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- [00:00]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
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- [01:09]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. This episode of the Moth is brought to you by Carbonite Online Backup. Carbonite automatically backs up files on PCs and Macs before hard drive crashes, viruses, the theft, or other computer problems occur. In the event of a computer disaster, Carbonite helps restore photos, music, financial records and other important files. Carbonite comes with anytime, anywhere access to your files from any computer or via a free smartphone app. Unlimited backup for your PC or Mac is only $55 a year and that is just 15 cents a day. Try it for free for 15 days at carbonite.com use the offer code the moth and get two bonus months if you decide to buy. That's carbonite.com code themoth this week we bring you two Grand Slam winning stories from opposite coasts. Our Grand Slams, as you may know, feature winners of our Open Mic Story Slam competitions. The story you're about to hear by Margo Lightman was recorded live at a New York City Moth in November of 2010.
- [02:24]
Margo Lightman
Hi. So I had a giant growth spurt when I was in fourth grade. I grew six inches that year and ended the year at five foot six. Which means that I was five feet tall when I began fourth grade. Which means that in short, I was a giant child. Yet I still had all my baby teeth. So when I smiled I looked like a killer whale. It was a horrible I was kind of trapped in this grown up's body, but I was still a kid, and at the same time, I was very close. My best friend was this girl Amanda, who was very pretty and very tan and normal sized. And I needed to stick with Amanda so I wouldn't get in the freak category. I went to Amanda's house every day after school because my mom was home and her mom was not paying attention. She was busy running her bar mitzvah centerpiece, making business out of the garage. So at Amanda's house, we had two activities. One, we would practice our dance routine to Chaka Khan's I feel for you, which was very graphic, to say the least. It consisted a lot of this move. And the other activity was we worked on our demo. We were an aspiring rock group called the Jersey Girls, because we were from New Jersey and girls. And all of our songs had very sexual undertones that we didn't understand. One of the lyrics was one of our songs actually went, I want you inside of me. So there's that. This went on for a year. Every day after school, Chaka Khan, I want you inside of me. Then I go home. So eventually, we got a little bit bored. So by the end of fourth grade one day, we saw a commercial for a telephone dating service, which was the precursor to Internet dating. And Amanda turns to me and says, margot, you should set up a profile. After all, you're the actress. You're the talent in the group. And I was like, damn straight on the talent in the group. You're Garfunkel and I'm Simon. Okay? And she's like, let's set up the profile right now. So we wrote a script out, which I've memorized for you tonight. And I have to say this, I've had a lot of wonderful accomplishments and performances in my life. I've even made it on television. But to this day, this performance of my audio profile on the phone dating Service at age 12 is the single greatest performance of my entire career. And let me just say, I used a very sexy voice that I learned from a very awkward viewing of Octopussy with my parents. And this is how my audio profile went. It said, hi, I'm Margot. I'm 5 foot 6 and 125 pounds. I have long blond hair, blue eyes, and freckles. I'm an aspiring recording artist currently working on my demo on the weekends. I like to dance. My favorite song is currently Chaka Khan's I feel for you. So if you feel for me, leave me a message. And then we went and listened to about a dozen of other profiles of men we specified the age group, age 25 to 35, because I'm 12 and that makes sense. We start listening and I remember listening to one guy, Paul's audio profile very clearly. And it went. Hi, my name's Paul. I'm a 30 year old bank teller who likes to go to the beach on the weekends. I'm five feet tall. So if you think good things come in small packages, leave me a message. So I left Paul a message. One, because I really appreciate good copy. But two, Paul was a tiny grown up and I was a giant child. And I just felt like somewhere, somehow the two of us could come together and meet in the middle and just for one moment we could both feel normal. Because neither of us ever did. So I left him my profile. The next day after school, we go and we check my voicemail on the phone dating service. All charged to Amanda's mom's phone bill. And apparently Paul has an affinity for Chaka Khan too, because he left me a message back. So this goes on for weeks after school, I leave a message, he leaves a message back and forth every single day. No one's noticing. So then it comes to a point that Paul leaves me a message. Hi Marco, I'd love to talk to you one on one. Perhaps you can leave me your home phone number. So at this point I turn to Amanda, I say, I've got to get out. This has gone too far. I don't even know what the next step is. And as she goes, margo, you should do it. You should give him your own phone number. And I'll tell you why. Because Paul is