Podcast Summary: The Moth - "Wrong Side of the Grass" by Chris Tomline

Introduction

In the June 10, 2013 episode of The Moth titled "Wrong Side of the Grass," Chris Tomline, a seasoned funeral director from New York, shares a poignant and humorous story from his two-decade-long career. Through his narrative, Tomline delves into the complexities of his profession, highlighting the delicate balance between professionalism and personal emotion when dealing with grief and loss.

Early Career and Education

Chris Tomline begins by recounting his journey into funeral directing. Contrary to common misconceptions, he assures listeners that his interest in death wasn’t born out of a morbid fascination during childhood. Instead, Tomline had aspirations of becoming a doctor, aiming to save lives. However, practicality steered him towards funeral directing as a more feasible path, citing time and financial constraints:

“Funeral directing was my fastest route to learn how to save a life.” [04:30]

He reflects on his education, emphasizing the unexpected importance of psychology. While his classes included technical subjects like embalming, it was his psychology course that profoundly impacted him. Tomline admits:

“Funerals are going to bring out the best and also the worst in people.” [07:15]

This insight underscored the necessity of providing emotional support to grieving families, effectively positioning him as both a funeral director and an impromptu therapist.

The Antoinette Case: A Challenging Arrangement

Tomline narrates one of his most memorable and challenging cases involving Antoinette, a local deli worker known for her erratic behavior. Antoinette, a divorcee and frequent patron of neighborhood bars, approached Tomline to arrange her mother's funeral. From the outset, it was clear that Antoinette was struggling:

“For two days she was stumbling around in the funeral home... Her crying at the most inappropriate times, like, where's the bathroom?” [12:45]

Despite her unpredictable demeanor, Tomline maintained professionalism, organizing a traditional two-day wake followed by a church mass and the burial at Mount St. Mary Cemetery. However, Antoinette's state of inebriation posed significant challenges, particularly during the funeral procession.

Conflict and Confrontation

On the day of the funeral, Tomline anticipated minor delays but was unprepared for the chaos that ensued. Antoinette requested to pass her childhood home during the procession, leading Tomline to alter his meticulously planned route. This deviation caused significant traffic disruptions, resulting in a disorganized and lengthy procession. Tensions escalated when Antoinette, visibly intoxicated, confronted Tomline about the delays:

“You dumbass. [16:00]”
“You idiot. Fuck you.” [16:30]

The outburst not only embarrassed Tomline in front of the mourners but also strained his professional demeanor. The congregation's collective gasp underscored the severity of the situation, leaving Tomline feeling vulnerable and mortified.

Resolution and Reflection

Expecting repercussions, Tomline returned to the funeral home, bracing himself for termination. Contrary to his fears, he discovered a note informing him that his boss wanted to speak with him. Upon meeting, the funeral director revealed that Antoinette’s family had been appreciative of Tomline’s handling of the situation, despite the confrontation:

“The only thing you did wrong was you tried to justify the mistake.” [18:20]

Tomline's boss offered guidance, advising him to accept both praise and criticism equally, emphasizing that the customer's perspective was paramount regardless of the circumstances.

Later Realization

Weeks later, Tomline experienced a profound moment that solidified his perspective on life and his profession. While embalming the body of an 18-year-old boy killed in a senseless altercation, he was struck by the fragility and brevity of life. Reflecting on his earlier frustration with Antoinette, Tomline realized the importance of not sweating the small stuff:

“...life is fragile and sometimes, unfortunately, it's short. Don't sweat the small stuff.” [22:50]

This epiphany served as a reminder to prioritize compassion and understanding over irritation, especially in moments laden with grief.

Conclusions and Lessons Learned

Chris Tomline concludes his story with heartfelt advice, urging listeners to recognize the unpredictability of life and the significance of cherishing every moment. His experiences as a funeral director have taught him resilience, empathy, and the value of maintaining composure amidst chaos.

“Pick a few [roses] for yourself too.” [23:30]

Through humor and vulnerability, Tomline imparts a universal message about the human condition, making his narrative both touching and relatable for audiences unfamiliar with the intricacies of funeral services.

Closing Remarks

"Wrong Side of the Grass" is a compelling testament to the emotional labor inherent in funeral directing. Chris Tomline's ability to intertwine humor with solemnity offers listeners a nuanced glimpse into a profession that navigates the deepest aspects of human emotion. His story not only entertains but also imparts valuable life lessons on handling adversity with grace and compassion.