Greg Behrendt: She’s Just Not That Into Me

Summary

Podcast Summary: Greg Behrendt: “She’s Just Not That Into Me”

Episode: Greg Behrendt: She’s Just Not That Into Me
Host: Dan Kennedy
Podcast: The Moth
Release Date: April 20, 2009

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Introduction

In this episode of The Moth, comedian and author Greg Behrendt shares a deeply personal story that inspired his bestselling book, He’s Just Not That Into You. Hosted by Dan Kennedy, the session delves into Greg's tumultuous relationship with actress Jeanine Garofalo, offering listeners an intimate look at love, self-awareness, and personal growth.

Background

Greg Behrendt introduces himself as the co-author of He’s Just Not That Into You, a book that demystifies the complexities of modern relationships from a man's perspective. He establishes his credibility by acknowledging his own experiences on both sides of the romantic equation:

“I have been on the bad side of a relationship. I have put all my eggs in a basket that weren't there and then the eggs smash and fall on the floor.”
(01:50)

Falling for Jeanine Garofalo

Greg recounts the moment he fell for Jeanine Garofalo during one of her stage performances. His immediate reaction leads him to impulsively create a mixtape, symbolizing his intense infatuation:

“I revved two blocks from the comedy club and I bolted back and said, 'fucking mixtape. Get it going.'”
(04:10)

He humorously critiques his own romantic gestures, highlighting the often misguided attempts to capture someone's interest:

“Don't act like, oh, I worked on this. You can download all this mixtape on the floor. Cassettes, maybe a turntable. Don't bump that shit.”
(05:05)

Attempting to Be "Cool"

Greg illustrates his attempts to align himself with what he perceived as cool, inspired by Jeanine's persona. He describes drastic changes in his appearance and lifestyle in a bid to win her over:

“I wore a patchouli oil for a while. That's grew my hair out a little bit. Was fond of a backpack, got a tattoo, wore a couple of bracelets.”
(07:45)

His self-awareness surfaces as he compares himself unfavorably to cultural icons, emphasizing the pressure to fit a certain image:

“If Kurt Cobain was the male voice of Generation X, certainly Jeanine was the female voice.”
(08:30)

Relationship Deterioration and Moment of Clarity

As the relationship falters, Greg's frustrations mount. His attempts to reconcile lead to a pivotal moment during a failed phone call:

“I'm so fucked up. I can't say her name. I'm like, I can't fucking make it happen.”
(10:15)

This unsuccessful outreach becomes a catalyst for introspection. Greg experiences a "moment of clarity," realizing that his love was more about the idea of Jeanine rather than the person herself:

“I really wasn't. I was in love with the idea of Jeanine. I was in love with being cool. I wanted to be cool.”
(11:20)

Embracing Authenticity and Finding Happiness

Accepting his true self marks Greg's transformation. He embraces his identity, shedding the facade he once wore to impress Jeanine:

“I gotta be me. That's what I liked about Jeanine. Jeanine was Jeanine fucking warts and all, that's who Jeanine is.”
(11:50)

This acceptance leads to genuine happiness and the formation of meaningful relationships. Greg concludes his story by introducing his wife, Amira Largent, highlighting the fulfillment that comes from authenticity:

“And then that dawned on me. Maybe that's where I'm headed... that woman became my wife.”
(12:05)

Conclusion

Greg Behrendt's story is a candid exploration of the pitfalls of trying to mold oneself to fit another's expectations. Through humor and honesty, he conveys the importance of self-acceptance and the journey toward finding love that aligns with one's true identity. This narrative not only complements his work in He’s Just Not That Into You but also serves as a testament to personal growth and the transformative power of introspection.

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Notable Quotes:

• On Personal Experience:
  “I have been on the bad side of a relationship. I have put all my eggs in a basket that weren't there and then the eggs smash and fall on the floor.”
  (01:50)

• On Making a Mixtape:
  “fucking mixtape. Get it going.”
  (04:10)

• On Attempting to Be Cool:
  “Don't act like, oh, I worked on this. You can download all this mixtape on the floor.”
  (05:05)

• On His Moment of Clarity:
  “I really wasn't. I was in love with the idea of Jeanine. I was in love with being cool.”
  (11:20)

Key Takeaways

• Authenticity Over Facade: Greg's journey underscores the importance of being true to oneself rather than conforming to perceived standards of "coolness."

• Self-Reflection Leads to Growth: The failed romantic pursuit becomes a turning point for Greg, prompting deep self-reflection and personal development.

• Genuine Relationships Stem from Self-Acceptance: Embracing his true identity paved the way for meaningful and fulfilling relationships, exemplified by his marriage to Amira Largent.

