Hi, everyone. Okay, so my best friend Andrea used to live in this big house in Boston with this band called Pretty and Nice. Now I am obsessed with this band. The second I heard their music, I started going to all their New York shows and quickly turned into a bit of a super fan. But I'm also friends with them. So I really just like to think that if I were in the movie Almost Famous, which I like to believe I always am, I would be like the Penny Lane to There's Still Water. So one night in this giant house, I'm rifling through Andrea's crazy closet and I find this crazy like pink and white terry cloth short shorts romper. And having been full of vodka, I immediately put it on. Andrea immediately takes out her camera. And I just thought it was so hilarious because it was so short that my butt cheeks were just escaping. But she's just taking pictures and she was on this kick. She's a really great photographer and she's on this kick of trying to capture mid air jumps. So I'm jumping around the entire house in this romper and she was like getting all these great pictures of me in midair. So about two months later, we'd almost forgotten about this. She develops the role of film and her roommate Jeremy, who's also the lead singer of this band, sees these pictures and says that they are so awesome. He wants them to be the basis for the COVID of their next album. And I just flipped the fuck out. I was like, are you kidding me? He might as well have said that I was going to be like on a billboard next to the Hollywood sign. This was, this was the peak. So they talked to their label and the label decides that Andrea can handle the actual cover art, but they would like to do a press shoot. And they contact this guy Brett, who had just done a shoot for a little band called the Shins and he was conveniently in Brooklyn and they also wanted me to be in this press shoot. So every day that we got closer to the shoot, I was getting more and more excited. I was like, yeah, press shoot, I know how this is going to be. It's going to be like a big white studio. There's going to be all these lights and maybe a fan. And, you know, the label will bring, like, champagne and a fruit platter, because that's what labels do. And I was the only girl involved, so I was like, oh, there'll be a makeup artist. I'll have all these outfits, and it'll just be like a big crazy party. And all I could think of was, you know, Alicia Silverstone and the Aerosmith figures. Like, she wasn't in the band, but she was an icon because of that. And I was like their muse. And what if we were in Rolling Stone magazine and I got to be on the road with them and maybe I could play tambourine and maybe I'd get a movie deal. So this was going to be my big break. So the day finally comes, and I follow the direction to this place, meet up with the guys. It's Jeremy, this other guitarist, Holden, and the drummer, Bobby. We're in Greenpoint, and we all followed the directions of his address. And we meet Brett in his one bedroom basement apartment. So he's the exact opposite of how I imagined him to be. He's got, like, long, crazy hair. He's really quiet, and just the interaction of hellos is so weird that I'm just uncomfortable. And he offers us some beers. And Even though it's 11am I accept because I'm slowly realizing this is the closest thing I'm probably going to get to the champagne and the fruit platter. So we change into our outfits. The guys get to wear, like, skinny jeans and ironic T shirts. And I put on the Romper, plus a fuzzy hat, giant sunglasses, and white pumps. Because there's no fashion director. It's these four hipster man boys. So we do these awkward test shots in his backyard, and then Brett says he wants to get a nature vibe going. So we all pile in the car and we go to Prospect Park. And I was actually feeling a little more optimistic, so I was like, okay, this is going to be, you know, sunshine and grass, and maybe it'll be fun. It'll be fun. But we get there and we immediately hike into the woods. And we're all helping him carry his gear and we're walking. I'm still in the romper, too. Walking for what seems like, you know, two miles in Prospect Park. Whenever you're walking, it feels like you're there for miles and miles. But he stops in the middle of this hiking trail, and he's like, this is the spot. We're Going to recreate the jump here. I was like, okay, I guess so. So the guys just get to stand there and look cool. And he wants me to jump repeatedly over and over in many different places, all around them, just again and again in this romper. Now, at this point, I had hit the peak of performance anxiety. It was. This was nothing like the fun, drunken night I had with Andrea. And it was certainly nothing like the idea of glamour I had for this whole whole photo shoot. I was in the woods, it was totally quiet, and I was really sober, and there were. And because it was a hiking trail, there were people walking by, and there was no way that I could hide this, like, butt cheeks coming out. Every time I landed, my white pumps are sinking into the soil. And I was just trying really hard to, like, land and look natural or even, like, kind of sexy. But it was probably the most unnatural, unsexy thing I had ever done. And by the time that shoot was over, I was just so happy to get out of that romper. And so a couple months later, the photos got released, the album came out, and it did get on a few websites and indie magazines, but nothing like a huge billboard. And I was actually grateful because every time I look at those photos, I just feel awkward all over again. And it. It makes me wonder why we tried to recreate something that was just a drunken inspiration anyway, and just recreate it over and over. And it makes me think, like, how the cast of Jersey Shore must be feeling because they're doing that. But I feel like it was crazy of me to think that that is what was going to make me famous. And if I ever am famous someday, I really hope that the People magazine fact checkers don't recognize me behind the big hat and sunglasses. Thank you.
Stevie Long (10:56)
So I'm 8 years old in CCD. I don't know what that means to this day, but it's for poor kids who can't go to Catholic school. I have recently learned what the word genital means because of my best friend, Joe Walsh. So I'm sitting there thinking about how I can use this word, and I can't think of any better place than Catholic after school programming. So the teacher is in front of us, and he's constantly saying, our Father. He our God. And I ask, I raise my hand slowly, waiting for my turn. How do we know that God has genitals? Yeah, you've got a lot of nerve, kid, is what my teacher responds. We don't know that God has genitals. God is just it. So I remain silent, coloring my Moses picture until he says something again as our Father. And I say, aha. And then I'm escorted out into the hallway. As I'm sitting there, I'm thinking of my father coming down the hallway, who in about 30 minutes is supposed to pick me up, who's always been a big fan of me having nerve. But as I'm sitting out there with crayons that I refuse to give back to the teacher, I see my father and his ties strolling down the hallway. And I'm coming up with a million different stories to tell him why I'm out there. And when he gets in front of me, looming, I just announce. I said genitals in class. I can't describe his face. It just was a question mark. The teacher asked if him to come inside. They have a conversation. To this day, I don't know what was said, but he comes back out and he says, that was a fair question. Please don't say genitals anymore. I'm glad you guys think that's funny. So later on in life, I sort of lose some of my nerve and my confidence that I had as a kid. And I moved from my home state of Iowa, and I come down here to New Orleans working with Habitat for Humanity after Katrina. And I start to realize that maybe I am more attracted to people with the same genitals as me than the opposite. So my father I very much respect. And one of the hardest things I had to do was build up nerve to tell him this reality. And I sent one email without any response, and I sent another email with not much of a response. And then I thought to myself, I am an adult. I've fallen in love. This is something I need to say. So I sit down in Iowa after taking a flight because you yeah, I'd have to get there first. And I tell him the reality of the situation, which he does not respond well to, and I say things that I regret, like, you're so stupid. I don't know how you could be this naive to not understand that this is important to me and things flare up and I say, I love someone with the same genitals as me. You're going to have to get the fuck over it. And then silent falls upon the conversation and I realize that I have to build up the nerve to say I'm sorry in that moment and not sorry for who I am, but enough nerve to say I'm sorry for backing you into this corner and being mean. Because as right as I feel, I know that how I've acted is wrong. So after that silence, I told him that I knew he was scared, I knew it was a big unknowing for him, but this was important to me, things calmed down and he said, I love you. Please don't say genitals anymore.
