. And I'm going to try to get people through a bad day. I couldn't get myself through a good day. So one of my first arrangements, I'm sitting with somebody and Nana died. And Nana was old when I was born. She was almost 100 years old. She was 98. And I'm sitting with these people and they were affectionately talking about this lady. And it left an impression on me because usually when they're old, they just look to discard the people as fast as they can. And it was December when she died because they were talking how in a few weeks we can't have Christmas at Nana's house anymore and who's going to call us at night to say goodnight? And our birthdays weren't going to be the same. A little while into the arrangement, I realized that I didn't know what to do. So I started to cry with the family. I think I babbled something like, she was so young. And by the time we got done with the arrangement, they were patting me on the back saying, you'll be all right, don't worry. But at the end they were nice people because I did something, maybe my sincerity, that made them feel better. And they said, thank you. Well, the year goes by and I'm trying to fumble through my industry here and I come across Antoinette. And Antonette was the girl who worked at the deli down the block from the funeral home. And three, four days a week we would eat our lunches by going down to the deli and getting our sandwiches. And Antonette was not only the sandwich girl, she was a divorcee in the neighborhood and the local bar fly. If she wasn't at the deli, you could find her at any pub by 8:00 at night. And this is just truth. Because her mother was so involved in the neighborhood, we would see her pass by the funeral home either to go to church or ask if we saw her. So one Sunday morning, the phone rings at the chapel. And I know it was a Sunday because I said, what is she doing up so early? Saturday night's a big night out. So she said her mom died and she wanted to come over and make the funeral arrangements. So professionalism kicks in. I said, anthony, come right over, we're going to get you through this. We make the arrangements. They were very religious people. Her mom was very involved in the neighborhood and in the church and every parish that she could go through an open door. So we set up a traditional two day wake followed by the mass at the church down the block, which was the biggest in the neighborhood. And then we were going to Mount St. Mary Cemetery over in Queens. So anybody who has a drunk in their family knows that a wake is the license for public consumption and nobody's allowed to say anything. And Antoinette did not disappoint. For two days she was stumbling around in the funeral home. She was laughing with everybody that came through the door that she didn't see for a while. And she was crying at the most inappropriate times, like, where's the bathroom? So this was our entertainment. And I'm figuring the morning of the funeral that she was going to be out on the binge the night before. We were going to get started late, but to my surprise, she actually got there early. So we go off to church and it was a nice send off for a woman who was a little bit elderly because the church was packed. It was the kind of you had to bus in three communities full of people in order to get this church full. And the old lady had this church filled with everybody that she knew. There were eight priests on the altar. We had about four altar servers. Everybody wanted to pick a song that they knew was one of her favorites. And two people did a eulogy. Well, at the end of the Mass, I'm standing outside by the hearse, and I knew we were going to pass Mom's house. And I watch Antoinette come down the stairs, and she comes over to me, and I could smell that she's been drinking a little bit. And I know it wasn't communion wine. And she said, chris, before we go past, before we go to the cemetery, after we pass Mom's house, can we go past the house that I grew up in? I didn't think it was a problem, but I asked if she knew anybody who lived there. She told me no. So I figured we'd go surprise the new homeowner and stop in front with the hearse. So I get the procession going. Now, if it wasn't for this added leg to the trip that I was planning the night before, where I was going to stay on the big roads, avoid as many lights as possible, and get the whole procession there in one line, I wouldn't have had a problem. But she gave me the address, and I saw it was past the cemetery and we had to come back. So I go past the cemetery, and I'm on my way to the house. We passed the house, I wave at the lady doing some gardening on the lawn, and we leave. I make my first right, and I'm heading back off to go to the cemetery. Now, I have a hearse that I'm driving. The limousine is carrying the family and about 20 private cars following behind us. Now, if anybody has ever tried to lead one car through the streets of Queens, you know, it's pretty much impossible. And I have a tail of 20 cars following behind me. And I knew which car was going to be the problem, because the first light we go through, the light turns green. And I have two cars after the limousine behind me. And it was this little old man that I picked out at the church who was driving a dark little Fiat with his hands above his head, looking through the steering wheel. So I go about a block further down and I pull to the side because I don't want anybody to get rear ended. I only have a couple cars with me, and I stand out and I'm waving people pass so they don't run and get in my line. The light turns green and I hear this engine starting to rev. And out of the dust comes this car moving a lot slower than it sounded. But by the time he got to me, he blew right past the whole funeral procession. And everybody else followed behind him too. He was like, now I'm in trouble because I lost half the line or more. I figured he's old enough. He's been at the cemetery probably more times than me. He's. And I take my time and I get off to the. I head over to Mount St. Mary Cemetery and I pull in