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- [00:00]
Sponsor Voice
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Apple Representative
Series 10 is here.
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Ophira Eisenberg
It has the biggest display ever.
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Apple Representative
It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your.
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Dan Kennedy
Wrist whether you're running, swimming or sleeping.
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Apple Representative
And it's the fastest charging Apple Watch, getting you eight hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10, available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum compared to previous generations, iPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary.
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Sponsor Voice
The Moth is supported by Souvarine wines, standing behind the creation of excellence in their wines. For over 70 years, Souvarine has achieved new heights in winemaking through precision in their craft and an unyielding standard of perfection. From harvesting the grapes at exactly the right moment to the design of the label, no detail of Souvarine wines is ever overlooked. Learn more about souvarine@souverain.com and remember to drink responsibly.
- [02:01]
Dan Kennedy
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. This week on the podcast, we've got stories for you from a couple of our Moth Story Slam hosts. So the Story Slam is our open mic event. You know that we have those all over, like 24 different cities. And every show is obviously led by one of our hosts. So our first story is going to come from Ophira Eisenberg. And she told this at a slam here in New York city back in 2009. The theme of the night was songs. Here's Ophira.
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Apple Representative
Okay, in the fifth grade, my music teacher, Mrs. Rogers, told the class that we were going to be doing a musical and she handed out sheet music for this musical called the Wild west, which made perfect sense because this was in Calgary, Alberta, and that's sort of like the Canadian Wild west, you know, we even have a rodeo. So there were all these parts for the class and there was some solos. Now for the boys, there was like a bandit and a sheriff. And for the girls, there was a frontierswoman, a girl with strawberry blonde hair. And Miss Kitty. Every girl wanted to be Miss Kitty because Miss Kitty was the heartthrob. She was the beauty. She was like the starlet. And it was natural who that would go to? Tanya Gill, because she was the prettiest and the best singer in the class. But we were all there to audition. I was not a singer at all. I was in choir. But they would always put me in the back so they wouldn't, you know, no one would hear me fumbling the harmonies. And I also wasn't the prettiest. I was no beauty. I wore my hair in long braids every day and wore dresses that my mother sewed me from patterns in the borda. So I knew that I was going to be in the chorus. But. But it came to auditions. We all did our little auditions. And then Mrs. Rogers went to read who got what part. She said, for the role of the frontiers woman, Tanya Gill. And there was a hush. She would be singing the big closing number, though, called Sit Right down, about Indians and cowboys sitting down for dinner and everything being okay. Then she said the girl with the strawberry blonde hair, Jackie Clark, which made sense because she had beautiful long red hair. I thought, oh, this is it. And then she said, miss Kitty Ophira Eisenberg. I was like, what? And I thought like every other incredible thing that would ever happen in the future of my life. It was a mistake. But it was too late. She had already called it, and I was going to be Miss Kitty. And I was beyond excited. I thought, this is going to be my big chance to show everyone that I'm beautiful and I'm a star and I can really do this. And we started in rehearsal, and Mrs. Rogers brought in costumes for everybody. She brought checkered shirts and some dresses and some bandanas. And then she brought out this yellow strapless gown that had netting underneath and a little sparkly shawl to go over it. And that was the costume for Miss Kitty. And it looked just like the souvenir doll on a stand that my parents had brought me back from Las Vegas. I was like, I'm gonna look just like that girl. The day before the performance, Ms. Rogers took me aside and said. I thought she was going to say, tanya's going to play your part, and you're going to be back in the chorus. But she said, come a little early because we're going to do your hair and makeup. We're going to take that hair out of the braids. I was like, oh, I'm like a little crocus about to bloom. Came the performance, and she was mashing lipstick into my cheeks to make some blush. And I was in my yellow dress waiting. Now, the idea was, she told me Miss Kitty was the owner of the saloon, so I would be. She took a. I got a projector cart on wheels and I was going to be sitting on it. Like that was the bar at the saloon. And I'd be wheeled out by Stephen Hockle, who was dressed as a bartender in a little vest and a bow tie. And he was given a glass with a cloth to Polish. We are 11 years old, but I'm excited. I'm gonna. All the parents are in the auditorium waiting for us. And I just can't wait to shine and even show my mother that I'm not a little girl. I'm this amazing movie star. And he wheels me out and starts polishing the glass. And there is just silence. And the piano starts and I start singing the song, which goes, oh, Mr. Dylan, if you're willing I'll be more than just a gal to you.
