Podcast Summary: Deborah Feldman – "I Need To Talk About Anne Frank"
Podcast Title: The Moth
Host/Author: The Moth
Episode: Deborah Feldman: I Need To Talk About Anne Frank
Release Date: July 1, 2014
Introduction
In this poignant episode of The Moth, Deborah Feldman shares her deeply personal journey intertwined with the legacy of Anne Frank. Told live in Northampton, Massachusetts, Deborah navigates her complex relationship with her Satmar Hasidic upbringing, the shadows of the Holocaust, and her quest for identity and forgiveness.
Growing Up in the Satmar Hasidic Community
Deborah begins by reflecting on her upbringing within the restrictive Satmar Hasidic sect, led by Holocaust survivors who viewed strict adherence to tradition as a means to prevent future atrocities.
“I was raised by a Holocaust survivor. My grandmother lost every living relative in the war...” ([02:36])
The community's harsh stance on assimilation and Zionism left Deborah feeling isolated and ostracized, particularly as a reminder of her parents' scandalous divorce.
“I was seen as a stain on my family, and I was considered an outcast by my peers.” ([02:36])
Despite this, her grandmother provided unwavering love and safety, becoming the cornerstone of Deborah’s emotional world.
“She made me feel loved. She made me feel seen, and she made me feel safe.” ([02:36])
Discovering Anne Frank
At ten years old, Deborah's curiosity about her grandmother led her to discover an English spy novel hidden among her grandmother's silk slips—a forbidden act in their community.
“In the Satmar community, English books are forbidden...” ([02:36])
This revelation coincided with her clandestine visits to the Brooklyn Public Library, where she was introduced to The Diary of Anne Frank. Reading Anne's heartfelt writings became a mirror for Deborah's own unspoken emotions and hopes.
“I fell in love with Anne, because who wouldn't fall in love with Anne?” ([07:15])
The diary's harrowing account of Anne's experiences in Bergen Belsen forced Deborah to confront the brutal realities her grandmother endured, leading to an emotional breakdown.
“I cried all the way home. It wasn't regular crying...” ([12:30])
Unable to articulate her trauma, Deborah fabricated a story to shield her grandmother from the truth, deepening the emotional rift between them.
Leaving the Community and Seeking Answers
At 22, feeling suffocated by the Satmar community’s constraints, Deborah left to forge her own path, severing ties with her past, including her beloved grandmother.
“When I left, I had to cut ties with everyone I ever knew, including my grandmother...” ([16:00])
Haunted by unanswered questions about her grandmother's resilience, Deborah embarked on a transformative journey across Europe to retrace her grandmother's footsteps and understand her survival.
Journey Through Europe and Meeting Marcus
Traversing concentration camp sites in Hungary, Deborah encountered numerous Germans, challenging the community's blanket vilification of the entire German population.
“Everyone of their grandparents were in the Resistance. None of them knew any anti-Semites. This is fishy, I thought.” ([10:45])
In Munich, she met Marcus, a German man whose grandfather was an SS officer—a revelation that shattered her preconceived notions and ignited a complex emotional response.
“He was very handsome in a typical Aryan way... and he was smart.” ([13:20])
Their ensuing relationship forced Deborah to grapple with her inherited hatred and the possibility of forgiveness, further complicating her emotional landscape.
“I realized my grandmother was there. She saw that. And I became filled with a tremendous, explosive rage.” ([15:00])
Confronting the Past with Marcus's Mother
The journey culminated in Frankfurt, where Deborah met Marcus's mother, a woman raised by Nazis. This encounter was pivotal in her quest to reconcile with the past and seek forgiveness.
“I want to let go of all that. I don't want this hate and this trauma to last forever.” ([18:45])
Marcus's mother shared her own struggles with guilt and forgiveness, highlighting the profound challenges victims and perpetrators face in healing historical wounds.
“It's easy for the victims to say they forgive. The guilty cannot forgive themselves.” ([19:10])
Conclusion: Embracing Forgiveness and Moving Forward
Deborah concludes her story by reflecting on the complexities of love, identity, and the enduring impact of history on personal relationships. Her relationship with Marcus ultimately faced insurmountable challenges, epitomizing the intricate dance between past traumas and present desires.
“I thought I had given up so much in my life to be free, to be 100% me. And I really needed to live a life where I could talk about Anne Frank.” ([22:50])
Final Thoughts
Deborah Feldman's narrative is a compelling exploration of intergenerational trauma, the search for personal identity, and the arduous path toward forgiveness. Her story underscores the profound ways in which history shapes individual lives and the enduring quest to reconcile with the past.
Notable Quotes:
- “I became very invested in her future because it felt like being invested in my own future.” ([09:10])
- “I wanted to murder somebody.” ([15:30])
- “I didn't know if I believed myself, and I didn't know if I believed her either when we talked about that.” ([20:05])
- “I have to think about that.” ([19:40])
Attribution:
Deborah Feldman’s moving recounting was facilitated by host Dan Kennedy, who contextualized her story within The Moth community's broader themes of not looking back. The episode not only highlights her struggles but also celebrates her resilience and quest for understanding.
Additional Information:
Following the story, Dan Kennedy introduced Deborah's memoir Exodus, which delves deeper into her journey post-Satmar community and her search for a personal, authentic Jewish identity.
For more stories like Deborah Feldman's and information on upcoming The Moth events, visit themoth.org.