Elna Baker: To Russia With Love - The Moth

Summary

Summary of "Elna Baker: To Russia With Love" from The Moth Podcast

Introduction

In the episode titled "Elna Baker: To Russia With Love," released on April 29, 2013, storyteller Elna Baker shares a deeply personal narrative about navigating her religious upbringing and personal autonomy. Presented live at a Town Hall event in New York under the theme "Raise the Roof," Baker's story delves into themes of faith, family, identity, and the courage to confront difficult truths.

Background: A Mormon Upbringing

Elna Baker begins by setting the stage of her life within a close-knit Mormon family. She explains the gravity of sexual relations outside marriage in her faith, noting that it is considered the "second most serious sin next to murder" ([02:52]). This stringent belief system instills in her a profound sense of guilt and fear regarding any deviation from religious commandments.

The Dilemma: Choosing Honesty Over Concealment

At 28 years old, Baker faces a significant personal crossroads: she has lost her virginity, an experience that conflicts with her Mormon beliefs. Understanding the potential backlash from her parents—ranging from disappointment to the possibility of being disowned—she grapples with the fear of their reaction. To complicate matters, Baker has authored an article for Glamour magazine titled "Guess What, I'm Not a Virgin Anymore," scheduled for publication three months later. Anticipating the turmoil it could cause, especially coinciding with her younger sister's wedding, she decides to preemptively inform her parents by flying to Siberia, where they reside due to her father's job at a titanium factory.

The Trip to Siberia: Anticipation and Tension

Baker describes her journey to Siberia as both "terrifying and exhilarating," given the cultural and emotional weight of the impending conversation ([02:52]). Upon arrival, subtle signs of change become evident. Her mother remarks, "You look different," questioning whether the loss of her virginity is the cause ([04:15]). Despite the mounting anxiety, Baker refrains from initiating the conversation immediately.

Building Bridges: Unexpected Bonding Moments

Over the next two weeks, instead of the confrontation she feared, Baker and her parents share joyful experiences. They explore abandoned villages, play music at a monastery, and revel in newfound camaraderie. Baker reflects, "It's amazing how much you can appreciate something when you're really afraid you're about to lose it," highlighting how shared moments can transcend underlying tensions ([07:30]).

The Missed Opportunity: A Breakfast Incident

On the final day of her trip, a seemingly trivial accident during breakfast—"some of the yolk splashed up into my eye"—triggers a religious outburst from her mother: "Do not take the Lord's name in vain. Do you know how much that hurts me?" ([12:45]). This incident becomes a catalyst for Baker's inability to broach the topic of her lost virginity, leading to a strained and silent drive to the airport.

Revelations in Transit: Miscommunications and Hidden Truths

During the airport drive, an unintended revelation occurs when her father discusses alcoholism with the taxi driver. Baker seizes the moment to mention her own changing relationship with alcohol, causing her parents' surprise ([14:50]). This misalignment—where Baker had been discreetly rebelling against her faith by drinking and smoking—exposes the deep disconnect and highlights her parents' inability to understand her true struggles.

Longing for Connection: The Aftermath of Silence

Baker recounts her continued attempts to communicate with her parents, including a poignant phone call where she finally conveys her truth: "I need to be honest with you about who I am. I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm 28 years old and I finally decided to have sex. Please love me anyway." ([15:40]). Contrary to her fears, her parents respond with unconditional love, expressing disappointment but reaffirming their support.

Reflections: Letting Go and Moving Forward

Attending her sister's Mormon wedding becomes a moment of introspection for Baker. As a bridesmaid excluded from the religious ceremony, she sits alone in her dress, contemplating the possibility that her departure from Mormonism might alienate her from the afterlife beliefs instilled in her ([16:10]). This realization underscores the complexity of balancing personal happiness with familial and religious expectations.

Conclusions: Embracing Dual Worlds

Baker concludes her story by addressing the challenge of holding onto elements from both her religious upbringing and newfound personal freedom. She muses, "We need a break because there are things in both worlds that we just want to hold onto so badly. And yet the more you try to hold onto them, the further apart they get. Until finally you just have to let some things go." ([16:20]). Emphasizing the importance of family, she acknowledges the necessity of making difficult choices to live authentically, hoping to let go of what no longer serves her while cherishing what remains.