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This episode of The Moth offers listeners a heartfelt and relatable narrative on love, failure, and the ultimate triumph of self-acceptance. Greg Behrendt's storytelling not only entertains but also imparts valuable life lessons on navigating relationships with honesty and integrity.

Transcript

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[Dan Kennedy]

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. The Moth features true stories told live without notes. All stories on the podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York and Los Angeles and from our tour shows across the country. Visit themoth.org the story you're about to hear by Greg Barent was recorded live at the moth mainstage in 2005. The theme of the night was out on a Limb.

[Greg Barent]

How is everybody tonight? I have never told this story to a group of people, and I've only told the story a few times to friends, but it's always interrupted as a conversation. I'm hoping that we can, as a group, promise to keep this private because I'm going to open up a little bit here. And here we go. People have asked me. I am the author, co author rather, of a book called He's Just not that into youo. And people have asked me, you know, why did you. How did you. Why do you get to write the book? Why are you that guy? And I have said, because I'm a guy. So I know what it's like from a guy's perspective of when guys are giving excuses and so I can identify them and blah, blah, blah. Neat trick. What I don't tell them is I'm also almost every girl in the book. I have been on the bad side of a relationship. I have put all my eggs in a basket that weren't there and then the eggs smash and fall on the floor. I have been the person who has loved somebody, who has told them I'm not interested and stayed with it for a while. So I want to tell you that story now. I fell in love with Jeanine Garofalo the first time I saw her on stage. I enjoyed her so much that I left immediately and went back to my house to make a mixtape. Immediately. I revved two blocks from the comedy club and I bolted back and said, fucking mixtape. Get it going. Sure, sign that you fucking lost it for somebody. Generally you get to know them or talk to them first. But so. And here's the thing too, by the way, a mix cd. Not the same fucking deal, people. So don't act like, oh, I worked on this. You can download all this mixtape on the floor. Cassettes, maybe a turntable. Don't bump that shit. Fuck, I forgot it went too long. Played into the other song. A lot of fucking work. Okay. Different time, gotta craft it right. First five songs, key. Otherwise you're out of the game. First five songs, incredibly key, you know, the first song clearly is the song that says, this is who I am as a song. You know what I mean? Here's the embodiment of me as a song. So for me, you know Ace of Spades by Motorhead. Second song, the change up, the wonder of me. Look at how different I am in the next moment. Maybe some jazz. Third song says, hey, I'm also listening to pop radio. Something fun from pop radio. And then the fifth song would be the song where you put your heart on your sleeve. No, do it. Fourth fucking don't. Because they may not get to five. Put it at four. A can to be by the Replacements. In any event, I. And you have to understand at the time, and probably still to this day, I was not the only person in my peer group in love with Janine Garofalo. And I believe today there still exists a group, a self help group where guys get together and they talk about that love. Now, Jeanine and I in fact did eventually, at some point, get together. Very clear on Janine's part. Like you dating. Not interested very much. But I just fucking went full hog into it. I just said, you know what, man? No, I'm gonna show you. I'm the guy. I'm your counterpart. I'm your. I'm your number. I'm the other. I'm the second half of our thing. You complete me. I'm gonna. You. I'm giving you something. Please give it back. To me. And she kept saying, I don't know that I can't. No, you can give it back to me. Was the vibe that I put into the relationship. So let me be clear about this. It was known from up front that that was not going to be the case. In any case, when you have that kind of disparity in a relationship, certainly the other person begins to drift a bit from your freakiness. No, also, at the time that I began to change a little bit, I also began to. I wore a patchouli oil for a while. That's grew my hair out a little bit. Was fond of a backpack, got a tattoo, wore a couple of bracelets. Whoa. Is that a weird jock version of Jeanine Garofalo? What is that? Where are you going? And I may be overstating the case, but it is my belief that at the time, if Kurt Cobain was the male voice of Generation X, certainly Jeanine was the female voice. However, it was that she did what she did. We all wanted it. We all dug it. She was that person in the moment. It was almost indescribable. You would see her on stage, you couldn't even come out and tell why you liked it so much. You're like, I don't fucking know. I just love it. I want to be it. And then that dawned on me. Maybe that's where I'm headed. So the relationship begins to deteriorate as these things do. And certainly another fellow probably comes into the scene because I'm hard to be with. And I'm also knocking them back a lot. And so I'm bloaty, which is hot. I've got mantits and extra neck, and it's really delicious. And Janine, who had come to live at the house that I was at and then sort of became my roommate, decided, you know, maybe I go live in a hotel while she's making a