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Colin Quinn (1:07)

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Dan Kennedy (1:52)

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. The Moth features true stories told live without notes. All stories on the Moth Podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York and Los Angeles and from our tour shows across the country. Visit themoth.org the story you're about to hear by Colin Quinn was recorded live at the Moth mainstay stage.

Colin Quinn (2:20)

About four months ago, I get a phone call. De Niro's wife calls me and says, look, I'm having a surprise party for De Niro. Would you go and do stand up comedy at the restaurant? So now I'm very jaded. You have to understand. You know, I was jaded to begin with, but just being in show business, you know, you get very jaded. You don't want to do anybody's stupid birthday party, especially because it's going to be in a restaurant and you know it's just a hell gig. Like after a while you get to know where the hell gigs are. You Know, it's just a bad setup. People are eating, you know. But this is different because it's De Niro. And like any other guy, I have that thing about De Niro, you know what I mean? Like where I'm like, you know, De Niro. And it's not just a worship of De Niro. It's also like I secretly feel like if De Niro ever got to spend some time with me and you know, that he'd really, you know, pretty soon it'd be like, you know, Robert De Niro and Colin Quinn starring in the Martin Scorsese production, you know, And I figured worse comes to worst, Scorsese will be there and he'll see me and he'll be like, oh my God, what's this guy been hiding from for so many years, right? And I'm not even really into like acting. I mean, I'm a comedian. That's what I love to do. But you know, De Niro, Scorsese movie, I would accept so you know, only if it was like a real, you know, man on man part kind of thing, you know, so. And when you do these gigs, if it's a one night gig, like this is gonna be, I think it's called Le Cirque. Whatever's across in St. Patrick's Cathedral, it's a famous restaurant like Le Cirque. I could be wrong on the name. I think it's called Le Cirque, but it's on fifth Avenue in some, eh, Like a Trump Hotel or something. I don't even know. But is it La Cirque? Yeah. Good. So all right, it's in Le Cirque. So usually you don't prepare for one night. You're not gonna write 20 minutes of material. You could do one stupid night of comedy. It's a waste of time. You know, you work some stuff in about the local thing, you bust balls at the table and then you do your act, you know, and you know you're gonna write 20 specific minutes or a half hour specific minutes. You couldn't do that every night? It's ridiculous, right? And memorize it, right? So. But this is different. De Niro, as I say, you know, so I actually wrote out, I sat home for like three nights in a row and sat there like, you know, and it's not like I like it, it's pathetic. Cause I'm too old to be like that in enthusiastic about anything, you know, but here I am like writing home. I didn't hear anything and I wrote, I set it up into three parts. One part was me coming out. And I know from being a comedian for 20 years, you come out, you start zinging people with quick ones, start hitting them with a. Cause it's like a roast. They. There's all these people, they're not expecting a comedian. I know how these gigs go boom, boom, start slamming people, get a few laughs. Then I was going into like a kind of humorous story about the first time I heard about De Niro. But like a true story that's humorous and kind of poignant, right? And then the third. And then the third part is gonna be me. This is. It's humiliating to say, but it was gonna be me doing. Because every guy knows some scenes from all of De Niro's movies. It was me doing like little scenes. I mean, I've never been like this in my life. You know, scenes from De Niro's movies playing all the little characters. Because I forget I memorized all the scenes. People probably go nuts, go, this guy knows every line and every mean. Well, every guy knows every line every De Niro movie, you know. But I figured I was kind of representing all of us that like De Niro, you know, and you know. Cause then you're like, this is plus. I just gotten to the point, stand up wise. After all these years. I was like, you know, my act, I'm so tight on stage, blah, blah, blah. I know exactly what I'm doing. I can free anything. I do. I just know how to do it. This is like meant to be. That his wife would call me at this time in my life when, like, you know, I'm really tight, you know, comedically. So anyway, I go. So I go to the gig, you know, I get to the gig and I see already it's kind of like a weird. There's a side room. All the kids are playing in the side room at La Cirque. So I'm ready. I'm like. And it's like, it's not even dark yet. You know, it's almost dark. I pull up in a cab, I go in there, they give me a mic. The staff is looking at me like, oh, you know, like all actors. Like, I