Podcast Summary: The Moth – "Frank D'Amico: First Kill"

Episode Details:

• Title: First Kill
• Host/Author: The Moth
• Guest Storyteller: Frank D'Amico
• Release Date: June 22, 2009
• Recorded At: The Moth Mainstage
• Theme: Man and Beast

Introduction

In the episode titled "First Kill," Frank D'Amico shares a poignant and intense personal story about his tumultuous relationship with his father and his harrowing experience during his first deer hunt. Recorded live at The Moth Mainstage, Frank's narrative delves deep into themes of masculinity, expectation, and the profound impact of familial relationships.

Background and Relationship with His Father

Frank begins by setting the stage of his tumultuous upbringing. Raised in various children's and foster homes, he eventually moves in with his father, Tony D'Amico, at the age of 15. Frank describes his father as a quintessential "macho man"—outdoorsy, football-obsessed, and a local legend in hunting and fishing within Dutchess County.

[02:50] Frank D'Amico: "He was a bit of a hard hat wearing, nut scratching, football watching, beer guzzling, kind of outdoorsy, macho man..."

Frank had little prior relationship with his father, making the transition challenging. His father’s decision to involve him in deer hunting was an attempt to bond and instill traditional masculine values, especially as Frank diverged from these norms by pursuing interests like ballet and taking home economics—a first for his high school.

The First Hunting Expedition

Frank recounts the night before deer hunting season, where his father insists it’s time for him to earn his hunting license and make his first kill. The experience is fraught with tension and fear as Frank grapples with handling a loaded shotgun with minimal instruction.

[02:50] Frank D'Amico: "...he dropped a loaded 12 gauge shotgun on me and told me to shoot the fucking thing."

Overwhelmed and anxious, Frank contemplates the gravity of the situation, fearing both the weapon and the implications of failing his father's expectations. After a tense moment of hesitation, prompted by his father's insistence, Frank fires the gun, resulting in a horrific accident where the shotgun's kick injures him.

[05:00] Frank D'Amico: "And with that I pressed my eyes shut and pulled the trigger and fired. Kabloom. Moments later, I was getting myself up off the ground, my balls up in my belly and blood trickling down my face."

Despite the accident, Frank fails to hit the target, leading to further disappointment from his father, who harshly criticizes him.

[07:35] Frank D'Amico: "My father said, you're one load of baby batter I should have shot down the toilet."

The Hunting Day

Undeterred by the initial failure, Frank’s father takes him into the woods for the first day of deer hunting season. The early morning is freezing and dark, heightening Frank's nerves about the upcoming hunt.

[09:15] Frank D'Amico: "5:30 in the morning, pitch black, freezing cold, November morning."

As they trek deeper into the woods, Frank begins to observe signs of deer activity, such as fresh deer droppings, which his father uses to track potential deer locations. Despite his discomfort and apprehension, Frank becomes inadvertently immersed in the experience.

[12:45] Frank D'Amico: "I am spraying myself in buck at 5:30 in a freezing cold November morning... giving myself a golden shower with buck piss."

A Profound Encounter

As the day progresses, Frank experiences a serene and almost spiritual moment when a majestic deer approaches him. This peaceful encounter starkly contrasts with the inherent violence of hunting, leading to an internal conflict.

[14:20] Frank D'Amico: "I felt like I am indirectly meeting God."

The unexpected beauty and tranquility of the deer momentarily dissolve Frank’s apprehensions, allowing him to connect deeply with nature. However, this moment is abruptly shattered when another deer appears, and his father, in pursuit, ultimately shoots it.

[16:00] Frank D'Amico: "Then I looked up at my father. My father was gleaming, glowing with pride."

The aftermath of the kill leaves Frank grappling with mixed emotions—pride for his father and discomfort with the violence he was compelled to participate in. This event cements a complicated dynamic in their relationship, where Frank’s achievements often bring pride to his father but personal fulfillment remains elusive.

Reflection and Relationship Dynamics

Frank concludes his story by reflecting on how his father's expectations and the hunting experience shaped their relationship. He highlights a recurring pattern where his father's proud moments often coincide with his own personal struggles, leading to a strained and challenging familial bond.

[16:30] Frank D'Amico: "The proudest moments for my father would end up being usually very devastating for me and my proudest moments would usually be very embarrassing for him."

This poignant realization underscores the enduring impact of their interactions and the complexities of seeking approval within familial relationships.

Conclusion

Frank D'Amico's "First Kill" is a heartfelt exploration of identity, expectation, and the quest for acceptance. Through vivid storytelling, Frank captures the emotional turmoil of a young man navigating his father's rigid ideals while striving to forge his own path. The narrative serves as a reflection on the broader themes of masculinity, familial pressure, and the search for personal meaning amidst imposed traditions.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Handling the Shotgun:

  • Frank D'Amico [02:50]: "He dropped a loaded 12 gauge shotgun on me and told me to shoot the fucking thing."

• Post-Accident Reflection:

  • Frank D'Amico [05:00]: "Kabloom. Moments later, I was getting myself up off the ground, my balls up in my belly and blood trickling down my face."

• Father’s Criticism:

  • Frank D'Amico [07:35]: "My father said, you're one load of baby batter I should have shot down the toilet."

• Serene Encounter with Deer:

  • Frank D'Amico [14:20]: "I felt like I am indirectly meeting God."

• Complex Relationship Dynamics:

  • Frank D'Amico [16:30]: "The proudest moments for my father would end up being usually very devastating for me and my proudest moments would usually be very embarrassing for him."

Final Thoughts

Frank D'Amico's storytelling in "First Kill" is a masterful blend of humor, tragedy, and introspection. By sharing his vulnerable experiences, Frank invites listeners to reflect on their own relationships and the often unspoken expectations that shape them. This narrative not only entertains but also resonates on a deeply personal level, exemplifying The Moth’s mission to highlight genuine human experiences through the art of storytelling.