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Ophira Eisenberg
Why.
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Apple Representative
Don'T you take a chance and let me be a lovin gal to you? And then Stephen goes, oh, Mr. Dylan. And I'm expecting like this sort of like. And. And everyone is just shocked with big wide eyes, you know, because I'm sitting on a bar in a big yellow dress at 11 years old and this kid is polishing a glass. They cannot believe what they are seeing. And the song continues because the piano's playing. So I go with the next line, which is, oh, Mr. Dylan, you're a thrilling hunk of man and you make me feel so feminine and frail. But I reckon to be near you, I would have to rob a bank. Boom and boom. Go to jail. And the crowd erupts into laughter. They think, this is hilarious. And this is not what I wanted. I'm like, no, I'm a beautiful. I'm a pageant winner. I'm a model. I'm the starlight. I am Miss Kitty. And they are laughing and just thinking this is hilarious. And then I get wheeled off stage and I turn to Steve and I'm like, what happened? He was like, I don't know. I thought it was pretty good because I didn't know what they were seeing. It was a parody. I didn't know at the time I was 11. There was a parody of Gunsmoke, popular television show, and Miss Kitty was like a pretty prostitute, you know, and she was singing a song to Mr. Dylan, who was like the sheriff and she wanted him to make an honest woman out of her. And that's what they saw coming out of my 11 year old mouth. And I saw my mother afterwards and I was like, I thought I was going to be beautiful. And I thought, you know, I thought I was going to be at least a young Sally Field about to play, you know, the love interest in Smoking a bandit. I didn't realize it was going to be Jodie Foster in Taxi. Dr. I was like, mom, what did you think? And she was, and she's very droll. And she just said, you're quite a comedian. And it kind of stuck. Thank you.
- [09:20]
Dan Kennedy
Ophira Eisenberg is a comedian writer and she's also host of the NPR show Ask Me Another. Her debut memoir, Screw Everyone Sleeping My Way to Monogamy. It's available now. So for our second story, we're going to go out to our Chicago Moth Story Slam. Brian Babylon has been one of our Moth Slam hosts out there for the past few years. One night he was hosting the slam and the theme was Busted. And he decided to tell a story of his own. So here's Brian with a story that I cannot say enough good things about. I love this story. Brian Babylon.
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Ophira Eisenberg
I think I'll tell a quick story. How about that? How about that? All right, here's a story. I told this like a year ago. And this is about how I got busted by my mom and dad with $4,700 cash and a zip up poncho. I mean zip up pullover jacket. And I was in junior in high school, so early 90s, so it's a lot of money for, you know, a 17 year old kid to have his $4,700 cash. So rewind. I got a job that summer at what was called the World Music Theater in Tinley Park, Illinois. Okay. Everybody knows back in the day in the south suburbs, that was a premier outdoor music venue. Okay. So I was in the AV Club, so we got jobs in backstage. But I also had a lot of friends who worked in the concession stand. And after surveying I have, we weren't doing anything but just, you know, taking people drinks and just chilling and making money. So I found that you can get in out of the park if you just had a concession stand hat and a shirt. So the hustler and me got four or five concession stand shirts and hats. And I would get people in concerts that were sold out. So that summer, that was the first Lollapalooza, Depeche Mode, I'm rolling in the fucking dough. Okay? Now this is pre Internet, and this is back when you had to actually sleep out overnight at the Carson Perry Scott parking lot on Friday night to go up and buy tickets to Saturday morning. Okay? That's. You can't. You millennials don't know no shit about that. Okay? That's, that's where fun was had. Millennials, okay? Sleeping out overnight for some tickets. And who knows what seat you'll get. So after like the. I think that was the first show was like that Lollapalooza and then Janet Jackson rolled around. And then my big payday was when the Grateful Dead came to town. And they came to town hardcore. That summer they took over so many subdivision, like the Borg, they just were in parks. They were at the White Hand Pantry, cleaning up at the sink. It was crazy. They were at the Laundromat. Deadheads were everywhere. So the show was sold out, but you were fined pockets of people who want to still go to the show. So I would charge, you know, 4, 450 for a group of five or six to put your money together, put on the shirts, you go in, change into the concession chain shirt, go in the bathroom, change hand to backpack. It was a whole routine, hustle