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- [00:00]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
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- [01:10]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. For those of you in Vermont mark your calendars, the Moth is coming to Burlington on Saturday, October 22nd. We're partnering with Vermont Public Radio and Peace International to present Building a Stories from Both Sides. For tickets and more information, go to themoth.org this podcast is brought to you by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 85,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature. For the Moth listeners, Audible is offering a free audiobook to give you a chance to try out their service. And you may want to consider listening to a book by some of our storytellers. Books such as the award winning Jonathan Franzen novel Freedom or Walter Mosley's novel When the Thrill Is Gone, or one of Neil Gaiman's novels. Select a book written and sometimes read by the Moth storytellers and available on Audible. To try Audible today and get a free audiobook of your choice, go go to audible.com themoth that's audible.com themoth this week's story by Jim Kren was told live at the Moth in Pittsburgh last year as part of American Shorts at wyep, presented in partnership with the new Hazlett Theater and City Live. The theme of the night was Nerves of Steel, Stories of Moxie and Mike.
- [02:44]
Jim Kren
I am proud to say that I was born and raised in Pittsburgh. I love this city. I love this city because of the people of the city, we have the greatest neighborhoods. The people that make up those neighborhoods are just so colorful. Right. It's interesting. You got north side, you got Southside, you got the neighborhood that I grew up in that I want to talk about tonight. The Strip district. Yes. I'm a little biased that I think. Yes. To me, that's just the most colorful neighborhood in the city. I think it's like the heart of the city. To me, the Strip district, it's like 12 blocks along the Allegheny River, Right. Where all the wholesale goes on. If you want, you know, seafood, you go to Woolies, right? You want toys, you go to Feinberg's. It's got everything there, everything you could imagine. And growing up there in the 60s and the 70s was just fascinating. We had a big family. Actually, we covered three of those 12 blocks. My grandmother had, like, eight kids. Great grandma had eight kids. And I was an only child, but I had a big family. I had, like, 16 cousins. You name it. It was a huge, huge family. We grew up in those three blocks. And my grandmother, who was a matriarchal figure of the family, she was a devout Catholic. I mean, heavy duty, you know, rosaries, holy cards, new saints, like, other people knew baseball players, you know. And part of the rite of passage in our family was my mom and my grandma. My grandma wanted every male to be an altar boy. Yeah, everybody had to be an altar boy because I think she secretly thought one of us in the family were going to fulfill her dream to become a priest. She wanted a priest. She was 0 for 16. I mean, everyone tried. You know, Uncle Johnny, Uncle Ed, Cousin Joey, Uncle Yossel. I have an Uncle Yossel. He almost made it. He actually had papers for seminary school, but he didn't do it. So at nine years old, it was my turn to be an altar boy. And I was like, her last hope. This was big for her. So I'll never forget the day now to become an altar boy, you have to go through, like, a dress rehearsal. I didn't know this at the time. Like, we lived on 12, 13th and 14th street, and 14th street was where St. Patrick's Chapel was. And that's where I was going to have my first Mass. The entire family was going to be there and the entire neighborhood. So I was excited. So you have to have, like, a little dress rehearsal before you become an altar boy, because there's things to do. So I'll never forget that day. Then my grandmother and my mom brought me into church for my rehearsal to be an Altar boy, nine years old. Very shy, by the way. Painfully shy. So shy. Other kids wanted to be like a policeman or a fireman. I wanted to be a mime. We played hide and seek. Hide was my thing. I love that. Painfully shy. So being out in front of people was going to be, you know, unbelievable. For me, as an altar boy, nine years old, this is traumatic. So there we go. We walked into St. Patrick's and I remember standing. I'm in the back of the church and I walk in, there's my mom, there's Grandma, and on the altar waiting for me is our priest there. It's Father Galvin. Nice guy. To describe him, he was about 5ft tall. He looked like Andy Warhol, but like a chubbier version, like the Wire Room glasses, Andy Warhol hair, that kind of thing. Not intimidating. He was only five feet. I was what, three and a