wish I could be like this guy, you know, he's successful. They give me a cordless mic, I'm in the side. There's like, probably 80 people. But like heavyweights. I got like Irwin Winkler type people. I don't even know if he was there. But people like, you know, these like, names you haven't heard in 20 years, but they are real powerhouses and shit, you know? And like, at one table it's Billy Crystal, Whoopi Goldberg and Robin Williams in the corner. So. But that doesn't bother me because, you know, doesn't bother me. You know, then they got, please wait. And then now Billy Crystal, by the way, doesn't like me because. And I don't blame him. Every time he put on snl, he told some friend of mine, what's Colin Quinn's problem? Every time he put on snl, he's slamming one of my movies. What, does he hate me or something? So of course that makes me pissed at him. Like, what does he care? But of course, if that was me, if I was him, I'd feel the same way, but it doesn't matter. So me and him have never met. But there's a lot of static, right? So. So now then, on the other side of the room, you got Chris walking, Harvey Keitel, all these guys, right? So I go with my. So there's a podium, cordless mic, and you can sense a hell gig. But like I said, after a certain amount of years, you just be. You get beyond. You're bigger, you can rock, you turn around. Gigs, hell gigs, doesn't matter. So. Especially because I have all this specific material. So I get a little podium for my three part De Niro thing, right? Cause you know, I can't. Just in case, I want to make sure I get it all in. So I go up there, everyone's eating. She goes. Nobody introduces me. Just let him go up at the mic. So that's always a good so. But it doesn't matter. So they got all the people eating. But the first course, I just don't put me on, put me on. After the course, I'm telling the wife. We're backstage plotting. It's a surprise. Nobody knows I'm there, right? Except for the wife. I go out there, hey. And everyone's looking. I go, oh, it's great to be here, De Niro, you know, I met him once very briefly on snl, but so everybody's like, okay, who is this son of a bitch, right? So. But I think they all know me, you know, I'm like. And then I go. So I figured I'd start with a few roast zingers to get the crowd going. So, hey, De Niro, I'll tell you the truth, I really love. You're one of the greatest actors of all time. Do you do any other accents? Then everyone looks at me like, you know, and then I go, I go, no, Seriously, you prepare for your roles very seriously. You know, you gain weight for Raging Bull. Then for the Untouchables, you put on a few. Hey, maybe you're just a fat bastard who likes to eat. Just looking at me. Who's this son of a bitch in salt dinner? It's birthday. His big birthday bag, you know. So a couple of them know me, sort of, but they're still wondering why I'm here. Nobody. So I'm still trying to get De Niro. So I go, oh, boy. Hey, I heard you prepare for your roles, you know, very seriously, for months. How do you prepare for Rocky and Bullwinkle? By looking in the mirror and apologizing to your fans. So now, all right, now I realize I'm bombing, you know, already it's starting. And, like, you know, I'm looking out the window. I see St. Patrick's Cathedral, which is kind of like symbolic, like, right? And then it's kind of raining out, you know, it's like, it's still my dark, you know, it's bad enough it's a bad environment of comedy. And so I say, screw it. They're obviously here for De Niro. I'm not stupid. I move over to Keitel and Walker and those guys. I'll slam them for a few minutes. So they're sitting over there. So I go, hey, Keitel, why don't you make yourself at home? Take your pants off. I know it was only, like, one movie. He did it, but, you know, he's kind of known for it anyway. So then I go, chris, walk. So that guy's not, you know, less than nothing now, you know? Then I go to Chris Walken, I go, hey, Chris Walken, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be doing a cameo in an unwatchable independent film? Oh, I'm singing him, and the dumb girl with him was like, ah, applauding. She thinks I just said something good about him, you know? So normally in a situation like this, a pro comedian like myself or anybody else, you realize you're starting to sweat. You go into your act, you know. But I know my act is not going to work. And I'm looking over and I can know. I just know. I can't really see them in the back table. But I know Billy Crystal must be living his goddamn glory right now. He must be so happy to see me fall, you know what I'm saying? I can't see him between Robin and Whoopi, but I know he must be back there just eating it up. So now, of Course, I'm bombing with the roastings. So now, instead of going into my act, which probably wouldn't have worked, but it would have been better than nothing, I start trying to go into my story about the emotional time and the De Niro story. And now my mouth is dry. I'm saying things out of sequence. Because that's what happens when you start bombing. You're saying