and flow, whatever you want to call it. Okay, so I'll wait, get the money. Unbeknownst to me, somebody put a happy face sticker on my arm. And I'm thinking, oh man, things great, whatever. I'm trying to make this money. Wow, still making money. Come to find out, that was an LSD sticker. Let's say 6:30, roll by. 6:30. I had, I'm. I'm feeling like I realized what had happened because I saw this girl named Amy Keel who was getting carted off to the med tent, like freaking out. She was like this red haired girl, her hair like turned to an afro. Maybe that was lsd, but she had like her shit turned to afro. Her eyes like this. I'm like, oh shit. So I got the sticker off me. I thought I would be okay. But then I know things were going south. When I saw like these dolphins dancing back, I remember that they were like, I like, oh man, that ain't even real shit. So I go on my own self to the med tent. I'm like, hey, I think I got a sticker on me. I'm falling off. You know, I'm not gonna make it in 10 minutes. Who knows what kind of Narnia shit I'm gonna be on in like 10 minutes. So whatever. So they put all my backpack in my. In my. I had this pullover, like little jacket that had like the kangaroo pouch and then that had all the money. So at that point in time, had like almost $4,700 cash that was in this zip up. And I had it in my backpack. So then my mom picks me up. So all they hear is, he's overdosed on lsd. Okay? That's. That's what my mom. And she freaks out. She's like, what? Oh my God, Brian. My dad. That my parents had split up. So that means my dad had to come from Hyde park all the way to the South. It's one of those situations like, oh shit. When daddy comes from the city. Shit. So I woke up the next day and then, you know, well, he had to spend the night. So that's what. Clearly he got there the day before. So I woke up the next day, he had spent the night and we had the meeting. I'm like, ah, what's up? What's up? What's up with this money, Brian? You're doing drugs? Where do you get all this money from? Are you selling drugs? I'm like, ah, no, I'm not selling drugs. No. And my father said, brian, where the fuck you get all that money from? Like this guy is we Huxtable black. I don't know if you know that. Okay? But he flipped into like Good times black. So he flips to it, hey, man, where the fuck you get that money from, Brian? They got real Shaft talk quick. So. So I told him, all right, so, you know, I had to come clean. I'm like, all right, this is what I'm doing. You know, I got this summer job, I found out that you can get into the park. I told him my whole grandiose scheme. So then I look at my father's face. He's like, it turned to a smile. He's like, that's good, Brian. Wow. You thought it's on your own.
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Dan Kennedy
Wow, that's good, Brian.
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Ophira Eisenberg
Oh, that's my. That's my story. Thank you judges. No, I'm kidding. But they don't. You can't have fun like that anymore, man. That's. You millennials will never, never know. You millennials will never, never know.
- [15:45]
Dan Kennedy
Brian Bavylon is a Chicago born comic, radio host and the self proclaimed prince of Bronzeville. He recently moved to Los Angeles to join the production team on the new Comedy Central show why with Hannibal Buress. He's a frequent participant on NPR's Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, and this year he can be seen in season three of Inside Amy Schumer on Comedy Central. The Moth mainstage is returning to London's Union Chapel on October 5th that's going to be hosted by Phil Jupitis. For tickets and details on all of our upcoming tour stops, just visit themoth.org Also, a quick announcement. Just wanted to let you know, I do this show every year out in Portland, Oregon where I take a couple of nights off from my duties here at the Moth and I join up with my friends from Back Fence PDX and we have a couple of great nights of storytelling and comedy and music. This will be September 11th and September 12th, so come on out and say hello. It'll be myself. Lots of great people. Arthur Bradford, Mindy Netefi B. Frayne Masters John Roderick from the Long Winters up in Seattle is going to come down. For tickets and information just hit my site dancnedyc.com thanks for listening and we hope you have a story worthy week.
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Sponsor Voice
Dan Kennedy is author of the books Loser Goes First Rock on and American Spirit. He's a regular host and performer with the Moth when he's not on Twitter.
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Dan Kennedy
The Moth Podcast is produced by Whitney Jones. Moth events are recorded by Argo Studios in New York City, supervised by Paul Rue West. The Moth Podcast and the Moth Radio Hour are presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public@prx.org.