half? So not too bad. And there are none to his right. To my left, Sister Mary Charles Bronson. Not her name. It's really Sister Annunziata, but we called her Sister Mary Charles Bronson. For years. She looked just like Charles Bronson. I swear to God. I mean, I'm talking like, little mustache, you know, I mean, that Bronson face, you know, that. I mean, I'm Mr. Majestic Charles Bronson. Death Wish Charles Brunson, you know, And Eddie Rue was the church manager. And there he was, about 4ft tall, crew cut, piercing blue eyes. My best buddy at the time and still one of my best buddies today. All star altar boy and my partner, Ken Ol Densky. That's right. Altar boys, you go in pairs, you have buddies. It's like Starski and Hutch or something. It's a pair. Kenny was my partner, and I was kind of relieved because I knew Kenny was a legend in the neighborhood already at 10, he's a year older than I, but he was an all star. He had like, 100 masses under his belt, 28 novenas, 14 funerals at 10. He used to brag about it, too, you know. You know, he told me too, jim, if you do a good job, Father will give you a quarter after Mass. So I'm excited about this, right? Even though I'm nervous, I'm afraid I'm like, you know, pay for prey. I'm in a quarter because in 1969, I gave you a lot of candy at Kramer's. You know, I could get you, like, you know, Milk Duds and Jujubes. A whole box each. I don't want to screw it up. There's A quarter involved here. Okay. So they're going through their introductions, everything. They're going through a whole thing of the Mass. There's a lot of stuff going on, but I'm following it. It's like, you know, okay, Jim, here, you'll ring the bell. I could do the bell. Any idiot can do the bell. I'm nine. I could do that. You'll light the candles before the mass and the wine and water. I'm going through the whole thing and I'm okay until Sister Annunziata hands me a booklet. And in this booklet was a prayer that for older Catholics, you'll know this. In 1969, there was actually a prayer that the altar boy had to speak with the priest in the middle of the Mass. He had to go back and forth with this prayer. Priest would say his part, altar boy says his part right in the middle of the Mass. I'm nine. Here's the weird part. As I'm looking through the prayer, right hand of God. The prayer was in Latin, right? I'm nine, I can barely speak English. This is Latin. And I remember, look, how am I going to do this prayer? Because Sister said you can't do it off the book. You have to memorize the prayer gem. I like two days to memorize this Latin prayer. At nine. I'm like freaking out the whole time, like, how am I going to get my quarter? How am I going to do this? You know, my life's flashing before my eyes and my whole nine years. So as everyone's leaving, you know, and Kenny, the all star altar boy, walks up to me and he says, this, this is Kenny. And this is a dead on impression of Kenny. For a few of you out there that know Kenny Ol Dansky, who's still my. One of my best buddies today, he actually walks up. He sounded like this at 10 and he sounds like this now, in his 50s. He walked up to me, Jimmy, I'll do the prayer, you do the bell, you do the candles. I got the prayer. I got you. I'm like, oh, thank you, Kenny. Thank you. Oh, this is awesome. I'm gonna get my quarter. Grandma's gonna think I'm gonna become a priest. Everything's gonna be happy. This is great. So now Kenny's gonna do prayers again. It's Sunday. Two days go by, it's time for the mass. Grandma lived on 14th street right next to the church, so I was able to walk over even at nine years old. It's a nice, safe neighborhood. I walk over to the church and everyone's going to come over. I'm going to get ready. So I'm there at like 9:30, a little early 1st Mass, you know, got to loosen up, you know, my little junior altar, you know, boy, old priest clothes there, you know, the little vestments they put on. So I'm getting the altar boy stuff on, little junior priest thing there and ready to go. And then Sister Annunziata walks in. And I'm thinking she's going to like, you know, wish me luck or something. She looks at me and goes, hey, Jim, how are you? Hey, Sister, how you doing? And I'll never forget this. She looked at me and said, jim, you heard the news, right? I go, what? She goes, ken sick. My same reaction, air escaped. Oh, no. Right after that, she said, you know the prayer, right? Of course. I looked at her and go, oh, yeah, I know the prayer. I lied to a nun, my first Mass. I thought, hey, I got confession. I'll learn that in two years. I'll cash that chip in. I'll cleanse my soul. I got time. I don't know to prayer. I don't know what to do. I look out, everybody's there, and the first three rows are my family. I'm telling, my grandma's in the front, Mom's there, dad, Uncle Ed, Uncle Yossel, everybody, they're there. I don't know the prayer. So I could do everything but that prayer. How am I going to. