Podcast Summary: The Moth – "Satori Shakur: Too Much"

Episode Information:

• Title: Too Much
• Storyteller: Satori Shakur
• Release Date: January 21, 2013
• Theme: Save Stories of Rescue and Redemption
• Location: Detroit

Introduction

In the episode titled "Too Much," storyteller Satori Shakur shares an intimate and transformative journey through profound grief, personal loss, and the quest for self-rediscovery. Her narrative delves deep into the complexities of navigating life’s darkest moments while striving to reclaim joy and connection.

The Loss of a Mother and Initial Grief

Satori begins her story by recounting the heartbreaking experience of losing her mother. The immediate aftermath left her feeling irreparably broken and unprepared for life without her guiding presence.

[02:44] Satori Shakur: "Six years ago, when they closed the lid on my mother's casket, I was devastated. I knew I would never be the same again."

She emphasizes the multifaceted role her mother played in her life—as a teacher, friend, and emotional anchor—highlighting the enormity of her loss.

[03:10] Satori Shakur: "She was my mother, my teacher, my Friend. I wasn't ready to lose her yet."

Living in a state of denial and depression, Satori struggled to find motivation, exemplified by her living in pajamas and withdrawing from her acting career.

Tragic Loss of a Son and Deepening Despair

The narrative takes a more tragic turn with the sudden death of Satori's only son, Noah, who passed away due to complications from a car accident-induced brain injury. This loss compounded her grief, leaving her feeling like "a dead thing" despite outward appearances of success in her acting career.

[04:30] Satori Shakur: "When I kissed him goodbye, I was surprised at how cold his skin felt against my lips. And when they closed the casket, I died."

Her depiction of being "a dead woman walking through her life" underscores the profound sense of isolation and emotional numbness she experienced.

Seeking Help and Navigating Grief

Realizing the need for support, Satori joins a grief support group, which becomes a crucial step in her healing process. Over several years, she works through the stages of grief—denial, depression, anger, and finally, acceptance and hope.

[06:50] Satori Shakur: "Over the next few years, I cried and listened and talked and I moved through the stages of grief."

This period of healing is marked by her desire to reconnect with life and rediscover her identity beyond loss.

The Onset of Menopause and Unexpected Changes

Amidst her grief journey, Satori enters menopause, which brings its own set of challenges and hormonal upheavals. She describes unexpected and often humorous changes in her behavior and desires, highlighting the unpredictable nature of this life stage.

[08:15] Satori Shakur: "There is a wisdom in menopause. And I discovered that it caught me off guard in unexpected and unpredictable ways."

Her candid reflections on increased libido and altered perceptions illustrate the intersection of biological changes and emotional healing.

Embarking on a Quest for Love

In an effort to reclaim her sense of self and seek companionship, Satori turns to Craigslist, leading her to meet a man named Tom. Their initial connection is intense, rooted in shared interests and chemistry, particularly their mutual love for Parliament Funkadelic.

[11:20] Satori Shakur: "He serenaded me on his guitar, and a few days later we made love. And it was amazing. I mean, I fell in love."

Their relationship progresses swiftly, marked by deep affection and emotional openness, yet it also faces challenges as Satori grapples with being perceived as "too much."

Challenges in the Relationship and Self-Realization

As the relationship matures, Tom expresses concerns about Satori's intensity and analytical nature, ultimately labeling her as "too much." This moment becomes a pivotal point for Satori, leading her to introspect and recognize her own resilience and capacity for love.

[13:50] Satori Shakur: "I'm too much. I'm alive, you know, grief had taught me how to lose and to live."

This realization empowers her to embrace her vibrant self, refusing to dim her spirit despite past losses and personal challenges.

Conclusion: Embracing Being "Too Much"

Satori concludes her story by celebrating her authenticity and willingness to fully engage with life, even at the risk of being perceived as overbearing. Her journey is a testament to overcoming immense grief, embracing personal growth, and the unyielding pursuit of happiness and connection.

[14:00] Satori Shakur: "Because if I come across as too much, you have my mother, Annie Lou Magruder, and my son, Noah Abdul Shakur, and my hormones to thank because I'm going for being way too much. I'm going for being over the top, alive."

Her powerful closing underscores the essence of her story—choosing to live passionately and authentically despite the odds.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• On Grief and Loss:

  • "I was a dead thing. A dead woman walking through her life..." ([04:30])

• On Menopause:

  • "There is a wisdom in menopause. And I discovered that it caught me off guard in unexpected and unpredictable ways." ([08:15])

• On Love and Relationships:

  • "He serenaded me on his guitar, and a few days later we made love. And it was amazing. I mean, I fell in love." ([11:20])
  • "I'm too much. I'm alive, you know, grief had taught me how to lose and to live." ([13:50])

• On Embracing Self:

  • "Because if I come across as too much, you have my mother... and my hormones to thank because I'm going for being way too much. I'm going for being over the top, alive." ([14:00])

Final Thoughts

Satori Shakur's "Too Much" is a compelling narrative that navigates through layers of personal tragedy, hormonal changes, and the relentless pursuit of self-love and acceptance. Her story resonates with anyone who has faced loss and emerged stronger, embracing the fullness of their existence with unapologetic vitality.