Ethan Hawke: Ode to Stepfather - The Moth

Podcast Summary: The Moth Episode - "Ethan Hawke: Ode to Stepfather"

Episode Information:

Title: The Moth
Host/Author: The Moth
Episode: Ethan Hawke: Ode to Stepfather
Release Date: September 16, 2014

Introduction

In this heartfelt installment of The Moth podcast, acclaimed actor and writer Ethan Hawke shares a deeply personal story titled "Ode to Stepfather." Told live in New York during a 2003 mainstage show themed "Under the Influence," Hawke delves into the profound impact his stepfather, Michael Marquis, had on his life. This narrative explores themes of mentorship, familial bonds, and the complex emotions intertwined with growing up.

Ethan Hawke's Story: A Journey with Michael Marquis

Early Encounters and First Impressions ([02:36] - [05:20])

Ethan Hawke begins by introducing Michael Marquis, a multifaceted man—Vietnam veteran, professional athlete, ski and golf instructor, and a car enthusiast with a 1933 MG. Meeting Michael at the age of seven, Hawke describes him as the first significant male figure in his life following his parents' separation. Michael's rugged persona and cool demeanor left a lasting impression on young Hawke, fostering both admiration and a complex emotional attachment.

Teaching Masculinity and Building Skills ([05:21] - [09:15])

Michael took Hawke and his mother to Vermont, where they lived in a picturesque one-bedroom cabin. Here, Michael aimed to teach Hawke the essence of manhood. He imparted practical skills like chopping wood and instilled a sense of self-reliance by having Hawke walk miles to school alone. Hawke recounts a pivotal memory where Michael encourages him to shoot a buck, a moment that stirred conflicting emotions and highlighted the subconscious influences shaping his understanding of courage and responsibility.

Challenges and Emotional Turmoil ([09:16] - [13:45])

The narrative takes a poignant turn as Hawke describes the deterioration of their living situation, leading to a move to Atlanta, Georgia. Michael's absence and the complexities of his relationships with other women created a tumultuous environment for Hawke. An incident at a gifted and talented program, where Hawke was expelled for criticizing a peer's artwork, is linked to his strained relationship with Michael. This period marks a significant shift, revealing the undercurrents of abuse and emotional manipulation that Hawke experienced.

A Bittersweet Farewell ([13:46] - [16:00])

On his birthday in Atlanta, Michael makes a surprise visit, bringing joy and excitement as he entertains Hawke and his friends. However, the farewell is heart-wrenching. As Michael departs, promising to stay in touch, Hawke grapples with feelings of abandonment and betrayal, culminating in an outburst towards his mother. Years later, a message from Michael acknowledging Hawke's growth and achievements serves as a poignant closure to their complicated relationship.

Key Themes and Insights

Influence of Father Figures: Hawke's story underscores the profound impact stepfathers can have, shaping one's identity and understanding of masculinity.
Complex Emotions: The narrative captures the conflicting feelings of love, resentment, admiration, and betrayal that often accompany familial relationships.
Resilience and Growth: Despite the challenges, Hawke's reflections reveal a journey towards self-awareness and emotional resilience influenced by his experiences with Michael.

Notable Quotes

On Michael's Character:

"He was a very tough guy." ([03:15])
Describing the MG Automobile:

"It was like a 1933 MG. It was like a motorcycle. I mean, this thing was so cool." ([04:50])
On Learning Football:

"You make a diamond with your hands, your thumb to your four fingers, and if you can touch it, you can catch it." ([07:10])
Emotional Climax:

"Michael, we're out on this little deck outside of it. And Michael's like, see that? Look at that buck. Look at that buck. Get the shotgun, Ethan, get the shotgun." ([12:30])
Final Reflection:

"I carry him with me every day and he's been the secret influence of my life." ([15:45])

Conclusion

Ethan Hawke's "Ode to Stepfather" is a profound exploration of the intricate dynamics between a child and a step-parent. Through vivid storytelling, Hawke invites listeners to reflect on the lasting influences that shape our identities and the enduring complexities of familial bonds. This episode exemplifies The Moth's mission to share impactful, true stories that resonate on a deeply human level.

Additional Information

For more stories and live events, visit themoth.org.

Transcript

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Dan Kennedy (2:13)

I'm Dan Kennedy. The story you're about to hear by Ethan Hawke was told live here in New York at one of our main stage shows back in 2003. The theme of the night was under the Influence, the powers that shape and shake us. Here's Ethan Hawke.

