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- [00:00]
Madison Perry
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- [02:20]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. Before we get started, just another reminder. The Moth is in Chicago on March 28th. That is part of the USA Characters Unite Tour to combat prejudice and discrimination. You can get Tickets now@smartticks.com the Moth receives support from Amazon.com this week we bring you two Grand Slam stories. For those of you that don't know, our Grand Slams feature winners of our open Mic story Slam competitions here in New York, as well as Los Angeles, Chicago and Detroit. The first story you're about to hear by Madison Perry won the October Grand Slam in Los Angeles. The theme of the night was Without a Net.
- [03:09]
Madison Perry
Good evening, everybody. During the summer, during college, I went backpacking in Europe with two of my best friends, Carney and Kyler. And it was a great trip. It was six weeks. We went all over the continent and we ended the trip in Pamplona, Spain, for the Festival of San Fermin, which is where they do the running of the bulls. And I'd wanted to go to this thing, so I was in eighth grade and I read the Sun Also Rises and I started worshiping Hemingway and I just wanted to do it. But the entire trip I went back and forth about whether I would actually do the running because it's dangerous. And they, you know, people, people get injured all the time. People have even died doing it. Like, there's, there's a reason they have the phrase, mess with the bull, get the horns. It's because they have horns and the horns get you. And so I was scared. And then on the morning we were going to do it, we went. And they're these narrow cobblestone streets and they're lined with these big fences that are big enough for you to go through or jump over. And we walked up to them. And like in America, if you do anything, like if you do a 5k fun run, you've got to register and get a bib number and you've got to sign a waiver that says I could die from jogging in Spain. You step through that fence, that's it. There's not even a warning sign, like we warn people that there may be peanuts in bags of peanuts here. Nothing. The only deterrent is common sense, which my friend Kyler had none of because he went right through the fence. And I'm standing there and this is a big deal for me because I'm not like a risk taker kind of guy. I was the kid growing up. There'd always be like, are you sure we should be doing this, guys? Seems pretty dangerous, guys. Like, that was me, you know? So I'm sitting there and I'm kind of. I'm kind of panicked, and I'm looking at Carney and he definitely wasn't going. He decided it was too dangerous. And I'm looking across the fence at Kyler and I'm starting to panic, and I'm kind of like, what's the healthcare like in Spain? Like, not good. This country's known for napping. Like, that's. And so finally, Kyler looks at me and he just says, just step through the fence. And I kind of in a trance, I go through with him. And we're walking off, and Carney yells after us, be careful. Which, like, the only way to do that is to not do the running of the bulls. So we're walking and we. We're in the crowd, and we're all wearing the white with the red sash and the red bandana. We did it all up and. And I have no idea what's going to happen. Like, my. The only knowledge I have of bulls and bull fighting at this point is from Bugs Bunny cartoon. Like, they hate red. Like, you can distract them if you put lipstick on a cow. Like, that's what I'm like, I'm imagining the bulls sharpening their horn on that spinning wheel. Like, that's what's going through my head. And there's like a buzz in the crowd, like just before a fight breaks out. And then a rocket explodes in the sky, and that's the sign that they've let the bulls go. So we're standing there, we're ready to run. And then this wave of white and red, this surge of people comes around the corner, followed by the six gigantic bulls. And we take off running as hard as we can. People are pushing me. Elbows are flying. People are going, toros, vamonos. Go, go. And someone falls down behind me, and I want to help them, but I think, leave him. He's already dead. And I just keep. I just keep running. And the bulls are on us in no time. And you can hear their hooves on the cobblestone. And people are jumping and hanging from windows and cowering in doorways. And people are on the ground with their hands over their head. And I see Kyler, he goes Superman style through the fence to my right. He just dives head first. And I run over to the fence and I put my hand on it, but I don't jump over. I just kind of stand there and I watch as the bulls come running by me about five feet away from me. And it's one of those moments where it's just slow motion. I could just. They're giant, muscular legs, and the humps were going up and down and their sharp horns, and it was just Amazing and beautiful and. And even in that moment, I was like, this is the most badass thing I will ever do. And, like, there's not even a close second. Like, the second most badass thing I've done is get a squirrel out of the house that got in through the chimney. Like, I'm not a badass. So they go running by, and then I help Kyler through