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- [00:00]
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- [01:09]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. This week we bring you two slam stories. And for those of you that don't know our story, Slams are the open mic storytelling competitions we do in New York, Los Angeles, Chicago and Detroit. The first story you're about to hear by James Foster was recorded live in Detroit in 2009. The theme of the night was cars.
- [01:37]
James Foster
Good evening everyone. Thank you. My story has to do with a 1996 Grand Marquis Mercury that I that I picked up from my father when he bought a new car. I got it when my daughter was in high school so that I could have a second car to get her to and from school. And we had a brief relationship. I got this car about five years ago and it was pretty reliable. But the main part of the story has to do with the time that I got the car stolen and how I got the car stolen. I live in Detroit. I've been a lifelong Detroit resident. I'm a third generation Detroiter. I'm not easily bamboozled. I'm not easily scammed. I've seen panhandlers and people trying to get you at the gas station for a couple of bucks. But this guy was good. This guy was real good. He got me. I'm loading tools in the car to go over my dad's to do a little work. Guy comes up and says, can you help me? And I right away say, no, no, can't Help you? I've got a couple bucks. I just need you to give me a ride over to get my car a jump. Now, most of the time, people are trying to scam you. They don't have $2 in their hand offering it to you. So I listened. He said, his van broke down. He's just around the corner on the freeway off the lodge. He just needs a jump. Give me a couple. I said, oh, okay. Maybe this time I'll do the guy a favor. So he gets in the car with me. You drive around. There's actually a van there. So, okay, the stories make a little bit more sense. The hood's up on the van. I say, okay, I've got jumper cables. I figure, you know, 30 seconds, I'm going on with my life, raise the hood on my car. He gets in the van. He fools around. Nothing's happening with the van, even with the cables on it. So we're sitting there for a while trying to get the car started. Finally, he says, you try to start the van. I'll tinker under the hood while you try to start the van. Cause I know the van. I should be able to start it. I'm a little leery, but, you know, the hood's up in my car. It's got jumper cables on it. You know, I figured what could happen. So we're on a large service drive. I'm trying to, you know, turn the key in the van. And as I look down, it's not really a key, it's a screwdriver in the ignition of the van. Yeah, a little suspicious, but, you know, he offered me a couple dollars. So then he gets very concerned. He says, these people sure are flying up the service drive. Maybe you better pull your car off to the side while, you know, while we try to figure out what's wrong with the van. So he says, I'll take the. You take the cables off, and I'll move your car. Now the hood's up on. The hood's up on the car. I'm outside the car. I say, okay. I take the cables off. I see my car going northbound on the lodge service drive with the hood up. With the hood up, he makes it all the way to the forest entrance to the lodge. Freeway stops, puts the hood down. Gone. Now the police do recover the car a few weeks later, minus the catalytic converter, the aluminum wheels, even take the visors off from, you know, to block the sun. But I got the last laugh, thanks to President Obama and cash for clunkers. I traded it in got the 4500 and got a new car. So it all worked out.
- [06:03]
Dan Kennedy
James Foster was born and raised in Detroit. He still lives in the city's Woodbridge neighborhood with his wife, Maria. Both of their daughters are pursuing higher education. He enjoys playing trivia at the local pub, golf, travel, watching sports and playing Scrabble, Although he hates himself for the Metro Times just anointed the Detroit story Slam quote. The best reason to wait in line. And we think that's pretty awesome. And we'd like to thank WDET as our continued media partner there. This next story by Kathleen Miller was recorded live at a New York City Grand Slam in 2010. The theme of the night was Point of no Return.