and everybody is not just there waiting for me. They're out of their cars, like they've been there a while. And this is not helping my plight here. So I bring everybody who was once in front of the procession back to the front. And I get out of the car. Before I get to the back of the hearse, Antoinette is already out of the limousine. And she's stumbling towards me and she's being a little bit belligerent. And she goes, you dumbass. Excuse me. She lost half my mother's friends and now nobody's gonna be here after so many people that were at the church. I said, no, no, Antoinette, look, everybody's right over here. They're by the cemetery office. She goes, don't you tell me. Get out of my face. I go, antoinette, everybody's over here. She goes, you idiot. Fuck you. And even though we were outside, I heard the collective gasp of everybody, like. And my arm was still sticking out like this. It was like I was watching the whole thing. I was talking to myself. I said, did you see that? I saw that. And I didn't want her to be intimidated. So here's where I failed psych. I brought my arm back around. I took a step back so she doesn't feel intimidated. And I said, antoinette, get back in the fucking limousine. I gotta go plant your mother. Forget training. I was brought up better than that. And I thought I was gonna get gang tackled, but everybody else was standing there, so I figured I put my head down and I'll head off to the cemetery office. I'm gonna let them know we're here. And either they were gonna jump on me or part the way. And it was like the Red Sea opened up and I just walked inside. I came back out. I was embarrassed to come back out, if you wanna know the truth. And everybody was in their cars. I guess they didn't wanna be with the psycho undertaker. Now. I never cursed at somebody and then prayed for them so close before in my Life. And I had to take them back up to the grave. I would pick my head up, they would put their head down. And I said prayers. And it was a quiet prayer because the lady that died didn't deserve what had happened. You could have heard a pin hit the grass. Now, normally, when I get done, I go over to the next of kin and go, there's anything else you need. I didn't think that was a good idea. Here, call us. So I went back to the hearse, and I figured, I'm going to drive back to the funeral home to get fired. On my way back, I said, you know, I really like working here. Maybe I won't say anything. I'll catch the boss by surprise. As soon as I get back to the funeral home chapel. And I go to put the keys back in the drawer. There's a note there. Chris, the boss is looking for you. Now, he was all the way back at two buildings that we had put together. He was so far back in the funeral home, was walking down two long hallways. And when you think you're getting fired, it was like walking the Green Mile. I go over, I knock on the door. He goes, who is it? I go, it's Chris. He goes, come on in. Now, normally, when you opened up his office door, you were looking at his back. Not when I got in the room. He had his elbows on his knees. He was palming his face. He had these big round glasses that were in style at the time. And he's looking over the top of them, and he goes, what happened? I said, about what? And he told me that somebody from the family called already from the cemetery. What happened? I said, she was being belligerent, and I don't get paid enough. Relax, I'm gonna let you off the hook. I guess he was afraid I was gonna ask for a raise. He goes, the cousin called and said, everybody in limousine couldn't come to your rescue because they needed the ride home. But they wanted to thank you for putting Antoinette in her place. Now I feel good about myself. He said, the only thing you did wrong was you tried to justify the mistake. He's in business. He said, whether the customer is right, wrong, or drunk, just that you're right and walk away the next time. I said, anything else? He said, yeah, don't order deli anymore. I said, is that it? He goes, no, there's two bodies in the prep room. Go and bomb them. Now, a lot of people might think that that was a punishment. That was actually my job. So the day goes on And a few weeks pass and I didn't know at the time because I was young and I was brass and I had a short fuse. But I learned a lesson there. And a few weeks later it hit me in the face. I was in the embalming room. My friends and I used to alternate. You direct. Today I embalm. And I was back in the embalming room and I opened up the pouch that a body came in and I was taken back because it was the face of an 18 year old boy. And when you're 23 and you're embalming somebody younger than you, it's a little surreal. So I take my gloves off, I run back up to the front, I grab my friend who made the arrangements. I said, stevie, what happened with this kid? Because we usually try to tip each other off what's happening? He goes, well, the police told his father about 2:30 in the morning the other day. He and his friend were going to a bodega on their way home and he bumped into somebody. And nobody said, excuse me, nobody said I'm sorry. And literally pushing came to shove. Two minutes later, the other man pulled a gun out and pulled the trigger. I wasn't so surprised that there was a bullet hole between his eyes. And this is what funeral directors come across every once in a while. I was so caught back by the look of surprise on his face because his head was towards me and his eyes were still open. And that's when it hit me, when I said, this kid died for nothing. And I should have. Not that I thought that I was going to get shot in a Catholic cemetery arguing with a drunk whose mother was dead. But there's been plenty of times before that where I now could consider myself lucky. So folks, from a younger funeral director's point of view, I say every once in a while, realize that life is fragile and sometimes, unfortunately, it's short. Don't sweat the small stuff. And every once in a while, when you stop to smell the roses, pick a few for yourself too. Thank you for listening.