rich. He's a bank teller, Margo. And then she says, and then she says to me, and if it's true love, he will wait. Paul will wait. So I called Paul, wrote a new script, took out my octopussy voice and left this message. Hi Paul, it's Margot. Sure, I'd love to talk one on one. You can call me tomorrow, not between the hours of 8 and 3, because I'll be working, I'm working on my demo and if you could call before 9, that would be great because I really like to watch elf. OK, thank you. And then I gave a tiny 30 year old bank tiller my parents home phone number so he could call me and date me and God knows what to me. And I left him the number. The next day at school, I'm freaking out, she's freaking out. I go home and I'm waiting for the call and the phone rings and my mother answers it and she Goes. She goes, hello, who's calling? Margot, it's Paul. No questions asked. I mean, and I take the phone and I want to say all these things and I pull it into the other room and I want to say I misunderstood and I'm tall and I don't feel like a kid and I hope you'll forgive me and maybe you'll wait a few years. And I take the phone and instead I go, hello? And he goes, hi, Margo, it's Paul. And I go, I'm 12 years old. And he goes, what? And I go, I'm 12 years old. He goes, you're 12 years old? I go, I'm 12 years old. He goes, you're 12 years Old? I go, I'm 12 Years Old. It was like a bizarre experiment in the Meisner technique. And then he says, well, goodbye then. And he broke up with me in that moment, which is fine because it rapidly became a bizarro, you know, To Catch a predator, where giant 12 year old girls prey on aging, insecure 30 year old bank tellers. So I just want to say I'm really sorry, Paul. Thank you.
- [09:18]
Dan Kennedy
Margo Lightman is a comedian and writer who just completed her first book, Escape from Jersey. She's the co host of Stripped Stories at the UCB Theater. Now in its fourth year, Margot's most prized accomplishment remains winning $1,664 on the price is Right. For more information, check out Margolightman.com the second story this week is by Vicki Kelleher and it was recorded live at a moth grand slam in Los Angeles in October 2009. The theme of the night was transformation.
- [09:55]
Vicki Kelleher
Hi, how's everybody doing? So my story tonight is an upbeat tale about the night my dad died. Hold on. It's going to be so funny. It's not. So what happened was I got a call from my sister. I live in LA and I'm from Minnesota. And I got a call that my dad had taken a turn for the worse and I needed to get home right away. So I wasn't really ready for that. I didn't know there was a worse turn. I wasn't ready. So I get on the plane and I don't remember the plane ride so much, but I remember when I got off there was a guy in one of those beepee cart things with a sign with my name on it. And I thought, oh no, that can't be good news. I was so freaked out. I thought maybe he'd already died. But all of my energy went into do I tip this guy. Does he get tips? I don't know. I've never had a BB cart guy take me to the luggage area. So the whole ride I'm just like, I don't know. Do I have any cash? I don't know. Is he making his living? Is he getting minimum wage? I was very concerned about his lifestyle. And so I don't honestly remember if I tipped him. I remember getting to the hospital and finding out that my dad had actually already slipped into a coma. And I had missed all the, like, dramatic goodbyes because they knew he was not going to make it past that. So that was upsetting. But he was in a coma for a while. And you learn a lot about people's families when you're in a coma. When somebody else is in a coma. When you're in a coma, you don't learn anything. But when somebody else is in one, you learn a lot. And it was that weird place where everybody is connected by this thing, but you're not, because it's killing you. And so after, like two weeks, I brought up the idea that maybe we should pull the plug, as it were. And I don't know where that saying comes from, because nobody pulls a plug. There's no plug pulling every. Everybody's plugged in. But it was time everybody knew. So we decided to do it. And about. I thought, you know, I thought it would happen like on Days of Our Lives or like, I thought you would pull the plug and there'd be a lot of crying for 10 to 15 minutes. And then at that point, the person would pass and you would be sad, but it would be over. No, oddly, things don't happen like they do on tv. I don't know if you knew that. And so instead, we were waiting for four hours and then five hours, and then, you know, people had to go to the bathroom. You had to like, scream because it's crazy. And right in the middle of that, they wheeled in another woman into our room. A woman who had just had heart surgery. And I remember thinking, well, that's not a good idea. My dad is dying. What are you doing bringing in a woman who's had heart surgery? That doesn't mean make any sense at all. It's bad management. And she was under. She had taken a bunch of drugs, and so she was saying crazy things. And she's 80 and naked and kicking her covers off so you get the visual. So I'm on this side of the room with a curtain, which is very soundproof, and I'm like, Sitting with my dad, and we're saying, you know, I love you, dad. I'm really gonna miss you, Dad. I love you so much. And from the other side, we hear cinnamon.