the fence and where our heart rates are dropping, and we're like, oh, that was so cool. And congratulating each other. And then someone says, mas turos. There are more bulls. And we start running again, and we're sprinting as fast as we can, and it's over half a mile to the bull arena, and we're sprinting the entire way, looking back the entire time, sure that these bulls are bigger and stronger and faster, and they will kill us. And we get to the arena, and we realize there were no more bulls. We'd been running terrified from nothing, which is probably some sort of life metaphor. And so we walk into the bull arena, and it's got the sand floor, and it's round, and it's filled with people that cheer on the runners that have come in. And it was like Gladiator, the movie. And I actually yelled, are you not entertained? Which is a little cheesy. But at the time, the movie had just come out, it was perfect. And we were just. I was hugging Kyler, and we were hugging strangers, and it was just. It was awesome. It was so awesome. Awesome was the only word I could say. I was like, this is awesome. Kyler's like, I'm gonna get some sand. I was like, that's awesome. And so we're taking sand and we're shoving it in our pockets from this arena, and Kyler says, I'm gonna make sure to get some red stuff that has the bull's blood stained in it. I was like, that's awesome. Even though it's really just unsanitary. And so we're walking back, and we see this old guy, and his shirt's ripped open and it's stained with blood. The bull got him a little bit. And the first aid people are like, medico, do you need help? And he's like, no. And we were like, that's awesome. And so we walk back, and Carney's waiting, and he says, how was it? And we're like, awesome. And then he says, I should have run. You know, there wasn't that many bulls. I should have run. First of all, screw him. There was plenty of bulls. And second, I was just. I was so glad I did it because I got to go home with no regrets. And I'm just so glad I stepped through that fence. Thanks.
- [09:23]
Dan Kennedy
Madison Perry grew up in Colorado and currently lives in Los Angeles, where he's a writer and comedian. He discovered the moth while living in New York City. Madison is proud to be one of the hosts for the LA Story Slams. You can learn more about Madison at MadisonPerry.com this next story that you're going to hear is by Jeff Zimmerman. He told it about a month ago at our Grand Slam in New York City. And the theme of that night was into the Wild.
- [09:57]
Jeff Zimmerman
All right, look. In the fall of 2003, it was the Australian summer, and I worked as an assistant to a kangaroo shooter in the outback. What that means is I wasn't allowed to operate a firearm, but I was essentially reduced to being a golden retriever with opposable thumbs. We'd hunt at night and I'd stand on the back of a truck as we drove through the bush and spotlight kangaroos. He'd shoot them and I'd go grab them and drag them up to the truck and then we'd gut them and I'd throw up on the truck and repeat until nearly dawn, when we would go back to this tin shed that was our base camp and go to sleep all day. We were on a 1 million acre ranch about 6 hours drive away from cell phone coverage. Camping near the garbage dump for the ranch and, you know, reading a lot of Hunter S. Thompson and just generally having a lot of awesome tattoo work did not prepare me for the job as adequately as I. I assumed it would because I'd just do dumb stuff. I'd slip with the knives and bang them on a rock and make sparks and dole the knives or slip in a pile of kangaroo guts or something. And every time that Craig, the reshoot I worked with, he'd say, bloody useless. Bloody useless, he'd say under his breath. I thought it was my name. Bloody useless. You know, you hear it two or three hundred times, it starts to get to you a little bit. So one night we're driving back to camp with a truck full of kangaroo meat and we busted a flat tire. And I saw this as an opportunity to kind of myself a little, earn back a little cred. So I grabbed the jack and I was like, oh, man, I got this. I jumped off the truck and got under it and I started to jack it up, but right as it's at the top, it slips off. Of the jack. It just goes like that while I'm still under it with all that meat and truck and everything in it down. And it scared me bad. And all this cold stuff started falling on the back of my neck and I thought, oh God, there's a coolant leak now what? And I looked and it was okay. It wasn't coolant. It was actually just cold blood dripping out of a kangaroo. Severed neck stump. So I did what anyone in my position would have done, is I leapt to my feet and issued a series of high pitched girlish squeals. And Craig was just standing there looking at me and he's covered in blood and dirt and so am I, because so is everything. And he's one of those fat guys who's also muscular and made out of bullet riddled leather and his ears have calluses on them, you know. And he just looks at me and he's like, thought, you know how to change the time, mate? And I said, well I do. Like in America in a driveway in the daytime, just give me a couple minutes here, I could take care of this. But he looked at me and he just said, matt, what you know about taking care of