Satori Shakoor: Too Much

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Moth – "Satori Shakur: Too Much"

Episode Information:

• Title: Too Much
• Storyteller: Satori Shakur
• Release Date: January 21, 2013
• Theme: Save Stories of Rescue and Redemption
• Location: Detroit

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Introduction

In the episode titled "Too Much," storyteller Satori Shakur shares an intimate and transformative journey through profound grief, personal loss, and the quest for self-rediscovery. Her narrative delves deep into the complexities of navigating life’s darkest moments while striving to reclaim joy and connection.

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The Loss of a Mother and Initial Grief

Satori begins her story by recounting the heartbreaking experience of losing her mother. The immediate aftermath left her feeling irreparably broken and unprepared for life without her guiding presence.

[02:44] Satori Shakur: "Six years ago, when they closed the lid on my mother's casket, I was devastated. I knew I would never be the same again."

She emphasizes the multifaceted role her mother played in her life—as a teacher, friend, and emotional anchor—highlighting the enormity of her loss.

[03:10] Satori Shakur: "She was my mother, my teacher, my Friend. I wasn't ready to lose her yet."

Living in a state of denial and depression, Satori struggled to find motivation, exemplified by her living in pajamas and withdrawing from her acting career.

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Tragic Loss of a Son and Deepening Despair

The narrative takes a more tragic turn with the sudden death of Satori's only son, Noah, who passed away due to complications from a car accident-induced brain injury. This loss compounded her grief, leaving her feeling like "a dead thing" despite outward appearances of success in her acting career.

[04:30] Satori Shakur: "When I kissed him goodbye, I was surprised at how cold his skin felt against my lips. And when they closed the casket, I died."

Her depiction of being "a dead woman walking through her life" underscores the profound sense of isolation and emotional numbness she experienced.

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Seeking Help and Navigating Grief

Realizing the need for support, Satori joins a grief support group, which becomes a crucial step in her healing process. Over several years, she works through the stages of grief—denial, depression, anger, and finally, acceptance and hope.

[06:50] Satori Shakur: "Over the next few years, I cried and listened and talked and I moved through the stages of grief."

This period of healing is marked by her desire to reconnect with life and rediscover her identity beyond loss.

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The Onset of Menopause and Unexpected Changes

Amidst her grief journey, Satori enters menopause, which brings its own set of challenges and hormonal upheavals. She describes unexpected and often humorous changes in her behavior and desires, highlighting the unpredictable nature of this life stage.

[08:15] Satori Shakur: "There is a wisdom in menopause. And I discovered that it caught me off guard in unexpected and unpredictable ways."

Her candid reflections on increased libido and altered perceptions illustrate the intersection of biological changes and emotional healing.

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Embarking on a Quest for Love

In an effort to reclaim her sense of self and seek companionship, Satori turns to Craigslist, leading her to meet a man named Tom. Their initial connection is intense, rooted in shared interests and chemistry, particularly their mutual love for Parliament Funkadelic.

[11:20] Satori Shakur: "He serenaded me on his guitar, and a few days later we made love. And it was amazing. I mean, I fell in love."

Their relationship progresses swiftly, marked by deep affection and emotional openness, yet it also faces challenges as Satori grapples with being perceived as "too much."

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Challenges in the Relationship and Self-Realization

As the relationship matures, Tom expresses concerns about Satori's intensity and analytical nature, ultimately labeling her as "too much." This moment becomes a pivotal point for Satori, leading her to introspect and recognize her own resilience and capacity for love.

[13:50] Satori Shakur: "I'm too much. I'm alive, you know, grief had taught me how to lose and to live."

This realization empowers her to embrace her vibrant self, refusing to dim her spirit despite past losses and personal challenges.

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Conclusion: Embracing Being "Too Much"

Satori concludes her story by celebrating her authenticity and willingness to fully engage with life, even at the risk of being perceived as overbearing. Her journey is a testament to overcoming immense grief, embracing personal growth, and the unyielding pursuit of happiness and connection.

[14:00] Satori Shakur: "Because if I come across as too much, you have my mother, Annie Lou Magruder, and my son, Noah Abdul Shakur, and my hormones to thank because I'm going for being way too much. I'm going for being over the top, alive."

Her powerful closing underscores the essence of her story—choosing to live passionately and authentically despite the odds.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• On Grief and Loss:

  • "I was a dead thing. A dead woman walking through her life..." ([04:30])

• On Menopause:

  • "There is a wisdom in menopause. And I discovered that it caught me off guard in unexpected and unpredictable ways." ([08:15])

• On Love and Relationships:

  • "He serenaded me on his guitar, and a few days later we made love. And it was amazing. I mean, I fell in love." ([11:20])
  • "I'm too much. I'm alive, you know, grief had taught me how to lose and to live." ([13:50])

• On Embracing Self:

  • "Because if I come across as too much, you have my mother... and my hormones to thank because I'm going for being way too much. I'm going for being over the top, alive." ([14:00])

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Final Thoughts

Satori Shakur's "Too Much" is a compelling narrative that navigates through layers of personal tragedy, hormonal changes, and the relentless pursuit of self-love and acceptance. Her story resonates with anyone who has faced loss and emerged stronger, embracing the fullness of their existence with unapologetic vitality.