Ethan Hawke (2:36)

Under the Influence is our topic tonight and I thought of a lot of different things and the one I kind of wanted to talk about was my secret influence. There are people in our lives that are incredibly important to us. And I would even mention to say, some of the most important people. Everybody, aside from my mother in my life doesn't know anything about this person who I think about every day. And his name was Michael Marquis. And so if this were a violin piece, it would be called Ode to Michael Marquis. I met him when I was 7 years old and I was growing up. My mother had left my father when I was about 2 or 3. And this was the first man that my mother had brought home, like, for me to meet. And he was a Vietnam vet. He was a professional athlete. He had played college football, college baseball. He was a ski instructor and a golf instructor. He had, like, a big beard, and he drank scotch, and he had a German shepherd, and he had a lab. And he had this unbelievable MG. And not, like, those little, like, wussy MGs that you see. Like, it was like a 1933 MG. It was like a motorcycle. I mean, this thing was so cool. The doors, like, went super low, you know. I mean, it was just so cool. And he was so cool. And he was the first person to really tap into. He may have tapped into it, he may have created it, I'm not sure. But a mama's boy complex, which was that I had. I hadn't been. My father lived in Texas, and I hadn't been to Texas since I was about three. But I was obsessed. I had a Dallas Cowboys belt buckle. I would wear, like, you know, flower T shirts, you know, like Graham Parsons or something like that. I mean, this is about 1977. I was very into that. I only listened to Willie Nelson's the Red Headed Stranger. My room was covered with cowboys and Broncos and Indians, and, like, anything Texas was up my alley. And he met me and he's like, why? What's all the Texas stuff? You know? He's like, well, you know, my dad lives in Texas. Well, he ain't here, is he? I'm like, no. He's like, well, I think I'd get over the Texas thing if I were you. I'd be like, yeah, that really hurt my feelings. And he proceeded to, like, latch into this thing, like, so what are you, Mama's boy cowboy's lost today? Did your dad call? No, Right? He's a very tough guy. Very tough guy. And through a little bit of what my mother felt was kind of abusive behavior, I grew to love him, right? I mean, I hated him, but I loved him. I thought about him all the time and what he would think about something. And like, for example, he decided that since I was so into football. But you don't know how to play football, you know? Did your dad teach you to play football? No, I don't think he did, did he? All right, come on, let's play football. No, I'm not looking for the pity thing. It was really pretty funny. I mean, he was a funny guy. He was trying to help me in his own weird way. So he takes me outside. He takes me outside and he says, all right, I'm going to teach you how to play football, all right? But football is a man's game. It's not a mama's boy's game, all right? You make a diamond with your hands, your thumb to your four fingers, and if you can touch it, you can catch it. So I'm like, all right, Bam. You know? And I. And he's like, you still with me? You still want to play football, huh? I'm like, yeah, I want to play football. He's like, all right, if you can touch it, you can catch it. Bam. You know? And it just went on, I mean, until it was freezing outside and my nose is bleeding and I'm crying and I want to go inside. And he's like, you know, you gotta catch this football. So finally I catch it, like three times. He's like, all right, see, you're not such a little mama's boy after all. And I feel kind of good about myself. I mean, you know, I mean, go figure, you know? So my mom really liked him and we moved to Vermont and he took us, and he moved us into this one bedroom, one. Not just a one room cabin in Vermont where he had this gig as a ski instructor. And. And it was really picturesque. And he really had it in his heart, like, to teach me how to be a man, you know, and we would. He taught me how to chop wood and he bought me a jeans jacket, and he would have my mom do, like, patches on the back, you know, and it was really very cool. And I started to feel very cool. He took me to see the man who would be king. And, you know, I cried at the end, which is. This is a digression. I'm going to regret doing this, but it's my favorite line. And since I have an audience, I have to tell you, it's like Sean Connery is standing on the burning bridge. And Michael Caine. The bridge is burning. He's going to die. And Michael Caine scouts out, you know, Peachy. Will you ever forgive Me for being so bleeding stupid and so bloody arrogant. And Sean Connery says, you know, that I can and that I do. Michael. And I sat there and I just cried. And he's just like, pull yourself together, man. You know, we got in the car, guys, a little MG and it's like freezing and I'm crying and he's like, come on. It was a good movie. It was sad, but it was, you know, you gotta, you know. I loved it too. I loved it too. But, like, from then on in my mind, like, Michael and I were, you know, Michael Caine and Sean Connery on adventures and things, and we had them, you know, I mean, I had to walk. I mean, it's really kind of picturesque. I had to walk like two miles to school. And I was only in second grade and it was very fun. He insisted that I do it, you know, by myself. And my mother had a lot of problems with him. Like, when my mother would go. She had to go out of town a couple times, and he would take me on dates with other women. And like, if you tell your mother, I'm gonna kick your ass. And. But I thought it was great. I mean, again, you keep being judgmental. And I was like, this guy is so cool. And I remember I rolled joints for him, for this other girl. I have this vague memory of it. And