movie. Now, it's one thing when somebody goes to the couch. It's another thing when they go to another building. Maybe the foundation of the relationship has cracks. And she begins, I believe, to fall for somebody else. And I'm realizing this, and I'm falling. And I'm playing in a band, and it's not good. And they're gonna. And then they kick me out, but they can't deal with me, so they break up the band and reform without me. It's not. But I'm in a band, which I think is cool. Doesn't that work? And I'm in a. And I'm Drinking, which is cool. Isn't it cool? How come I don't look like Keith Richards when I get up, but I don't. I look like a fat me. That's not what I'm with. Long. And I got. I get ringlets when my hair gets long and it also thins out. It's bad. I look like a lamb. Finally, I realized that the relationship has got to come to an end. And I've got to make a dramatic move. Not a move. Now, I am a fan. Was at the time, very much a fan of drama. And I thought, well, that's how you get somebody back. That's how they do it in a movie. You know what I mean? They stand on the lawn with a boombox and they show their love. If I make a gesture like that, which is neat. But in reality, that guy in the real world, he gets arrested. Like, he doesn't. So I figured the only thing I can do to get her back is to break up with her. Now it's the last cry of a desperate person. And I go to where she is and I say, janine, it's over. And she says, okay, in a nicer way than that. And then I said, take me back. So now she has to move to New York, and I still have hope. And the thing that I can tell you is when you drink tequila, you get information. Information that needs to get to somebody quickly, without thought or without hope or without care about that other person. When you have been out and you've had shots of tequila, suddenly you have a story or an idea or a possibility that you need to share with somebody. So one night I called Janine. She's living in the Paramount Hotel before she moves into her place. And I call her there. It's like 2:00, Louisiana time, which so very thoughtful for me. 5:00. And I get the guy at the Paramount Hotel. Paramount Hotel, how can I help you? And I'm so fucked up. I can't say her name. I'm like, I can't fucking make it happen. I might as well just started barking. I couldn't get it to happen. So the guy says to me, would you like to try and spell it? And I have no dignity left. I go, what the fuck? And I can't even get it right. Fortunately, there's a headshot in my room. Whoa. A headshot? Is that how well you know her? So I get the name out, and the guy understands who I want to talk to. And he says to me, right before he puts me through hey, bro, are you sure you want to make this call? And I had a fucking. A moment of clarity. Like, I got it. Like, I'm like, no, fuck, I don't want to make this call. I've made this call before. And she has been incredibly kind to me when I've made this call. It's sad and it's pathetic and it's not what I want to do. And I hung up the phone and then I passed out. And the next day I thought, wouldn't it be great if you were in a breakup or were a person prone to bad phone calls if you could have on your phone from like 6pm to 6am A bro operator, just a dude to talk you off the ledge and then just put you through to pizza. And in the ensuing days after that, I had a good long look. It was a moment. It was like my moment of. It was my white light. It was my moment of clarity. And I started thinking, what is it about this person? They've said no. What am I in love with? Why I. Why I want? And what it was is I really wasn't. And I. Not to diminish her at all, but I wasn't in love with Jeanine. I was in love with the idea of Jeanine. I was in love with being cool. I wanted to be cool. Janine was fucking the epitome of cool. Being in a band was being cool. Fucking drinking was cool. And it wasn't working for me fucking at all. I was fat and broken hearted and sad and would fucking lay on my bed and listen to, you know, the Smashing Pumpkins and weep. I mean, I still do that, but I'm sober when I do it and I enjoy it. And I had to take a really close look, man. I had to really like, take a look and go, what? What the fuck is it, man? What do I gotta do? I gotta be me. That's what I liked about Jeanine. Jeanine was Jeanine fucking warts and all, that's who Jeanine is. And I started thinking, well, I'm not like Jeanine. I like 80s metal, man. I'm a guy that likes to fucking. I'm a guy that hates sports and likes to fucking decorate. I'm not cool. I'm really fucking uncool. I'm the uncoolest guy that I know. And the first time I said that on stage, I fucking went, oh, hello me. And the great thing about it was when I became this uncool person that I am, I became incredibly happy. And then I moved in and I had a house with David Cross and we threw a party and Jeanine came and it was cool and she came with this girl and this woman's name was Amira Largent and that woman became my wife.

[Dan Kennedy]

Greg Baron is a stand up comedian, the co author of He's Just not that into youo and the leader of the surf ska band the Rainy. The Moth is a non profit organization. Consider supporting our free podcast by going to our podcast contribution page or by becoming a moth [e-mail] you can also buy moth stories on CD including today's story which is featured on the Best Love Hurts Stories. Our podcast host, Dan Kennedy is the author of the recently published book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn [e-mail] he is also the author.

[Greg Barent]

Of Loser Goes First.

[Dan Kennedy]

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