Transcript

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[Dan Kennedy]

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. Before we get started today, a quick note to Kentucky Moth fans. Tickets are on sale now for the first Moth Grand Slam. It's going to be February 1st at the Bomhard Theater in Louisville and the theme is Fish out of Water and it'll feature 10 of Louisville's best storytellers. Oh, and here's a special tip. You can avoid online ticketing fees for this show by visiting the Kentucky center before the show date and buying your tickets at the box office, which I'm told has a drive through service as all box offices do. Simply drive through and get your tickets. See you at the show February 1st. Oh, and one more thing. The Moth main stage is coming to San Francisco on Monday, February 11th. For ticketing information and a list of all of our upcoming tour stops, visit themoth.org this week's story by Satori Shakur was told live at the Moth in Detroit last year. The theme of the night was Save Stories of Rescue and Redemption. Here's Satori.

[Satori Shakur]

Six years ago, when they closed the lid on my mother's casket, I was devastated. I knew I would never be the same again. I had no concept of life without her in it. She was my mother, my teacher, my Friend. I wasn't ready to lose her yet. I was going through the early stages of menopause and it was scary and I needed her to guide me through the change. The only thing I took from her modest estate was her wig. And I smelled it until all her smell was gone. Well, my mother had asked me to go back to school to complete my degree. I was depressed. I was living in my pajamas. And I'm an actor. I was working down at the Gym Theater in downtown Detroit in a show called Menopause the Musical. And my mother loved that show and she loved seeing me in it. But after she was gone, there were times when I had to ask the stage manager to hold the curtain so that I could recover with all the ladies in the cast. They were so amazing and I had great support. And nine months later, there was nothing, nothing that could prepare me for the death of my son. He was my only child and he had died from a massive seizure. He had been in a car accident a few years before and he suffered a brain injury. When I kissed him goodbye, I was surprised at how cold his skin felt against my lips. And when they closed the casket, I died. I was a dead thing. A dead woman walking through her life, walking through classes, eight shows a week. I was traveling, entertaining, winning awards. And I didn't feel anything. I felt alone and isolated, and the rest of my life looked like a joyless chore to live. I knew I needed help when I collapsed in the men's department at Macy's, when I saw a mannequin wearing something that I knew my son might wear. So I joined a grief support group. And over the next few years, I cried and listened and talked and I moved through the stages of grief. Denial, depression, anger, and finally, acceptance and hope. I wanted to live. I wanted to connect with my life again. But I didn't know who I was or how or where I would even start. Well, there is a wisdom in menopause. And I discovered that it caught me off guard in unexpected and unpredictable ways. I was standing in Kroger's in the vegetable aisle and all of a sudden my hormones just went out of whack. It was like somebody flipped the switch. And all of a sudden I am horny as hell. I'm talking about 15 year old boys. One thing on his mind, horny. I'm talking about horny like Halle Berry and Monster's Ball on the fourth of July. If it was me in that movie, I would have fornicated with Billy Bob Thornton and his racist daddy too. Well, I looked over and I saw this man and he was so fine. I'm thinking, damn, he looks good in that motorized wheelchair. I was just about to introduce myself when I saw the flash of his wedding ring and I just turned my attention to the zucchini. But after that, I started seeing penises everywhere. You know, I was surprised because I'm in menopause. I thought that when vaginal dryness met erectile dysfunction, it would be a perfect match. No, I don't want to. You can't. Hey, you know, I thought I could just have a little fun coast until I reached the promised land of dried up eggs and freedom from maxi pads. You know, I was okay to just find an okay man and, you know, book a cruise and wear matching outfits and get fat at the all you can eat buffet. Instead, I was down on i75 in Trumbull, flashing truckers nipples to the wind. I didn't recognize myself. I mean, this is not me. I mean, I'm a political junkie. I pride myself on being up on current events, but I was hanging out in sex toy shops buying bullets and boxes of vibrator batteries off of ebay. I had more testosterone than the Detroit Red Wings and Lions put together. I didn't realize how lonely I was, how in need of a man's touch. And when I couldn't take it anymore, I bought some stilettos and I said, I need a man. So I went on Craigslist. Cause Craigslist, it delivers right now. And I spotted an ad that was sane to my sensibilities. Good looking, educated house car job, gentleman at all times seeks mature lady for great conversation, drinks and a possible relationship. So I programmed my GPS for Tom's Oyster Bar in Royal Oak. Now, I'm not gonna say my standards were low walking in. Let's just say they were specific. If the man looked halfway decent and had a pulse, we get naked tonight. I looked down the bar and I was hoping that the bad boy with the sideburns was him. So I get down there and that man looked good to me. Those bedroom eyes, those luscious lips, that big juicy Jewish nose. He looked like a Slurpee sitting on a bar stool. It was pure chemistry. When he raked his eyes over my body, you know, the lower regions, was trying to sing the Hallelujah chorus. He was like, oh, you're so beautiful. You're more than I expected. And I was hoping to meet a black woman. And I said, oh, why? He said, I don't know. Something different. Exotic now. Exotic Is a racist buzzword for me, but it didn't sound racist coming from him. It just sounded honest. So I figured I'd be honest too. And I told him, I said, I love Jewish men, and I love Italian men who look Jewish. Matter of fact, I'm open to men of all races as long as they got a big schnozzle. And whenever I see a big nose, I want to break out in a negro spiritual. Well, he laughed. And I sat down at the bar and we engaged in some stimulating conversation. You know, I was surprised he was telling me real things about his life. Like three generations of Russian Jewish family coming to America, creating a successful business. He said he was an artist dealing with collectibles and antiques. Well, I had my identity hidden because after all, I mean, this was a Craigslist date and I was distracted by all that juicy fruit on his face. But I'm listening. And then we put our cards on the table. He asked me, well, why did you answer my ad? And. And I told him about my long journey back from grief and loss and how my hormones had just went out of whack and how I came here to have a bang up good time. So he said, well, sex is important to me too, and you look worthy of a relationship, and I'm open for a relationship. And relationship, well, that was like a red flag for me. Relationship is. Is like a distraction. It's a woman trap. It's like a storefront of promises that you can't keep. And I didn't know whether I was ready for a relationship. Ready to open my heart and lose again. But when he asked me would I come back to his house to see his African art collection, I said, yeah. When we get into his house, it looks like a whimsical folk art museum, meaning art all over the walls. He said, go on upstairs, look around. So I went upstairs, and in his bedroom, there are all these framed concert posters. And one of them said, Parliament Funkadelic Brides of Funkenstein, Paris, France, 1979. And I said, that's me. He said, oh, yes, that's one of my most valuable posters. That's one of my favorite groups. I said, no, you don't understand. I. I'm one of the brides of Funkenstein. I used to sing with Parliament Funkadelic. He said, no, shit? I said, yeah, shit. So he serenaded me on his guitar, and a few days later we made love. And it was amazing. I mean, I fell in love. I was just. I just opened my whole heart. It was the most Fantastic. Well, we moved through the first month. Yes, there was a wrinkle, but we ironed it out the second month. I wanted them all the time. I was just so effusive. Oh, you look so gorgeous. I love you. Oh. We hit some bumps, but we worked it through. On the third month, he said, tori, you're too much for me. You know, you're too analytical, you're too intense, and you talk too much. And I've never met anybody that shares all their feelings. Well, it stung. It hurt a little bit. And then it hit me. I'm too much. I'm alive, you know, grief had taught me how to lose and to live. And when I looked at my future, it looked like it was obstacle free. Winning looked like a piece of cake. So I asked him, I said, well, do you still want to be with me? And he said, yes, I want to be with you. And I said, well, great. Because if I come across as too much, you have my mother, Annie Lou Magruder, and my son, Noah Abdul Shakur, and my hormones to thank because I'm going for being way too much. I'm going for being over the top, alive. And then I proceeded to suck his lips down my throat.