yourself? I could rattle my cock with a mop. And then he just gets under the truck and fixes it with one hand and probably rolls a pack of cigarettes with the other, you know, and that was just him. He had something for everything. He could just handle every little situation and he could eviscerate you and be over it in 10 minutes. And I would just fume for hours. So one day I sweated myself awake at about noon because it's like 110 outside. And my pants, the only pair of pants I brought, were so soaked with animal blood, they were sort of like this wearable scab I would pull on and off. They actually drew flies, which was awesome because otherwise the flies would try to drink from my lips and eyes as I slept. So I kept them in the corner of my room and the flies would kind of bunch over there and things were good. And one afternoon I woke up and my pants were gone. Which is troubling because like I said, it's my only pair. And I looked around and then I looked under my bed and there was a six foot long lizard chewing on my pants. They're called racehorse goanna. They're a kind of monitor lizard and they're scavengers that crawl around the outback and eat any old dead thing they can find. And my pants were apparently so soaked with blood it thought they were meat. They're dangerously stupid. And if you scare them, they try to climb up the nearest tall thing, which in an outback situation is usually you. And they'll just lazarate you. And they don't wash after they eat. So all this rotten meat gets into the cuts and you can go septic. And we'd have had to drive six hours to call 911. So I'm whipping books at the thing to run it off. And a. My pants represented a score for this thing, I guess, because it starts dragging him out of my room. And then I thought, oh, fuck. Because the only way to look worse to this guy would be to report to work that night with no pants and tell him I had allowed a giant lizard to steal them. So I'm ripping books like discs of Tron, and I finally hit it in the ribs and it spits my pants out and runs off. And I thought, well, awesome. And I was looking forward to being like, yeah, I totally ran off a lizard later, you know? Yeah, it was no big deal. And I start to go back to sleep and then the door to my room kicks in and Craig is standing there, like silhouetted, wearing only a pair of filthy blood stained ugg boots and a nasty little pair of black underpants they call budgie smugglers in Australia. And he's like, yeah. And I said, dude, did the lizard get your pants too? Because I totally kept mine. And he was like, you knew? You fucking knew about this and you did nothing? And I said, knew about? And he said, come here. And he drags me into the kitchen. We go in our camp kitchen and our cooler is upside down and all our eggs are smashed on the floor and there's all milk in it and lizard footprints through it and just licked up all the eggs and then danced around and made a little French toast batter on the floor and then ran off. And he said, right, listen, next time you see one of these things, you run it off the property properly, right? It's not just about you and your little pants. It's about all of us. You've got to chase them off. And I said, listen, man, the next time a giant lizard comes around and tries to eat my pants, I'll observe the protocol that you've just laid out. But you cannot sit here and tell me that this is like a normal thing I'm supposed to know about. Do I sound like I know about these kind of things? And I was like, I'm not like you, man. I don't kill kangaroos or like swim with sharks and punch them or whatever. And he, ah, sharks are nothing, man. If you don't want to fuck with a shark, just don't get in the bloody ocean. They're not like bears. And I was like, what? And he said, they're not like bears, mate. And I said, bears? Let's pull it back. He says, well, I've seen a fair few nature television programs and it's my understanding that, you know, sharks will eat you, but bears, mate, they could swim, they can run, they can climb. If a bear wants to eat you, you're fucked. Hey. And I said, that's a way of looking at it. But my parents have seen bears and I've camped and they've come around my campsite and if you know what to do with your food, they're not gonna, they're not gonna bother you. And he's just like holding this mop while we're mopping up and he leans forward and says, bears have come around your campsite, mate. And I said, yeah, what'd you do? And I was like, we just laid low and eventually got bored and left. He just looks at me, he says, oughta been so bloody scared. Thank you.
- [17:02]
Dan Kennedy
Jeff Zimmerman is a writer and storyteller who regularly appears at the Moth Slams in New York. His work has appeared in Vice magazine and on this American Life. Also, he has a story in the anthology Post It Note Diaries coming out this fall. You can follow his blog@andiamnotlying.com Amazon.com is proud to support the creation of great stories on the Moth main stage and at the Moth Story Slams.
- [17:32]
Madison Perry
Our podcast host, Dan Kennedy is the author of the book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
- [17:41]
Dan Kennedy
For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York. Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public@prx.org.