things out of sequence, and you're, like, saying words out of order. You know, this one backwards. I'm like, you know, I mean, De Niro, seriously is a great guy. Like, they need me, the guy that doesn't know him, to say, seriously, though, he's good, too. Let me just give my stamp of approval, you know? So they're looking at me with semi hate. A couple of people had pity, but mostly it was hate. And, you know, and De Niro goes, keep going. A couple of people start heckling me like old people start, like, you know, hostilely, like, yelling, like, hey. De Niro goes, hey, I think you're funny. And so, like, he's pitying me. It's really pathetic. So I go, thanks, Bob. And, you know, I try to, like, improv off him. I mean, once you bought. Once the audience hates you, it's over. There's no point. It doesn't matter what you do. You know what I mean? When it's over, that's it. So. But for some reason, I can't let myself give up my dream. I had this whole dream put together of me and De Niro and, you know, I mean, you know, it's not that I do that all the time. I'm not some starstruck kid. I'm thinking, you know, but this is the one. And it was just. So anyway, I get to part three now, this is the worst part, because here I am behind a podium, everybody hates my guts. It's uncomfortable. All the waiters that were jealous of all the actors are looking at me like, I would rather wait tables for 20 years than be this asshole, you know, they were like, totally just like, oh. I mean, they were really looking disgusted at me. So then I actually go into, like. And I'm not known for my vocal range, as we know. I go into Goodfellas, the scene, if, you know, Goodfellas in the bar with Billy Bats, De Niro, Joe Pesci and somebody else and Frank Vincent. And it's like four people in the scene. I'm actually doing a reenactment of the scene, you know, I mean, and I'm doing each of the different characters, of course, the same voice with each of them, you know, which could work with that actual scene. But I'm like, hey, hey, Billy. Hey, Joe. And I'm moving like this to show the different people. And I mean, people are just mortified, you know, because now even De Niro's wife, who set the whole thing up, who I blame, even she's looking at me pissed off now. Get off. You know what I mean? She's like, get off. You know what I mean? It's like. And I'm doing this thing and I'm looking at St Patrick's across the street, and it's just like. And then one lady goes, oh. Like she felt sorry for me. Oh, and now I had on it. Oh, I had another gig. So I had two shirts. I had a nice. I just brought this cashmere shirt. And I was all excited. I had with me, you know, But I carry. I don't have ever carry bags in my family. We never carry, like, God forbid, like, you know, suit bags. You just carry it with you. That's how we do. So I got a suit on, nice suit, nice shirt, which is soaked through to the core with sweat. I mean, it's really. My whole face is sweating. I mean, just a shame filled nobody. And these are people that study faces like actors and directors. They could see shame, you know, I feel like they could see inside like a. Like an X ray. I'm just filled with shame. My whole life is miserable, you know. And then so finally I just go, happy birthday. Like, seriously happy birthday. And, you know, I get off stage, it's like, you know, there's a smattering sort of applause. But even, you know, when people, when they're mad at you, even if they kind of feel like, bad, they still can't really applaud. They resent you for, you know, wasting and ruining the party, whatever. So I go outside, I'm trying to, like, you know, get the whole thing together. So Robin Williams comes outside. I'm standing on fifth Avenue because I have to go to this other gate. Robin Williams comes outside crying with laughter. He knows me a little bit. He's laughing his balls off. He goes. He goes, you went up there? My wife goes, what's that guy doing with a microphone? Talking. What's he doing up there? Robin? And she told him, go up and save them. At some point, that would have been the. The only way this story would have been worse is if Robin Williams had come up and started doing his improv and saved me. And the whole crowd was like, oh, Robin, you saved this idiot. You know, so thank God he didn't, you know, he knows better. Anyway, the end of the story is me talking to Robin and just saying, you know, it's like, it doesn't bother me, Robin, because I'm just talking about gigs, you know, it's another bomb. You know, it doesn't matter. You don't really look at it like, you know. And then he starts laughing because what happened was my stupid shirt, my new cashmere shirt. He didn't know it was my new very exciting cashmere shirt that I bought. It was kind of raining like I said, you know, it fell off the hanger and it was just in a puddle and it's like. But only, only a little bit of it was in the water part as I turned around to get it. And I'm not kidding. Ask Robin Williams if you know him. As I turned around to get it, a car, really my shirt. Oh God. Happy birthday, Bob.