[Dan Kennedy]

Satori Shakur is the creator and host of the Secret Society of Twisted Storytellers. She is a published writer, produced playwright, and has earned acknowledgments and credits for her accomplishments in music, theater, and comedy. She's a political junkie and proud grandmother who loves Detroit and Salvation army finds this podcast is brought to you by stamps.com with your busy schedule, we're sure making trips to the post office is the last thing you have time for. Did you know with stamps.com you can buy and print official US postage right from your own computer and printer? It's easy and convenient. Plus, stamps.com will give you a digital scale. It automatically calculates the exact postage you need for any letter or package. You print the postage directly onto envelopes, labels, or even plain paper. Then just hand your mail to your mail carrier. There's no need for you to go to the post office again or even lease one of those expensive postage meters. Right now, there's a special, special offer for listeners of the Moth podcast. A no risk trial, plus a $110 bonus offer that includes the digital scale and up to $55 free postage. Don't wait. Go to stamps.com and click on the microphone at the top of the homepage. Then type in moth. That's stamps.com. enter moth.

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Dan Kennedy is a writer and performer living in New York. He's been a part of the moth community since 19. Follow him on Twitter at dankennedynyc.

[Dan Kennedy]

Thanks to all of you for listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York. The Moth Podcast and the Radio Hour are presented by prx, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more [e-mail].