Closing Remarks

Elna Baker's narrative is a powerful exploration of self-discovery amidst rigid cultural and religious frameworks. Her ability to convey vulnerability and resilience offers listeners a heartfelt perspective on the universal journey of seeking acceptance and understanding within oneself and one's family.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

On the severity of sin in Mormonism:
- "For Mormons, sex before marriage is considered the second most serious sin next to murder." ([02:52])
Upon arrival in Siberia:
- "You look different." ([04:15])
Reflecting on shared experiences:
- "It's amazing how much you can appreciate something when you're really afraid you're about to lose it." ([07:30])
During the breakfast incident:
- "Do not take the Lord's name in vain. Do you know how much that hurts me?" ([12:45])
Expressing her need for honesty:
- "I need to be honest with you about who I am. I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm 28 years old and I finally decided to have sex. Please love me anyway." ([15:40])
On trying to balance dual identities:
- "We need a break because there are things in both worlds that we just want to hold onto so badly. And yet the more you try to hold onto them, the further apart they get. Until finally you just have to let some things go." ([16:20])

Conclusion

Elna Baker's story in The Moth podcast episode "To Russia With Love" is a compelling testament to the complexities of personal identity within the confines of cultural and religious expectations. Her honest and introspective storytelling invites listeners to reflect on their own relationships, beliefs, and the courage required to forge one's path.

Transcript

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Elna Baker (2:52)