- [06:50]
Kathleen Miller
Hi. All right. I am a military brat. So I moved a lot. A lot. Exotic locales like Germany and Missouri and Pennsylvania. So When I was 4 or 5, my birthday's in November. So I was one of those kids where they try to figure out if you're ready for kindergarten. So they tested me and they said not only was I ready for kindergarten, but they were sending me directly to the first grade. And I was super proud. And I checked with my mom, mom, so I'm a genius now. She was like, no, you know your ABCs and your name, honey, and it's Maryland. And they have really low standards. So halfway through the year, we moved to Florida. And they're much more military. They're like, we don't skip kids and grades in kindergarten. She's gonna have to go back. So I did the first half of the year in first grade. I went back and did half a year of kindergarten and then ended up back to start out first grade, at which point they recommend skipping me to third. And my mom says, no, now you're just confusing the kid. And I checked with her mom, so I'm a genius now. And she said, no, honey, it's Florida. It's even worse than Maryland. So the next year we moved to North Carolina and I was accepted into the advanced and gifted program. And now my mother couldn't tell me anything because that was three times. So I'm a genius. Doogie Howser came out that year. So I fully expected to finish Harvard by 12 and start being an OBGYN, delivering babies in emergency situations by 16. And then move on to my long term plan. Space veterinarian McCoy would handle the Vulcans. I would handle the puppies and the space pandas. I was psyched. So until I actually get to the advanced and gifted program, now AG is held behind the school because that's what you do with your best and brightest. You send them to trailers several times a week for a few hours to kind of have a conjugal visit with their brain. And it was entirely boys. And even though it was the 80s and, you know, women's lib had had, like, a good run so far, the boys in the great dismal swamp of North Carolina had not gotten the good word. So they were not thrilled with my presence. And I just didn't understand, why don't they like me? I love the periodic table and Buck Rogers, and I indulge in model rocketry, which is the sport of future astronauts. Just didn't get it. I couldn't get in with them, not with my Bloom county jokes, where I made jokes about Casper Weinberger, not on my thoughts on Robert Oppenheimer or my puns. And I did also excellent rock crystal experiments. My mom was bettering herself at the top of her class, getting her nursing degree, and I was home, rendering down all of her sugar into a saturated solution using the stove I wasn't supposed to touch. And what's great about that experiment is it ends in candy and it takes six weeks. So I had each week of it laid out in my room, and I was, like, ready. And I, like, you know, collated my delicious data on Fridays. It was excellent. So we went away to visit my grandparents for a week during her break, which wasn't the same as mine. I come back to the advanced and gifted trailers, and they've done a rock crystal experiment. So first off, I'm like, hey, science posers. That's my thing. And second, it was huge. In only a week, I had rock crystal envy. I'm like, it's enormous. And it's like this purple blue color. It's amazing. Mine were always pink. So it was some kind of kit that the teacher had ordered. And one of the other kids was like, oh, it's big because it's salt, not sugar. Now, here was my mistake. Sugar's edible. So sugar rock crystals are edible. Salt food. Right. So a salt rock crystal is also edible. Yeah. I had not noticed that salt is more than one thing. So I, you know, table salt, sodium chloride, perfectly fine. Put it on your food. There are other kinds of salt that are really not good for you. And sodium by itself is actually an explosive when exposed to water. So keep that in the noggin. So I was just amazed. And I tasted a little bit of it, which, it turns out is not an approved scientific method, just so you know. And it Tasted like licking a 9 volt battery. So I snagged some of it. Now, pranks were big in school that year, like cut downs and pranks. Humiliation is always like a perennial favorite of children. So I take it to the lunchroom with me and I slip it into four white, you know, cartons of white milk, which you can get for nothing because that's like in lunchroom trade currency. They're like pennies, like totally worthless. So I put some of this rock crystal in each one and then proceeded to try to get kids to drink it. And it's already undesirable, so some creepy nerd trying to get you to drink it, not making it more palatable. But I did learn that kids will eat just about anything for a quarter. So $1 later, I had four takers and they took their sips and they made a gross face. And it seemed to kind of work. The boys were actually surprised. Like they were kind of impressed. And so I walk away from this momentary social victory off to my like weekly music class where it's like a wooden block and people are arguing over it. Like, not a conjugal visit with your brain. And I'm waiting in my little class and all of a sudden the intercom comes on. Will Katie Miller report to Principal Britt's office? Now, I've only been to the principal for registration related issues, and this not seem registration related. I walk down the hallway and it's like a hallway in the Death Star, if the Death Star was carpeted in orange shag that matches that stuff that the custodian sprinkles when kids puke. And I had recently barfed in that very same hallway. But this feeling I was getting was even worse. And I go into the principal's office and I sit down and Mr. Britt, Principal Britt was a good old boy, but not the good kind. He was not a big fan of me being in the advancing gifted program either. And he wasn't really a big fan of integration or Title ix, but he was a legal guy. He was going to stick with it. And he turns to me and he says after a minute, do you know you just poisoned four children? I said, no. Do you know that they're in the hospital right now having their stomachs pumped? No. And I didn't even know you could do that. I didn't know that was a thing. And all of a sudden I thought that, like, not only have I done this, but I have to worry about that. And I think my mom is at her nursing shift vacuuming out some kid thinking what horrible monster did this? And I am so stupid. And they call her and she shows up and the look on her face when she goes in is horrible. And I'm just planning what I'm going to do in Shawshank. And you know, I'm going to train rats or something. And all of a sudden I hear her yelling, yelling at the principal. And she comes out and she grabs my arm. She takes me out. It was amazing. He had just wanted to teach me a lesson. Nobody went to the hospital. Kids had a stomach ache for a minute. No one had their stomach pumped. They were fine. And my mom was so diffused by her anger at him that not only did I not get in trouble, but she took me for ice cream and to see the Aristocats. That's not science, that's magic. Now they recalled that rock crystal kit because I'm not the only rock stupid genius out there. Oppenheimer, I'm looking in your direction.
- [13:57]
Dan Kennedy
Kathleen Miller graduated from Scheimer College, a great books school with a long tradition of turning weird kids into gutsy, awesome adults. You can see her portrait photography@kathleenandcamera.com She's a comedian by night and you can see her perform all over New York City. The Moth is a non profit organization, so consider supporting our free podcast by going to our podcast contribution page or by becoming a moth member@themoth.org Our podcast.
- [14:32]
Kathleen Miller
Host, Dan Kennedy is the author of the book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [14:41]
Dan Kennedy
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public@prx.org.