- [13:40]
Margo Lightman
Okay.
- [13:41]
Vicki Kelleher
I love you so much. You were such a great dad to me, Cinnamon. I'm really. You're a wonderful Cinnamon. And finally, I mean, you can't help but laugh because your life is exploding in front of your eyes. And it's like that moment where you're, like, crying and laughing. And my husband says, 30cc's of cinnamon stats. And it killed me. And we all laughed so hard. And it was like this crazy moment. And like, four hours later, four hours later, the nurse says, you know, it's probably time. His heart rate is lowering, and they know, like, the secret codes. And so we're holding his hand, and they say, maybe if you tell him it's okay to go, he'll leave. And so we're all saying, like, daddy, it's okay. And, you know, we love you, and you're so good, and it's okay. I'll be okay. And my mom says, you know, John, you were such a great dad, and I love you, and it's okay. I'll take care of the girls. And from across the room, we hear, don't go, John. Yeah. And I remember thinking. I remember in that moment thinking, you know, that's what I felt. That was what was inside me, was. I think maybe I gave that woman my words because I was like, don't go, John. It's okay. Don't go. But he did. And I remember I had my hand on his chest and his heart stopped. It just stopped. I didn't know that could happen. And later we found out Cinnamon Lady. That's what I call her. Cinnamon lady knew nobody named John, and I thought, wow, that's crazy. But she was a baker, so we understand that part. Thank you.
- [15:53]
Dan Kennedy
Vicki kelleher hails from St. Paul, Minnesota, and now lives in Los Angeles. She has appeared on various TV shows, as well as many of the commercials that have interrupted your television watching experience. She is also the mother of one amazing little boy and makes a mean chicken spaghetti sauce. This week's podcast is brought to you by Carbonite Online Backup. Easy, automatic and unlimited backup for your computer files. Try it free for 15 days@carbonite.com and if you use the offer code themoth, you'll get two bonus months if you decide to buy. We're pleased to announce the first ever Moth Chicago Grand Slam. Peter Sagal hosts the Ultimate Store Storytelling Showdown at the park west and the doors are going to open at 6. You'll want to come early to get a seat and then stories are going to start at 8pm Tickets are available now@etix.com or you can call 1-800-514-ETIX. That's 1-800-514-ETix. Or you can also go to the Park West Box office Monday through Friday, 10 to 5pm That's 10am to 5pm for those of you in other cities, make sure you check out themoth.org events. You're going to find a full calendar of all of our upcoming events this spring and that's going to include some tour stops in Seattle, Portland and Denver. Hope to see you there. Hi, this is Jay Allison, producer of the Moth Radio Hour. Our fall season of new shows should be appearing now at a public radio station near you. You can find a complete listing of stations@themost.org it's produced by the Moth and by us at Atlantic Public Media here on Cape Cod and distributed by the public radio exchange.
- [17:43]
Rosetta Stone Advertiser
Prx.org Our podcast host, Dan Kennedy is the author of the book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [17:54]
Dan Kennedy
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public@prx.org.