So I'm 28 years old and I'm flying to Siberia to tell my parents that I've lost my virginity. Most children wouldn't feel compelled to do this. Most parents honestly don't want to know. But my family is different. We're very close, and my parents are Mormon. And for Mormons, sex before marriage is considered the second most serious sin next to murder. A horrible thing, sex. Something that brought us all here. And for the year that I had taken a break from being Mormon and then ultimately ventured into having sex, I had been racked with guilt about how my parents would respond to this. Worst case scenario, they might disown me. And I was so afraid of how they would respond that I finally decided the only way to find out was, was to just tell them. But also, I had written an article for Glamour magazine about how I had lost my virginity, and it was going to come out in three months. And I decided I should give them fair warning. Now, this article was supposed to be like a heartfelt piece about what it's like to lose your virginity later in life. But then Glamour got their hands on it, and the title was, Guess what, I'm not a virgin anymore. And there was a photo of me dangling a cherry over my mouth. And this article was slated to come out the same week as my younger sister's wedding. And I knew I had to tell my parents because I didn't want to upstage the wedding. You know, I'd be like, julia's getting married. Elna's going to hell. So three months before it came out, I flew to Siberia. Now my parents live in Siberia because my dad runs a titanium factory there. Yeah, actually, my goal is to run down the halls and knock things over and be like, it's Daddy's factory. But it takes three days to fly to Siberia, so I have plenty of time to prepare my stuff. And, you know, I was most afraid, not that they would disown me, but that I was going to disappoint them beyond heartbreak. And I think the reason for that is Mormons believe a very specific thing, and that is that families can be together forever. So after you die, you can still be with your family if you're married in a Mormon temple and if your kids keep God's commandments. And because I had broken the second most serious commandment, I was essentially going there to tell my parents that I wouldn't be with them in the Afterlife. And that we only had a little bit more time together. And so I wanted to tell them the first day, because then I thought, well, we'll have two weeks to kind of repair our relationship. So I get there, and the first thing my mother says when she sees me is, you look different. And I think, I don't have a hymen. I don't know. I was like, I can't tell her now. I'll tell her tomorrow. So then the next day, we go on this hike, and it's beautiful and it's peaceful, and I think I should tell my parents. We get to the top of this mountain, and I'm about to tell them when my mother turns and looks out and she says, look at that pure white snow. I think I'm not a virgin anymore. And I was like, I can't tell them now. And so I don't tell them. And for two weeks, you know, we just had so much fun together. You know, they were proud of me, and they liked me, and I wasn't in trouble. And we went. You know, we snuck in. In Siberia, there are these abandoned villages, and we snuck into houses and took things. Or we went up to the top of this monastery and we played We Will Rock youk on the bells. And it's amazing how much you can appreciate something when you're really afraid you're about to lose it. And I was really afraid I was about to lose my relationship, as I understood it, with my parents. And then it was the last day of my trip, and I still hadn't told them. My father had gotten up early to go to the titanium factory to work. They don't run themselves. And my mother made breakfast, and I thought, okay, I'll tell Mom. She can tell dad. So. So we're sitting down to breakfast, and I'm about to tell her when I cut into the eggs that she's made me. And some of the yolk splashed up into my eye. And I cover my eye and I say, oh, my God. And my mother drops her silverware and says, do not take the Lord's name in vain. Do you know how much that hurts me? Yeah. And I think I can't tell her ever. And I just. I start to cry because I think how sad it is. Like, is this what being an adult is? You can't talk about your life to your parents anymore? Because, like, when you do things that are PG PG 13, you can share, and then when you stop, you can't share. And my dad showed up an hour later, and we Got in the cab to go to the airport, and it was a three hour drive to the airport. And I think, well, this is the last chance. This is what? So I'm here, I'll tell them. But then my dad starts talking to the driver and they're making friends and I'm. Now I have to tell my parents. And the driver and they start talking about Russia. And the driver asks my parents in their time there what they would change about Russia. And my father immediately answers, the alcoholism, it's ruining this country. And the driver says, well, how do you change that? And my dad says, you never take the first sip. Because, you know, I know myself, I have an addictive personality. I can't just have one brownie. And if you take that first sip, you'll never stop. And I'm sitting in the front and I turn around and I go, you know, it's funny that you say that because you used to teach that to us growing up. And you know, I drink now, and it's totally possible to drink in moderation. Well, I turn around and my parents faces are white. And my dad says, what? You drink? And I say, you didn't know that? And I was like, you knew that? I was on my rumspringer from Mormonism. I was taking a break. You know, what did you guys think that meant? And my mother says, we thought it meant you weren't going to church on Sunday. And I'm like, we are not on the same page at all. And I guess it was wrong of me to think that my parents would understand. I had decided after nine years of living in New York as a practicing Mormon, I mean, really trying to be Mormon. At 25, I almost married another Mormon. I moved to Utah. I tried to make that life work. And then I got back to New York and I still tried. And I had so many crises of faith. And every time I was told it's because you're just not being obedient enough. So I would just try to be more Mormon. And then finally one day I thought, I don't know what's on the other side. And I want to do what the Amish do, where for a year at 16, they can go out into the world and try anything they want and come back with no religious consequences. And so I decided to start a break. And it took a lot. Drinking for the first time, Smith, smoking, having coffee, having sex. I mean, each one of these things, it was terrifying and new. And it brought something into my life that I could somehow not undo. And now I Had to try to share that life with my parents. Well, they gave me the silent treatment for the three hours to the airport. And when we got there, my father said, this break of yours, is it worth it? And I thought about it. And in the midst of the year of doing all these things, there had been one moment of clarity. But I could not share that with my father. It happened a few months earlier. When I first started drinking. I was too afraid to have more than one glass because I'd seen Girls Gone Wild, and I didn't know how many they had. It was like, how many till I show my boobs? So I would just have one glass. But I went to a holiday party, and I had a few more drinks than usual. And I was there with this guy that I liked. And it got late into the night, and at one point, he turned to me and he said, let's check into the Chelsea Hotel. Yeah. And I thought, you know, I can't do. You know, I don't even. I've never done anything with a guy. But then I thought, no, I'm on a break. I can do this. So I said, yes. And I still remember four in the morning and the sound my heels made on the marble as we approached that front desk. And there was this old woman, and her back was to us, and she was filing mail. And I kind of leaned in and I said, excuse me. Is it too late to check in? And she turned around, and she had frizzy red hair and smeared lipstick and a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. And she just said, actually, most people check in right about now. And it was this whole other world. And we went upstairs, and, you know, I didn't end up having sex that night, but it was the first time that I was naked with somebody, which is really special. And we fell asleep. And maybe an hour later, I woke up with a. You know, what am I doing here? What am I doing here with a naked man? And just what am I doing here? And all this time, my biggest fear of not being Mormon was that my light would go out. Because I was taught that God is light and truth and that sin is darkness. And the more sin you let in, the darker you will be. And here I was letting darkness in, but I still had my light, and it was okay. But you can't tell that to your dad, right? So instead, when he asked me if the break was worth it, I just said, I don't know yet. And I got on the plane, and as the doors to the plane shut, I realized that I Had flown all the way to Siberia to tell my parents that I'd had sex. And instead I just revealed that I drink in moderation. Well, a month before the article came out, I called them and I told them and it was really, really hard. And actually my gay best friend told me later that the speech I gave is literally the same speech every gay man gives when he's coming out to his parents. I said, look, I need to tell you something. I've been so afraid to tell you because I thought maybe you wouldn't love me anymore. But I need to be honest with you about who I am. I'm not doing this to hurt you. I'm 28 years old and I finally decided to have sex. Please love me anyway. And you know, my parents response was the best case scenario. You know, they told me that they were incredibly disappointed, that they didn't think this was going to make me happy, but that I was still their daughter and that they will always love me. And the next time I saw them was at my sister's wedding a month later. And it was a Mormon wedding in the Salt Lake City temple. And because of that and because I'm not practicing, I wasn't actually allowed in the wedding, but I was a bridesmaid. So for the three hour ceremony, I had to be in the parking lot in my bridesmaid's dress and come out for pictures. And I remember it was freezing. And just sitting out there in my bridesmaid's dress, I just started thinking, you know, what if Mormonism is true and everything I grew up learning is right and I'm walking away from it like, is this what the afterlife is going to be like? You know, my parents, my whole family is inside of this beautiful glowing white building and I am in a car in a bridesmaid's dress for eternity. And, you know, the year of my break was almost up and I thought about the whole notion of taking a break. I think some people can just decide or be done with something and make up their mind, but then other people like me, we need a break because there are things in both worlds that we just want to hold onto so badly. And yet the more you try to hold onto them, the further apart they get. Until finally you just have to let some things go. And, you know, my family is the most important thing to me in my life. But I had to finally just decide, you know, to try to live a life. And in the end, you just hope you let go of the right things. Thank you.