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The Moth
Patricia “Rocky” Zimmerman: My Journey
00:14:31
An incarcerated woman begs to be released so she can be at her dying mother’s bed side. Patricia “Rocky” Zimmerman is a graduate of the MothSHOP Community Program. She is a Policy Associate at Family Justice, and was incarcerated for 17 years.
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- [00:00]
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- [02:32]
Andy Borowitz
Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Andy Borowitz. The Moth features true stories told live without notes. All stories on the podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York and Los Angeles and from our Tour shows across the country. Visit themoth.org the story you are about to hear by Patricia Rocky Zimmerman was recorded live at the Moth main stage in 2003. The theme of the night was New York stories.
- [03:02]
Rocky Zimmerman
When somebody tells you that you're going to serve life in prison with a minimum of 15 years, you kind of begin to look around for the punchline because you know, it's got to be a joke in there somewhere, you know, Growing up, not listening to my mother, drinking, drugging, having sex, doing crimes, where it landed me was Beatford Hills Correctional Facility at the age of 20 with a brokenhearted mother who never got over me being in prison and a five year old son. You know, trying to survive in an environment like that is really, really depressing. You know, there's definitely a lot of heartbreak. And the best times for me, the highlight of my days would be when my mother and my son would come to visit and you know, we would be happy for an hour and we would do the family thing and then when it was over with, we would part and I would return to this like crazy sort of loneliness that prison is. And you know, after a few years and just when things could really get no worse for me inside, it was my birthday and I wanted to hear somebody say happy birthday. And I called home and I found out that my mother, who I often refer to as the love of my life, was ill. And it became evident really fast that her illnesses were terminal. And I think that day I really began to die a little bit with her. I fought, I begged, I pleaded, I cried, trying to convince them that they should let me go and see her, at least for what we call in prison a deathbed visit. And she wasn't sick enough. And then they said she wasn't in the right place and she probably had longer to live than I thought. And you know, this fight went on for about two months. And finally the superintendent of the facility that I was in came to see me one evening and I was just so sick and tired. I said to her, look, if my mother dies without me seeing her, there will be no wall in this entire facility that's going to be able to contain me. So now, maybe about two weeks later, the day finally comes and you know, they're calling me over the loudspeaker and you know, everybody on the floor that I live with was, you know, just kind of patting me on the back because it was like another fight conquered. And I go downstairs and they put the chains and the shackles on me because this is how prisoners have to be transported when they're going outside the prison. And because this was a small prison, there was. There's only like two gates for an exit and an entrance. And, you know, finally I'm all shackled, and we're getting ready to have the van come in to pick me up, and both of the gates malfunction. Now, I don't know if maybe it was omen or something, I don't know. But these sort of gates operate electronically, and you can't really, like, manually open these gigantic gates, but they have these little doors on the side that you can open manually. So now I'm already in shackles and stuff. And the sergeant is saying, you know, rocky, your family been calling here all day. The chaplain been calling all day. And finally he just walks me and he holds my arm, and I'm walking like this all the way to the front gate, and he walks me through little short part of the facility. And then you have to go through the gates. And finally when I get to the front gate and I get in the van and he's telling me, you know, rocky, with everybody that done called here today for you, you might not get where you going, but you have got to get out of here today. So, you know, I kind of have butterflies in my stomach for the trip. And my mom didn't actually know who I was until I was, like, standing up over her. And she screamed and she cried, and she looked over because they had removed the shackles that were on my arm, but I still had the leg irons on. And I was like, mom, you know, don't worry about it. They just little bracelets that they put on your legs. And I kind of sat down and slid my feet under the bed, and I talked to her and I told her I loved her. And I did her nails and stuff. And, you know, I was thinking in my head and stuff. You know, I really wanted to say goodbye to her. I wanted to utilize that time. But, you know, how do you say goodbye to your mother in 90 minutes? Now, 90 minutes is longer than most people usually get. Usually only get about 20 minutes. So I was thinking that I had been given a gift, but it still was bittersweet because you just can't say goodbye that long. It just wasn't enough for me. And when I went back, I just left with the feeling like I was never going to see her alive again. So about two weeks later, again to the day, they called me over the loudspeaker again. And, you know, I had to report to the chaplain's office. And I found out that they had rushed my mom to the hospital. And, you know, this is what would be the last week of her life. And she was asking for me. And, you know, I knew I had to come up with something. I knew it wouldn't be a visit because they wasn't going to be that nice. So I just thought of everything that I would have wanted to say if I had an opportunity. You know, we never have opportunity to say everything. So I went back to my cell and I wrote it all down. And we had a tape recorder at my job. And I went back the next morning and I made a tape of everything that I wanted to say. And it was, in essence, saying goodbye. And, you know, that she could go now, that I would be okay and things like that. And then when the chaplain came in, she asked me, rocky, is there anything I can do? And I said, yes, please take this tape to my mother. And, you know, I was willing to give up my Walkman. And she said no. And she was supposed to go the next day. So she was supposed to be there at 1:00, but something was wrong with the car and something was wrong with her husband and something was wrong with the dog, and something was just wrong with everything. And finally she had gotten there about six hours later, about 7:00, and they let her go in. And she put the headphones on my mom's ears because, you know, she was relatively incoherent. So she didn't realize, you know, that there was actually something on her ears. And she presses play and she hears my mother must hear my voice. And the nurses start running in because the machines start going crazy. Here come the doctors and they want to know if anything is wrong. And she just kind of stops them and says she thinks her daughter is here. And, you know, that was just. It was just a gift that I was able to give to her. Now the next day at 5:30, I get another call to go to the lieutenant's office. And I go downstairs in this building and there's nobody in the hallway. And I'm looking like, this is incredible. And I'm walking and it feels like the Green Mile. Because I know when I get to the end of the corridor, this man is going to tell me that my mother had died. And you know, that's exactly what happened. And I had done 12 and a half years by then, and nothing, nothing could compare to the hurt and the pain that I felt that day. Well, so now I know that I have two and a half years left to my parole board. I go to my parole board and they deny me. And I'm like, okay. And together with a typewriter and a jailhouse lawyer's manual and the support of my best friend right here in the world, Denise, I'm telling you, I went back to the board. I fought and they denied me again. And then I went back to the board and I had the paper in my hand for like 20 minutes before I realized that they were letting me go home. And, you know, by then I had done 17 years and it never broke me. But the period of time of watching my mother be sick and losing her, that broke me. And you know, my yearn for freedom just was propelled by my need to walk out the gate that Monday morning that I left a little over a year ago and just to be able to look up and you know, say, damn. I really, I really made it. I finally made it.
- [13:58]
Andy Borowitz
Rocky Zimmerman is a graduate of the Moth Shop Community Program which offers storytelling workshops free of charge to students and adults in underserved communities. The Moth is a non profit organization. Consider supporting our free podcast by going to our podcast contribution page or by becoming a moth member@themoth.org you can also buy moth stories on CD, including today's story which is featured on Audience Favorites Volume 2. Our podcast host, Andy Borowitz is a comedian, actor and writer whose work appears regularly in the New Yorker, the New York times, and@borowitzreport.com thanks to Maz Swift for our podcast music. For more information about Maz, visit mazmusic.com that's M A Z Z M U Z I K.com and please tell us what you thought of today's episode. What would you like to hear more of or less of? Email us atpot podcast themoth.org thanks to all of you for listening. We hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Network Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange Helping make public Radio more public@prx.org.