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how I'm going to get there. I have no idea what I'm going to do. So I go over the Father, and I'm ready to start the Mass. And Father Galvin goes, jim, you know the prayer, right? I said, yes, Father. I lied twice now to a priest in and on my first Mass, two lives. I don't know the prayer and I don't know what to do. But I figure I'll just wait. I'll do something. This is exactly what happened that morning. We rang the bell, we walked out. I'm out in front of all my family, beaming, Grandma smiling, going, there's my priest. I'm kneeling there. Father's there. Now, the mass is about 45 minutes long, okay? But the prayer is about 20, 25 minutes in, okay? And that went by like two minutes because, right. I don't know the prayer. The whole time, I'm sweating profusely and I'll never forget. I'm kneeling there. And it's time. Father starts his side of the prayer as I'm kneeling there. His side goes like this. As he has the book in front of him. The Bible's in front of him. I'm just watching a quarter float away, you know, his hands went up and it's exactly how he sounded. My same reaction. I'm like, he's good. I swear to God, I did this. I know Father Galvin's up in heaven LAUGHING because at 9 years old, kneeling there, sweating profusely in front of my grandmother, in front of everyone in the church, ladies and gentlemen, I decided to make up my own language. I looked out at everyone. I looked up at Father, and it went like this. I'll never forget the look on his little face. He was stunned. He looked like one of those cowboys in the movies when they're at the. You know, at the campfire and the arrow gets him in the back. That I'm just kneeling there, can't believe it. I'm still here. And his little hand starts to shake. And he's looking at the book. Cause he's looking at my part. He's looking at his part. He's looking at the people. Then he's looking at me. And I realized he thinks he screwed up. He continues, but not as confident. He actually went on with looking at me. I got more confident. We continue, and we end with a nice amen at the end. We went back and forth for four or five times. We just kept doing it. And we ended with a nice, you know, amen. Amen. We did. It was so amazing. Grandma's beaming, you know, and everybody's happy and everything's good, you know. And the Mass ends. And believe me, that Mass, I went in peace. I was so happy. And I went back in the sacristy, and I was taking off my junior priest clothes, and I'm so happy, you know, Eddie Rue, our church manager, walks up and says, Jim. Yeah? He says, father and Sister want to see you. I'm like, oh, no. I'm thinking they're going to go like, there's two tickets to Magic Godre. We need you to go. Your first Exorcism starts at 2. Jim, you know, you lied twice. We know it. I didn't know what to do. I'm like, oh, here we go again. You know, he's caught me. I know, I know. But, you know, at least I got through the mass, and I walked up to him and I said, hi, Father. Hi, Sister. I know you want to see me. And I'll never forget. Father smiled ear to ear, and he says, jim, yes, he goes. Great job. He reached in his pocket and he gave me a cord. I went to Kramer's Market and I got my Jujubes and I got my milk does. They were the sweetest I've ever had till this day. And until this day, you know what I realized back then at that moment? That was the first time that I became one of those Pittsburgh characters that I was talking about. I became a character and I get the honor of being a character every morning on the radio. I really love it. And you know, every once in a while I still make up my own language. As you know.
- [17:40]
Dan Kennedy
Jim Kren is a radio personality and comedian who has been working on WDVE radio in Pittsburgh for over two decades. Jim grew up in Pittsburgh's fabled Strip district. He's known for his characters and storytelling, mostly based on the Pittsburgh people and neighborhoods he loves. This podcast is brought to you by Audible.com, the Internet's leading provider of audiobooks with more than 85,000 downloadable titles across all types of literature and featuring audio versions of many New York Times bestsellers. To try Audible today and get a free audiobook of your choice, go to audible.com themoth and if you're looking for the latest news from the Moth, including information about our tour shows across the country, visit our recently redesigned website themoth.org.
- [18:33]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
Our podcast host, Dan Kennedy is the author of the book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [18:42]
Dan Kennedy
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make Public Radio more public@prx.org.