Rashonda M. Tyson (3:34)

I don't remember the first time I learned what drugs were, but I knew that something was wrong with my mother. She had gone from someone who wore suits to work every day, someone who spent quality time with her children, someone who cooked three meals a day, to being someone who was fired from her job, someone who didn't pay bills on time anymore, someone who didn't care that our refrigerator was empty. And at that time, I was 10 years old, in the fifth grade. So I called my grandmother because I couldn't deal with this monster that my mother had turned into. And I say, grandma, you need to come get me. And Rashad and Rashaya, my little brother and sister, and we left my mother's house and lived with my grandmother. So today I'm graduating from the sixth grade and we're all in the car. It's a whole bunch of us. It's Grandma and Aunt Stacy and Uncle Michael and Rashad and Rashaya. And there are balloons in the car because this moment is wonderful and my family is proud of me. And I was also chosen to deliver the speech. But I'm sitting in the car and this is a Corolla in like 1989 or the car was 89. So there's a bunch of us and we're all kind of packed, and I'm squished and my head is leaning on the window. And I just want this day to be over. And I need it to be over because I want my mother to be there, but I know that she's not going to be there. And I'm just sad. And I'm not looking forward to giving this stupid speech either, because I didn't want to write it. And I don't know why the hell my teachers think that I am articulate because I'm not. So something. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was something in my spirit tells me to kind of lift my head and just look out the window, and I see my mother in a suit walking to my graduation. And my aunt pulls over, and I'm excited, but I can't show her that I'm excited because I tried to do that by doing well in school and being on honor roll by. But that wasn't enough to make her come back to me and be the mother that I knew her to be. So I can't show her that I'm excited, even though inside I'm, like, doing backflips and cartwheels and somersaults. I can't really do any of those things. But my aunt says, wait right here. I'll drop everyone off. Rashonda has to be there at a certain time. I'll circle back and get you. Fine. She does that, and I line up with my class, and we process into the auditorium, and the ceremony is going on. And now I'm just like, oh, my God, I want to hug my mother because I can't really hold back these angry feelings. They seem to have been a little temporary, but I want to hug her and I want to tell her that I love her, but I have to give this speech. So I stand up there and I memorize maybe a paragraph or so, and I just kind of say that from memory, and I didn't remember the rest of it. So I'm just standing there like. And I have a friend who's sitting behind me with a copy of my speech, and she would give me a line. She would say, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I would say, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then she'd give me another line, da, da da da, da, da, da, da, da da. And that was pretty much how I gave the rest of the speech. And I'm quite sure my teachers were a little upset and a little surprised, but whatever. I couldn't care about them in that moment because, again, this ceremony needed to be over. And finally it was. Yes. I run over to my mother and I hug her, and I'm crying and I'm telling her that I love her and I want her to be the mother to me that I know that she could be. And my closest friends who knew that my mother was on drugs were kind of, you know, standing around just watching us embrace one another. And there were some friends who I didn't let in on that level, who had these quizzical looks, like, okay, it's just sixth grade. Like, hello. What the hell is wrong with these people? But whatever. They didn't need to know everything. My mom gave me hope in that moment because I'm 11 at this point. I'm saying to her, you need to be my mother. You need to get yourself together. And she's nodding her head and she's taking it in, and I'm like, yes, I'm going to have my mom again. And time goes on, and I notice that she didn't come back for us, and she didn't get her life together. And now middle school is over, high school is over, and I'm even in college. And every now and again, she would come over to my grandmother's house and spend the weekend with us. And Rashad and Rashea would be extremely excited because they were really, really young when we left her house. But I was older, and I understood why we left her house. So I was bitter. I don't give a damn that you're spending a weekend with us. If I don't feel like talking to you, I'm not going to talk to you. And that was my attitude towards my mother. So now this is summer, going into my senior year at College of the Holy Cross. Yay, Crusaders. And I'm driving to work with my little sister. And we had to pass my mom's neighborhood in order to get to Rashaya's job. And Rashaya says, we should go to Mommy's house. And I'm like, I don't really want to be pissed all day. And I didn't say this to Rashaya, but it's going on in my head. And I'm like, oh, I don't want to go to her house. Because if we go to her house and she's not there, that means she's been out all night doing drugs. And I don't want to be pissed the entire day. I had to kind of treat my mother like this stranger like this, you know, out of sight, out of mind type of thing. But Rashaya is my little sister. You guys know how little sisters are. You just have to give in to them. Like, they're so cute and all. So I say, fine. I make a U turn because those are legal in Connecticut. And we go to my mom's house, and she's home. Yes, thank you. There is a God. So we walk through the door and we start talking, and she's like, she's been having these headaches. She doesn't quite know what's wrong with her. Her blood pressure is high. She went to the doctor, and they said that she had a heart murmur. And I was like, what? And I'm looking at all of these different prescription drugs on her table. And I'm freaking out about this heart murmur thing. Like, what the hell is that? And don't people, like, grow out of those things? I mean, I think I read that on the Internet somewhere. But I cannot show this woman that I'm actually concerned about her. Because when I showed concern in the past, I didn't get what I wanted. So I just kind of stood there listening, like, oh. Oh, that really. That's kind of sad. Oh, you have an appointment next week. Oh, okay. Okay. Well, we have to go. Tomorrow is Rasheema's birthday. My older sister Rasheema. Rashonda. Rashad. Rashaya. Yeah. So call Rasheema, say happy birthday. We have to go to work. Reshaya gives my mother a hug, and I just walk out. Two days later, I'm at home, and the phone rings, and it's about quarter to 12. And it's Raymond, my mother's boyfriend. And he says, rashonda, I need to speak to your grandmother. She's sleeping. And he's like, rashonda, put her on the phone right now. Raymond, what is wrong with Melissa? And he says, I don't know, Shonda. I think she's dead. What? What? And I hang up the phone, and in my head, I'm calling him stupid. He has to be stupid. What do you mean you think she's dead? There's no thinking involved. If someone is dead, either you're dead or you're not. You can't be happ. Halfway dead. What the hell is wrong with this man? And I'm fumbling, trying to get clothes on, and my grandmother hears me, and I tell her what Raymond says, and Rashaya hears me, and I tell her what Raymond says, and we have to go to my mother's house to see what the hell is going on. But I know that she can't be dead. That is absolutely impossible. She can't be dead because we never live together again. So we get to the apartment, and there's a cop car outside, but there's no ambulance, which in my mind, says she's not dead. Because if she was dead, we would probably be going to the hospital or maybe the morgue. But since we're going to her apartment, she's not dead. Great. Wonderful. Raymond is an idiot. And I'm gonna be sure to cuss him the hell out. Cause he's stupid. But okay, I'll deal with that later. I need to get into this apartment. And he stops me at the door and he says, are you sure you want to go in there? What do you mean, am I sure I want to go in there? Of course I want to go in there. Hello? I'm standing here. Let me inside. And I go inside and my mother is just lying on the floor. But she can't be dead because we have to live together. So in my mind, she's not dead. I can't process that she's not dead. And Reshaya is crying, and my grandmother is crying, but I'm not crying because my mother's not dead. So I sit next to her on the floor and I'm kind of looking around the apartment, trying to, I don't know, be an investigator of some sort. And everything looks like it's in place. Nothing happened. There's no crime scene. Great, she's not dead. She is going to get up. And now there are more people in the apartment. Rasheema's here and my aunts are here. My brother is here and uncles are here. And I overhearing Raymond talk to my grandmother and he's saying that, you know, he called her all day, she didn't answer. He came home, the door was locked, he climbed through the window and he found her there. Oh, and by the way, she had a little something. So she's dead because she overdosed. Good for her. Idiot. You just told me two days ago that you were sick and you had all these health problems and you woke up this morning and you took some drugs and now you're dead. Wonderful. Let's go home, Grandma. I'm ready to go home. I don't need to be here anymore. I don't want to see this woman. I can't be in this mess. And oh my goodness, I was so embarrassed my entire life about my mother being on drugs. And now she died from an overdose. How the hell am I going to tell my friends that my mother died over and an overdose? So we go home and two days later we get a report from the coroner's office that lists her cause of death as an aneurysm. Aneurysm? Healthy people could have an aneurysm. Anyone could have an aneurysm. It wasn't the drugs. And I broke down. And that's when I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried because I'd never given up on my mother while she was living. I had always hoped and wished and prayed that she would get herself together and be the woman that I knew her to be. And I cried some more and I cried some more. And I just pray, prayed and continue to pray. That she forgives me for giving up on her in death.