finally, my most pivotal memory of him, aside from the closing of my story, is we had this little one room cabin. It was really, really idyllic snow and Vermont and all sorts of stuff. And. And Michael, we're out on this little deck outside of it. And Michael's like, see that? Look at that buck. Look at that buck. Get the shotgun, Ethan, get the shotgun. You know, And I'm like, what for? He's like, we're gonna kill it. I'm like, mom, Michael's gonna kill a buck. Michael's gonna kill a buck. Michael goes, you. I was gonna let you shoot it. You blew it, you know? And I didn't know how I felt because I didn't want to shoot it. But now I felt like I should have wanted to shoot it. And like, I don't know, I felt very strange. Doesn't exactly make sense, but you can understand the subconscious very influenced. And so finally one day I come walking home from school, this little cabin, and all my mother's underwear and lingerie, kind of like things are nailed to the outside of the house, right? This is a true story. All right? And I'm like, wow, that's weird, you know, and inside there's like, you know, and you know, we basically get in a car and we're gone and we move to Atlanta, Georgia. And you know, I don't know any more about what happened there than you do. I mean, lingerie fighting, I can guess, you know, but I never asked my mom. My mom has a lot of issues, but that's not. This is Michael's ode. And so anyway, we moved to Atlanta, Georgia and what happens is my father gets remarried and for some reason, to my now 8 year old mind, this is very disturbing. I'm not invited to the wedding and I'm very upset about this and it's kind of throwing my whole Texas fantasy scheme apart. And I get. But I'm in this like weird school in Atlanta, Georgia and I actually get accepted to this little gifted and talented program like for an eight year old, right? And I go to. And I get kicked out on the second day because I told some kid that his painting sucked, right? Or the teacher. I didn't get kicked out right away. I had to write a one page essay about why I would, you know, about. I was supposed to write about why saying somebody's painting sucked was a bad thing. And I wrote in my essay that I didn't know that it was something bad because my mother goes out with lots of guys and the, the last one that she dated told me I sucked all the time. And I didn't think it was that big a deal. Now that sounds like. The truth is I knew exactly what I was doing. It wasn't like I was trying to make my mom look bad in front of the teachers to deflect me being in trouble. My mom was so angry at me, she got this call from this teacher and she hangs up with me, you little shit. I don't date lots of guys. And Michael didn't say you sucked. Yes, he did. All right, he did, but you know, like blah, blah. And anyway, the point is then I got in a fight and I got kicked out of this gifted and talented thing. It was like a big deal. And my father's getting remarried and they send me to a child psychologist and my mom comes up with this idea that she's going to invite Michael to come to my birthday. Like that. I could really use this, right? But I don't know about this, but. So my birthday arrives and we're living in Atlanta, Georgia now. And who comes down the street in a little MG with the golden retriever right in the side thing and his hair and his beard, he's got the, you know, thing and A bunch of presents in the back comes pulling up. And it was really one of the greatest moments of my life. I mean, I was so happy to see him. And I had all these boys come over for my birthday party. And Michael took turns taking us around the block. And he would, like, peel out, fishtail around the thing, and my mother would be screaming, michael. And all the boys would be like, your dad is so cool. And I'd be like, I know, I know. He's so cool. And it was really one of those glorious days. Michael took us all to Chuck E. Cheese's, and we went to see George Burns, and. Oh, God. And, like. And everybody was just so into Michael. And I, by, you know, association was a very studly guy. And so then it's. The night's over and Michael's gonna leave, you know, Michael says goodbye, and I say, all right, see you later. And he starts to go. And I go to my room, and I start sobbing, right? And. And. And so my mother comes in. It's like, what are you crying about? I'm just like, nothing, nothing. You know, I just. I wish Michael was gonna stay longer, you know. And she's like, all right. And she goes outside. And so Michael comes into my room, and I'm devastated because as much as I would like and everything for him to talk to me and everything, I am so upset, you know, And I really don't want him to see me like this, you know? And he tells me that, you know, he's, you know, he's gonna stay in touch with me and that. Don't worry, you know, my mom's a pain in the ass. We all know that. But I'm gonna stay in touch with you. You're a great kid, you know, and he might even told me he loved me. I mean, he was really being really nice. I mean, he drove from Vermont to Georgia for a day, and. And so. So. And then he leaves. And, you know, like, I watch him drive away. It's like, night now. And I watch the MG and the Golden Retriever, like, take off. And my mom comes back in the house. I hear it, and I just scream out the room like, I am never going to speak to you again. You know, I felt so betrayed by her because if Michael was going to leave, I wanted him to think I didn't care, you know, and he. And I never saw him again, you know, And I got a message. My mother got a message about two or three years ago or something that she Googled Michael Marquis. No, she didn't. That she had heard from him and that like he saw some movie I did and thought that I was doing really great and really meant a lot to me because, you know, nobody I know knows him, but I carry him with me every day and he's been the secret influence of my life. Thank you.