Dan Kennedy (17:07)

Rashonda M. Tyson is from Hartford, Connecticut. She joined the New York City Teaching Fellows Program, which enabled her to receive a Master's degree in secondary education from St. John's University. Rashonda recently participated in the Moth Workshop at her former place of employment, Bronx Preparatory Charter School. When your entire team can get together, it's amazing what can get accomplished. But gathering everybody together from different locations can be time consuming and expensive. Unless you use GoToMeeting with HD faces, it makes it easy for your entire team to get together online whenever you need to, no matter how far away people are. With GoToMeeting, you share the same screen and it's simple to launch or join a meeting from anywhere using your computer, smartphone or tablet. And you can even present from your iPad. Now start working smarter with GoToMeeting. Today, try GoToMeeting free for 30 days. Don't wait for this special offer. Visit GoToMeeting.com Click the Try it Free button and use the promo code Moth. Remember, use the promo code Moth. Also, one more thing. The Moth main stage is coming to Kalamazoo, Michigan on Wednesday, May 22nd. That's presented by Michigan Public Radio. For ticketing information and for a list of all of our upcoming tour stops, visit themoth.org Dan Kennedy is a writer.

Rosetta Stone Sponsor (18:38)

And performer living in New York. Follow him on twitter@dan kennedynyc.

Dan Kennedy (18:44)

Thanks to all of you for listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York. The Moth Podcast and the Radio Hour are presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public at prx. Org.